Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 5

77e: Ray Charles

Brother Ray Meets Mr. Mike

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Ray Charles
Mr. Mike … Michael O’Donoghue
… and the entire cast

[Home Base. The entire cast stands around the grandpiano as Ray Charles sits at the keyboard and plays.The female cast members sing Charles’ hit version of”I Can’t Stop Loving You” … like whitebreadRaylettes.]

Jane, Laraine & Gilda: [singing] I can’tstop loving you

John Belushi: [slips on sunglasses, imitatesCharles, sings]
It’s useless to say
[Applause but then Belushi sings the wrong line:]
To live in memory … of a lonesome time
[Belushi and Charles crack up at the error]
Sing the song…

Jane, Laraine & Gilda: [singing] I can’tstop wanting you

Ray Charles: [also sings the wrong line, toapplause and much amusement from the cast]
I’ve made up my mind
So I’ll just live my life
In dreams of yesterday

[The song ends. Applause.]

John Belushi: You picked up on it.

Ray Charles: Yeah, I picked up on it.

John Belushi: He picked up on it.

Ray Charles: I – I take it it’s music youlike…

[The evil Mr. Mike — a thin, bearded man in dark suitand glasses — quietly approaches the group.]

John Belushi: But, you know, you sound like RayCharles but I look like him, you know.

Ray Charles: Mm hmm. I see.

John Belushi: You know “I Don’t Need NoDoctor”?

Mr. Mike: Hi, kids.

Laraine & Gilda: Oh, hi, Mr. Mike!

John Belushi: Hi, Mr. Mike!

Mr. Mike: Hey, I don’t mean to break up the funhere but we have a little surprise for Ray.

All: Ooooh! A surprise! Okay, surprise.

[The cast steps away from the piano. Mr. Mike standsnext to a painting covered with a red velvet coveringand addresses the audience.]

Mr. Mike: You know, we’ve kidded Ray a lottonight but blindness is nothing to kid about. So, weat Saturday Night, with the network, set up sort of amatching fund and we were able to purchase this lovelypainting in appreciation of Ray Charles and thecourageous example he sets for all of us — besidesbeing one heck of a good sport. And, so, in Ray’sname, we’re donating this painting to the Lighthouseof the Blind, in the hope that someday all will beable to see it. Let me just, uh, pull the string hereand give you to look at what I’m talking about.[removes the covering to reveal a frame without apainting, just big red block letters that read: PLEASEDON’T TELL HIM!] It was painted in 1909 by the FrenchImpressionist Claude Monet and it’s entitled, as youmay have already guessed, “The Old Windmill.” Uh,there’s that shimmering iridescence, the, uh, subtleinterplay between light and shadow that Monet wasfamous for. Hard to describe really, you sort of haveto see it. [approaches piano] Ray, I’m sure there’ssomething you want to say.

Ray Charles: Well, I would like to say that -that – that out of all the awards that I’ve received,I – I – I gotta tell ya, this one, without doubt,makes me the happiest, so let me thank you, Mr. Mike,and I also would like to thank all the wonderfulpeople on Saturday Night Live who’ve made this week somuch fun. Thank you.

Mr. Mike: Hey. Well said. [pats Charles on theshoulder]

Ray Charles: All right. [applause, the castgathers around the piano again]

Mr. Mike: Listen, Ray, I’m sorry. I gotta run.I’ll see ya later at the party, pal.

Ray Charles: Okay. See ya, Mr. Mike.

All: Bye, Mr. Mike. Bye bye.

[Mr. Mike exits. Charles lowers his voiceconspiratorially.]

Ray Charles: Now, what Mr. Mike doesn’t know… is, at the party, are going to be ten or twelve ofthe biggest black dudes he’s ever seen in his life.And they’re gonna whoop him upside his head and breakevery bone in his body. So please don’t tell him!We’ll be right back, right after this next filmedmessage.

[Much applause and laughter from both cast andaudience.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 5

77e: Ray Charles

Next Week

…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: How are you? Uh — I may or may not be Buck Henry, but I am hosting next week’s show, with Leon Redone as my guest and the five — count ’em, FIVE — finalists in the Anyone Can Host Saturday Night Show contest! We’ve read 150,000 postcards from you, and, believe me… America’s in a lot of trouble.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 5

77e: Ray Charles

Evelyn Woodski Slow Reading Course

Announcer … Dan Aykroyd
Man … Garrett Morris
Woman … Jane Curtin
Surgeon … Bill Murray
… Ray Charles

Announcer V/O: [The following words rapidlyappear on a blue screen as they are read by thefast-talking announcer:] This is the way you weretaught to read, averaging hundreds or thousands ofwords per minute. [The words disappear and thefollowing words gradually appear as they are read bythe same announcer, very slowly:] This is … the way… you could … be reading … with the … EVELYNWOODSKI … slow … reading … course.

[Dissolve to a pipe-smoking man at a desk.]

Man: Sure, I was skeptical. I think everybodyis. But, believe me, I can now read ten, maybe twelvetimes slower than before.

[Cut to a woman in an easy chair as she reads a book,running her index finger slowly along the text.Suddenly, she bursts out laughing.]

Woman: [serious, to the camera] I used to be aheavy speed reader and I never laughed when I readMark Twain. But, now that I take my time, I find himvery funny. Did you know that reading all the words ina story can help you understand the humor?

[Cut to a surgeon in full surgical garb, includingmask and rubber gloves.]

Surgeon: I’m a brain surgeon and, uh, I used tojust fly through these technical medical journals, youknow? And I found I was makin’ a lot of mistakes inthe operating room. And now, with the Evelyn Woodskislow reading course, I catch more o’ the importantprocedural stuff, you know? And I find I’m a bettersurgeon for it.

[Dissolve back to the blue screen.]

Announcer V/O: Yes, Evelyn Woodski can help youenjoy reading again. [suddenly loud, rapid]Whyreadlikethis?! [Text appears quickly on screen:”Why should you have to read like this?” – thendisappears; the following words gradually appear asthey are read by the same announcer, very slowly:]When … you … can … read … like this?

[Dissolve to Ray Charles, seated in easy chair,reading a book in Braille.]

Ray Charles: And there’s … Evelyn …Woodski’s … slow … reading …. course … forBraille. I used to … get … blisters … on my …fingers. [laughter and applause] Now … I just …sit … back and enjoy.

[Dissolve to graphic of a shelf of books withsuperimposed text reading: EVELYN WOODSKI SLOW READINGCOURSE 555-2972]

Announcer V/O: Evelyn Woodski slow readingcourse! Call 555-2972! Call now on this toll freenumber for your first … free … lesson.

[Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:









Bit Players:


November 19th, 1977

Buck Henry

Leon Redbone

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Deb Blair

Connie Crawford

Richard Kneip

David Lewis

Miskel Spillman

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Michael O’Donoghue

Jim Downey
The “Anyone Can Host” Contest FinalistsSummary: .

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: .

First Hosted: 75j.

Transcript

Little Chocolate DonutsSummary: John Belushi promotes the sugary breakfast treat that has brought him success on the ahletic field.

Transcript

Samurai PsychiatristSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

Stunt BabySummary: .

Recurring Characters: Brian Welles, Howard, Gwen, Tommy.

Transcript

A.M.O.A. Sanitized MotelSummary: .

Transcript

Leon Redbone performs “Champagne Charlie”First Performed: 75o.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Reunion in KievSummary: .

Transcript

Mr. Mike’s Rickey Rat ClubSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken and Tom Davis recall a recent dinner party hosted by their friend Jackie Onassis (Gilda Radner), which culminated in her saving Tom’s life when he choked.

Recurring Characters: Jackie Onassis.

Transcript

The Finalists in Buck’s SuiteSummary: In a short film by Gary Weis, the Anyone Can Host Finalists try to earn Buck Henry’s infleuence by kissing up to him privately.

Transcript

Leon Redbone performs “Please Don’t Talk About Me When I’m Gone”

Schiller’s ReelSummary: “Life After Death”

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Little Chocolate Donuts

Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis

Announcer…..Marv Albert
…..John Belushi
Other Runners…..Tom Davis, Neil Levy

[ open on John Belushi, Decathalon Champion, preparing to do the Olympic high jump on a sports field ]

Announcer: John Belushi is on his way to a gold medal in the Decathlon! They’re setting the bar at seven feet – here’s his approach.

[ John Belushi runs toward the bar. Quick cut to John jumping over the top of the bar. Quick cut to John landing on the grass. ]

Announcer: He got it! Belushi’s won the gold, now he’s going for the world’s record!

[ cut to John Belushi running a long-distance sprint against other runners; he wins the race, and his fans crowd around him ]

[ cut to John seated like Bruce Jenner at his breakfast nook ]

John Belushi: [ as he holds a lit cigarette ] I logged a lot of miles training for that day. And I downed a lot of doughnuts. Little Chocolate Donuts. They taste good, and they’ve got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That’s why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

[ cut to John Belushi going for the gold in the pole vault ]

Announcer: Little Chocolate Donuts. The donuts of champions.

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on applauding woman with SUPER: “One Jump Behind Us” ]

[ after repeat on 04/08/78, dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Peaking” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

The Anyone Can Host Contest Finalists

…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris
NBC Page…..Neil Levy
…..Dave Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Connie Crawford
…..Gov. Dick Kneip
…..Miskel Spillman
…..Buck Henry

[Network Card: “The Waltons Eat Their Young”]

Don Pardo: “The Waltons Eat Their Young” will not be seen tonight so that NBC may present the following special program.

[Cast ‘locker room,’ GARRETT and GILDA talk]

Gilda Radner: Garrett?

Garrett Morris: Huh?

Gilda Radner: Have you met- um- the five finalists of the ‘Anyone Can Host’ contest yet?

Garrett Morris: No, have you?

Gilda Radner: No, I didn’t, but I can’t wait to. You know, out of 150,000 entries, the five finalists, they actually represent a cross-section of America.

Garrett Morris: Oh, really?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, like there’s, um, there’s a co-ed from Vassar, and there’s a mother of three from Peoria, Illinois, and uh, there’s this unemployed guy from Oregon, and um… oh, and there’s, um, an 80-year old grandmother from New Orleans, and the Governor of South Dakota.

Garrett Morris: Say, uh, the co-ed from Vassar… is she black?

Gilda Radner: Uh, no, Garrett, none of the finalists are black.

Garrett Morris: I knew it. Great cross-section, GREAT cross-section.

Gilda Radner: Oh, well, Garrett… the sixth runner-up was mulatto.

Garrett Morris: Ohhh…

[They wrestle playfully; NBC PAGE enters with finalists.]

NBC Page: Uh, excuse me, Garrett, Gilda? These are the five runners-up… these are actually the five ‘Anyone Can Host’ finalists.

[Hellos all around]

NBC Page: Everybody? Everybody? This is your locker, and uh, if you need anything, need some change for the vending machines downstairs, don’t hesitate to call, OK?

[NBC PAGE leaves. greetings and handshakes all around]

Gilda Radner: Uh, which one of you is which?

Dave Lewis: I’m Dave, the unemployed guy from Oregon.

Gilda Radner: Hi.

Deb Blair: I’m Deb Blair, mother of three from Peoria.

Connie Crawford: I’m Connie, the Vassar co-ed.

Gov. Dick Kneip: I’m Dick, Governor of South Dakota.

Miskel Spillman: I’m Miskel Spillman; I’m old.

[Audience loves this]

BUCK HENRY enters.

Garrett Morris: Hey, Buck! C’mon, Buck. Come on in here!

Gilda Radner: Oh, Hi, Buck. Everyone, this is Buck Henry, he’s hosting the show this week.

[BUCK shakes hands with finalists]

Garrett Morris: All right, my man!

Buck Henry: Now, let me see. Uhhh… you must be the Vassar co-ed.

Connie Crawford: Yeah.

Buck Henry: Terrific. And, uh, let’s see, you’re the mother of three from Peoria.

Deb Blair: You bet.

Buck Henry: I guess you’re Mrs. Spillman, ’cause you’re old, huh?

Miskel Spillman: That’s right.

Buck Henry: OK… [to DICK] And I guess that means you must be the unemployed kid from, uh, from Oregon?

Gov. Dick Kneip: No, I’m the Governor of South Dakota.

Buck Henry: Ah, well, sometimes it’s hard to tell. [To DAVE] So YOU’RE the unemployed kid from Oregon!

Dave Lewis: Right on!

Buck Henry: How are you, pal?

Dave Lewis: All right.

Buck Henry: Now, listen! Are you people all set for the show?

All Finalists: No.

Buck Henry: Well, if you don’t know what to do, you just follow me. Because, uh, this is my fifth time here as host, and I’ll, I’ll try and, you know, set everything up so it’ll be easy for you. Have you, uh, seen a script yet?

All Finalists: No.

Connie Crawford: We’ve only been given one line.

Buck Henry: Well, can I hear it?

All Finalists: “Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis
Jackie Onassis…..Gilda Radner
…..Tom Schiller
…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller

[ open on animated title sequence ]

Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Home Base, as Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]

Together: Thank you!!

Tom Davis: Thank you very much! You know, ladies and gentlemen, the ratings experts have told us that most of our young viewers out there only know Al and I from this, the new “Franken & Davis Show”, but that they’re really unfamiliar with the rest of our long and distinguished careers in this nutty business.

Al Franken: Well, right you are, Tom! And we’ve brought some pictures to show you young people of our early career, so could we look at those, Davey? I think they’d get a kick out of —

[ dissolve to photo #1: Al and Tom on-camera with Ed Sullivan ]

Al Franken V/O: It all started with our television debut in 1957 on “The Ed Sullivan Show”.

[ cut to photo #2: Al (pantsless) and Tom (both wearing sombreros) ]

Tom Davis V/O: That, of course, led to our own show: “The Lockheed Comedy Hour”.

[ cut to photo #3: Life Magazine’s “F&D Mania” cover story ]

Al Franken V/O: Now, by this time, the whole country was infected with Franken & Davis Mania, and every kid in America wanted curly hair and glasses.

[ cut to photo #3: title card for “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis” ]

Tom Davis V/O: Our next show, of course, the Norman Lear sitcom “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis”. It ran for only half a season because of its controversial nature.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: As you may remember, it was forced off the air by pressure from several Jewish organizations. Uh — soon after, Tom and I, uh — well, we broke up, we had some, uh, well-publicized financial disputes. Let’s not belabor them.

[ cut to photo #4: National Enquirer headline: “WE HATE EACH OTHER” ]

Al Franken V/O: But, uh, we went our separate ways —

[ cut to photo #5: poster: “The Concert For Bangladesh” ]

Al Franken V/O: I organized the Bangladesh concert, as part of my “Feed the Children” program.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Tom Davis: I think a lot of that “Feed the Children” money is still in escrow. I think. Isn’t that right, Al?

Al Franken: [ meekly ] Right. We shouldn’t, uh, mention that…

Tom Davis: Yeah. [ he continues ] Well, then, of course, uh, I was in virtual seclusion, except for my annual Tom Davis Desert Classic —

[ cut to photo $6: Tom standing on a golf course ]

Tom Davis V/O: Here I am with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and boy what a game he had that day!

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: Boy, what a round. And, of course, as show biz legend has it, we were brought together by our… close and dear friend Jacqueline Onassis.

Tom Davis: That’s right! And, as a matter of fact, tonight that’s our special guest star on “The FRanken & Davis Show”! Won’t you give a warm welcome… to Jackie Onassis!

[ Onassis happily runs onto the stage, dressed in her outfit from the trip to Dallas fourteen years earlier ]

Tom Davis: Your sostuming and make-up are stunning, as usual, Jackie.

Jackie Onassis: Oh, thank you!

Al Franken: Jackie, as you know, uh — as you well know, I was a great admirer of your late husband.

Tom Davis: Well, I think we’re all great admirers of him.

Jackie Onassis: Well, uh — I think everyone remembers where he or she was when Aristotle Onassis died.

Al Franken: I know I do. Tom and I were at NBC Burbank, taping a Gold Diggers special, as a matter of fact.

Tom Davis: That’s — that’s right, Al. But, you know, if it wasn’t for this lady right here, I wouldn’t be here tonight. Because, about a year ago last Thanksgiving, I almost choked to death.

Al Franken: That’s right…

[ dissolve to the flashback, set inside Tom’s lavish Palm Springs apartment ]

Tom Davis V/O: You see, I had just invited a lot of show business and celebrity friends over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, and Jackie just happened to drop by. Fortunately, we had enough food. Fortunately… for me.

[ reveal Jackie at the table, yukking it up with Tom’s celebrity guests ]

Jackie Onassis: This part is really gonna kill ya’! So, the guy said —

Tom Davis: He said, “Wait a minute! Everyone, please hurry up and eat, because we’ve only got twenty minutes ’til kick-off, and I want to watch that game!”

Al Franken: Tom! Tom! You interrupted Jackie’s joke about the 500-pound gorilla!

Tom Davis: I’m sorry, Jackie — go ahead.

Jackie Onassis: That’s alright! [ she continues ] So, the guy says: “Anywhere he wants!”

[ the crowd roars with laughter, as Tom suddenly rises and begins to grab at his neck ]

Jackie Onassis: [ pointing ] Oh! Look at the funny faces Tom’s making!

[ everyone laughs at Tom, as he attempts to indicate to them that he’s choking ]

Al Franken: Wha — what are you doing, Tom? Charades? Charades!

[ everyone gets excited at the idea of playing along ]

[ Tom holds up one finger ]

Al Franken: First word! First word!

[ Tom holds up the turkey ]

Al Franken: Sounds like…

[ Tom points at his neck ]

Al Franken: Neck!

Jackie Onassis: Collar!

Al Franken: Throat! Uh — uh — choking!

[ Tom now encourages Al on ]

Al Franken: Sounds like “choking”!

Jackie Onassis: Uhhh — choking — smoking — OH! Tom’s choking! He’s choking!

[ everyone laughs at Tom ]

[ Tom pushes all the plates and utensils aside, clears a swatch of tablecloth and begins pouring gravy on it ]

Jackie Onassis: Wait a minute, what are —

Tom Schiller: Wait a minute! He’s writing something with the gravy!

Jackie Onassis: What is it?

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Oh! Chicken!

Jackie Onassis: Chicken?

Al Franken: What’s he saying? Chun King! You want Chinese food?

Woman: Tokyo?

[ Tom breakings down the two syllables with the gravy boat ]

All: CHO-KING! CHO-KING! CHO-KING!

Al Franken: Choking!

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Choking!

Al Franken: Choking!

Jackie Onassis: [ frightened ] OH, MY GOD!! TOM’S CHOKING!!

Al Franken: OH, NO!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHAT DO YOU DO?! WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?!

[ Tom grabs Al and demonstrates the Heimlich Maneuver; Al, of course, doesn’t get it ]

Al Franken: YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU? DANCE WITH YOU? NO?!

[ Tom shoves Al aside ]

Jackie Onassis: [ running forward ] OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!! I UNDERSTAND!! WAIT A MINUTE!! LIKE THIS!!

[ Jackie grabs Tom from behind and administers the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge chunk of food flies out of Tom’s mouth. Everyone “eughs”. ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Thanks a lot! Good night!

Al Franken: Good night! Good night, everybody!

[ pull out to wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Overcoming Your Fear of Widths” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry
…..Richard Kneip
…..Connie Crawford
…..David Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Miskel Spillman

Buck Henry: Uh, the date of the show that will be hosted by the one that you select, will be Decmber 17th. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] In this copy of TV Guide, the one that’s out this week, there is a ballot. [ he flips the magazine open ] Can you get a picture of that, David? Here it is.

[ cut to close-up of the ballot ]

Buck Henry: This actual ballot will allow you to put a name, a letter, or a bizarre description of the candidate YOU wish to host on December 17th. Now, maybe they’d like to have a couple of words to say in their own defense. Governor! Letter A!

Richard Kneip: Buck, I just have to tell my eight sons personally —

Buck Henry: NOT by name! No, we don’t have enough time.

Richard Kneip: — and my staff, who have worked so hard to get me on this show, that, hey! I don’t want to do it! So, all you people

Buck Henry: Yuo heard it! He wants your vote, ladies and gentlemen! That’s the Guv, Letter A! And now, the co-ed, Letter B!

Connie Crawford: Well, because of this contest, I’m failing all my classes, so… if I host, at least I’ll be able to pass Drama.

Buck Henry: Terrific! Okay —

Connie Crawford: [ she rubs Buck’s ear ] Remember me, Buck…

Buck Henry: [ tingling ] I sure will, Connie! That’s the co-ed, Letter B! Letter C, the unemployed kid from Oregon. What do you have to say, David?

David Lewis: Well, you know, I was just thinking: you know, chastity is a virtue that’s overlooked by a lot of us.

Buck Henry: I hardly know what to answer to that, and I don’t think I will. Get back in line!

David Lewis: C! You know, like “C” for Chastity!

Buck Henry: Get back in line! D! Mom, from Peoria!

Deb Blair: I want to say something to everybody out there that’s ever had a mother: In honor of your mom, vote for D!

Buck Henry: Most of you have mothers, you may know what she’s talking about. Come on, Grandma! Letter E! What do you have to say?

Miskel Spillman: I just want to say I’ve had the most wonderful time of my life!

Buck Henry: Ah!

Miskel Spillman: In my whole 80 years, I’ve had the most wonderful time!

Buck Henry: Well, it’s been a great 80 years for us! [ Mrs. Spillman kisses Buck on the cheek ] Okay, folks! Thank you very much for coming! [ he looks past the contestants ] Cast? Come out! Thank you all very much, and good night!

[ dissolve to ANYONE CAN HOST slide ]

Announcer: Send your TV Guide ballot or postcard with your vote to:

ANYONE CAN HOST
Box 722
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019

All ballots must be postmarked before November 13th, and you may vote for only one contestant.

[ dissolve back to everyone waving at Home Base, as the credits begin to scroll ]

Announcer: Mr. Mike was Michael O’Donoghue. Next week, a “Saturday Night Live” repeat show, with host Lily Tomlin and musical guest James Taylor. We’ll be back, live, three weeks from tonight on December 10th, when our “Saturday Night” host will be Mary Kay Place with musical guest Willie Nelson, and Andy Kaufman. This is your old turkey, Don Pardo, inviting you to have a safe and sane Thanksgiving. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Dave Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Connie Crawford
…..Gov. Richard Kneip
…..Miskel Spillman
…..Buck Henry

BUCK and FINALISTS take center stage.

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. We will eschew the customary monologue because this is a very special show, as you already know. Out of 150,000 postcards sent in from all over the country, from every state in America, we have selected these five amazingly brave people standing behind me… to be the finalists in the ‘Anyone Can Host The Saturday Night Show’ contest. Now, we had of course to BURN two-thirds of the cards for obscenity and weirdness, and out of the others we’ve chosen these people, and we think that this is a good time for you to meet them. Because after all, one of these people, the one you pick, will host the Christmas show. That means you can use the ballot in TV Guide, or you can write us a letter or a postcard, defining exactly who you want to be the host on Christmas. So, let’s meet them all one at a time and get to know them. First of all, wearing the letter A, The Governor of South Dakota, Richard Kneip.

[Applause]

Yes, that’s right, a real live governor. Now, Governor, exactly what is it that makes you feel that you’re qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Gov. Dick Kneip: Well, Buck, you and others know, or think at least, that a fella by the name of Ford had a little trouble coming on this show, but I’ve got nine good reasons why I’d like to host the show. First of all, I’ve got 8 sons and a lovely wife, Nancy, I’ve got a good staff back home, they want me to do it, So I- y’know, I guess I think I could do it. A lot of people from, uh, South Dakota are known around the world. Uhhh…

Buck Henry: Could you name one or two of them?

Gov. Dick Kneip: Uhhh… my second cousin is the General Manager of the Los Angeles Rams; A good Democratic friend of mine that ran for Governor of South Dakota owns the, uh, Miami Dolphins… Uh…

Buck Henry: Okay! That’s two!

Gov. Dick Kneip: [beginning of line is off-mike and inaudible] -ran for president-

Buck Henry: Oh, there’s three-

Gov. Dick Kneip: -so this might be my claim to fame!

Buck Henry: OK, Governor, thank you very much. That’s Governor Kneip! Wearing the letter A!

[applause]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we’d like you to meet… Connie Crawford, wearing the letter B!

[applause]

Connie, come on down here. What, uh, what year are you in at, uh, Vassar, Connie?

Connie Crawford: I’m just a freshman.

Buck Henry: Just a freshman, and yet you had the nerve to come down here and expose yourself, so to speak, to this depraved audience. Exactly why do you think that you’re better qualified, or best qualified, to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Connie Crawford: I’ve been a groupie for two years!

Buck Henry: Of the show, or just of anyone in general?

Connie Crawford: [laughs] Ohhh, the show! This show, most definitely. I’m one of these nauseatingly enthusiastic-type people, you know, go for all the gusto you can get, that sort of thing… so, I’m in!

Buck Henry: Do you have any special talents?

Connie Crawford: Everything!

Buck Henry: Well, that is special! OK, Connie! Thanks a lot… that’s Connie Crawford!

[applause]

Connie Crawford, with the letter B! And now third, wearing the letter C, David Lewis, the dropout! The unemployed kid from Oregon! C’mon, David!

[applause]

Clearly, from the sound of the applause, there are a number of unemployed dropouts here… David… David, uh, what makes you think that, uh, this kind of job, hosting Saturday Night show [sic] is right for you?

Dave Lewis: Well, uh, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m unemployed, because I haven’t been unemployed for that long. You see, I- just until recently I worked as an interior decorator in a turkey farm. And, uh, I was grossly underpaid! and I wanted to ask for a raise, but you see the boss, he has this, uhhhhh… speech impediment. And, it’s kinda embarrassing to talk to him. But just this last week I… I- I couldn’t wait any longer. so I went into his office and I looked him straight in the eye and I said, “Look, you’re gonna give me a raise or I’m gonna host ‘Saturday Night!'” And he gets up from his desk, and I was scared, he looks at me and he goes:

[Dave then gobbles like a turkey. Seeing it is no funnier than reading it. Dave bombs.]

Buck Henry: OK, back to your position, letter C.

[applause]

Obviously we didn’t throw ALL of the weird letters away. That’s David Crawford, uh, David Lewis, wearing the letter C. And now, meet Deb Blair, the mom, from Peoria!

[applause]

Nice to see you, Deb! Now, what brings you all this way? What provoked you to write that card and tell us that you feel you are qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Deb Blair: Well, I have three sons back home in Peoria; Bill, Jody and Jonathon. And they only listen to people on TV. So I thought if I could host your show, maybe I could tell them something!

[hearty applause]

Buck Henry: That certainly makes a lot of sense. That’s Deb Blair, and she’s wearing the letter D! And now, ladies and gentlemen, last, certainly- CERTAINLY not least, wearing the letter E, remember the letter E, Mrs. Miskel Spillman, our grandma!

[applause]

Mrs. Spillman, have you ever been in New York before?

Miskel Spillman: No, I’ve never been in New York, I’ve never been in an airplane.

Buck Henry: Really? Well, this is New York, the airplane was the thing that brought you here. Um-

Miskel Spillman: I think it’s marvelous-

Buck Henry: You do?

Miskel Spillman: I think New York’s wonderful.

Buck Henry: Well, we think you’re terrific to come here. Now, how did you happen to write that- that strange postcard that led you to this place?

Miskel Spillman: Well, I love everyone in the cast. I watch it every Saturday night. And I thought, as I am 80 years old, I want a lot of old, old people all over the world to watch it, to get the thrill that I have every Saturday night watching it.

Buck Henry: OK, folks-

[enthusiastic applause]

-you’ve heard it, from Mrs. Spillman. She wants to thrill those 80-year-olds. So don’t forget- now you’re gonna see these people, you’re gonna see these folks throughout the show, in various places doing various bizarre things. Remember the letters: A is the gov! B is the co-ed! C is the unemployed kid! D is the mom! And E is granny! Please!

[Fade out]

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 8th, 1977

Madeline Kahn

Taj Mahal

Barry Humphries

Lorne Michaels

Andy Murphy

Jim Downey

Alan Zweibel

Tom Schiller

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Davis

Al Franken
The Trial Of Lee Harry OswaldSummary: ABC’s “the names have been changed to protect the innocent” version of the JFK assassination features Lee Harry Oswald (Bill Murray) being hit in the face with a pie.

Transcript

Montage

Madeline Kahn’s MonologueSummary: Madeline Kahn announces that the show will go on, despite the rainy weather, then comments on the uncertain nature of live television and life itself.

First Hosted: 75s.

Transcript

SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.

Transcript

Bad OperaSummary: An opera singer’s (Madeline Kahn) performance in “Die Goldenklang” is ruined by a case of larynx lock while performing the Golden Note.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Steve Bushakis, Ronnie Bateman.

Anyone Can Host ContestSummary: Lorne Michaels announces the “Anyone Can Host” contest for home viewers.

Transcript

Bianca Jagger and Three or Four of Her Close Personal FriendsSummary: A glimpse at the intimate yet mundane dinner conversations between Bianca Jagger (Madeline Kahn) and her close personal friends Truman Capote (John Belushi), Princess Grace (Jane Curtin), and Margaret Trudeau (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Truman Capote, Princess Grace.

Transcript

Taj Mahal performs “Queen Bee”

“The Acid Generation: Where Are They Now?”Summary: One decade later, the hippies from the 1960’s are elderly, retired, and nostalgic for the old days.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: NBC’s Dancing N hands a news bulletin to Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd dons a fake Russian accent to narrate supposed file footage of the 1957 Sputnik launch. Entertainment reporter Bill Murray reviews the new Donny & Marie show and expresses his concern for Marie’s sexy new image.

Silver Balls & Golden PinsSummary: As a preacher (Bill Murray) delivers his sermon, the female statuette (Madeline Kahn) atop a bowling trophy sings “Silver Balls & Golden Pins”.

Transcript

Reverse DiscriminationSummary: Vengeful Craig Baker (John Belushi) sues for reverse discrimination when a blind black man (Garrett Morris) is accepted to law school instead of him.

Transcript

“Autumn In New York”Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Madeline Kahn sings “Autumn in New York” while prancing through the city.

The Pink BoxSummary: Sally’s (Gilda Radner) new feminine hygeine product is personal and mysterious that neither she or Vickie (Laraine Newman) can figure out what it is or what it’s supposed to do.

Transcript

Hercules Movie DubSummary: Voice actor (Dan Aykroyd) handles all the voices while dubbing a Hercules film for English audiences.

Dame Edna EverageSummary: Madeline Kahn interviews British stage actress Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries) on a variety of odd topics.

Pocket PalSummary: Traveling businessman (Dan Aykroyd) carries the electronic device that can predict mid-air collisions within ten seconds of impact.

Transcript

Women’s SecretsSummary: A drunken Judith (Madeline Kahn) and Gail (Gilda Radner) divulge randy secrets while waiting a man to call Gail the day after their date.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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