Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5



Song appears
on the album:

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Kinky Friedman performs “Dear Abbie”

…..Kinky Friedman

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Kinky Friedman.

Kinky Friedman:
“From a fan of yours in Texas
Who’s had a little trouble finding love
I’m considered quite attractive
And I’ve always been quite active, at the club.

But the life I lead’s so lonesome
That I wonder, Abbie, if you’ve ever known
What it’s like to live in others dreams
And never have a dream to call your own.

There’s a divorcee in DallasTheres a girl who’s much too young in Idaho.
London Bridge is falling down
And the clergyman is out of town
And there’s a daughter no one wants in Buffalo.

And I’m wondering ’bout America,Wondering if we lost more than the war.
I’m just wondering if there’s any silver lining left
Behind the golden door.

And Dear Abbie
Abbie I just had to write.
Dear Abbie
Abbie, is there any love in sight?

Well, the last time that I saw you
You were living at the old Chelsea Hotel.
Even though it’s been a whileHell, even now it makes me smile
To think of how you tennis-shoed the bill.

And it seems like only yesterday
You fell off of the see-saw, and you cried
And your daddy lit the fireworks
In the backyard on the fourth day of July.

And Dear Abbie
Abbie, I just had to write
Dear Abbie
Abbie.. where are you.. tonight?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!

[Martin enters, runs down stairs to home base where hestands between his banjo and a stool upon which aresome props. He basks in applause, wearing histrademark white suit with black shoes and rednecktie.]

Steve Martin: [arms in the air] Thank you very much.Thank you, this is too much, thank you, thank you![bows] Okay! Well, I didn’t expect this.[bows] Thank you very much. Okay. We’re havin’ somefun now, eh, folks? Okay, it’s, uh, great to be herein New York. Um, I know that sounds phony ’cause everyentertainer in the world comes out no matter wherethey are and they always go “HEY! IT’S REALLY GREAT TOBE HERE!” And it really sounds fake. But, believe me,I am sincere when I say, “HEY! IT’S REALLYGREAT TO BE HERE!” Okay, no, seriously, it is great tobe here. And, um, well, actually, it’s great to be …here. [steps one pace to his right] Okay, so– No!It’s great to be here! [a few steps to his left] Thisis where it’s great to be. [walks upstage] No! It’sgreat to be here, too! [turns, heads back downstage]Well, I’ll never forget how great it was to be overthere. [back where he started] Okay, we’re movin’ now.[takes a glass of water from stool] ‘Scuse me. [sipswater through straw, puts glass back on stool, spitsout a mouthful of water to his left] All right.

We on? [waves hands in mock protest] Okay, okay, okay,okay. To, uh, open the show, I always like to do onething that IS impossible. [holds up straw from waterglass] So right now I’m going to suck this stool intomy lungs. [bends over stool and tries to suck stoolthrough straw – nothing happens, of course -straightens up, with mock disappointment] Oh, darn.[throws straw away] Okay! Well, here’s something youdon’t often see. [jumps up and down twice, grunting,wild-eyed, while stretching corners of mouth withfingers] Okay, um. You know, a lot of people come tome – they say, Steve, how can you be so damnfunny? Well, uh, I’m kinda gettin’ out of the comedything now, uh, gettin’ more into the music so I’d liketo do a banjo tune for ya right now. Here we go.[picks up banjo, applause] Thank you very much. Thankyou. [straps on banjo, pauses] I don’t deserve it. Allright. Was it free to get in? [audience says “yes”]It’s free? Okay. Get your money’s worth on this. Okay,doesn’t matter if it’s free to get in, whatever, uh,we’re on network, uh, big show. You’re expecting tosee a professional show so let’s not waste any moretime! Here we go with … PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS!Let’s go, hey! [picks a note or two on banjo, thenimmediately backs away and starts tuning it]

Here we go. [plays a steady rhythmic riff] Hey, thisguy’s good. [sings] “Well, I’m ramblin’, ramblin”round, I’m a ramblin’ guy, I’m ramblin’, oh, yes, oh,yes!” [whistles poorly, shrugs, speaks] Free to getin. [sings] “I’m a ramblin’ guy – R-A-M-B-L-I-Napostrophe, oh yes, I’m ramblin’ — Ramblin’ to NewYork City, N-Y-C! Rent a car, get a hotel, for onlytwo hundred dollars a day. Oh, yes.” [speaks] Okay,everybody! “I’m a ram–” Come on! Sing with me!Come on, have some fun, come on! “Ramblin’ …” Areyou people uptight or somethin’? You can’t singalong–? Oh, I forgot… New York. [applause, keepsplaying] Okay! All right, ladies only! “Oh, look! Aramblin’ guy!” Come on! Okay, this half of the room!Beautiful! Now this half! Good, good! All right, twofifths! Now, three-fifths! Good. Seven-ninths!Two-ninths. All right, in Chinese now! [sings Chinesegibberish, then sings in English:] “Well, I’mramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’,ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’! Ram! Mah! BLINNNN!”[suddenly launches into a long, snappy, complex banjoinstrumental, smiles and raises eyebrows at audience,stops, takes a fake arrow-through-the-head prop fromthe stool and puts it on] I like to keep the laughsrolling even while I’m playing. [finishes banjo tunetriumphantly] Heyyyy! [applause]

[sings without banjo] “Oh, I’m a neat guy!” [speaks]Excuse me, excuse me. All right, um, you know, uh, thebanjo’s such a happy instrument, it really is. It’s agood thing for a comedian, like me, and, uh, it’s justa happy thing, you know. [plays a happy melody] Isn’tthat happy? You just can’t sing a depressing song whenyou’re playing the banjo. You can’t go– [grins, playsand sings] “Oh, murder and death and grief andsorrow!” [pauses, holds up his hand] Really, whenyou’re with me, it’s like being at Shakey’s Pizza, youknow? It’s just… [plays “Ain’t She Sweet?”] Hey![keeps playing “Ain’t She Sweet?” but sings “SwaneeRiver”] “Way down upon the Swanee River…” [getsconfused, peers at banjo, stops playing, wavesdismissively]

Okay, I wanna do this, uh, last banjo tune and, uh,we’ll move on with the show. Could I get, like, atight shot, maybe, on the fingers, on this, okay?Dave? Dave Wilson, the director. I’d like to start offwith a tight shot, okay? [no tight shot appears, getsannoyed] I did this thing in dress. I thought we hadit worked out. I’m sorry. [clears throat, getsincreasingly upset] Okay, I’ll do something else then.I can go with it, all right? You know what I’m saying?It’s just, uh, um, you know, you ask for something,you think you’re gonna get it, throws you off, whenyou’re a performer, a professional like I am, and uh,I’m sorry if I look a little angry but, uh, I guess Iam, because, uh, you know, it hurts you. Youknow what I’m saying? It hurts the people who arewatching the show when me, the artist, comes out hereand I can’t get, what, a little cooperation, you knowwhat I mean? I mean, I can’t get a little help fromthe backstage crew? EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEE![applause, still upset] I’m sorry! I’m angry! [playsbanjo tune, suddenly breaks out into a happy grin,apologetic] I’m sorry! We’ll be back after thiscommercial! [tight shot on the fingers playing thebanjo as we fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Speak Out for Milk

… Chevy Chase
… Don Pardo
… Joe Dicso

[Handsome actor Chevy Chase, dressed casually, holds aglass of milk and smiles into the camera. SUPER: CHEVYCHASE Actor]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, milk’s got just abouteverything your body needs to start the day off right.Why, one glass contains more Vitamin A and calciumthan a thick sirloin steak. Delicious with almostanything. And milk leaves you with that awful sourbreath and white stuff in the corners of your mouth.

Director: [off screen] Cut! Uh, just tone it down,please, Chevy. Uh, could we try it again?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry.

[SNL stage manager Joe Dicso enters, holding aclapboard up to the camera.]

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-two. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, my body’s, uh, just about themost important thing to me. And I care about what Iput into it. That’s why I drink fresh, whole milk atleast three times a day. Gives me quick energy, helpsme to look and feel younger and increases the serumcholesterol in men who drink too much of it.

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-three. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, a lot of times, I’m out fordinner, uh, my date will order a beer or a liquordrink or something like that or her date or herfriend’s date or something like that, you know, andthey’re all ordering. And then the waiter comes to me,he says, So, uh, what’ll be? You know? And I just sortof smile and pop right up and say, “Milk, please!” Youknow why? Because I know that a single glass ofdelicious, ice cold milk in the summer can give you aquick heart attack if you drink it too fast. That’sright–

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-four. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: [sips milk] Mm mm. De-lish! I know afriend who gets these fatty deposits right under here.[pulls at his lower eyelids]

Director: [off screen] Cut it!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-five. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: Lot of health food experts think thatmilk is mucus-forming. I don’t know what that meansbut I suppose it’s true. I love milk myself.[gestures, spilling some milk] I’ve always been–

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads: SPEAK OUT FOR MILK]

Don Pardo V/O: Speak out for milk — it’s thedelicious natural drink that’s not filling and ISfattening.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Mysteries in Medicine

Written by: Dan Aykroyd

Narrator … Dan Aykroyd
Violet Elmweather … Jane Curtin
Dr. Cone … Steve Martin
Hector … Michael O’Donoghue
Ernie … Alan Zweibel
Blog … John Belushi
Midge … Laraine Newman

[Doctor’s office. Dr. Cone sits at his desk talkingwith patient Violet Elmweather. Behind Dr. Cone is asmall television set with a blue screen.]

Narrator V/O: This is the office of Dr. Paul Cone. Dr.Cone’s research in the field of nutrition anddigestive studies have led him to the perfection of aremarkable weight reduction program. Our subjecttonight on … [dramatic music] Mysteries in Medicine![SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE] Professional dietclinics: Right or Rip-Off?

Violet Elmweather: I – I’ve almost given up hope. I -I– If only I could lose five pounds, I’d be happy.I’ve tried every diet program there is. The Nine DayPaper and Water Diet, the Lovecrest Nylon Diet. I evengained ten pounds last week eating nothing but driedcamel hearts.

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mrs. Elmweather, it’s simple. Um, noneof these conventional diets work for you. You want tolose weight, you have to find the right diet. I’mgoing to put you on an extreme weight reductionprogram. The Unizoid Wonder Diet with Blog treatments.

Violet Elmweather: What are Blog treatments?

Dr. Cone: Blog treatments are part of the most rigiddiet schedule in medical history. It’s a three yearprogram.

Violet Elmweather: When can I start?

Dr. Cone: Are you ready to travel?

Violet Elmweather: Travel? I didn’t–

Dr. Cone: [into an intercom] Hector! Ernie! [Hectorand Ernie, wearing airline pilot uniforms, enter] BlogDiet, Phase One.

Hector: Right.

[Hector grabs Violet, covers her mouth and hauls herout of her chair. Ernie moves the chair out of the wayand opens a door at stage right.]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] Commitment, trust anddiscipline. These are the keynotes to dropping thosepounds.

[Hector and Ernie exit with Violet. Dissolve to stockfootage of airplanes in wintry settings. Eerie musicin. SUPER: SIMULATED AIRPLANE VOYAGE – Cut to footageof three figures on a dog sled crossing a frozentundra. SUPER: SIMULATED DOG SLED TREK – Cut to a mapof Canada and the Arctic with animated arrows headingnorthward. Dissolve to the interior of an ice fishinghut — it’s a wooden hut built right on the ice –there’s a small hole in the ice floor through whichone may fish. SUPER: AN ICE-FISHING HUT. The dooropens, snow blows in, and Hector carries Violet intothe hut and sets her on a barrel.]

Hector: The Blog treatments will commence shortly.

[Hector exits immediately and we see that the snow isbeing blown into the hut by a fan just outside thedoor.]

Violet Elmweather: Thank you. This is not really whatI asked for–

[An Eskimo, wearing goggles and hooded parka, enters,grunting loudly.]

Blog: Hey! Me Blog! You fish! [hands Violet a spear]You catch! You eat! Me Blog! Catch! Haaaaaa! [exits]

Violet Elmweather: This isn’t really what I – Iexpected. I didn’t think–

[Midge — a thin, friendly American woman carrying abag — enters and sits on a stool.]

Midge: Hi! Are you dieting?

Violet Elmweather: Yes. My name is Violet.

Midge: [shakes hands] Oh, I’m Midge. I’ve been herefor two years now. I used to weigh one-eighty. I wasrotund. Now I weigh fifty. I wanna weigh ten. [takesmeat from bag and offers some to Violet] Here, havesome raw seal meat, Violet.

Violet Elmweather: Oh, no thanks–

[Abruptly, Blog enters and sees the meat.]

Blog: Ooohhhh! Food! Blog eat now! Blog eat! [takesmeat away from Midge and, eating it, quickly exits]

Violet Elmweather: What do we eat on this diet?

Midge: Oh, whatever we manage to catch and hide fromBlog.

Violet Elmweather: So what do you do on weekends?

Midge: Oh, well, uh, I diet. And I repack signalflares. [points to the hole in the ice] Look! A char!

Violet Elmweather: A what?

Midge: [rises, excited] An Arctic char! It’s a fishand it tastes great!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I’ll just catch that char andeat it now–

Midge: Oh, no, no, no! I saw that char first. That’smy char.

Violet Elmweather: Uh, that’s my char. Sorry, Ihaven’t eaten in two days.

Midge: No, dear, I haven’t eaten in two years!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I’m sorry, that’s my char!

[The two women fight, kicking and screaming on the icefloor. Dissolve to the TV set in Dr. Cone’s office.The two women are visible on the blue screen,fighting. We pull back to reveal Dr. Cone watching theTV. He turns to address the camera.]

Dr. Cone: This is Phase Two of the diet. The charfight. The subjects release tension and try to figureout new ways of hiding the food they catch from Blog.

[Pull back more to reveal Blog, carrying a pen andclipboard.]

Blog: Of course, Blog knows immediately when thedieters have procured food because he’s alwayswatching them, uh, via closed-circuit cameras. [liftshis hood and goggles, puts a pipe in his mouth andlights it]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] This is Dr. Mike Blog, ourtop researcher — Blog Diet, Chief of Diet Research, abrilliant digestive scientist.

Blog: [to Dr. Cone] Thank you very much. [looks at TV]Oh, excuse me. I think they’re fighting over the char.I’ll have to take it away from ’em. [sets down pen andclipboard]

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mike.

Blog: Take care.

[Blog exits. Dr. Cone smiles into the camera. Dissolveto the hut where the women hear Blog approaching. Theystop, rise and move to a wall where they try to hidethe food. Blog, wearing goggles and hood, entersbrusquely.]

Blog: Aaaaah! Ooooh! Char?

Midge: No char, Blog! No char!

[But Blog takes the char away from them, drops to hisknees and starts to eat it. The women jump on him andtry to take the char back. As they fight, we pull backto a wider view of the set, revealing that the hut isright next to Dr. Cone’s office. Studio lights hangoverhead.]

Narrator V/O: Yes, a diet where food is hunted andhidden from a nutritionist posing as an Eskimo in thesimulated environment of a secluded ice fishing hut.Only one of the many … [dramatic music] Mysteries inMedicine!

[SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE – Dissolve to an evenwider view of the set, cameras, lights and microphonesas seen over the heads of the applauding audience inthe balcony.]

[full dissolve to overhead audience shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… An Apology For What Came Up Last”]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Mary Richards…..Laraine Newman
Murray Slaughter…..Dan Aykroyd
Ted Baxter…..Steve Martin
Rhoda Morgenstern…..Gilda Radner
Sue Ellen Niven…..Jane Curtin
Lou Grant…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, WJM Newsroom, Mary Richards sitting in front of her typewriter with her head hanging down and a smile on her face. Slow pan right until Murray Slaughter and Ted Baxter enter the room. ]

Murray Slaughter: I know, I know, I know —

Ted Baxter: You know, Murr – it’s really tough out there! [ removes his jacket, hangs it up ] I’ll tell you, Murr – you know, the hardest part of doing the news is, I can’t bend own during it. And sometimes, it’s the only thing on my mind. I’ll be out there doing the show, and I’ll be thinking: “I can’t bend down!” [ a beat ] Hi, Mar! [ glances at the page in her typewriter ] Hey, Mare, you don’t spell “Minnesota” with three 5’s and four 7’s. [ chuckles ] That’s how you spell “Peter.”

Murray Slaughter: Mary? Are you alright? Mary, Mary, what’s wrong?

Ted Baxter: Oh, she’s probably just depressed because she had to wear the same outfit twice in one year!

Murray Slaughter: [ touches Mary’s shoulder ] I don’t think Mary’s depressed, Ted. I think she’s dead!

Ted Baxter: Come on, Murray, she can’t be dead – she’s busy. Dead people are never busy.

Murray Slaughter: Oh, God, Ted! How could this have happened?

Ted Baxter: [ nervous laughter ] I don’t know, Murray. I mean, she was fine this morning when I put that Drano in her coffee for a joke!

Murray Slaughter: Drano?! You put Drano in her coffee?!

Ted Baxter: Well, she was hoarse, and I thought it’d help clean out her pipes! [ chuckles ] Get it?

Murray Slaughter: That stuff’s poison! Don’t you read the label!

Ted Baxter: Yeah, but it got boring.

Murray Slaughter: Mary’s dead, you killed her! Why couldn’t it have been the other way around?

Ted Baxter: Murr, buck up! We’ll all laugh about this later.

Murray Slaughter: Maybe you’ll laugh. But wait’ll Mr. Grant hears about this!

Ted Baxter: Mr. Grant? Well, how’s he gonna hear?

Murray Slaughter: By you telling him!

Ted Baxter: [ nervous, hyperventilating ] But, Murr! I can’t tell him! I could lose my job!

Murray Slaughter: [ dials phone ] Wait’ll the authorities find out.

Ted Baxter: The authorities? Murray, I’ve always wondered – who exactly are they?

Murray Slaughter: The police, the law. They’re gonna slap a prison sentence on you! This is murder!

Ted Baxter: Well, wait, now wait, look, uh.. are you sure she’s dead?

[ Murray touches Mary’s shoulder; her head falls forward ]

Murray Slaughter: Yes, she’s dead! Yes, she’s dead!

Ted Baxter: Well.. for God’s sake, Murray! [ grabs Murray by the collar ] Let’s look up her skirt!

[ Rhoda enters, but doesn’t notice Mary right away ]

Rhoda: Hi, guys! I just flew in from New York!

Ted Baxter: [ panicky ] Rhoda, I can explain everything, uh.. I was trying to commit suicide, and I forgot who I was!

Rhoda: Ted, did anyone ever tell you, with a few minor changes, you could be a lamp? [ now notices that Mary is slumped over ] What’s with Mar?

Murray Slaughter: He killed her!

Rhoda: Oh, no.. Hey, Mar, don’t let it get to you. Think of it this way – death is just God’s way of asking you out!

[ Sue Ellen enters, holding a trayful of tarts ]

Rhoda: Hi, hi! Anybody want to munch on one of my tarts?

Murray Slaughter: I don’t think any of us in a munching mood, Sue Ann! Ted killed Mary!

Sue Ann: Is she dead? Are you sure?

Murray Slaughter: She has no pulse!

Sue Ann: Mary Richards has no pulse. I thought she was the girl who had everything.

Rhoda: Well, how did it happen, anyway?

Murray Slaughter: Ted put Drano in her coffee!

Sue Ann: Drano! Ted, didn’t you know that a little ammonia and water would have done the same job in half the time?

Rhoda: Well, look, I’m leaving. I have better things to do than to sit here and watch my dead friend decompose.

Sue Ann: Ohh, stay and help me plan the funeral. Come on, it’ll be fun!

Ted Baxter: [ enthusiastic ] Yeah!

Murray Slaughter: That’s none of your concern now, Ted! Your concern is telling Mr. Grant!

[ Lou Grant enters from his office ]

Murray Slaughter: And here’s your chance! [ he pushes the nervous Ted forward to Mr. Grant ] Here’s your chance, Ted. Come on, Ted. Come on.

[ Mr. Grant looks at Ted suspiciously ]

Ted Baxter: Hey, Lou! Look how long Mary can hold her breath without stopping!

Murray Slaughter: Ted!

Lou Grant: Alright, what’s going on? What’s this about Mary?

Ted Baxter: I’ll give you a hint. [ pulls his tie up, miming hanging himself ]

Murray Slaughter: Ted – Ted killed her! There was this Drano and this coffee. [ Mr. Grant steps up to Mary’s lifeless body ] Sue Ann and Rhoda are planning the funeral right now!

Sue Ann: Oh, it’ll be a lovely funeral. The theme is: Mary Richards – Heaven Or Hell?

Lou Grant: I don’t want to hear about it now, Sue Ann. [ tugs Mary’s head up, then drops it back onto the typewriter ] Let’s have a moment of silence for Mary.

[ everyone is silent for a few beats, until Ted begins to crack up ]

Ted Baxter: I can’t help it! “Clean out her pipes!” What a great joke!

Lou Grant: Ted!

[ Ted attempts to stifle his laughter ]

Lou Grant: Okay. Now, we have to keep our heads. Mary is dead, but we got a news show to put on, alright? Murray, you write the story. Uh, Ted, you confeess on the air.

Ted Baxter: But everyone will hear me.

Lou Grant: That’s the idea. This is the biggest news story to hit this town in a decade, and we’re gonna break it! We got a killer, we got a motive – by the way, what was the motive?

Ted Baxter: Humor. [ a beat ] Oh, Lou! Don’t make me confess on the air! They’ll send me to jail! I don’t want to go to jail! I look terrible in stripes and big numbers!

Lou Grant: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you killed somebody.

Ted Baxter: Lou! I won’t say it! I won’t say it! I’ll lose half my following!

Lou Grant: Ted! You’ll say it, and you’ll like it!

Ted Baxter: [ begins to whimper like a baby ] Please don’t make me do it! Please don’t make me confess in my own time slot!

Lou Grant: Ted. You will confess here. Or would you rather confess in some dingy little courtroom in a municipal hall, where you won’t have any chance to win the award for Best Reporter, huh? And they won’t let you wear your blazer.

Ted Baxter: My blazer? [ intrigued ] Well, okay.

[ finished writing the story, Murray hands the sheet to Ted ]

Murray Slaughter: Here it is, Ted. Just remember to smile.

[ Ted takes the news copy, and slowly retreats into the On-Air room. Everyone crowds around the TV on the writing desk to watch Ted’s performance ]

Announcer: And now, the WJM Six O’Clock news, with Ted Baxter.

Ted Baxter: The top story tonight – in a case of involuntary man’s laughter.. Man’s laughter. [ clears throat ] Our associate producer, Mary Richards, was killed by.. [ stops, looks at his copy ] Can anyone make out this name? Hmm. [ shaking ] Killed by.. [ smiles, adjusts his tie ] The basically wonderful.. person named.. [ finally realizing an out ] Lou Grant!

Lou Grant: [ watching from the news room, Mr. Grant and the others are disgusted ]

Ted Baxter V/O: Yes! Lou Grant killed Mary Richards, in a ruthless, brutal assault —

[ Mr. Grants turns the TV off ]

Lou Grant: Murray. Get the Drano.

[ Lou and Murray retreat to the On-Air room, as we zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming up Next… Something For Everyone – Except You.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Jeopardy 1999

Art F-114…..Steve Martin
Danny M-125…..Dan Aykroyd
Laraine A-270…..Laraine Newman
Lee P-413…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: Don’t walk away from your telescreen, because it’s time for the new “Jeopardy 1999”! Now, here’s your host: Art F-114.

Art F-114: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, Don Pardo! Well, there’s exciting and valuable prizes to be won. Don, will you tell the folks at home who the contestants are?

Announcer: Art, our returning champion is a shredding machine operator from the Ministry of Information, in Sector 427. Welcome back Danny M-125.

Art F-114: Danny, you’ve won over $3 million – what are you going to do with that money?

Danny M-125: Well, they discovered the, uh.. the cure for the disease my mother was dying from.. and I’m going to use the moeny to have her defrosted.

Art F-114: Great, how old will she be?

Danny M-125: 37.

Art F-114: Well, good luck to you! Who’s our next contestant, Don Pardo?

Announcer: She’s a security monitor for the Osaki Kelp Works, a cheerleader for the Rocket Tennis Team, and she enjoys sex. Welcome Laraine A-270.

Art F-114: A-270, huh?

Laraine A-270: That’s right.

Art F-114: That’s funny – you don’t look like an Alpha! [ laughs ] You know.. we always enjoy having test tube babies on our show. Tell us, are you having those headaches we hear so much about?

Laraine A-270: No.. but sometimes my words say in reverse.

Art F-114: Hmm.. Well, good luck to you. Don Pardo, our last contestant?

Announcer: Art, it’s a lobotomist for the Ministry of Love, in Sector 753. Let’s welcome Lee P-413.

Art F-114: Do you have any hobbies, Lee?

Lee P-413: I collect antique sexual devices, Art.

Art F-114: Well, maybe you and Laraine can get together after the show for some sex.

Laraine A-270: Yes.. sounds great.. I’d enjoy it.

Lee P-413: We can do that. That would be great.

Art F-114: Okay! And now, it’s time to play “Jeopardy 1999”! The categories are: “Medicine”.. “Movies”.. “TV”.. “U.S. History”.. “Mutant Viruses”.. and “Nuclear Accidents”. Danny, you’re the champion, so you begin!

Danny M-125: Uh.. U.S. History for $10,000.

Art F-114: Okay! “First President to accidentally kill himself in office.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Yes. Laraine?

Laraine A-270: “Who was Gerald Ford?”

Art F-114: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Remember, it says here: “In office”. [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?

Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who was Walter Mondale?”

Art F-114: That’s right! Go ahead, Lee!

Lee P-413: Uh.. Movies for $10,000.

Art F-114: Movies for $10,000: “Major film studio that will change name next year.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Laraine?

Laraine A-270: “What is 20th Century Fox?”

Art F-114: That’s right. Go ahead.

Laraine A-270: Okay, Movies for $20,000.

Art F-114: Movies for 20,000: “Original Tidy Bowl man in TV ads, won 8 Oscars.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny M-125: “Who was Fred Miltonburg?”

Art F-114: That’s right, that’s right.. Keep on going!

Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $10,000.

Art F-114: Medicine for $10,000: “Legalized in 1983, it eased overpopulation.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny M-125: “What is.. baby-killing?”

Art F-114: That’s right, Danny! Okay, go, Danny.

Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $20,000.

Art F-114: Medicine for $20: “First man cloned.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?

Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who is Fran Tarkenton?”

Art F-114: That’s right. Back to you, Lee.

Lee P-413: I’ll go to Nuclear Accidents, uh.. for $10,000, please.

Art F-114: Nuclear Accidents for $10,000: “In 1981, became first terrorist group to ransom city with plutonium.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny M-125: “Who are the Young Republicans?”

Art F-114: That’s right. Go, Danny.

Danny M-125: Uh.. TV for $10,000.

Art F-114: TV for $10,000: “Longest running show on TV.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?

Lee P-413: Uh.. “What is ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’?”

Art F-114: That’s right! Alrigh,t Lee, we’re running out of time..

Lee P-413: Okay, uh.. TV for $50,000, please.

Art F-114: TV for $50,000: “Comedian whose career fizzled after leaving ‘NBC’s Saturday Night’.” [ no one buzzes in ] I’m sorry, you took too long. The correct answer is: “Who was Chevy Chase?” Chevy Chase. [ bell rings ] Ah.. there’s the bell telling us it’s time for Final Jeopardy. Now, the Final Jeopardy category is.. “Assassinations”. Now, remember, contestants.. you can wager all or part of your earnings. Lee, you have $10,000; Laraine, $30,000; and, Danny, you have $30,000. Okay, contestants, place your wager. And, while they do, Don Pardo, tell them what they’ll win!

Announcer: Art, all our contestants will receive the Benjamin Pocket-Sized Isolation Tube; privacy is only seconds away with Benjamin. And, for our male contestants, a case of Big Brother Aftershave; women love a man who smells like Big Brother. And, for the lady, the Embryo Accelerator; electromagentic treatments so your child will develop from embryo to adult in 18 weeks: avoid childhood traumas, save time and money; another fine product from the people at ChromoCom. And, what home would be complete without the amazing Laser-Matic; slices, dices and chops, everything from tomatoes to diamonds. And our ocntestants will ease their troubled minds with the new Dial-A-Blank electro-shock kit; forget anything you want with the twist of a dial – so effective, you won’t remember you own own; Dial-A-Blank, from Leisure-tronics. And, our contestants will be taking home.. Mr. Whacky! Rhesus Monkey Pleasure Kit, for the young scientist in the family – monkeys not included, Art.

Art F-114: Thank you, Don Pardo! And, here now, is our Final Jeopardy answer: “He assassinated President Kennedy.” Go!

[ Final Jeopardy music plays, as contestants write down their answers ]

Art F-114: Kennedy. He was President about thirty years ago, wasn’t he? Perhaps you’ve seen something about him on your home entertainment system.. maybe one of you will just get lucky. Well, let’s hope so..

[ Final Jeopardy theme completes ]

Art F-114: Okay, put those pens down! Lee, what’s your answer? “J. Edgar Hoover”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong on that – you wagered.. “$10,000”.. that leaves you with nada! Ha ha! Okay, Laraine, your answer is: “Fidel Castro”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. You wagered $15,000 – that leaves you with $15,000. Danny? “Who was Frank Sinatra, Jr.?” That’s a good guess, but, no, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. Let’s see, you wagered.. $10,000 – that leaves you with $20,000! You’re still champion! That’s it for us! The person who killed Kennedy was.. “Lee Harvey Oswald”! That’s “Lee Harvey Oswald”! We’ll see you next week on “Jeopardy 1999”! so long!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

[At home base, Steve Martin faces the camera — butthe cast members standing with him face the oppositeway, their backs to the audience.]

Steve Martin: Hey, we had a good time tonight! [leadsaudience into applause, which drowns out some of hisparting comments – the cast waves and bows in thewrong direction as the SNL Band plays the closingtheme – pull back to reveal the cast waving to homebase with the audience behind them] Thanks a lot! Nextweek, it’s Buck Henry and a band. Oh! THE Band.Take a bow, everybody! I’d like to thank everyone.We had a wonderful time.

[Cut to another view of the cast (plus writer MichaelO’Donoghue) waving in the wrong direction – eventuallythey turn to face the audience – As the credits roll,announcer Don Pardo has a few final words:]

Don Pardo V/O: Next Saturday night, our host will beBuck Henry with his musical guest, The Band. While wehave time, try saying my name ten times real fast,okay? Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, DonPardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, DonPardo! Very good! This is Ron Darpo saying good night.

[Just before the goodnights end, fellow writer AlanZweibel walks over to O’Donoghue, grabs his arm andclimbs up onto home base to join the cast.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Fido-Flex

Spokesman…..Steve Martin
Model…..Gilda Radner

Spokesman: Are you like most people? Do you long for a German Shephard taht can tell time? Well, help is here!

[ trumpet fanfare ]

Introducting Fido-Flex! The Digital Watchdog! The only watch that nurses its young, and the only dog you can wear underwater! It’s simple: [ demonstrates by pulling each individual ear ] ..pull the dog’s left ear, it tells you the date. Pull the watch’s right ear, it tells you the time. And.. pull the watch’s tail, and it figures out your age in dog years.

It’s durable, too. We took one of these digital watchdogs, and strapped it to the rotor of a speedboat, traveling from New York Harbor to Chesapeake Bay at the speed of 45 knots. And, after 17 hours.. it’s still ticking! Stay!

Fido-Flex! The Digital Watchdog! For the man of the house.. or..

Model: Lady Fido-Flex, for the woman.

Spokesman: The Fido-Flex! The watch that guards itself.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Looks at Books

…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Kaufmann…..Steve Martin

[FADE IN on the usual “Looks at Books” graphic as piano music plays softly, then FADE to Jane Curtin’s face.]

Jane: Good evening, and welcome to “Looks at Books.” I’m Jane Curtin, and our guest tonight has written a most interesting book called, “Sex and Sports.”

[She holds up a book with the title and a stock illustration of a baseball bat and a football inside a basketball hoop.]

Jane: Please welcome Dr. Lloyd Kaufmann. Welcome to our show.

Dr. Kaufmann: [glancing down and smiling] Thank you.

[applause]

Jane: Tell us, Dr. Kaufmann, exactly what is your book about?

Dr. Kaufmann: [in a scholarly voice] Well, I just completed a ten-year study examining the effects that sexual activity has on athletic performance. Now this has been a, uh, controversy for, uh, quite some time–many coaches maintain that abstension is preferable prior to an athletic event, because sex depletes one’s strength; therefore, the athlete doesn’t do as well.

Jane: That’s very interesting. How was this study done?

Dr. Kaufmann: I employed a strict scientific method, uh, using over five hundred athletes, uh, one half of whom did have sex prior to sports, and the others did not. Now this, of course, was all done in complete confidence.

Jane: Did you use anonymous questionnaires, like Kinsey, or did you conduct private conversations, like Masters and Johnson?

Dr. Kaufmann: [a bit sheepishly] No, um, I employed a different kind of method involving, uh, binoculars… and, uh, spending many hours across the street from the subject’s window.

Jane: [evenly] Oh, I see. Your book deals with all sports?

Dr. Kaufmann: Yes, it does.

Jane: And since this is the World Series time, I was especially interested in your chapter called, “Base on Balls.”

[laughter]

Jane: I understand that you brought along some film.

Dr. Kaufmann: Yes, we found that abstension from sex helps one’s athletic performance, and I think these films can show that. [points offstage] Can you roll the films, please?

[CUT to archival footage of Johnny Bench slugging a home run to left off Vida Blue at Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati against the Oakland A’s, 1972 World Series.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [narrating] Now this batter was coming off a bad season, and he decided to abstain, and it helped his performance remarkably. He hit home runs and was a big help to his team.

[Bench is seen trotting home triumphantly and slapping the hands of the third base coach and the batter on deck.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Very interesting.

Jane: I see he has a lot of–

[CUT abruptly to film of a New York Yankees shortstop charging a ground ball in the infield and wheeling it to first for the out.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, here’s a terrific defensive play by someone who took a vow of celibacy after joining a religious cult.

[CUT back to the studio, where Jane and Dr. Kaufmann watch intently for a moment, then turn back to each other. Dr. Kaufmann nervously clears his throat.]

Jane: Now, these men, for one reason or another, abstained from sex.

Dr. Kaufmann: That’s right.

Jane: Now what about the others?

Dr. Kaufmann: Well, I have some film. I have shown that, uh… [muffing his lines] The men who uh, who did abstain were somewhat hampered, and um… as closer, uh, sports got to the athletic event, then their performance would hamper accordingly. [points off camera] So maybe we can roll the film on that, please.

[CUT to film of a New York Mets left fielder running up for a fly ball which lands just in front of his glove and skips far past him.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [over laughter] Now the, uh, left fielder in this had sex one week prior to the big game, as did the pitcher in this play.

[CUT to a Boston Red Sox pitcher charging a dribbler to his right and bobbling it badly. He keeps the ball and turns back to the mound.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, this catcher was teased the night before the game…

[CUT to a catcher camping under a pop foul right along the third base line. It falls out of his mitt, and he pounds the mitt in disgust.]

Dr. Kaufmann: And it’s no surprise that these two players here were seen with a few hookers on the way to the ballpark.

[CUT to another clip of a batter hitting a high pop foul just left of home plate. The catcher and third baseman both run for it and converge right in front of the dugout. Both of them lift up their gloves to catch it, but it falls out of the catcher’s mitt just as the third baseman trips him and sends him sprawling. The umpire is seen waving off the play as no catch. CUT to another batter lofting a lazy line drive over the second baseman’s head. The ball rolls straight to the center fielder.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, note the center fielder in this play. He visited his wife in the locker room between innings.

[The center fielder bends to scoop up the slow-rolling ball, but misses it and slides down on his butt as the ball continues to roll out toward the fence. He picks up and runs after it. CUT to a batter being hit by a pitch and diving to the dirt in the batter’s box.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now this is interesting: the girlfriend of this pitcher had sex with this batter during the seventh-inning stretch.

[The batter takes several slow steps toward first, glaring at the pitcher, and then suddenly charges the mound and barrels into him.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [wryly] And with everyone else during the National Anthem.

[CUT to another angle of the brawl as the benches clear and other players try to break it up. FADE back to the studio.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Not a pleasant sight, but still I think it illustrates the results in my findings.

Jane: Very clearly. Thank you very much for joining us, and I’m sure everyone is looking forward to your next study, which is?

[applause]

Dr. Kaufmann: Um… the, uh, next book I’m going to do is titled, “Sex and Sex.”

Jane: Ah.

Dr. Kaufmann: See, I found that if one is going to have sex, his performance will be better if he doesn’t have sex right before doing it.

Jane: I see. Well, thank you again. [to camera] And thank you, and coming up is a film by Gary Weis.

[applause]

Dr. Kaufmann: Say…

[ZOOM OUT as Dr. Kaufmann leans over to Jane and starts rubbing her knee suggestively. She looks down in disbelief and then smiles timidly. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Autumn in New York

[FADE IN on Gary Weis standing in front of a window inside a skyscraper which looks out on the Manhattan skyline. He is wearing a dark leisure suit with a burgundy shirt underneath. The collar stands out prominently.]

Weis:
Up here, on the 27th floor,
I look down on the city I hate and adore.

[CUT to Weis standing under a marqee advertising “NEW YORK’S FINEST ADULT BOOK STORE… 25¢ MOVIE ARCADE. He starts lip-synching to the old standard, “Autumn in New York.”]

Weis: “It’s autumn in New York…”

[After Weis walks away, a long-haired man in a green parka strolls toward the camera arm-in-arm with someone who looks androgynous, in a denim jacket and a stocking cap.]

Man on Left: “That brings the promise of new love…”

[They amble past the camera, and then CUT to Weis lip-synching in front of a store window labeled, “BADLANDS.”]

Weis: “Aaaaauuuuutumn in New York…”

[CUT to a curly-headed man in sunglasses and a leather jacket who rounds the corner of the store with a dog on a leash. He lip-synchs to a woman’s voice.]

Man: “It’s often mingled with pain.”

[HOLD on this man for a moment, then CUT to a pretzel vendor in a stocking cap standing next to his cart.]

Vendor: “Glittering crowds and shimmering clouds…”

[CUT to a cab driver in sunglasses as he leans out the driver’s side window in the middle of the street. Buses stream through the intersection a few cars ahead.]

Cabbie:
“And canyons of steel,
They’re making me feel
I’m home…”

[CUT to a flag reading, “The New York Stock Exchange.” Frank Sinatra can be heard singing, “Dreamers with empty hands…” PAN down to a blond-haired man walking down the sidewalk in a powder blue suit and a white tie. He carries a white briefcase and lip-synchs as he saunters gracefully past.]

Pedestrian: “They sigh for exotic lands.”

[CUT to Weis wearing the same outfit and leaning against a lamppost in Central Park.]

Weis: “Autumn in New York…”

[CUT to a long shot of a crowded sidewalk. An older man in a trenchcoat and another in a Yankees warmup jacket are among the pedestrians, several of whom stare blankly at the camera. An easy-listening chorus resembling Fred Waring and His Pennsylvanians sings on the background track.]

Chorus: “It’s good to live it agaaaaaaaaainnnnn…”

[CUT to a younger man in a thick beard and a red windbreaker sitting next to a white-haired lady on a park bench. They lip-synch to tracks of a man and a woman, respectively.]

Man: “Lovers that pass the dark…”

Woman: “On benches in Central Paaa-aaaark…”

[CUT to a deserted park pathway. The singer on the track croons, “Greet autumn in New Yoooo-oooooooork…” CUT to Weis standing on a ferry in the same suit with a polar bear head costume over his head. He nods slowly in time to Johnny Mathis’s voice on the track.]

Johnny Mathis: “It’s good to live it again.”

[PAN over to the Manhattan skyline as seen from the river as Weis steps out of the shot. FADE to the applauding studio audience. ZOOM in on a young blonde woman in a brown-red sweater and SUPERIMPOSE, “WONDERING WHAT TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT.” She acknowledges the camera shyly and continues to clap. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts