Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

The Woman He Loved

Prince Charles…..Eric Idle
Vonda Walker…..Laraine Newman
Police Officer…..Dan Aykroyd
Lloyd…..John Belushi

[ open on black-and-white footage throughout London ]

Announcer V/O: In London today, anxious crowds filled the streets, waiting for some word from Buckingham Palace regarding the whereabouts of Prince Charles. The city is alive with the rumor that a royal marriage is in the offing, and that the heir to the throne is currently living with a 13-year old white trash girl in the deep South of the United States. As yet, there has been no comment from the Palace. This is David Fielding with the BBC in London.

[ dissolve to title card: “THE WOMAN HE LOVED” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, traielr park ]

[ dissolve to interior, trailer, as Prince Charles composes a letter ]

Prince Charles: “Dear Mum, Regards Your Majesty: I regret that I shall be unable to attend the opening of Parliament this year, as I am unfortunately detained…” [ he turns to look at the white trash seated across the trailer ] “…on business. Yours Faithfully, Charles, Prince of Wales.”

Vonda Walker: Charles? How come you never take me anywhere?

Prince Charles: Now, you know that’s not true, Vonda. Last week, I took you to the stockcar races in Greenfield.

Vonda Walker: I don’t mean ,i>that. I want to go with you when you launch a battleship over in Europe!

Prince Charles: Oh, you’d just be BORED silly, Vonda! Besides, we’ve gone over this: I am the heir to the throne of England, and you are a thirteen-year old American commoner with a fourth grade education.

Vonda Walker: You think I’m STUPID, don’t you?!

Prince Charles: [ on bended knee ] Now, you know I don’t think that for a moment, my treasure.

Vonda Walker: Well… your mother doesn’t like me. I know that.

Prince Charles: [ taken aback ] Well… no, she doesn’t. But she’ll come ’round. You wait and see!

Vonda Walker: Well, in the meantime, I have to sit home all day, eating Super Pops and watching TV while you’re out on manuevers with the Royal Navy!

Prince Charles: Vonda, have you any idea what it’s like to be Commander-in-Chief of the Welsh guards?

Vonda Walker: [ thinking ] Well… no.

Prince Charles: Well, it’s a difficult and a touchy job, I’ll have you know.

[ a series of sharp knocks sound at the door ]

Vonda Walker: [ calling out ] It’s open!

[ a Police Officer enters the trailer ]

Police Officer: Hi! Yeah, sorry to disturb you folks, but we got a call about a domestic disturbance here in the trailer park. Mr. Stancil Kaywood got a bowl o’ hot grits dumped on him by his wife. Uh — you know anything about that?

Vonda Walker: Hell, they carry on all the TIME like that!

Police Officer: Yeah, well, I guess I’d better take your names, in case you have to come to court and give a statement. Your names?

Prince Charles: Uh, certainly. This is Vonda Walker — [ she waves ]

Police Officer: Uh-huh?

Prince Charles: And I am Prince Charles.

Police Officer: Okay. Say — you know, there’s an L.C. Charles, runs the tractor-trailer show every month up there in Future City, Illinois? You have any relation to him?

Prince Charles: Probably not — no. My actual name is Charles Windsor.

Police Officer: [ he starts whistling and chuckling ] I used to know a Jule Windsor! His daddy and my daddy used to run a Diamond truck out of Meridian! He’s out in Oklahoma now, he works for the gas company. Hell, he’s making $17.50, $18.50 an hour, or something like that! Heh!

Prince Charles: That’s really quite a marvelous wage!

Police Officer: Oh, yeah!

Prince Charles: That’s really good for him. Well, I doubt we’re closely related, but I could write the Genealogical Society in London, and ask them to check it for you.

Police Officer: Oh, hell! If you’d find Jule’s address, I’d apppreciate it! Last I heard, he was in Prairie or Collinsville… near Tulsa, anyway.

Prince Charles: Well, I-I can’t promise anything, but I will give it a go.

Police Officer: Well, how you like there, Prince! Ma’am, we’ll see you later.

Vonda Walker: Bye!

Police Officer: Oh, by the way, Prince — I noticed on the way in, you got friction straps on your pick-up truck. Well, I’ll tell you something now, we got an ordinace here in Webster County — they’re illegal! I don’t know why, but it’s the law! You better take ’em off. I’ll give you a warning this time, but you all take them off, alright?

Prince Charles: Thank you, Officer. I’ll take care of it personally.

Police Officer: Okay!

Vonda Walker: Bye!

Police Officer: Bye!

[ the Police Officer exits the trailer ]

Vonda Walker: Baby? I’m sorry that I yelled at you, Charles. It’s just that, sometimes, I think it might be better if we just… parted.

Prince Charles: [ he hugs her ] Vonda! Don’t think such a thing, darling. Ever since I first set eyes on you, in your white vinyl boots and your orange halter top, I knew that you meant MORE to me than all the well-born, sophisticated, better-educated, over 21-yeear old women in the world.

Vonda Walker: Oh, Charles! [ she kisses him and pulls over to the other side of the trailer ]

[ suddenly, their neighbor lloyd enters the trailer ]

Lloyd: Hey, uh — either of you seen that, uh, tramp of a wife of mine? Where is she?! Where is that little SLUT?! I’ll KILL her!

Prince Charles: Hi, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Uh — hi there, Charlie. Hell, you know I work 60 hours a week… you know, I come home… you know, she’s out with a different man every night. You know? I KNOW she’s out with Bobby Tucker!

Prince Charles: Yes — I’m afraid I did see your wife with Mr. Tucker earleir this evening, when I was taking the trash to the dump.

Vonda Walker: I saw him, too!

Lloyd: Where do you think he went, Charlie?

Prince Charles: Wellll… I did borrow a cigarette from bobby, and he did mention something about Bobo Johnson’s Tick-Tock Lounge, uh, Route 52.

Lloyd: Alright, thanks a lot, CHarlie! I’m gonna go down there and blow their heads off. You got any, uh, rifle slugs for a Remington Brushmaster?

Prince Charles: Uhhh — I don’t think so.

Lloyd: I just need two.

Prince Charles: I’ll just check. [ he opens a cigar box ] No, sorry. Right out. Can’t help you, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Well, thanks anyway, Charlie.

Prince Charles: Yeah. Hope things work out for the best.

Lloyd: Okay.

Vonda Walker: Bye, Lloyd!

Lloyd: Bye!

[ Lloyd exits the trailer ]

Prince Charles: [ holding up a pack of birth control pills ] Vonda?

Vonda Walker: Mmm-hmm?

Prince Charles: Perhaps you can explain these?

Vonda Walker: [ surprised ] Oh, uh… my birth control pills! [ she laughs nervously ] THERE they are! I lost them last Thursday!

Prince Charles: Last Thursday? You and I have a very specific agreement on this!

Vonda Walker: [ crying ] But I want your baby! I want to be QUEEN of England! And I want to bear you a KING! His name’s gonna be KING DARRELL!!

Prince Charles: Darling, the ramifications are ENORMOUS! The entire British Commonwealth is involved.

Vonda Walker: But all that matters is you and me! You said so yourself!

Prince Charles: Very well. The only honorable thing to do… is to go to England… and speak to my mother, the Queen.

[ Charles exits the trailer to make the journey ]

[ cut to stock footage of a bus traveling down the highway and a plane flying through the air, over bouncy music ]

[ cut to exterior, Buckingham Palace, as “Hail Brittania” plays ]

[ cut back to stock footage of a plane flying through the air and a bus traveling down the highway, over bouncy music ]

[ return to the trailer, as Charles re-enters ]

Prince Charles: Darling? My mother says “No!” I’m afraid I can’t see you any more. Sorry.

[ Charles exits the trailer, as Vonda stands with her mouth agape ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ SCROLL: “We gratefully acknowledge the cooperation of the Royal Family of Great Britain, in particular H.R.H. Charles Prince of Wales and Department of Parks and Recreation, Webster County, Mississippi.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

The French Chef

Julia Child…..Dan Aykroyd

Julia Child: Welcome. I’m Julia Child. Today, we’re going to make aholiday feast, and we’re going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fatroasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets – and you really shouldsave the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you cansave the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if youhave a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a deliciousliverwurst which you can spread on a cracker – a Ritz cracker, a Saltine..or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread.. or if you’re celebrating the Jewishholidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend..if someone’s getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cator a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don’t throw itaway! I hope I’ve made my point. Don’t throw the liver away.

Now, where was I? [ looks around the kitchen ] Oh, yes. Anyway, it’s timeto bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can’tdo nothing without a sharp knife! [ holds chicken and cuts ] Now,you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pugnose like so.. [ drops knife ] crap! Oh! Oh, now I’ve done it -I’ve cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I’m glad, in a way, this hashappened.. [ blood squirts onto the chicken ] We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [ holds her apron over her hand ] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so.. [ blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen ] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn’t pump all the way up. [ blood continues to squirt ] Well, the apron doesn’t seem to be working, so Irecommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver.. [ picks up the chickenliver ] Remember not to throw away the liver! [ blood squirts over thechicken liver ] Oh, God, it’s throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made,using a chicken bone.. [ wraps towl and chicken bone around her hand ] Finda pressure point between the heart and the wound – in this case, the wrist -and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because youcould lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [ blood keepssquirting ] If you’re too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might callEmergency Help – there’s not much time left.. [ hobbles towards the phone onback wall and picks it up ] Now, every kitchen phone should have theEmergency number written on it somewhere.. [ looks at phone ] Uh-oh! Thisone doesn’t! 9-1-1! [ tries to dial the number, but can’t ] Oh, this phoneis a prop, it doesn’t work! [ drops the phone, becoming woozy ]That’s a shame, because I’m remembering a time when I was a little girl andI.. had a dog named Admiral.. I used to give him liver.. and my mother gaveme a doll.. [ starts tipping from side to side ] Why are you all spinning..?Uh.. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.. bon appetit.. [ falls headfirstonto the counter, then jumps up one last time ] Save the liver! [ falls backonto the counter and twitches before dying ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Cochise at Oxford

Professor … Eric Idle
Student #1 … Dan Aykroyd
Student #2 … Laraine Newman
Student #3 … John Belushi
Student #4 … Gilda Radner
Student #5 … Garrett Morris
Cochise … Bill Murray
Student #6 … Jane Curtin

[Title graphic: a photo of the Oxford Universitycampus in Great Britain with a text that reads:COCHISE AT Oxford]

Don Pardo: Time now for Cochise at Oxford. This week,Episode One: Tea and Tomahawks. We join Cochise’s newrhetoric professor as he asks the last question on anexam.

[Dissolve to a classroom where a white-hairedprofessor paces back and forth leading his studentsthrough an oral exam. Everyone wears black robes.]

Professor: And one final question. Would you prefer tospend a fortnight in an onion cellar searching for,uh, um, man’s inhumanity to man — or … have all ofThomas Hardy’s furniture start swelling up, say, two,three, four times its normal size? You in the onioncellar or Mr. Hardy’s furniture? No doubt frighteningthe dear old man half out of his wits into thebargain. Couches and tables bulging up this way andthat — and there dear Mr. Hardy staggering back indisbelief searching his poetic soul for someexplanation for this horrid vision. Your insignificantselves in an onion cellar or the incomparable ThomasHardy, perhaps even struck down by a milk lorry in hisattempt to flee the horrors of inflated chairs andottomans, outsized highboys, engorged love seats,goliath Queen Anne tables, bulbous end tables and allthe other villainy that makes this abhorrent visionworthy of rejection. All done? Very well. Put yourpens down. Quick! What weighs more: a pound of fleshnearest the heart or a pound on the head?

Students: A pound on the head!

Professor: Who had hemorrhoids?

Students: Napoleon!

Professor: Mayberry-Sims, how do you get down from anelephant?

Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.

Student #2: I know, sir!

Professor: What’s your name?

Student #2: Names aren’t important, sir.

Professor: Quite right! How do you get down from anelephant?

Student #2: Well, you wait until they get into yourpajamas and then you shoot them down.

Professor: Hm hm hm? The hand that rocks the cradle,pulls the pajama cord — is that it?

Student #3: Pulls the trigger more than likely, sir.

Professor: Mayberry-Sims, what have you to say tothat?

Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.

Professor: Where the devil is Mayberry-Sims?

Student #4: He was hit, sir!

Professor: Was he shot?

Student #1: In his pajamas.

Professor: What was he doing in his pajamas?

Students: Sleeping!

Professor: Very good. Now, all of you, an exercise. Iwant you all to empty the left-hand side of yourbrains. Empty all the thoughts out of the left-handside and leave the right as it is. [students flop overand moan as if lobotomized] Mm hm. Mm hm. Now, you areexperiencing a form of abject clarity. Now, tell me,which came first — the chicken or the egg? [studentsmoan incomprehensibly] Doesn’t anybody know? Somebodymust know. Who came first — the chicken or the egg?[Cochise, in full Apache regalia, enters dramatically,accompanied by a stereotypical Indian musical theme]Ah! You must be the new fellow. How do you do? [theyshake hands, students moan] All of you! All of you,fill up the left side of your brains again, please![students slowly return to normal] Now, then, this isCochise, a full-blooded Apache Indian.

Students: A woo-woo Indian or a India Indian?

Professor: Uhhhh… [looks at Cochise] A woo-wooIndian, I would say. [to Cochise] Do you have a book?[Cochise solemnly touches a book he carries under hisarm] Good. Go sit down there with the Catholics.

Students: There’s no room!

Professor: Well, make some room. Come on, now.[Cochise takes a seat at the end of the second row andwatches in astonished silence as the Professor and hisstudents run through their nonsensical exchanges] Now,then, class … What’s your favorite law?

Students: The Natural Law!

Professor: Whyyyyy?

Students: Because it’s all-natural!

Professor: Who enforces the Natural Law?

Student #5: The police, usually.

Professor: Name something that isn’t covered under theNatural Law.

Student #6: Artificial flowers and unlicensedphysicians.

Professor: Good! Anyone else?

Student #1: Everything that isn’t … natural.

Professor: Perfect! What isn’t natural?

Student #2: Oh! For an animal to act in a most unusualway.

Professor: Really? Does the Natural Law permit acreature to befoul itself?

Students: Never!

Professor: What about ducks?

Students: Ducks?!

Professor: Consider ducks. If a duck were to wet,would it not soil its own large, webbed feet?

Student #3: Ducks are wet in the water — they’d swimaway from it.

Professor: What about the ones that walk around on theshore? Surely they’re not running into the seawhenever the pressing need to take a leak is withthem!

Student #6: Well, they lift their leg.

Professor: What?! And then they put their foot rightdown in the big orange puddle?

Students: How unnatural!

Student #5: Well, they ARE ducks.

Student #4: Are you suggesting that their feet are toobig?

Student #2: I know! They urinate and run at the sametime!

Student #1: [to the other students] I think Elizabethwas on to something there, uh, with this lifting theleg business. Perhaps they lift their leg and insteadof putting it down again, they – they simply … hopaway.

Professor: Like this, you mean?

[The Professor, standing at the chalkboard at thefront of the room, starts hopping up and down on onefoot. Apparently fed up with this insanity, Cochiserises from his seat, a tomahawk in his hand. He takesaim and throws it at the Professor. Then we pan overto the Professor whose deadpan face is only inchesaway from the tomahawk which is embedded in thechalkboard beside him. The Professor turns to theclass, annoyed.]

Professor: Who threw that? Come on. [Cochise standsstone-faced] Who was it?

[The Professor looks around the room indignantly as wedissolve back to the title graphic: COCHISE AT Oxford]

Don Pardo: Don’t miss Episode Two: Drums Along theThames — next time on Cochise at Oxford.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Eric Idle’s Monologue

…..Eric Idle
…..Howard Shore
…..Dave Wilson
…..Lorne Michaels
Interviewer…..Tom Schiller
…..Garrett Morris
…..John Belushi
…..Gilda Radner
…..Bill Murray
…..Joe Dicso

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eric Idle!

Eric Idle: Um… good evening. It’s nice to be back. [ he folds his arms, looks around nervously and starts whistling to himself ] Sorry about this! [ he smiles sheelpishly ] It won’t be a minute now, you know, it’s just, uh… [ he laughs ] just waiting for the opening monologue! They do a lot of things at the last minute on this show, you know, and, uh… [ he laughs nervously ] sometimes a little bit ,i.later than the last minute. and, uh, the thing is, the writers are just, uh… [ he laughs nervously ] just working on this monologue that they’re gonna give me to do, to open the show with. [ he laughs ] It’s very important, you know, when you’re doing a live show to, uh, to have something really funny to come on with, and get the whole show off to a good start! Otherwise, you know, it can go right into the dumper, you know, right from the start. [ he looks around ] You know how it can go right to the dumper at the start. [ he sighs deeply ] Actually, the writers are working on it at the moment, uh, just right now. [ he step closer to the audience ] I think the thing is, they take too many drugs. [ he steps back ] Shhh. Don’t — don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. [ he looks around nervously and sighs heavily ] Well, look, uh — I think I’d better go and find out… [he laughs ] what’s going on, because, uh, I don’t — you know, I would really like to get the show really going! You know, lots of big laughs — they said it’s a very funny monologue, and, uh, uh… I’ll just go and find out where it is.

[ Idle steps over to bandleader Howard Shore ]

Eric Idle: Howard? Do you think you could just play a bit of, you know, music, uh, ehilst I just go and find Lorne? Okay?

Howard Shore: He’s, uh — [ he points off-camera ]

Eric Idle: Yeah. Could you play something — Why don’t you play something like, uh — play — play “My Love”. Yeah. “My love does it good.” Okay? Just bust it, you know? [ to the audience ] Howard Shore plays “My Love”! Okay? Hang in!

[ Howard Shore and the band begin to play, as Idle runs offstage and into the audience past the “What Do You?” set ]

Eric Idle: [ to an audience member ] Have you seen Lorne? No.

[ Idle continues through the audience, past a cameraman ]

Eric Idle: Excuse me. Uh, do you know where Lorne is?

Cameraman: [ pointing ] He’s in the Control Room.

Eric Idle: He’s in the Control Room. Right.

[ Idle continues through the studio toward the Control Room, passing a Page ]

Eric Idle: Hi!

[ Idle enters the Control Room, where director Dave Wilson is telling a joke to the crew ]

Dave Wilson: …So he says, “I already had my breakfast!”

[ the Control Room laughs ]

Eric Idle: Uh — sorry, Davey. Do you know where Lorne is?

Dave Wilson: Oh, he’s in the back. Supposed to do an interview.

Eric Idle: Oh. Oh, I’ve gotta go see him.

Dave Wilson: Oh! Oh, Eric! I have a note for you. [ he opens up the script ] Um — you know that scene where you play the professor?

Eric Idle: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: Do you think you could be funnier?

Eric Idle: Yeah. I-I-I’ll be funny…

Dave Wilson: Funni-er.

Eric Idle: Funnier. Okay, I’ll be funnier.

Dave Wilson: Just a little.

Eric Idle: Okay. alright, Davey.

[ Idle exits through the Control Room to where Lorne Michael is conducting an interview ]

Lorne Michaels: I think of all the things, I guess the most important thing really is, is, uh, timing.

Eric Idle: Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Uh — not now, Eric. [ to the interviewer ] Oh! Timing.

Eric Idle: I’m sorry, I have to interrupt because, uh… do you know where the writers are?

Lorne Michaels: Uhh — they’re probably in the writer’s lounge. It’s just down the hall to the left.

Eric Idle: Yeah. The thing is, I never got the opening monologue.

Lorne Michaels: Oh. [ he checks his watch ] Well, uh — I’m just in the middle of this. I — I — uh — Well, it’s just to the left. They’re down in the lounge.

Eric Idle: Okay.

Lorne Michaels: If you’d just mentioned it to me earlier…

Eric Idle: I’m sorry, It just occurred to me.

[ Idle exits ]

Lorne Michaels: [ to the interviewer ] That was Eric Idle. He’s our host.

[ cut to Idle entering the hall, where a woman rides a pony ]

Eric Idle: Hi! I thought this sketch was cut?

Woman: Really?

Eric Idle: Yeah. Yeah, this is out.

[ Garrett Morris approaches ]

Garrett Morris: Hey, man, what’s happening?

Eric Idle: Have you seen the writers?

Garrett Morris: Um…

[ Idle continues down the hall and enters John Belushi’s dressing room, where Belushi is talking on the phone as he’s given a back massage ]

John Belushi: I’m telling you, the record’s gonna be —

Eric Idle: Hi, John?

John Belushi: Eric! how are you doing?!

Eric Idle: I’m doing fine, thanks.

John Belushi: [ into the phone ] Okay, I’ll talk to you later. [ he hangs up ] How are you doing, Eric?

[ the Masseuse yanks Belushi’s head up ]

Eric Idle: Have you seen the writers?

John Belushi: Are you hosting the show this week?

Eric Idle: Yeah, I’m supposedto be hosting it right now. I’m supposedto be doing the monologue.

John Belushi: Oh.

Eric Idle: I’m a bit late.

John Belushi: Oh, the writers? They don’t talk to me.

Eric Idle: No?

John Belushi: They don’t write me into anything! They’re JEALOUS! JEALOUS! They’re next door…

Eric Idle: Next door. Right.

[ Belushi’s name is called on an intercom, as Idle exits down the hall and opens the door to the writer’s lounge to reveal everyone smoking joints to the beat of Indian sitar music ]

Eric Idle: Hello? [ he checks one writer’s pulse ] Does anybody have the opening monologue?

[ Idle exits the room and rushes through the hals ]

Intercom: Please be advised that Fred Silverman’s Disco Barbecue, at the home of Fred Silverman, has been cancelled.

[ Idle rounds a corner and runs into Gilda Radner chatting with an actor dressed as Abraham Lincoln ]

Gilda Radner: Oh, hi, Eric!

Eric Idle: Hi, Gilda.

Gilda Radner: Look — I heard the monologue went GREAT!

Eric Idle: Uh… I haven’t done it yet. I mean, I never got the script.

Gilda Radner: You didn’t?

Eric Idle: No!

Gilda Radner: Well, why don’t you go out there and ad-lib it or something? I mean, they must be waiting.

Eric Idle: I don’t do that.

Gilda Radner: Well — come on! You’re a real funny guy! You can ad-lib it! Go on! I mean, why do you think we’ve had you on the show, hosting so many times?

Eric Idle: Because I’m a friend of Lorne’s.

Gilda Radner: [ stunned ] I never thought of that…

Eric Idle: Yeah.

Gilda Radner: Well, hurry up! Go on!

[ Gilda rushes Idle down the hall, where he runs into Bill Murray ]

Bill Murray: Eric? Why aren’t you on stage?

Eric Idle: I’m supposed to be on.

Bill Murray: Well, why aren’t you out there just doing something?

Eric Idle: I don’t have the monologue.

Bill Murray: You nut! [ he smacks Idle’s head ] You’re funny! Now GO OUT THERE and be funny!

[ Bill puts Idle in a headlock and drags him to behind the Cochise at Oxford set ]

Bill Murray: Listen here! You’re a funny man! God gave you an INCREDIBLE gift! You can be funny with ANYTHING you say! This is a New York audience — even if it’s not funny, they know it’s SUPPOSED to be funny, and they’re gonna LAUGH! You can do it! You’re the best, you’re the funniest! Tell a story! Something must have happened in Tunisia, right?

Eric Idle: Yeah… the jar…

Bill Murray: Tell THAT! The jar!

Eric Idle: [ to Joe Dicso ] Can you get the jar for me? The Roman jar out of my dressing room. Can you just bring it?

Joe Dicso: Right.

[ he rushes off ]

Bill Murray: Now, you’re gonna go up there, and you’re gonna be the FUNNIEST man in America! Now, right now! [ he drags Idle up to Home Base ] ERIC IDLE! GIVE IT UP!! GIVE IT UP!!

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill exits the stage ]

Eric Idle: Thank you. [ he laughs ] This isn’t really a funny story, but it, uh, it’s a true story. Um — uh — hmm! I-I’ve, uh, I’ve just got back from Tunisia, where I spent tow months filming with Monty Python. And, uh, we were filming in Carthage, where there are some ancient 2,000-year old ruins — [ his jar is brought to him ] Thank you. And… just by the side there was a dig, and I went to sort of have a go, and I spent about an hour and I found this. And I dug it out, and I, uh, and I had it looked at, and it’s over 2,000 years old. And it’s a very delicately worked Roman pot, and it’s about 2,300 years old. Isn’t it beautiful?

[ he admires it for a moment longer, then tosses it over his shoulder and lets crash to the floor ]

Eric Idle: Another thing that I liked about Tunisia… uh, was the music. It’s very strange music. Uh — it’s something like this: [ he begins to chant comically ] It’s, uh… [ the audience applauds ] Thank you. It’s music from the Stone Deaf Age. And, uh — this is a little story, it’s about two people: He is a jasmine czar, and she isn’t. [ he chants comically some more ] She wears a sheet, and he asks her for her hand in marriage — ’cause that’s the only thing he can see. [ he chants comically some more ] Uh, she says she cannot marry him… as she has boils. [ he chants comically some more ] He stabs himself to death, giving her a little jasmine flower at the last minute. [ he chants comically some more ] She is allergic to jasmine flowers, and dies from the allergy. The story ends unhappily, but, unhappily, not for another twenty minutes. We’ll be right back.

[ he chants comically some more, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Candy Slice Recording Session

Phil Malone … John Belushi
Justin … Eric Idle
Backup Singer #1 … Laraine Newman
Backup Singer #2 … Jane Curtin
Jerry Eldini … Bill Murray
Candy Slice … Gilda Radner

[Recording studio. Out on the floor, punk singer CandySlice’s manager Justin, an Englishman in suit and tie,chats with the musicians in the studio band. ProducerPhil Malone enters from the control room to confronthim.]

Phil Malone: Now, look. Where is she? It’s beensix and a half hours. We’ve been waiting for six and ahalf hours. Who the hell does she think sheis?

Justin: Look, she’s an artist. She’s a genius.She’s a rock messiah. She’s the future! She’llbe here. Relax.

Phil Malone: Look, I’ve worked with a lot of”rock messiahs” before. They never kept me waiting.Not me — not Phil Malone! Naw, I worked with – Iworked with Hendrix! Hendrix never kept mewaiting. Jim Morrison never kept me waiting.

Backup Singer #1: What about Jim Croce?

Phil Malone: Once. But it wasn’t hisfault.

Backup Singer #1: I think it’s an honor to bekept waiting by Candy Slice. I mean, she’s a poet.What’s the matter with all of you?

[Oily music company rep and drug supplier JerryEldini, wearing a garish yellow POLYSUTRA jacket,enters and starts schmoozing with everyone.]

Jerry Eldini: Ohhh! Hi, Phil. Good! The band’shere. Hi, Justin, decent jacket. How are you?You must be the back-up singers. Jerry Eldini,Polysutra A & R, how ya doin’, kids? Phil! [kisses theproducer on the head] Beautiful to work with you, man.How are you?

Phil Malone: Eldini, we’ve been waiting six anda half hours. You’re supposed to keep an eye on her.Where is she? Who the hell does she think she isanyway?

Jerry Eldini: I am sorry. Five more minutes,Phil, please?

Phil Malone: No!

Jerry Eldini: Can we talk for a second?

[Eldini turns his back on the others (and the camera)to hide the fact that Phil is being invited to leanover and take a fast snort of Eldini’s cocaine – Philleans in, his head briefly hidden from view, thenquickly straightens up, wiping his nose.]

Phil Malone: Okay, five minutes.

Justin: Jerry, uh, could we talk for asecond?

Jerry Eldini: Certainly.

Justin: Thank you.

[Justin, too, leans in for a quick toot of the devil’sdandruff, then straightens and confers with producerPhil.]

Justin: Uh, anyway, Phil. I think you’re -you’re really gonna get off on her raw energy, man,you know?

Phil Malone: Okay. Where is she?

Justin: Well, ah, let me check thehall.

[Justin goes to the hall door and opens it. Slumped inthe doorway is a barely conscious, completely wastedCandy Slice, wearing a sleeveless pink top. She fallsforward and Jerry catches her before she lands facefirst on the floor.]

Justin: Candy!

[Justin hauls her into the room and offers her limphand to the producer.]

Justin: Candy, where have you been? We’ve beenwaiting for ya. Phil Malone, Candy Slice.

Phil Malone: Hi.

Justin: Say hello.

Phil Malone: [shakes hands, inspects her armfor needle marks] What’s she taking?

Justin: She’s clean, man. She just spent sixmonths in the Bahamas, detox-ing.

Jerry Eldini: Candy, how’d you slip away, youbright little, elusive butterfly of love?

[Candy, zombie-like and propped up by Justin, fails torecognize Eldini.]

Jerry Eldini: Come on, Jerry Eldini, A & R,Polysutra Records? Last night? Polysutra’s PowerfulPunk Promotion Party? Huh?

[Candy responds with a belch.]

Jerry Eldini: Party-party!Party-party-party-party! Huh? Remember? Tavern on theGreen? Tootski? Tootski, remember?

Phil Malone: Hey, you sure she’s allright?

Justin: Yeaaaaaaah, she’s fine. She’s a pro.She’ll get it in one take. Relax.

[Justin drags Candy to the microphone and tries toprop her up in front of it as Phil angrily confrontsEldini.]

Phil Malone: Eldini, I hold you personallyresponsible. You were in charge of her. It’s obviousshe’s been partying all night long. Who knows whatshe’s taken and– Oh, God! [hand to head, indespair]

Jerry Eldini: [tries to be reasonable] Phil.Phil. Let me give you a little bit of input,okay?

Phil Malone: What?

[Eldini turns his back – offers more coke.]

Jerry Eldini: Go.

[Phil leans in, takes a toot, snaps back to attentionand hurries into the control room. Justin joinsEldini.]

Justin: Jerry? Could I have a little bit ofinput … ?

Jerry Eldini: Sure.

Justin: … Uh, about the album cover.

[But Justin instead wants a little input from Eldini’sstash. He puts an arm around Eldini’s shoulder andleans in for a snort. Meanwhile, Candy, left alone atthe microphone, slowly collapses to the floor, takingthe mike down with her.]

Jerry Eldini: [reassuring Justin] The album isa monster. It’s guaranteed platinum. It’smonster-monster. I mean it. No problem.

Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, we’reready to go, uh–

Justin: Yeah, she’s ready! [hauls Candy off thefloor]

Phil Malone: Where is she?

Justin: She’s ready. She’s ready. She’s here.

Candy Slice: [nearly incomprehensible] Wait aminute. Wait a minute. [Candy approaches the twonearby backup singers, one of whom has been mindlesslyusing a hair brush on her shiny locks] Hey! Can I haveyour brush?

Backup Singer #2: Sure.

[Backup singer hands over the brush. The singers watchas Candy uses it to brush her hair and then one of herhairy armpits.]

Backup Singer #1: Listen, uh, Candy. I’m sureyou hear this all the time, you know, uh, but – you’remy idol. I mean, when I heard your album “Making thePig Sick,” I stopped brushing my hair. You’reincredible, really.

Candy Slice: [points to the singer’s nose] Yergetting a zit! [offers the brush back] Here.

Backup Singer #2: Uh, no, you can keepit.

[Candy staggers back to Justin at themicrophone.]

Justin: Candy, you ready?

Candy Slice: Smoke! Smoke!

Justin: Oh. Give it up.

Phil Malone: Okay, are we all together now?Come on, let’s do a rundown.

Justin: [to Candy, as he backs away, taking thehair brush with him] Okay?

Phil Malone: Okay. “If You Look Close.” Takeone. Come on.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] Okay. One,two, three, let’s go!

[The band crashes in with a thrashing punk rhythm butCandy just stands there, wobbling at the mike, andmisses her cue. Justin waves off the band who stopplaying and confers with Candy.]

Justin: All right, all right, all right. Whatis it, love? What do you want?

Candy Slice: Booze!

[Justin brings her a bottle a booze and chats with heras she drinks. Most of the liquor does not stay in hermouth but spills on the floor.]

Justin: Hey, you know, uh, Mick, Keith andWoody were thinking of dropping by later–

Phil Malone: [emerges from control room, upset,to Candy] Look! I got an album to do here! Do youunderstand? [calms down, tries down to reason withher] Now, Candy, Candy–

[Candy spits a mouthful of liquor in Phil’sface.]

Candy Slice: Sorry.

[Phil relieves Candy of the bottle. She sloppily andrepeatedly kisses Phil on the face.]

Phil Malone: Candy? Candy? Is – is thereanything that you need, Candy? I mean, are you happy,Candy? I mean, I want you to be happy, you know? Weall want you to be happy. Right? Doesn’t everybodywant her to be happy?

Various: Yeah! We want her to be happy. We alldo.

Phil Malone: So, are you ready to singnow, Candy?

Candy Slice: Gum!

Phil Malone: Gum! She wants a stick of gum!Okay.

[Fed up, Justin removes a wad of gum from his ownmouth and sticks it in Candy’s.]

Phil Malone: Good. Okay. Good. All right.Ready, everybody?

Justin: Yeah, yeah.

Phil Malone: [rushes into control room] Okay,all right. All right. [over intercom] “If You LookClose.” Take two.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!

[Band plays. Candy staggers away from the mike andcollapses against Justin, whispering in his ear. Bandstops playing.]

Justin: [placating Candy] I’ll take care of it.I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’lltake care of it.

Phil Malone: [emerges from control room] Nowwhat?

Justin: [points to the hair-brushing backupsinger] She wants her to cut her hair.

Phil Malone: What?

Justin: It’s shiny. It distracts her.

Phil Malone: Fine. Fine. All right, okay.[grabs scissors] Hair cut! The hair gets cut! Okay?There we go! Cut the hair. [lops off some hair, handsit to the backup singer] Here. That’s for you, honey.All right, wow. [exits into control room]

Backup Singer #1: [stares at Singer #2’s newhaircut] I liked it a lot better before.

Backup Singer #2: [to Singer #1] Does it reallylook bad?

Backup Singer #1: [to Singer #2] It’s not goodbut I guess it’ll grow out in ’bout a year ortwo.

Jerry Eldini: [sympathetic, to Singer #2]Relax. I know a dynamite hair cutter. How ’bout alittle tootski?

Backup Singer #2: [delighted] Tootski!

Jerry Eldini: [back to camera] All right. Go![Singer #2 leans in for a toot] Okay. Go! [Singer #1leans in for a toot]

[Justin lifts Candy in the air and carries her back tothe microphone, puts her hands on the mike stand,steadies her, then retreats to the controlroom.]

Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, let’stry it again. “If You Look Close.” Take three. Let’sgo.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!

[Band plays. Candy abruptly hits her cue and singswith energy and passion.]

Candy Slice: [sings]
I’m sexless – I sing loud
Know that always gets a crowd
I talk dirty – and I’m proud
No dry cleanin’ is allowed
I am funky – I don’t bathe
I am rock and roll’s new slave
I am punky – to the grave
I can’t sing but I can raaaaaaaaave

I got the rhythm
High heeled feet
Pants to go with ’em

Candy and Backup Singers:
I am hot
Don’t need no bra
Got what it takes
To make a starrrr!

[Candy dances jerkily and robotically as the bandgrooves behind her.]

Keyboardist: One, two, three, four!

[The music cools down for a moment and Candy staggersback to the mike.]

Candy Slice: [sings]
If you look close
You can see my tips
‘Cause I want ya to
But don’t want ya to know that I do!

[Candy hops around the studio frantically.]

Backup Singers: [sing]
If you look close – you can see my tits,
‘Cause i want you to, but don’t want you to know I do
If you look close – you can see my tits,
‘Cause I want you to, but don’t want you to know thatI dooooooo

Candy Slice: [sings]
I am bitter – I don’t care
I have never washed my hair
I’m immoral – and a pig [snort]

Candy and Backup Singers:
And I’m makin’ it real biiiig!

Candy Slice: [sings]
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I– ?
Do you know what I– ?
Do you know– ?
Do you know– ?
Do you know– ?
Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya-
Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do
Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody -Doody
Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do
Uhhhhh….!

[Candy collapses to the floor as the band finishes upand the crowd cheers and applauds. Phil, Justin andEldini emerge from the control room happily andcongratulate the band and backup singers over Candy’sunconscious, prostrate body as we hear a playback ofCandy’s song.]

Jerry Eldini: [holds up some coke] Tootski! Whowants one?

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set, the cameras andthe Studio 8H audience – then pull back. Before fadingout, we see a SUPER: coming up next… Charlie’s AngelDust]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray…..Dan Aykroyd

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D. This is “Telepsychic”. My name is Ray, and I’ll be taking your calls today.Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Our lines are open, ask me about anything today – about life, jobs, money, love.. anything at all, I’ll predict for you. Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Uh.. yeah.. yeah.. I lost my job, and I need some money. Uh.. am I gonna get some money soon, and get a job?

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, uh.. yes.. in a week.. somebody will give you some money.. and you’ll get a new job in.. oh.. about a month. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, thank you, Ray!

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Uh, yeah.. my girlfriend won’t go out with me any more.. but, uh.. I don’t care, because we’ve been going out for a long time, anyway.. and I’d like to find somebody new, anyway.. but, uh.. do you think she might come back to me, anyway?

Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. no. Uh.. yes.. yes. I predict you’ll go out with someone new for awhile.

Caller #2: Oh, for how long you think?

Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. oh, about a month.. or so.. and then your old girlfriend will come back to you, and you’ll be together again.. for about a month, okay?

Caller #2: Uh.. okay. Thank you very much.

Telepsychic Ray: Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Am I on?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, you’re on the air. Go ahead.

Caller #3: My seester wants to take some butter..

Telepsychic Ray: [ hangs up quickly ] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #4: Hi I have a sick friend, and I want to know if she’ll get better, and when.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay.. uh.. yes. She’s gonna get better.. and I feel that she should get better.. in.. oh.. about a couple of months.. okay?

Caller #4: Yeah? Well, I don’t got no sick friend, I just made that up! I said, I don’t got no sick friend! What do you think of that?

Telepsychic Ray: I think you’re sick.

Caller #4: What?!

Telepsychic Ray: ..I predict you’re the one who’s gonna get sick!

Caller #4: I’m gonna get sick?!

Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. yes.. I feel you have a lump.. a clot in your back, and it’s moving, growing, and moving, moving up into your neck.

Caller #4: Well, will it go away? Am I gonna get better?

Telepsychic Ray: No. no. Definitely not.

Caller #4: No, come on!

Telepsychic Ray: No, no.. it’s gonna move into your neck and choke you, okay?

Caller #4: Okay.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #5: Hello. Listen, my favorite show is “Saturday Night”, and I was wondering if you could tell me how they’re gonna start the show this week?

Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Valerie Harper … Gilda Radner
Chico Escuela … Garrett Morris
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello

[TEASER:]

Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front ofphoto of bikini babes washing an automobile]Auto-eroticism for horny cars … This story and moreon Weekend Update next.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Brought to you byReincarnation — The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows!… Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

In an interview last week, Ronald Reagan proudlypointed out that, over the years, the Reverend JimJones had supported a number of political figures fromthe Democratic party but never any from theRepublican. Well, Weekend Update has looked into thepast histories of some recent mass murderers and foundsome surprising information. Richard Speck, who killedeight nurses, was a Republican precinct chairman inChicago … and was once vice-president of Wisconsin’sRepublican Ripon Society. Juan Corona, the Californiamachete killer, was a speechwriter for Barry Goldwater… and David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam slayer, was,and still is, a Youth for Nixon. Bill? …

Bill Murray: San Francisco residents have beenshaken in recent weeks and, as a result of theincreasingly gloomy climate of the city, singer TonyBennett today had his heart picked up and moved to asafer place. …

Well, to make room for new mid-season TV programs,dozens of shows have gotten the axe this week and oneof them, I’m sorry to say, is “Rhoda.” Which brings usto this week’s Celebrity Corner because my guesttonight is the star of “Rhoda,” Valerie Harper. [Billturns to smiling, gum-chewing Valerie Harper (dressedas her character Rhoda Morgenstern) who appears on theChroma-Key screen behind him] Hi, Val!

Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!

Bill Murray: Welcome to CelebrityCorner.

Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!

Bill Murray: Kitten, let’s get to the uglystuff, first. Your cancellation. How do you feel aboutit, Val?

Valerie Harper: [thick New York accent] Oh, I’mfine. Listen, I had my shot. I got my break on the old”Mary Tyler Moore Show,” they gave me my own showwhich ran for five and a half years, and now I’m off.That’s life.

Bill Murray: That’s all well and good, honey,but how do you really feel about it?

Valerie Harper: [in denial] I don’t wanna tawkabout it.

Bill Murray: Valerie!

Valerie Harper: I really don’t wanna tawk aboutit.

Bill Murray: Valerie-a!

Valerie Harper: I’m ticked off!

Bill Murray: You’re ticked off. Okay, nowthat’s the old adorable Rhoda that I love so much.Now, why do you think you were canceled?

Valerie Harper: You know why they canceled me,Bill? You really wanna know why? Anti-Semitism. …CBS hates Jews. That’s why I was canceled.

Bill Murray: [amused] Val, you are sowrong. CBS does not hate Jews. I happen to knowthat Bill Paley, the chairman of CBS, is Jewish. And,furthermore, you’re not Jewish.

Valerie Harper: [long pause] … I’m not?!…

Bill Murray: No. Rhoda Morgenstern is, butValerie Harper is not. …

Valerie Harper: I’m dyin’ … Are you sure I’mnot Jewish? …

Bill Murray: [sighs] I’m sure I’m sure.

Valerie Harper: I’m a shiksa? … A bland,humorless, “makes a lousy mother because she caresmore about whiskey and spam than she does her ownchildren” shiksa? …

Bill Murray: Well, yes, I’m afraid so.

Valerie Harper: Then why do I tawk like this?…

Bill Murray: It beats me, Valerie. Thanks forbeing with us on Celebrity Corner. [Valerie Harperdisappears as Bill turns back to the camera] ValerieHarper, a very confused star of “Rhoda.” [applause]Jane?

Jane Curtin: This just in: The U.S. Post Officehas issued a special Christmas season reminder formembers of Synanon. To avoid the Christmas rush, getyour snakes in the mail early. …

Well, it looks like we’re going to set the clocks backagain tonight for something the people in Washingtonare calling “Christmas Savings Time.” Tonight atmidnight, we all set back the clock seven hours,making it five o’clock, then those stores that stayopen till nine will re-open, making Christmas shoppinga snap. …

Now, we’d like to welcome a new member to our Updateteam, the former All-Star second baseman for the NewYork Mets, Chico Escuela. Welcome, Chico. [Chicoclears his throat, photo of smiling Chico Escuela inbaseball uniform and holding a bat] Chico will becovering the sports scene for Weekend Update.[applause for Chico, a Dominican ballplayer who sitsopposite Jane – he has a thick Dominican accent andspeaks very little English]

Chico Escuela: Thank you. Thank you, berry,berry much. … Base-ball … been berry, berry goodto me. … Thank you, Hane. … [Photo of major leagueballplayer Pete Rose] Pete-ee Rose … Base-ball beenberry, berry good to Pete Rose. … Three – point -two – million – dollar para Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle,you bet. … Thank you very, very much. [NationalFootball League schedule is shown] In – foot-ball …I don’t know – football. … In Dominican Republic,foot-ball is — how you say, Hane? Um – Oh! — soccer!Your football– [pause] I don’t know. … [Hockeygraphic] In National Hockey League … [shakes hishead] I don’t know hockey … [applause, photo ofsmiling Chico again] In base-ball– Base-ball beenberry, berry good to me! … Thank you very much.Thank you. Thank you very much. [applause] Hane? Thankyou, Hane.

Jane Curtin: [genuinely enthusiastic] Greatjob, Chico. I’m glad that we haven’t hired justanother stupid ex-jock sportscaster. …

Menachem Begin, in Oslo to pick up his half of theNobel Peace Prize tomorrow, says that he’ll give theprize money — his share of the one hundred thirtythousand dollars — to the state of Israel. AnwarSadat says he’ll use the money to build a monument topeace near Cairo. Sadat says the monument will becalled “The $65,000 Pyramid.” … Bill?

Bill Murray: Retired Army General William C.Westmoreland stated this week that the advances madein medicine as a result of the Vietnam War have savedmore lives than those lost in that conflict.Accordingly, the Pentagon has recommended that theUnited States immediately begin World War III in thehope of wiping out all disease. … Jane?

Jane Curtin: Earlier this October, Congressextended the period for ratification of the EqualRights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additionalstate legislature has ratified this most basicaffirmation of human rights. It is time we women tookaction. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I amtherefore calling on the women of America to place amoratorium on the act of performing oral sex on anymale … until the ERA is the law. … Now, this mayseem a little harsh [scattered applause] but I feel itis the only alternative that we have. … I don’tknow–

Bill Murray: [unhappy and increasingly nervous]Wait – just a minute, here. … [applause] Jane, I amfor ERA as much as you or anybody else but I don’t seewhy I should suffer … as a result– becausesome state legislators in Illinois refuse to back it!I mean, their wives are probably anti-ERA anyway. Imean, wh- what difference is it gonna make?

Jane Curtin: We-e-ell, Bill, maybe this methodwill make men like you put a little pressure on thesestate legislators.

Bill Murray: [desperate] Well, Jane, somepeople react negatively to too much pressure. Thiscould hurt ERA. … We’d hate to hurt ERA now.

Jane Curtin: [amused] I doubt it, Bill. I thinkyou’re just reacting out of self-interest. …

Bill Murray: [taking a different approach]Well, okay, Jane. But remember that oral sex is asword that cuts both ways. No oral sex — you knowwhat I’m saying? [Jane suddenly looks worried] … I’mtalking about a moratorium on guys performing oral sexon girls.

Jane Curtin: [instant conversion] Uh, maybeyou’re right, Bill, uh– … Forget what I said….

Bill Murray: [smugly] Okay. That’s better,Jane. … [extended applause as Bill winks at Janeand, very pleased with himself, the audience, too – hethrows himself into the next news item with greatgusto, to the amusement of the crowd]

Hordes of rats overtook a bus in downtownAlbany yesterday … and demanded to be taken to thecity zoo, fed, washed, and presented with littlewoolen jackets like dogs wear. … Fortunately, manyof the passengers on the bus had just been to a cheesefair and were able to placate the rats with horsd’oeuvres and light conversation. …

Well, it’s been almost a year that Mayor Koch has hada chance to fulfill his promise to clean up New York.The center of the problem is, of course, Forty-SecondStreet. Some New Yorkers think that the area hasn’tgotten any worse but many feel that it has. We decidedto investigate the scene firsthand and, in order tomaintain an objective viewpoint, we sent our friend,the gossip columnist for L’Osservatore Romano, FatherGuido Sarducci, to take a look. Father Sarducci?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accentedFather Guido Sarducci.]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Bill. Thankyou. Well, I must say that I think the Forty-SecondStreet area has definitely gotten worse. I was therefor the first time ’bout five years ago and I wentback again and it’s worse than it was before, that’s-afor sure. I went to this one place, new place downthere. It’s-a called “Nude Wrestling.” … I thought,you know, at first, maybe it was just like a front fora massage parlor. But no, it was what it-a saysit is, nude wrestling. And there was this girl inthere, you know, and she was real nice-a to me, youknow, real pretty girl, and she says, what it is is,it cost twenty dollars and you get to wrestle for onehalf hour, thirty minutes.

Well, personally, y’know, I never like to fight much.Got in-a one fight my whole life, you know, was in-athe seminary. This is true — Father Chingotti is hisname — I name him by name. … He pulled my T-shirtdown and everything, you know what I mean? Who needsit? … But this was-a different, you know, and, uh, Ihaven’t got any exercise all the time I’m livin’ inNew York, you know? So I says, you know–

She says, Well, all you gotta do, go behind thecurtain — they have like four little rooms — says,you take off your clothes and come out fightin’ whenyou hear the bell ring. … Well, I go in there. I’mwaitin’, you know, it’s-a five minutes. Ten minutes.Fifteen minutes, you know, I’m cold. … I – Ithought, you know, maybe she was like doin’ somecalisthenics, y’know, gettin’ loosened up, somethin’like that. … That wasn’t the case. You know whatthey do there at that nude wrestling place? They makeyou wait till another customer comes in … That guy,you know, he was as shocked as me, you know, when–… when we come out of-a there, you know what I mean?Should-a seen the look on his face, I’m tellin’ you…. Anyway– I won two out of three, though. … Hey,I mean, twenty dollars investment — you just can’twaste it, right? …

I must say, though, they do have some good souvenirsin the Forty-Second Street district. I bought thisthing here. [holds up what looks like a large,plastic, red apple] It’s like a lighter, “Big Apple”they call it. And when you pull it, [pulls the stemout of the apple to reveal a flaming cigarettelighter] lights up for cigarettes like, you know? Costtwelve dollars. And I priced them in other areas. Wastwelve twenty-five in another store. And inanother store, was-a twelve thirty-five. So,Forty-Second Street area is-a good for some things.Maybe it’s not good for other things. And my advice isthat you have to use your own judgment. … Itwas more than wonderful talkin’-a to you. Arrivederci,America! Gracias. [applause]

[Under the applause, Bill thanks Father Sarducci andwinks to Jane.]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Festrunks at the Bar

Male Patron…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Female Patron (background)…..Rosie Shuster
Gayle…..Gilda Radner
Debbie…..Laraine Newman
Linda…..Jane Curtin
Bartender…..Bill Murray
Glenn Johnson…..John Belushi
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Second Male Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on interior, singles bar, as Male Patron exits with an unknown woman, as Gayle, Debbie, and Linda enter the bar ]

Gayle: Hey, Debbie — this looks like a great place. It’s quiet and not too crowded.

Debbie: Yeah, you know, they really fixed it up! I mean, it used to be a blarney stone, you know? One of those Irish roast beef and whiskey bars?

Linda: [ smiling ] I really like that bartender!

[ they approach the bar ]

Bartender: Hi, girls. Welcome to Mixers. What can I get ya’?

Gayle: Uh — whiskey sour.

Debbie: Gin fizz.

Linda: Rusty Nail.

Bartender: Sour, Fizz, and a Nail. [ he snaps his fingers and retreats ]

[ Glenn Johnson leans into the bar ]

Glenn Johnson: Excuse me, ladies, uh — can you help me with a little “problem” that I have?

Gayle: Yeah. What is it?

Glenn Johnson: Well, you see, I’m on a LARGE company expense tab this week, and if I spend less than fifty bucks tonight, they’re gonna start cutting me! So, uhhh — I’m gonna have to buy you girls a drink, huh?

Linda: Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.

Glenn Johnson: Hey, you’re not gonna get off THAT easy! I’ll be back! [ he retreats to the main floor ]

Debbie: God, I hope we do better than him tonight.

[ the bartender returns with their drinks ]

Bartender: Ah, relax. He’s probably from out of town, probably read about the place. Don’t worry — our hip crowd hasn’t come in yet.

Gayle: Thanks.

Bartender: Sure thing.

[ the girls take a table ]

[ suddenly, Georg and Yortuk Festrunk swing into the place ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Ted! Get off my back!

Georg Festrunk: Eat my dust!

Bartender: How ’bout it? Can I get you men on something?

George Festrunk: That’s YOUR problem! ONE… is PLEN-TY!

Bartender: How ’bout a couple of brewskis, fellas?

George Festrunk: Don’t MENTION it!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, Ted! I’m telling you something now: all night we have cruised the FOX bars, and, yet, NO chicks will agree to SWING with us!

George Festrunk: They were frightened, by our BUL-GES!

Bartender: You sure it’s the bulges, and not those hats?

Yortuk Festrunk: [ confused ] Hats? We brought them WITH us!

George Festrunk: AND! Our tooth-brush-es!

Bartender: Toothbrushes?

George Festrunk: We have many toiletry articles in travel kit, that we carry with us, all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ showing off his case ] You see, this prepares us for a night at any given fox’s pad!

Bartender: Well, I see that you’re fully equipped. [ nodding toward the girls ] There’s three chicks right over there who seem to be available.

Together: FOX-ESSSSS!!!

[ they brush their teeth and swing forward ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Pardon me for a moment, but here’s something: I’m Yortuk Festrunk, and this is my brother Georg. We’re two swinging guys, who enjoy doing many things, and, can COME ON to you now!

George Festrunk: We are… TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!

Yortuk Festrunk: Well! In order for you to see how swinging we are in America, we must have a swinging rap session here at the bar! So, tell us your names!

Debbie: Uh — I’m Debbie.

Gayle: I-I’m Gayle.

Linda: Linda.

George Festrunk: Clean up your act!

Yortuk Festrunk: Catch you la-ter! [ they laugh at themselves ] Well… Debbie, Gayle, Linda… now that we know your names, let us start a swinging rap session!

George Festrunk: Tell me, Debbie: when you have sex… are you LOUD?

Yortuk Festrunk: LIN-DA! Do you make many NOIS-ES?

Linda: [ aghast ] Excuse me! But, what RIGHT do you guys have to ask us PERSONAL questinos like that?!

[ Glenn Johnson muscles forward ]

Glenn Johnson: Hey, are these guys bothering you?

Linda: Oh, great — our hero.

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Swinger! Why don’t you buy a drink for yourself, and enjoy it?

Glenn Johnson: The name’s Glenn Johnson! I don’t like your tone!

George Festrunk: Tone?! COUNT ME IN, Glenn!

Glenn Johnson: Okay, buddy, it’s GO time! [ he whips off his sunglasses ] Let’s go! Come on!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, GO TIME!

George Festrunk: Oh, boy!

Yortuk Festrunk: It will be a PARTY tonight, Glenn!

[ Glenn shoves Georg, as the Bartender steps forward and grabs Glenn’s shoulder ]

Bartender: Okay, why don’t you just go outside, okay?

Glenn Johnson: Hey! They were bothering the —

[ Glenn is muscled outside ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, goodbye, Glenn!

George Festrunk: You swinging American! [ they laugh, then return their interests to the girls ] So, Debbie… perhaps you have many electrical devices that you use for SEX!

Yortuk Festrunk: We have, now, a vibrating machine, that we brought from Czechoslavakia! [ he opens his bag and removes a drill with a feather duster attached to the end ]

George Festrunk: A Communist Party official traded it at market for many fuel coupons!

[ Yortuk cranks up the device from a detonator, as Georg rubs the feather duster against the girls’ faces ]

Debbie: Oh, please turn that thing off! We’ve seen enough! That’s very dangerous!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ not getting it ] So? Aren’t you getting HOT yet?

George Festrunk: You know, Debbie… I have PAID for many women WORSE than you!

Yortuk Festrunk: So! Which —

Debbie: [ annoyed ] That’s nice. Thanks a lot.

Yortuk Festrunk: We have talked long enough! Let us choose partners for SEX!

George Festrunk: Here is something! Look at our SLACKS! It is because of YOU, that our pouches are STRETCHING!

Yortuk Festrunk: Now that we have TALKED, and you have EX-CITE-ED us, you must take us to your PADS, to relieve us!

Gayle: Wait a minute, that’s it! You guys are really ignorant! [ to her friends ] Come on, let’s go.

Linda: Yeah.

Yortuk Festrunk: Wait! Wait! Can’t you see enough of our CHEST hairs?!

George Festrunk: The body odor soap that we use ALL the time, makes our chest hairs very CRIS-PY!

[ the girls stand up and leave ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Bye, FOX-ES!!

George Festrunk: Out. To lunch!

Yortuk Festrunk: I love American fox-es! We could NEVER have this great success with chicks back in Czechoslavakia!

George Festrunk: We must cruise again, to this fox bar! [ he turns to the bartender ] Hey, Ted! You are the LOW-EST! [ they laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: [ to a couple sitting down ] Hey, you swing-ers! It’s par-ty time! Why don’t you buy yourselves a drink, and EN-JOY it!

[ they start up their feather duster drill one again, as the scene zooms out, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Acrylic Security Blankets” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

[ return from final bumper to find Steve seated at the final sketch’s table, with Gilda seated beside him and the other cast members standing behind them ]

Steve Martin: We’ll finish this sketch on the next show I’m on, in February! We had a technical problem tonight. Thanks for being here, we’ll see you later!

[ zoom out, roll credits ]

[ Dan Aykroyd brings a menu back to the table and begins to do the King Tut dance for Steve ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..Bill Murray

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ as the audience cheers, Steve casually walks down to Home Base with a vise on his head and acts as though he is unaware of its presence ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, I have to be honest with you. Uh — I do not feel well tonight. [ laughter ] I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. [ laughter ] It was as though my… head were in a vise. [ he clamps his his fingers as the audience laughs ] I thought it would go away — it hasn’t. I took some aspirin — it did nothing. But I decided to continue with the show anyway. [ he looks offscreen ] Pardon me, what? [ a beat ] There’s a clamp on my head? [ confusion turns to relief, as Steve laughs cheerfully and removes the vise from his head ] Aw, those “Saturday Night” people! They didn’t even tell me! I went through make-up and everything, and nobody said a word!

[ he drops the vise to the floor, then turns serious ]

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, Oh… I’ll bet he’s on drugs.” [ laughter ] Well, I’ll be honest with you: I used to smoke… marijuana! [ he covers his face in mock shame ] But I would only smoke it… in the late evening. Oh, occasionally, the early evening, or mid-evening. But that was it — the late evening, the early evening, or mid-evening, but that was it, I — ohhh, occasionally, the early morning… or, oh, the mid-morning… maybe the late morning… or, occasionally, the early-mid-late morning! Or, sometimes, the mid-early morning, or… oh, the late afternoon! Sometimes, the mid-early-late afternoon! Never at DUSK! NOOOOOO, I would never smoke it at dusk! Oh, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Because that’s when the little FAT men would come! And they would DO things to me! They’d go: [he bounces his fingers forward ] “Whoa-oa! Who-oa!” And I LIKED it! [ he laughs wildly ]

[ seriously ] But I quit that! I’ve quit ALL drugs. Well… let me say one thing: I twisted my ankle this morning, and I was in quite a bit of pain… so I went to the doctor, and I asked him to give me some pain pills. And he didn’t want to do it, but I talked him into it. So he gave me some pills — and I shouldn’t have done this, but I took some about an hour before the show tonight, and right now… I am high… as a KITE! [ audience cheers ] I mean, it is unbelievable! And I would NEVER say this to you people, but, in this case: if you EVER get a chance, to take these drugs… DO IT! They’re called… [ he glances from side-to-side cautiously ] Placebos! I mean, I’m thinking that right now I have NO idea where I am at all! It is WILD! Placebo!

You know, last time I was on this show, I did a little comedy routine with Bill Murray, and, uh, it worked out pretty well, a little Comedy Pickpocket kind of thing. This time, we decided to do another routine. He’s a great man, let’s bring him out. BILL MURRAY!!

[ Bill Murray rushes out ]

Without sounding corny, Bill is really an artist. He’s an actor, and it’s fun to work with someone with ths kind of knowledge of show business. Bill, take a bow. [ Bill bows gracefully, the audience applauds, and Steve rewards him by placing a cracker in his mouth ] Bill, it’s really a pleasure working with you.

Bill Murray: It’s great working with you, too, Steve.

Steve Martin: Shake. [ he extends his hand ]

[ Bill shakes Steve’s hand, and is promptly rewarded with another cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, uh — today is November 4th, and I’ll be going on a promotional tour for my new album until November 18th. How many days is that?

Bill Murray: 14.

Steve Martin: And how many weeks?

Bill Murray: Two weeks!

[ Steve rewards Bill with another tasty cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, I didn’t bring my banjo with me tonight, and I’m sure the people would love to hear some music. Uh — what’s one of your favorite songs?

Bill Murray: “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s a good tune, uh, maybe you could play it for us a little bit?

[ Steve motions to a stagehand, who brings in a horn set-up like seals play in zoos ]

Bill Murray: S-sure… I’d love to.

[ Bill honks out the tunes with his hand, one note at a time, in a very awkward manner ]

Steve Martin: That’s great, Bill. [ he feeds Bill another cracker ]

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Steve Martin: Bill — Bill, do you think you’d be able to jump through a hoop?

Bill Murray: Sure.

Steve Martin: Okay! Come on out here! [ a stagehand brings in a hoop ] Let’s give it a try and see what happens. [ Steve sets the hoop on fire ]

[ Bill hesitates for a moment, then dives headfirst through the blazing hoop with great success, even to his own amazement; the audience goes wild ]

Steve Martin: That’s great! Bill Murray! [ he holds his gaze with the audience; there is no cracker for Bill ] Well, that’s our comedy routine, I think it went real well, and it’s just a real pleasure for me to come back and work with the people at “Saturday Night”. We’ve got a big show ahead of us. [ Bill indicates to the audience that he expects a cracker ] And, uh, I’m anxious to get on with it, because “Saturday Night”‘s a special show for me. I like working with the people, and I like — you know, ALL the people are such great performers, and when we’re together it’s like a rapport. [ Bill tries to peek inside Steve’s pocket, in search of a cracker ] And that’s what I think is fun, is when you have this — [ he gives Bill a dirty look for digging in his pocket ] And, uh — you know, we have a lot of funny things to do tonight, a lot of — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s upper pocket, as Steve gives him a dirty glance ] And a lot of single pieces, uh, we’ve got music — Van Morrison’s special guest, he’s fabulous, and, uh — [ Bill moves to Steve’s other side, still in search of crackers ] Actually, being on this show is a real thrill, and that’s — that’s what — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s pocket, to Steve’s annoyance ] Bill! Bill, come on, you don’t get a cracker for this part. I don’t have enough.

Bill Murray: Steve, where’s the cracker? Come on!

Steve Martin: I’m sorry, Bill — we can’t give a cracker after each routine. I mean, that gets to be very expensive.

Bill Murray: We’ve been rehearsing this bit all week long, and every time I jumped through the hoop, you gave me a cracker.

Steve Martin: I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker in these kind of acts after each time. It looks like you’re only doing it for the cracker.

Bill Murray: Well, listen, Steve. I’ve never operated on anything but a handshake in this busines, you know? I jumped through the hoop on Monday, you gave me a cracker. Tuesday, I did it again; you gave me another cracker. Wednesday, we didn’t rehearse; I didn’t get a cracker. Thursday and Friday, we did it four times: cracker, cracker, cracker, cracker!

Steve Martin: Well, Bill, I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker out each time. I’m sorry, we just can’t do it. [ he turns to the audience ] Ladies and gentlemen —

Bill Murray: Well, maybe I’ll just tell… Jane and Garret and Dan there’s not gonna be a cracker after the show tonight.

Steve Martin: [ nervously ] Come on! You wouldn’t do that!

Bill Murray: I mean, maybe they won’t do the show.

Steve Martin: [ hyperventilating ] Y-y-y-y-you wouldn’t DARE do that!

Bill Murray: Steve. I’m gonna call your bluff. Either you give me a cracker… or I go back to the dressing rooms and spill my guts.

[ Steve hyperventilates more and grits his teeth in disgust ]

[ at last, Steve reaches into his pocket and thrusts a cracker in Bill’s mouth ]

[ Bill chews the cracker triumphantly ]

Bill Murray: Thanks for the cracker, Steve.

[ Bill exits the stage ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, if I’m gonna have to give a cracker out after each routine tonight, uh, to every member of the cast… this changes things a little bit for me, financially. Uh, I’m gonna have to think about this… and we may or may not be back after this commercial.

SNL Transcripts