SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Calgon


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock


Customer…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Ling…..Jackie Chan
Mrs. Ling…..Maya Rudolph

Customer: How do you get your shirts so white, Mr. Ling?

Mr. Ling: Shh. Ancient Chinese Secret.

[ cut to back room of laundromat, where Mrs. Ling listens ]

Mrs. Ling: My husband – some hotshot. Here’s his “Ancient Chinese Secret” – new, improved Calgon. Calgon helps shirts get up to 30% whiter. [ enters front room of laundromat shaking empty Calgon box ] We need more Calgon!

Customer: “Ancient Chinese Secret”, huh?

[ Mr. Ling jumps over the counter and pummels the customer against the wall, then raises him in the air by his shirt collar ]

Mr. Ling: If you tell anybody about this.. you’re dead man!

Mrs. Ling: [ listening again from back room ] New Calgon. Shh.. our secret.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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