Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 7
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Saddam Hussein…..Will Ferrell
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
[ open on “Nightline” graphics ]
[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: If you’ve just joined us, we’ve been talking to Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. Now, Mr. Hussein, I must ask: now that your latest conflict has cooled down, do you regret using human shields to protect weapon arsenals?
[ cut to Hussein, live via satellite ]
Saddam Hussein: No! I will do it again. If the U.S. wants to bomb my arsenals, then they’ll have to kill ALL the starving women and children I’ve lured there with false promises of food and water!
Ted Koppel: Why are you willing to do this?
Saddam Hussein: Because chemical weapons are a key part of my plan for global genocide? And that plan starts with wiping out the entire U.S. pouplation with anthrax!
Ted Koppel: Very strong words, sir!
Saddam Hussein: Also, at this time, I’d like to take a moment to say “Hi!” to my good, dear, dear friend — and mayor of New York City — Rudy Giuliani!
[ cut to Gracie Mansion, as a sistraught Giuliani watches “Nightline” ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: What the hell?! [ the phone rings immediately; Giuliani answers ] Hello? Yes, I just saw it. No, I don’t know him! [ he hangs up angrily ]
Saddam Hussein: Yes! Over the past few years, I’ve been through some difficult times, and, through thick and thin, Mayor Giuliani has always remained a loyal friend! A real source of strength and inspiration!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: That’s a lie!!
[ a knock at the door, as Giuliani’s Aide enters ]
Aide: Excuse me, sir? Are you watching “Nightline”?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Yes!
Aide: Did you meet Hussein in Law School or something?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ outraged ] No, I never met that madman!
Ted Koppel: Saddam, are you sure you’re talking about Rudolph William Giuliani, New York City’s 107th Mayor?
Saddam Hussein: [ smiling ] The 107th Mayor and my #1 friend — yes!
Aide: Why would he say those things?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Why does he do ANY of the crazy things he does?! The man’s INSANE!!
[ the phone rings again ]
Aide: I’ll — I’ll get it, sir. [ answers the phone ] Gracie Mansion. Oh. I see. Yes, yes, I’ll tell him. [ Giuliani sighs ] Sorry, sir. Your approval rating already dropped 90 points.
[ Giuliani covers his face with his hands ]
Ted Koppel: After this commercial break, we’ll be back with more about the very close bond between Saddam Hussein and Rudolph Giuliani.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, what the hell are we going to do?
Aide: Well, sir, we need to call a camera crew and get you on the air to refute his claims — NOW!!
[ dissolve to “Nightline” graphics, as the program returns from commercial ]
[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: We are back now. Mr. Hussein, do you have anything else you’d like to add?
Saddam Hussein: [ sternly ] I’ll kill anything that moves! [ a beat ] And, I think Giuliani has a great smile! [ he smiles ]
Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Mr. Hussein, I have just been told that we have Mayor Giuliani joining us live from Gracie Mansion in New York City —
Saddam Hussein: [ excited ] Oh, good!
Ted Koppel: Mayor, welcome to the program.
[ cut to Giuliani at Gracie Mansion ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Hi, Ted. Thanks for having me on such short notice.
Saddam Hussein: Hello, old friend!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ annoyed ] I’ve never met the madman before!!
Saddam Hussein: I would just like to say, here and now, that Saddam Hussein believes that Rudy Giuliani would make a great President!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ outraged ] Don’t SAY that!!
Saddam Hussein: And, if you want to put that quote on one of your political ads, feel free!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I really don’t need your endorsement!!
Saddam Hussein: Well, no charge — that’s a freebie. Call it a favor from a friend!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I am NOT your friend!
Saddam Hussein: Oh, come on! [ chuckling ] What are you doing to me, Roots! I mean, it’s ME! The Saddamster! Hey! Rudy! Do you remember when we went to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ shaking his head ] NO-O-O-O!!
Saddam Hussein: We threw toast at the screen! [ smiles ] Come on, let’s do the Time Warp again!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I don’t know how to do the Time Warp!
Saddam Hussein: [ singing ] “It’s just a jump to the left! Adn a step to the ri-i-ight!”
Ted Koppel: [ cutting in ] “You put your hands on your hips, and bring your knees in tight.” [ Hussein smiles ] I love that movie! I haven’t thought about it in years! You’re alright, Saddam-meister!
Saddam Hussein: You’re not so bad yourself, Dr. Ted-enstein.
Ted Koppel: Hey, Saddam, would you like to get together sometime?
Saddam Hussein: Yes! I would love it!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Ted! What the hell are you doing?! Have you lost your mind?!
Ted Koppel: [ aggressively ] Back off, Giuliani! You lost a friend, and now you can’t deal with it! [ turns to Hussein ] Saddam, are you ocming to the States any time soon?
Saddam Hussein: [ mock pouty-faced ] I don’t know, I’ve never been invited.
Ted Koppel: Well, let me be the first. I’ve got a fold-out futon in my living room.
Saddam Hussein: “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” [ he and Ted share the laugh ] No, really! Let’s meet up in New York!
Ted Koppel: Okay! It sure is nice to make a new friend.
Saddam Hussein: It sure is.
[ dissolve to images of Ted and Hussein together in New York — feeding the pigeons, sharing hoagies in the park, rollerblading, and having a wine and cheese picnic complete with guitar ]
[ music over: muzak version of Stephen Bishop’s “It Might Be You” ]
Ted Koppel V/O: Some people think it’s odd that a newscaster and a genocidal maniac can become best buddies. I’ll admit Saddam does occasionally irritate me — like when he told me that he liked the band Sugar Ray, or when he overuses the phrase “Don’t go there!”
[ show Hussein surprising Ted with a single red rose ]
Ted Koppel V/O: Aside from that, I’m just crazy about him! He brings out feelings in me I thought had died years ago.
[ Ted and Hussein share a carriage ride through Central Park, laughing and smiling in one another’s company ]
Ted Koppel V/O: We decided to buy a time-share in Boca Raton. I’ll look forward to growing old with this wonderful man. The man I call… my best friend.
[ fade ]