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SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: The Coneheads on Earth

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

The Coneheads on Earth

Student…..Jill Clayburgh
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Ronnie…..Bill Murray

[ open in interior, motel room, Student smoking a cigarette in bed ]

Student: You might not believe this, but.. this is the first time I’ve ever done this in a motel. I mean, I just split with my old man, and we were really tight. The only reason I’m here tonight is that I think you’re really.. “special”.

[ Beldar Conehead steps out of the bathroom, and lights up an entire pack of cigarettes ]

Beldar Conehead: “Special”?

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads On Earth” ]

Student: Ye-eah.. Oh, I’ve never been with anyone from France before! [ playing with Beldar’s Sensor Ring ] Hey, what do you call these things again?

Beldar Conehead: Sensor Rings.

Student: Sensor Rings! Yeah! Wow! Well, anyway, they made it really beautiful! I mean.. really different! [ Beldar begins to get dressed ] Hey, what’s happening, Beldar? Are you splitting on me, or what?

Beldar Conehead: Prymaat must not discover that a human has administered the Sensor Rings!

Student: Oh.. Prymaat. I bet that’s your old lady, huh?

Beldar Conehead: Correct! She is my spousal unit, chosen by the larthron spheres of Mypzor!

Student: Yeah, yeah, I had a heavy thing happening with my old man, too. Well, I suppose we’ll see each other at our next driving lesson..

Beldar Conehead: Correct!

Student: [ sighs ] Couldn’t you just make up some old story for your old lady? You know, so we could spend the entire night together? I mean, it’s not such a big risk..

Beldar Conehead: [ jumps up, enraged ] NO, foolish one! Prymaat and I are the Timekeepers of Remulak! We must fulfill our mission to seize and establish your miserable little planet as a minor refueling station for the High Master’s star cruiser! Besides.. if she found out, she’d kill me!

Student: Okay, Beldar, that’s cool. At least let me slip you one before you go. [ Beldar agrees, as she puts the Sensor Ring over his cone ]

[ dissolve to the Conehead Family living room, Prymaat staring at the phone as Connie sits next to her ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy? I wish to consume mass quantities immediately. My human friend will be here soon to take me to a drive-in movie.

Prymaat Conehead: Drive-in movie?

Connie Conehead: Drive-in movie. A two-dimensional life projection of psycho-sexual release beams viewed from inside internal combustion vehicles.

Prymaat Conehead: Ahh! I remember when Beldar would take me to view ignaray formations under the azog pools on Remulak.

Connie Conehead: Yes, yes, I know. You’ve showed me your memory crystals. [stands ] I must go upstairs now and prepare my cone for my date. [ retreats upstairs ]

[ Beldar enters the front door ]

Beldar Conehead: Hello, honey. I’m home. [ silence between them ] What’s for mass consumption?

Prymaat Conehead: What’s this? Can’t you even touch cones when we come home now?

Beldar Conehead: Sorry. [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: The pre-designated time coordinates for evening mass consumption has long since passed! Please communicate to me the reason for your delay!

Beldar Conehead: A large meteorite fell from the sky. I stopped to examine it. Yes, that’s it! A large meteorite!

Prymaat Conehead: That’s the third meteorite this month! [ notices his back ] Beldar! The Sensor Rings! [ pulls it from behind his back ] You have removed them from our sleep chamber! Unacceptable!

Beldar Conehead: No!

Prymaat Conehead: There are red markings on your cone! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! You have been with a human! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Human?! Sensor Rings?! Mip! Mip!

Prymaat Conehead: Silence! Our young one approaches, she must not know!

Connie Conehead: [ re-enters ] Hi, Daddy! [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: Let us consume mass quantities of your favorite meal! I have prepared it buffet-style.

[ they circle the dining stand ]

Beldar Conehead: Ah! Insect repellent strips and fiberglass insulation. [ eats ] Pass the fiberglass.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: You don’t have to bite my cone off!

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: Finally, my human date. I am glad he has arrived. [ opens door ] Hi, Ronnie! You have met my parental units.

Ronnie: Hi, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead! We’ve met before. Come on, I’m Ronnie Getsetter.

Beldar Conehead: Good evening! We invite you to consume mass quantities!

Ronnie: What are you having?

Connie Conehead: Petroleum insect strips, fiberglass insulation, and beer.

Ronnie: [ grossed out ] I just ate before I came over, thanks. But Iwill have some of this beer, uh.. if you don’t mind. [ packs up 4 or 5 of the six-packs ] We’re going to the movies, you know? Finally gonna see “Close Encounters”.

Beldar Conehead: “Close Encounters”?

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s a movie about UFOs.

Coneheads: UFOs! [ they laugh ]

Connie Conehead: Well. Good night, parental units.

Ronnie: Gee, thanks for the brewskis! [ they leave ]

Prymaat Conehead: [ sitting ] Beldar.. I understand physical urges. But, of all creatures, why a human? How could you?

Beldar Conehead: I don’t know, Prymaat. Sometimes my cone has a mind of its own, and I behave like a common flabrab!

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! Mip!

[ phone rings ]

Beldar Conehead: [ answers phone ] Greetings! Prymaat? I will summon her. Prymaat.

Prymaat Conehead: [ takes the phone ] Greetings. [ eyes grow wide ] Jerry!

Beldar Conehead: Jerry?

Prymaat Conehead: I instructed you never to call me here! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: [ outraged ] Jerry! Mip! You have also been with a human! Mip! Prymaat, we must resist these humans!

Prymaat Conehead: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.

Beldar Conehead: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!

Prymaat Conehead: [ touching cones ] Beldar, I haven’t heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let’s hone our cones right here on the floor.

Beldar Conehead: I agree!

[ the toss Sensor Rings onto each other cones, as the scene pans out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Is Electricity Just A Hoax?” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

Goodnights

…..Jill Clayburgh

Jill Clayburgh: Well, thank you all very much. And the cast and Eddie Money, and, uh, it’s really been — it’s been great being here, and I’m still thinking about that opening for the next time that I come and that I’m on this show. [ an orange is tossed to her from off-camera ] Oh! See, I’m quick, too! So… good night!

[ the cast surrounds Clayburgh on-stage, including a late Dan Aykroyd ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night: Our host will be Christopher Lee, with musical guest Meat Loaf, and Richard Belzer. Until then, this is Don Pardo — or, as I’m know on St. Patrick’s Day: Don O’Pard. Good niiiight.

[ Clayburgh and the cast continue to toss the organge back and forth with someone off-stage ]

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SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Jill Clayburgh’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

Jill Clayburgh’s Monologue

…..Jill Clayburgh

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jill Clayburgh!

Jill Clayburgh: Hiiii! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. Oh, it’s really great to be back here. You know, I hosted this show two years ago, and it was really great fun and we’ve been having a great time doing it this year. And, uh — But, you know, when I saw the repeat of the show that I did last time, I learned a very important lesson. I realized that with, you know, well, with the rehearsal and everything — you know, you’re talking all the time — I didn’t really prepare the opening, you know, this part, as well as I should have done it. You know? The opening — well, it’s important because I can be myself and you can get to know me, and I’m not a character — I dn’t have wigs on, I’m not crazy. And, uh — so it’s important to be prepared for that, I want to make a nice impression, I want you to like me. So before I came back this time, i vowed I would learn my lesson from the last time and PREPARE. Well — uh — I learned another lesson this week. I learned that I didn’t really learn my lesson last time. Otherwise, this opening would be a lot funnier and a lot longer than it’s going to be! So I think I really leanred my lesson this time, and if they ever ask me back, I-I’m gonna really WORK on this opening! HARDER than any other part of the show! I mean, I’m gonna really spend a lot of TIME on it! And, uh, it’ll really be GREAT next time. So, until next time… watch this time… and it’s gonna be long and it’s gonna be funny. And, uh, we’ll be right back, after this message.

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SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Everything’s Blurry

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

Everything’s Blurry

Female Passenger…..Jill Clayburgh
Male Passenger…..John Belushi
Gentleman…..Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, airplane, night ]

Female Passenger: I’m just going to sleep. You can have the window seat, if you want to look out…

Male Passenger: [ squinting ] Ahhh… there’s nothing to see out there.

Female Passenger: No, no, that’s not true. We’ll be crossing over the Rockies soon. They’re beautiful.

Male Passenger: What’s so beautiful about a bunch of blurry mountains? A big disappointment, just like everything else out West!

Female Passenger: Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?

Male Passenger: Yeah. I don’t know what all the FUSS is! It’s just a BIG out-of-focus HOLE in the ground! All blurry and all. Let me tell ya’ — I’ve been all over the world; I ain’t NEVER seen a place I really liked. You know? Egypt… Japan… France…

Female Passenger: [ impressed ] France? Oh, what was France like?

Male Passenger: A big letdown! I was in Paris, I went to the Louvre. Let me tell ya’ — I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s just one out-of-focus sculpture after another. Rooms and rooms of fuzzy paintings. Even the Mona Lisa, jsut like all the rest, all indistinct and BLURRY!

Female Passenger: Well, what about the women? I mean, the women in France, they’re supposed to be the msot beautiful women in the world.

Male Passenger: [ he scoffs ] Ahh, don’t ya’ believe it! They’re just like women everywhere — all fuzzy-looking and out-of-focus! I’ll tell ya’ — the only beautiful women I ever saw was my wife. I got a picture of her, I carry it wherever I go.

Female Passenger: Well… I’d love to see it…

Male Passenger: There. [ he hands her a fuzzy black-and-white framed photo ] Now, THAT was a beautiful woman!

Female Passenger: Oh… I-I’m sorry… Is she no longer living?

Male Passenger: Yeahhh. She died in a car crash. I kind of blame myself.

Female Passenger: Ohhhhh, you’re all alone in the world, then?

Male Passenger: Yep! You might say that. I’m kind of disillusioned. I look around me and there’s no beauty in the world. I don’t trust people — they’re always making BIG DEALS out of things that don’t WARRANT it!

Female Passenger: Well, you know, you’re — you’re — you’re not a bad-looking man.

Male Passenger: Ahh, you’re just saying that. I’ve looked in the mirror, and I know I’m all ill-defined and blurry.

Female Passenger: Have you ever thought about seing an eye doctor?

Male Passenger: [ confused ] An eye doctor?

Female Passenger: Yeah. You know, to check your eyes and to prescribe glasses?

Male Passenger: [ more confused ] Glasses?

Female Passenger: Yeah. Like — like these that I’m wearing. [ she removes her glasses ] Without these, everything is blurry… but with them, everything’s in-focus.

Male Passenger: Are you pulling my leg?

Female Passenger: No. No, here. Try them on. [ she puts her glasses over his eyes ]

Male Passenger: [ distraught ] Everything’s BLURRIER, and FUZZIER, and even MORE ILL-DEFINED!!

Female Passenger: [ smiling ] Oh, that’s because you need a different prescription!

Male Passenger: I don’t think that’s it! [ he takes the glasses off ] I think you’re just putting me on about these “glasses” things! Here! [ he hands back her glasses ]

Female Passenger: Noooo, I’m not…

Male Passenger: And I was getting to like ya’, even though you’re fuzzy-looking! I’m gonna sit somewhere else.

Female Passenger: [ flabbergasted ] Well, I-I-I was only trying to help you…

Male Passenger: Noooo, no it’s no use! It’s no use. Once somebody lies to me, I can’t trust them again.

[ he stands and approaches the gentleman sitting in the row in front of him ]

Male Passenger: Excuse me. Is someone sitting next to you?

[ the gentleman wakes up, pulls down his glasses, then looks at the woman sitting nexto him, then turns back to the male passenger ]

Gentleman: Yeah.

Male Passenger: No. [ he approaches the woman who was sitting behind him ] Pardon me. Is someone sitting next to you?

Woman: Yes.

[ he returns to the original female passenger ]

Male Passenger: Excuse me? Is someone sitting next to you?

Female Passenger: No.

[ having failed to recognize her, he returns to his original seat and sighs ]

Male Passenger: It’s kind of a disappointing trip. Huh?

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/21/78

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 9

Air Date:

Host:
Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 21st, 1978

Steve Martin

The Dirt Band

Randy Newman

None

Mitchell Laurance

State of the Union 1978Summary: Walter Mondale (Bill Murray), Tip O’Neil (John Belushi), and other attending politicians react with boredom to President Jimmy Carter’s (Dan Aykroyd) State of the Union Address.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Tip O’Neil.

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin accuses John Belushi of stealin $59, electrocutes himself, then tells the audience how they can be a millionaire and never pay taxes.
First Hosted: 76e.

SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.
Note: Repeat from: 77b.

The Mystery of BigfootSummary: Park Ranger (Steve Martin) doesn’t realize that the friendly mountaineer (John Belushi) with large feet is the supposed Bigfoot create he’s been hunting.

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are prepared to swing with a pair of computer dates, fully expecting them to be American girls with big breasts and not like-minded Croatian woman (Jane Curtin, Laraien Newman).

Recurring Characters: Jorge Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk, Cliff.

Dirt Band performs “On the Loose with the Blues”

Body FlossSummary: The Swedish cleaning string that makes hygeine fun.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from a commentary on a viewer’s heating problem to her disgust with toenails.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Randy Newman performs “Short People” & “Rider In The Rain”First Performed: 75b.

Family FeudSummary: The Conehead Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman) compete against the Romaine lettuce-loving Mel Family (Steve Marton, Gilda Radner, John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

Hollywood HomesSummary: Steve Martin gives a tour of the outsides of the homes of his “close personal friends.”

What If?Summary: Joan Cage (Jane Curtin) and her panel of experts consider the hypothetical prospect of Napoleon (John Belushi) with a B-52 bomber.

Steve Martin and Dirt Band performs “White Russia”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/21/78: The Mystery of Bigfoot

Amazon.com Widgets

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 9

The Mystery of Bigfoot

Husband…..John Belushi
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Park Ranger McConnell…..Steve Martin

[ open on couple sitting at the table in their cabin ]

Husband: [ reading the newspaper ] Boy, honey… All of this fuss around these parts about that Bigfoot sure is getting out of hand, isn’t it?

Wife: [ knitting ] Sure is! It’s getting so people around here are scared of their own shadow!

Husband: Yep.

[ a knock at the door ]

Husband: Come on in! The door’s always open!

Wife: Come on in!

[ Park Ranger McConnell enters ]

Park Ranger McConnell: Why, that’s some blizzard out there! My snowmobile broke down about a mile back!

Wife: Why, look — it’s Park Ranger McConnell!

Husband: Well, Park Ranger McConnell — What made you leave the warmth of your ranger station to come out on a night like this?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well, we just got word from Park Warden Mitchell to evacuate this whole area! From Moose Creek… over to Otter Valley! You know — Bigfoot’s loose again, and we gotta solve this mystery! The Red Cross has set up some cots down at the gymnasium at Bunyon High School! They’ve instructed ME and all the other rangers to get everybody out of here, from all of Moose Creek to clear down to Otter Valley! You know — each one of these guns is loaded with one of these tranquilizer darts! In case we ee Bigfoot, we can STUN him and CATCH him before someone gets hurt!

Wife: Well — Do you really think there’s any truth to these stories about Bigfoot, Ranger McConnell?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well… For one thing, during the last six months there’s been sightings of… GIANT Bigfoot tracks, why all the way from Moose Creek, oh, way out to Otter Valley. Why, there’s HUNDREDS of Bigfoot tracks all the way around this cabin! Perhaps you’ve had soem close brushes with this elusive creature that might bring me a step closer to bringing Bigfoot to captivity!

Husband: Oh, as you know now, Park Ranger McConnell, we’ve been living here six months now, and we’ve been all over these parts — you know, from Moose Creek all the way to Otter Valley… and we ain’t never seen no Bigfoot! [ he raises his leg and prope his massively oversized foot on the table.

Wife: Yeah. Sorry, Ranger McConnell, we can’t be of no help. But you know somthing? Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee? [ she stands, revealing her own large feet ] Have s seat!

Park Ranger McConnell: Alright… [ he takes her seat ] Boy, that’s a nice wooden stove you got there.

Wife: Ohhhhhhh, Santa brought it to me! I woke up Christmas moening and found it in my stocking!

Park Ranger McConnell: [ he stares, confused ] Boy, you know — This is really a mystery! You SURE you’ve never seen a creature around here that would leave a footprint about… oh… [ he spreads his hands around her boot ] this big?

Husband: No… no, no, no, no… Most creatures around here, you know — an otter, a wof, a deer, a fox — they all have pretty small feet. [ he puts on a fur bear coat ]

Wife: Well, Ranger McConnell — What does this here Bigfoot thing look like?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well… The only sightings of Bigfoot himself have been made from long distances in blizzards. But they all agree… that the creature always walks UPRIGHT like a man, with a THICK FUR covering his body.

Husband: [ he places the furry hat over his head ] No… never seen nothing like that. Well, I gotta go cut some more wood.

Wife: Alright, honey. You be careful now.

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Watch out for that blizzard. Want me to get the door?

Husband: [ struggling ] I’ll get the door here…

Wife: Get that door!

[ he pulls the door open, as the snow blows in ]

Wife: Whoa! Watch out for that! [ she helps close the door ] Ranger McConnell. Since your snowmobile broke — I mean, why don’t you spend the night here with us. I mean, we got an extra mattress, and you can use one of my SOCKS as a sleeping bag.

Park Ranger McConnell: No, I’m sorry, I — I can’t rest until I solve the mystery of Bigfoot.

Wife: Well… Good luck!

Park Ranger McConnell: Well, thank you. And say goodbye to your husband for me.

Wife: Well…

Park Ranger McConnell: [ glancing out the window ] HEY!! THERE HE IS!! IT’S BIGFOOT!! He’s around the wood pile! [ he busts through the window with his shotgun, then fires ] Wait a minute… That was your husband!!

Wife: Oh, no! It must have been the long distance and the blizzard.

Park Ranger McConnell: Yes. The wilderness likes to play funny tricks on a man.

[ Husband re-enters the cabin, an arrow piercing his fur coat ]

Husband: You know… Now that you mention it, I did notice a lot of big footprints going to and from the wood pile. You know? [ he breathes heavily ] Boy, I’m really tired! I think I’m gonna take a little nap.

Park Ranger McConnell: You know… just a minute ago I looked out, and I thought you were Bigfoot!

Husband: [ he laughs ] You must have been FOOLED by the long distance and the blizzard.

Park Ranger McConnell: Yeah… I guess I was. You know, it gives me the CREEPS to think that Bigfoot creature is out there somewhere. Why… he could be anywhere. He could be around this cabin right now!

Husband: Well… he could be! He could be there!

[ Husband and Wife lea back and prop their giant feet up on the table ]

Park Ranger McConnell: I’ll tell you something: I guess we’ll never solve this mystery of… Bigfoot.

[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Can Nielsen Families Intermarry?” ]

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/21/78: State of the Union 1978

Amazon.com Widgets

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 9

State of the Union 1978

Reporter V/O…..Tom Davis
Tip O’Neil…..John Belushi
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Walter Mondale…..Bill Murray

Announcer: “Bruce Jenner Wins The Javelin Catch” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program:

[ dissolve to “State of the Union 1978” slide ]

Reporter V/O: This is Washington correspondent Barry Potter here at the Capitol. The House Doorkeeper is about to announce the President, as we go to the floor.

[ cut to footage of House Doorkeeper James Malloy taking the floor ]

House Doorkeeper: Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!

Reporter V/O: The President is entering the chamber. He’s smiling — obviously, very happy he’s still President. Congressmen from both sides of the aisle are standing and applauding, as is traditional for even the most disrespectful and incompetent of presidents. Mr. Carter has now reached the podium, and the Speaker will give a short announcement.

Tip O’Neil: Here he is, ladies and gentlemen! The President of the United States!

[ President Carter arrives, shakes hands and hands note sheets to both men ]

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you… Mr. Vice-President, Mr. Speaker… members of United States Congress, ladies and gentlemen. Two years ago today, we had the first caucus in Iowa; a year ago, I walked from here to the White House to take up duties as President of the United States. Since I hope to do the same in 1981, you can be sure that I’m gonna stand before you today and tell you the State of the Union is sound! [ everyone applauds ]

[ image: James Schlesinger, Secretary of Energy, with TAG: “Wearing New Shirt” ]

President Jimmy Carter: This year, our country will have the first $2 trillion economy in the history of the world. What do I mean by that? I mean, one-thousand million is a billion, and one-thousand billion is a trillion; Two trillion is two-thousand billion dollars, and I believe that’s a lot of money!

[ behind Carter, Tip O’Neil opens a can of beer and drinks, as Vice-President Walter Mondale yawns and falls sleep ]

President Jimmy Carter: This resource will provide a trade balance, and, in turn, balance it aganst the pressures of an ever-balancing domestic economy balance. WE hope to create groeth incentives and job-creating areas like… the manufacturing of disposable cigarette lighters.,, disposable razors, and cheap paperback romances.

[ cut to exterior of the Capitol as it snows, with SUPER: “12 inches” ]

[ cut to slow pan of footage of politicians watching Carter in the Capitol, with SUPER: “All thinking about snow tires” ]

President Jimmy Carter: We’re a great country, a STRONG country, a vital and dynamic country, and so we will remain. We’re a confident people! A hard-working people! A decent and compassionate people. And so we will remain.

[ cut to footage of Sen. Howard Baker, with SUPER: “Trying to look upset” ]

President Jimmy Carter: We’re a cold, hungry, and unemployed people. And so we will remain. Those of you who are unemployed MUST have jobs! Jobs are basic human needs!

[ cut to footage of Edmund Muskie, with SUPER: “Senator from Mars” ]

President Jimmy Carter: Therefore, you NEED jobs!

[ behind Carter, Tip O’Neil throws a paper airplane, as Walter Mondale shuffles a deck of cards ]

President Jimmy Carter: It is the intention of this administration to initiate dynamic programs for the young and disadvantaged. Specifically, a program of t-shirt distribution for the young and disadvantaged. [ he unfolds a t-shirt that reads “YOUNG AND DISADVANTAGED” and holds it over the podium ] Designed by my son Chip, these will help them help themselves become more visible. [ he folds the t-shirt back ] We come together tonight… we mourn the loss of a great man — Senator Hubert Humphrie. Who taught us that we’re a community and all our fates are linked. You the people, and I your President. How our futures intertwine. I’m sorry, but tht’s the way it is for a while. We have no choice but to act in that knowledge and spirit — together! And, as the Bible says: We CAN move mountains!

[ cut to footage of a black woman in the Capitol yawning ]

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you very much. I have nothing else to say, but “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/21/78: Family Feud

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 9

Family Feud

Richard Dawson…..Bill Murray
Joe Mel…..Steve Martin
Mrs. Mel…..Gilda Radner
Joe Mel, Jr…..John Belushi
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: It’s time for America’s most popular family game show – “Family Feud”! Now, here’s your host, former “Hogan’s Heroes” regular, Richard Dawson!

Richard Dawson: [ enters the game show set ] Hello, everyone. I hope you’re as excited as I’m pretending to be, because we’re ready to play “Family Feud”. Okay, is everyone ready? Let’s meet our first family – the Joe Mels, from El Camino del Ray Mar Vista, California, here they are! [ the Mels run onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Settle down, kids. Hello, Joe, why don’t you tell us what you do for a living?

Joe Mel: Hello, Richard, I’m the spokesman for the Romaine Lettuce Growers of California. You know, too many people use iceberg lettuce in their salad, and you’d be surprised just how exciting a salad can be with a little Romaine lettuce!

Richard Dawson: [ playing with his fingernails ] Well, so far, Joe, you’re about as exciting as one of your salads.. so let us move on.. [ approaches Mrs. Mel and kisses her ] What do you do?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I teach an assertiveness training class for women in El Camino del Ray Mar Vista. And I cook.

Richard Dawson: Oh? Well, what do you cook?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I cook salads and a lot of Romaine BLTs! We’d love to have you come for dinner!

Richard Dawson: Alright. Well, if I can’t make it, I’ll send myrabbit.

[ the Mels laugh ]

Joe Mel: You know, we have a rabbit?

Mrs. Mel: We do!

Richard Dawson: Alright.. now here’s the cute little son, Joe Mel. Jr. [ pinches Joe, Jr.’s cheek ] He’s a sharp little guy, and we’re expecting a lot out of you today, little fella!

Joe Mel, Jr.: Aw, can we cut the condescending crap, and play the game?

Richard Dawson: Whatever you say, Joe. [ slaps him in the face ] Okay.. let’s meet the opponents – the Beldar Conehead family! [ the Coneheads walk onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Hello, Beldar.

Beldar Conehead: Greetings.

Richard Dawson: Thank you. You’re a big fella. What do you do for a living?

Beldar Conehead: I am a driving instructor.

Richard Dawson: And, uh, where do you folks come from?

Beldar Conehead: [ looks at his family ] France! We come from France!

Richard Dawson: Okay. [ approaches Prymaat and kisses her ] Hello there, Mrs. Conehead. What’s your name, and what do you do besides keeping Beldar happy?

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat. I maintain our home base and enjoy preparing mass quantities of consumables for my family unit.

Richard Dawson: Well, good luck to you, Prymaat. [ notices Connie ] And this is your lovely daughter. I see where you get your good looks You’re French, so I’ll give you a French kiss, how’s that?

Connie Conehead: [ reaches in for Richard’s French kiss ] Oh baby, oh baby..!

Richard Dawson: Well, uh.. they start early in France, what theheck! What’s your name, dear? What do you do?

Connie Conehead: My name is Connie. I am 16 earth years old.

Richard Dawson: Alright, there’s our families, now let’s start the Feud! Joe and Beldar, come on, let’s go! [ Joe walks up to the main podium, but Beldar walks in too far ] Okay, Doctor.. we’re gonna need a little more room, big fella.. [ guides him to his side of the podium ] There you go, stand behind this line.. Now, here’s the Toss-Up question, which we asked 100 people in our studio audience. Try to give the answer they gave the most. Alright? Name something people like to bite.

Beldar Conehead: [ beating Joe to the buzzer ] Protoid Capsules!

Richard Dawson: Protoid Capsules? Alright, that’s an interesting answer. I never would have said that. You said that, Big Guy. So, show me “Protoid Capsules”! [ the Coneheads receive a Strike, and sound their dismay ] Tough luck there, fella. [ looks at Beldar’s cone head ] That’s a very interesting head you have there. What do I do, break it open and let all the presents fall out? Ha ha! [ Beldar looks confused ] Alright, Mel Family! You might be able to steal this one if you tell me something people like to bite.

Joe Mel: [ thinking ] Uh.. Romaine Lettuce!

Richard Dawson: Okay. Show me “Romaine Lettuce”! [ “ROMAINE LETTUCE: 1” appears on the game board ] Alright! One person said “Romaine Lettuce”. You’re on the board, Mel Family! Are you gonna pass or play?

[ the family considers ]

Joe Mel: Uh.. I can only think of Romaine Lettuce. We’re gonna pass.

Richard Dawson: Alright. [ returns to the Coneheads ] Prymaat, what else do you think our survey showed that people like to bite?

Prymaat Conehead: Organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains.

Richard Dawson: [ nonplussed ] It’s a long walk back to France if you don’t get this one right, Prymaat. Alright.. show me “organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains!” [ “SANDWICH: 12” appears on the game board ] Sandwich! Alright! That’s acceptable! Twelve people said Sandwich. Alright, Connie, something that people like to bite.

Connie Conehead: Mmm.. The Big One!

Richard Dawson: Bite the Big One? Alright, does our audience bite the big one? Well, we all want to know that one. Show me “The Big One!” [ “The Big One: 46” appears on the game board ] Alright, you’re really rolling now, Coneheads! Now, it’s up to you, Beldar. What else do people like to bite?

Beldar Conehead: A trapeze!

Richard Dawson: [ bewildered ] Just out of curiosity, Beldar.. are you people circus folks?

Beldar Conehead: [ turns to his family and repeats Richard Dawson’s question in their native language ]

[ the Coneheads laugh at Richard Dawson’s question ]

Richard Dawson: Well, I had to ask. Alright.. show me “Trapeze!” [ the Coneheads receive a Strike and sound their dismay ] Alright. Mel Family! [ walks across game show set ] You’ve got a chance to steal the points and win the game. What’s it going to be?

[ the family starts arguing over their answer ]

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Dad, will you just listen to me for once in your life? I’m telling you it’s Chicken Neck!

Joe Mel: Will you shut up and let me decide?! [ to Richard ] We’ll go with Chicken Neck.

Richard Dawson: Gonna take the advice of Joe, Jr. If you’re wrong, the Coneheads will win.

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Chicken Neck!

Richard Dawson: Show me “Chicken Neck!”

[ the Mels get a Strike ]

Mrs. Mel: [ to Joe, Jr. ] You stupid moron! We’re sending you to military school!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I wanna go, I wanna go!

Joe Mel: You don’t deserve my name!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I don’t want it, I don’t want it!

Richard Dawson: Well, what a happy, happy bunch of Coneheads! [ the Coneheads press their cones together ] Well, we’re awfully sorry, Mel Family, but I guess you lost..

Joe Mel: Well, we knew they’d win when we saw the size of their heads.

Richard Dawson: Well, I’m sure that was said in the best spirit of the game, huh?

Joe Mel: No, it wasn’t!

Richard Dawson: Well, nobody cares, because you’re losers, what do you think about that? Alright! Beldar Conehead Family, you now have a chance to play for Fast Money! Who’s gonna play for it?

Beldar Conehead: I, Beldar, will attempt to obtain Fast Money.

Richard Dawson: Alright, Beldar, let’s make some Fast Money! Come on down here! [ Beldar walks to the center of the stage ] Alright, Beldar, I’m gonna ask you five questions at $100 a piece. I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head.. which will probably be a low-flying plane.

Beldar Conehead: Proceed, human, proceed!

Richard Dawson: [ confused ] Is that like “Go, man, go”? [ the countdown clock starts ticking ] Alright.. name a famous explorer.

Beldar Conehead: Vypron the Insistent. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: The biggest holiday of the year.

Beldar Conehead: The Moons of Mypzor! [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: A place you keep your valuables.

Beldar Conehead: In a muldra iron field.

Richard Dawson: A mode of transportation.

Beldar Conehead: A phone shoe. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Something you eat with eggs.

Beldar Conehead: Fiberglass. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Alright, fella, you were on quite a roll there. No points, no money. Don’t feel bad about it, though, you’ll be back tomorrow and have another chance at Fast Money. Until then, everybody, remember old people are our greatest national resources. So check in one today and push them around the block. So long, everybody! [ starts jumping with the Coneheads ]

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/21/78: Steve Martin’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 9

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..John Belushi

Steve Martin: He-ey![ singing ] “I’ve got music.. I’ve got rhy-hythmmm!”

Okay, welcome to “Saturday Night”, with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, and, uh.. The Dirt Band. There was a big snowstorm in New York yesterday – we did not get ot rehearse at all, so.. that’s never stopped us before! And, uh, I’m excited – we have Randy Newman on the show.. I met Randy Newman, and, you know he’s only about this big? [ holds his finger and thumb an inch apart ]

Anyway, um.. it’s great to- [ reaches into his left pants pocket ] Hey! Wait a minute! I had $50 in here! And it’s gone! Wait a minute.. I had- this is my New York money, and it’s- I had it back in the dressing room.. John Belushi was back there.. I went back to the- [ a look of shock ] John Belushi stole my $50! I had it right here! This is my mnoey for- I can’t believe this! That he would actually steal $50! Where is he! This bothers me! I’m sorry, this- [ John Belushi stesp on stage ] You! You.. you.. you stole my $50! No, this kind of bugs me! You were in my dressing room, I went to make-up, these pants were in there, and this was where my $50 was – so you stole it, I’m sorry! Now, get out of here! Go on! [ Belushi exits ] No, I’m sorry, that just bothers me! No, I mean that bothers me! I mean, I know I had the $50 in here, because I never put my money in this pock- [ reaches into right pants pocket, stops cold ] Okay.

I’m sorry.. I’m just in a bad mood tonight. It’s this whole publicity thing. You know, my life has changed so much, so fast, with this.. I mean, what happened to private lives? Don’t I get to have a private life any more? I mean, the things they’re writing about me now, I just- I read a thing in the National Enquirer this morning.. that I could not believe. I mean, so what if I have this thing on my wienie? [ tsks ]

[ picks up glass of water to drink, accidentally spilling some on the microphone ]

Oh! Oh no, I spilled water, oh boy! Okay, you know- [ grabs microphone, receiving a huge electric shock; he lets go, catches his breath, then touches the microphone again for another shock ]

You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. “Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?” First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, “Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, ‘You.. have never paid taxes’?” Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!” How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don’t say “I forgot”? Let’s say you’re on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, “I forgot armed robbery was illegal.” Let’s suppose he says back to you, “You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, ‘I forgot’?” Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!“

We’ll be right back, after these words!