Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 20
Calgon
Customer…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Ling…..Jackie Chan
Mrs. Ling…..Maya Rudolph
Customer: How do you get your shirts so white, Mr. Ling?
Mr. Ling: Shh. Ancient Chinese Secret.
[ cut to back room of laundromat, where Mrs. Ling listens ]Mrs. Ling: My husband – some hotshot. Here’s his “Ancient Chinese Secret” – new, improved Calgon. Calgon helps shirts get up to 30% whiter. [ enters front room of laundromat shaking empty Calgon box ] We need more Calgon!
Customer: “Ancient Chinese Secret”, huh?
[ Mr. Ling jumps over the counter and pummels the customer against the wall, then raises him in the air by his shirt collar ]Mr. Ling: If you tell anybody about this.. you’re dead man!
Mrs. Ling: [ listening again from back room ] New Calgon. Shh.. our secret.
