Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


March 4th, 2012

Lindsay Lohan

Jack White

None

Jimmy Fallon

Jon Hamm

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Jorma Taccone

Fox ReportSummary: Creepy Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) wards off “Mother” while conducting separate interviews with Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) and his five sons.

Recurring Characters: Shepard Smith, Mitt Romney, Kid Rock.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Although the cast and crew purports to trust Lindsay Lohan after her recent troubles, they still double-check for possible infractions and have John Hamm on stand-by as a replacement host, just in case.

Transcript

The Real Housewives of DisneySummary: Disney princesses Rapunzel (Lindsay Lohan), Snow White (Vanessa Bayer), Belle (Abby Elliott), Jasmine (Nasim Pedrad), and Cinderella (Kristen Wiig) act like bitchy diva housewives on their new reality show.

Transcript

2012 Psychic AwardsSummary: Among the evening’s highlights: the Best Foreign Psychic nominees know the results before it’s announced, and a memorial reel of participants who will die in the coming year.

Transcript

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Lindsay Lohan try to scare a trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Jack White performs “Love Interruption”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Political correspondent James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on Rush Limbaugh’s most recent controversial comments, as well as other recent Republical gaffes. Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) comments on whether or not she’s pregnant, and reveals Jon Hamm as the father.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Snooki.

Deliquent Girl Teen GangSummary: After being released from jail, a group of teen girls carelessly dance around the street, except for Babette (Fred Armisen), who dances in the middle of the street and is repeatedly hit by passing cars.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Dee (Andy Samberg) and Paula (Kristen Wiig) sing about their united “Afro” in a video invitation to their upcoming wedding.

B108 FMSummary: Richard (Taran Killam), The Buffalo (Bobby Moynihan), and Illiterate Lisa (Lindsay Lohan) work the morning zoo format at five a.m.

ChantixSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) wants to quit smoking, but the side effects of Chantix are worse than her nicotine addiction.

Note: Repeat from 11k.

House SittingSummary: Chevelyn (Kristen Wiig) hires Megan (Lindsay Lohan) to housesit for her while she’s on vacation, but will she ever get out the door knowing that a supposed crazy stalker won’t stop dialing her phone?

VerizonSummary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: Repeat from 11n

Jack White performs “Sixteen Saltines”

Rude Buddha!Summary: Buddha (Andy Samberg) makes disparaging comments about his disciples behind their backs after dispensing his wisdom upon them.

Transcript

70’s AlbumSummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Transcript

70’s Album IISummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sneaking OutSummary: Teenagers (Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Bayer) keep trying to sneak out of their house without being caught by their parents (Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis).

RestaurantSummary: Diner (Lindsay Lohan) has trouble ordering fish at a restaurant.

Victoria’s SecretSummary: Sales clerk keeps trying to assist women who are shopping for lingerie.

Santorum/JFKSummary: The ghost of John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) keeps interrupting Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) as he delivers a speech.

Recurring Characters: Rick Santorum, John F. Kennedy.

Stephen HawkingSummary: Stephen Hawking (Fred Armisen) visits a nightclub.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

70’s Album

Guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on close-up of crackling fireplace, as soft 70’s-style music plays ]

[ dissolve to Guy sitting before the fire ]

Guy: Don’t you love the music from the 70’s? The kind of music with a soft, easy beat, that you could listen to over and over again? Wouldn’t it be ,i>great to get all those special songs on one amazing 8-disc set? [ he pokes at the fire with his ?? for a minute, then finally turns back around ] That’s be great, right? [ he returns his focus to the fire ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a weird guy by a fire.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

70’s Album II

Guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Guy sitting by the fire, as soft 70’s-style music plays ]

Guy: Oh, hey! I’m glad you’re back. Remember that thing I was saying about 70’s music, about putting it on a bunch of CDs? That gave me this great idea! What if you put all that music… [ suddenly, as he pokes at the fire, the flames erupt into a huge fireball ] Oooooooohhhh! [ he pulls his burnt hand back and curses ] OHHH!! GOD!! [ he sucks on his burnt hand ] I just put my hand in a freakin’ fire! [ he stands and walsk away from the fire ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been that same guy burning his hand.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Rude Buddha!

Buddha…..Andy Samberg
Scribe…..Fred Armisen
Karen…..Nasim Pedrad
First Disciple…..Bill Hader
Second Disciple…..Vanessa Bayer
Third Disciple…..Bobby Moynihan
Fourth Disciple…..Lindsay Lohan

Annuncer: [ over SCROLL ] “Over two-thousand years ago, a man known as Buddha attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a banyan tree. He became a teacher and spiritual guide. Yet for all his wisdom, the Buddha had another side, a side seen only by his closest disciples. These are the tales of… Rude Buddha.”

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”

[ dissolve to Buddha sitting peacefully on a rock, with Karen and a Scribe by his side ]

Buddha: Who seeks the consel of the Buddha?

First Disciple: Great Buddha… my mind is always racing. How can I find enlightenment, if I cannot find a moment’s peace?

Buddha: “A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it.”

First Disciple: So I should accept things as they are?

Buddha: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

First Disciple: Thank you, Buddha. [ he exits ]

Buddha: Annnnnd… that guy’s single steps should be off a CLIFF! ] his Scribe laughs ] “Um, Buddha, should I accept things as they are?” [ he laughs ] “Uh, no… you should accept that you’re never getting LAID!” [ he laughs ] Oh! Here comes another one. Be cool… be cool.

[ Second Disciple comes forward ]

Second Disciple: Buddha… my husband’s mother makes me so tense. I’m unable to live in the moment.

Buddha: “There is no one path to enlightenment; a jug fills drop by drop.”

Second Disciple: Thank you, Buddha! [ she exits ]

Buddha: Uh… yeah, speaking of jugs! [ he laughs ] Did you guys see the RACK on her! [ his Scribe laughs along] I think my little Buddha just obtained FULL conciousness! Yeah! Buddha like-a the boob-a! [ his Scribe laughs ] Yeah, this guy knows what I’m talking about! Oh, here comes another guy, I’m totally gonna mess with him!

[ Third Disciple comes forward ]

Third Disciple: Buddha, my work consumes me. Even when I am with my family, I think about my crops.

Buddha: “You take the good… you take the bad… you take them both… and then you have… The Facts of Life.”

Third Disciple: [ nodding ] The facts of life. [ he exits ]

Buddha: [ he laughs] I just completely ripped that! Uh, P.S.: Did you guys get a whiff of his breath? He could use an enlighten-mint! [ he laughs ] Did you write that down?

Scribe: Yeah, I got it. [ he laughs ]

Buddha: Man! These people are MORONS! Right, Karen? [ Karen remains mute ] Oh, yeah! She is… just… totally checked out! [ he looks up ] Oh! Hottie alert! Act wise!

[ Fourth Disciple comes forward ]

Fourth Disciple: Great Buddha… I feel that my meditation is not working. Is there any way you can help me reach nirvana?

Buddha: [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Yes, my child. I can show you then Zen way. Come back tonight, say… elevenish, and we will… “meditate”.

Fourth Disciple: And we will reach enlightenment together?

Buddha: Uh — well, I’m definitely gonna get there! [ he laughs ] You might have to work a little overtime!

Fourth Disciple: Thank you, Buddha… I guess. [ she exits ]

Buddha: Oh, I’ll show her the Zen way. First, I take her home; Zen, I take her clothes off. [ he laughs ] I hope she’s not Jewish, ’cause she’s as good as PORKED! [ he laughs ] Yeah! If my tree falls in her forest, you better believe the neighbors are gonna hear it! Right, Karen? [ he laughs ]

[ the last two disciples re-appear ]

Fourth Disciple: Buddha! We’ve been hearing everything you’ve been saying! How can you treat your disciples this way?!

Third Disciple: Yeah, what’s with you?!

Buddha: My apologies to both of you. Come closer. [ Third Disciple kneels before Buddha ] What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Third Disciple: I… I don’t know. What is the sound of one–?

[ Buddha bitch-slaps him across the face ]

[ cut to opening graphics ]

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

The Real Housewives of Disney

Belle…..Abby Elliott
Snow White…..Vanessa Bayer
Jasmine…..Nasim Pedrad
Rapunzel…..Lindsay Lohan
Cinderella…..Kristen Wiig
Prince Charming…..Taran Killam

Announcer: Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you love “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”… [ show clip ] and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”… [ show clip ] Well, this Spring the drama is getting EVEN MORE ANIMATED! It’s “The Real Housewives of Disney”.

[ show Belle ]

Belle: The Magic KIngdom is my playground — and I like to play!

[ show Snow White ]

Snow White: I’m the fairest of them all — until you cross me!

[ show Jasmine ]

Jasmine: I don’t need to rub a lamp… to get what I want!

[ show Rapunzel ]

Rapunzel: I’m out of the tower, and into the spotlight!

[ show Cinderella ]

Cinderella: And I’m a huge fucking mess!

[ cut to title card ]

[ open on the princesses greeting one another with kisses on the cheek ]

Announcer: It’s the princesses as you’ve NEVER seen them before!

Rapunzel: [ holding glass ] Thank you all for coming to my castlewarming party! You guys are like stepsisters to me — and not the evil kind.

[ Rapunzel giggles, but Cinderella gives her a dirty look ]

Cinderella: [ toasting her glass ] Ladies, um… I’m starting a charity to help raise money for dwarves… uh, because they need our help, because they’re not real people.

[ Snow White shakes her head ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: I cannot believe she did that! Dwarves are MY thing! And “They’re not people”?! She said that RIGHT in front of Doc!

[ at the party, camera pans down to Doc giving a grumpy face ]

[ cut to dinner table sequence ]

Belle: [ holding up earrings on seashells ] Look what I got for our trip under the sea! $25,000! Can you believe? But, hey – we can all afford it!

[ pan over to Jasmine, crying; she runs from the table ]

Rapunzel: Ugh! What is wrong with her?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Jasmine and Aladdin are BROKE! THey used up all their wishes. [ whispering ] I heard he spent the last one on a lap dance. [ she points to herself and mouthes “With me.” ]

[ Jasmine shuts the bathroom door so she can cry in private ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Rapunzel: Here’s the thing — Jasmine brought a casserole to our potluck… and I found a tiny hat inside. [ whispering ] She cooked the monkey!

[ cut to the princesses clinking their glasses ]

Announcer: It’s a whole new world — OF DRAMA!

[ cut to Jasmine crying as she explains things to Snow White ]

Jasmine: I had sex with Iago!

Snow White: The parrot?

Jasmine: I thought it wa Aladdin! He was mimicking his voice!

[ cut to Prince Charming entering the party ]

Announcer: And not all their princes are charming.

Prince Charming: Hi, ladies! Hi, Cin! [ he leans in for a kiss, then retracts ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Here’s some good advice: Never marry a guy who’s really into shoes.

[ return to the dinner table ]

Prince Charming: [ to Rapunzel ] Whoa! What are you wearing? [ he chuckles ]

Rapunzel: Excuse me?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: Rapunzel, Rapunzel… burn down that dress! [ he chuckles ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: Looks like my stepmother… isn’t the only evil queen in town! [ she holds up her hand, as seven tiny dwarf hands rise up to high-five her ]

[ cut to Belle putting a boombox on top of the fireplace ]

Belle: You guys! I’m releasing a HOT new track this week, and I want you to hear it first!

[ zoom in on Jasmine ]

Jasmine: Oh, goo-oo-ood… another one.

Belle: [ singing ]
“Be our guest! Be our guest!
Cavier, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Rolls Royce, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest…”

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: They should give the posion apple to whoever told that BITCH she could sing! [ he chuckles ]

Announcer: And, of course — there’s the fighting!

Belle: [ to Snow White ] Who does your hair? Birds?

Snow White: At least I didn’t marry a BEAST!

Belle: His name is Kelsey Grammer!

[ cut to Cinderella and Rapunzel having a tugf-of-war with Rapunzel’s hair ]

Cinderella: I’m gonna pull this big-ass weave off your head!

Rapunzel: Here comes MIDNIGHT… BITCH!! [ she coldcocks Cinderella ]

[ Snow White is stunned, but in awe ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “The Real Housewives of Disney”!

[ cut to Cinderella chugging alchohol and spilling it on her dress ]

Cinderella: [ laughing ] Whatever!

Announcer: Only on Bravo!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks to Jack White, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm, Lorne Michaels, everybody — the crew at SNL! Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg… Jimmy Fallon — just everyone who’s been here, thank you so much! Thank you. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Jon Hamm

Announcer Ladies and gentlemen — Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much! Thank you! I’m Lindsay Lohan, and I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I know, right? I feel lucky and grateful to be here tonight, and that’s why I really want to thank all of my friends at “SNL”, who trusted me enough to have me back. You know… this studio feels like a home to me —

[ she takes one step down from the stage, which sets off an alarm; she hops back up to the stage ]

Lindsay Lohan: Wait — so the alarm goes off if I leave the stage?! I thought it was only if I left the studio? I thought you guys trusted me!

[ Kenan Thompson enters, chuckling ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, how’s it going?

Lindsay Lohan: Hey, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! It’s so good to see you again. You know… I forgot how beautiful your eyes are.

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thanks, Kenan!

Kenan Thompson: Can I see them?

Lindsay Lohan: Uh… okay…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Can I see your eyes, please?

[ he holds a penlight to her eyes and examines her pupils ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, she’s good!

Lindsay Lohan: Kenan, I should be checking your eyes.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I’ll save you the trouble. I’ve been stoned since “Good Burger”!

[ Kenan steps away, as Kristen Wiig enters ]

Lindsay Lohan: Hi, Kristen!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Lindsay, you’re doing a GREAT job at hosting!

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thank you! You know, I do get the feeling that everybody thinks I’m gonna screw something up.

Kristen Wiig: No! No! Hey, look at me — everyone here believes in you! EVERYONE! They wouldn’t have you back, otherwise.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks, Kristen.

[ they hug, as the audience applauds wildly, and soon Kristen lowers her hands along Lohan and begins to frisk her ]

Lindsay Lohan: [ stunned ] Uh… Kristen, are you searching me?!

Kristen Wiig: No! No! I’m… I’m a lesbian now!

Lindsay Lohan: Been there, done that.

Kristen Wiig: She’s clean. She’s clean.

[ Kristen exits, as a hysterical, unbalanced woman in the audience shrieks, “WHOOO!! KRISTEN WIIG!!” ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know… maybe it was too soon to come back.

[ suddenly, Jimmy Fallon enters ]

Jimmy Fallon: What?! Wait, no, Lindsay — this is the RETURN of Lindsay Lohan! The NEW old Lindsay Lohan is BACK! [ he rouses the audience into a round of applause ]

Lindsay Lohan: Are you sure?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Listen to me — you’re the SAME little girl who stole our hearts in “The Parent Trap”! I mean, you’re the TEENAGER who dazzled us in “Mean Girls”! You’re the lady who absolutely BLEW us away in “The Help”!

Lindsay Lohan: I wasn’t… I wasn’t, uh… I wasn’t in “The Help”.

Jimmy Fallon: That wasn’t you?

Lindsay Lohan: No.

Jimmy Fallon: That should have been you.

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you!

Jimmy Fallon: Anyway, the point is: Everybody makes mistakes! But that doesn’t mean you can’t shake them off. I mean, you can DO this! And, if for any reason, you can’t… Jon Hamm’s on standby as back-up host.

[ reveal Jon Hamm seated in the audience ]

Jon Hamm: No… no… Lindsay… no, I’m sure you’re gonna be great, just GREAT!

[ Hamm indicates to Jimmy that he’s ready, as Jimmy returns the signal ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ to Lohan ] I think you can do it… I think you can do it.

Lindsay Lohan: Alright. We’ve got a great show. Jack White is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

2012 Psychic Awards

Dan Fernando…..Andy Samberg
The Lovely Lucy…..Lindsay Lohan
Paolo di Avolo…..Taran Killam
Sheldrake The Inpenetrable…..Fred Armisen
Ali Baboom…..Kenan Thompson
Ayergen Ghost…..Bill Hader
Ayergen Ghost’s Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
Mysterio…..Jay Pharoah
The Beautiful Angela…..Kristen Wiig
Lead Magician…..Jason Sudeikis
The Delightful Donna…..Abby Elliott
Terrific Vince…..Bobby Moynihan
The Stunning Amanda…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on stock footage of Las Vegas at night, with graphics ]

Female Announcer: We now return to the “2012 Psychic Awards”, live from Las Vegas, Nevada.

Male Announcer: Now… welcome back to the stage, your hosts for the evening — winner of 2002’s Best Psychic, Cruise Ship or Resort: Dan Fernando And… 2007’s Best Female Assistant: The Lovely Lucy!

[ the two co-hosts walk onstage, as the crowd applauds wildly ]

Dan Fernando: I hope everyone is having a great time tonight. Wait! [ he holds his finger to his head ] I KNOW everyone is having a great time tonight! [ he chuckles smugly ] THE POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground ]

The Lovely Lisa: And now — the award for Best Foreign Psychic.

Dan Fernando: The nominees are: Paolo di Avolo.

[ in the audience, Paolo di Avolo holds his finger to his head and shrugs frustratedly ]

The Lovely Lisa: Sheldrake The Inpenetrable.

[ in the audience, Sheldrake The Inpenetrable holds his finger to his head and shakes it dejectedly ]

Dan Fernando: Ali Baboom.

[ in the audience, Ali Baboom holds his finger to his turban and frowns ]

The Lovely Lisa: And… Ayergen Ghost.

[ in the audience, Ayergen Ghost holds his finger to his head before clenching his fist triumphantly and jumping out of his seat ]

[ cut to AS and Lisa, with the four nominees in squares surrounding them ]

Dan Fernando: And the Psychie goes to… Ayergen Ghost!

[ Ayergen Ghost appears suddenly on stage ]

Ayergen Ghost: Alright! Alright! Thank you! This comes as no surprise to me. There’s someone here very important I want to thank — [ he holds his finger to his head ] You know who you are.

[ in the audience, his wife holds her finger to her head, then smiles affectionately ]

Ayergen Ghost: Her grandmother wants to channel her spirits into my body… [ he sucks in his breath and lets the trance take over ] Walter…? Walter, is that you? [ he smiles ] I’m kidding, I’m kidding! You CAN’T do that! You can’t! Alright, thank you!

[ Ayergen Ghost takes his award and clumsily looks for a way to exit the stage ]

Dan Fernando: You’d think he’d know what way to go! [ he laughs smugly, then clears his throat ] It’s been a great year for psychics, but next year is going to be even better. I…. [ he holds his finger to his head ] KNOW it! POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground ]

The Lovely Lisa: But, while we celebrate triumph tonight, we also mourn loss. So please join us now, as we pay tribute to the psychics and magicians we’re going to lose in the coming year.

[ soft music plays, as we dissolve to stock footage: ]

[ 1. MYSTERIO holds up the Ace of Hearts, with SUPER: “Hit and Run Accident” ]

[ in the audience, Mysterio is stunned by this information ]

[ 2. THE BEAUTIFUL ANGELA with her head sticking out of box, with SUPER: “Sawed in Half” (by her lead magician) ]

[ in the audience, Angela gives her lead magician a sour look as he purses his lips innocently ]

[ 3. THE DELIGHTFUL DONNA performs trick with pigeon, with SUPER: “Bird Flu” as she kisses the pigeon on the beak ]

[ in the audience, Donna stares agape at the pigeon sitting on her shoulder ]

[ 4. TERRIFIC VINCE performs a ring trick, with SUPER: “Diabetes” ]

[ in the audience, Vince digests this information, then happily downs a box of Sno-Caps in light of the inevitable ]

[ 5. THE STUNNING AMANDA performs a straitjacket escape, with SUPER: “Hit BY Blimp” ]

[ in the audience, Amanda begins to weep ]

[ 6. RUFUS THE PSYCHIC DOG stands on hind legs, with SUPER: “Cats” ]

[ in the audience, wags his tongue and looks away ]

[ 7. 2012 PSYCHIC AWARD SHOW ATTENDEES watch the broadcast, with SUPER: “The Psychic Award Fire of 2012” ]

[ return to Dan Fernando and Lisa, as the crowd grows restless with fear and anxiety ]

Dan Fernando: Wha… remain calm! You can’t change the future, you can only PREDICT it! POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground, igniting the fire ] Oh, no!! I just lit the curtain on fire!! It’s happening!! By mine own hands!!

[ audience members scream, as the screen cuts to Las Vegas at night ]

Female Announcer: Stay tuned for more of the “2012 Psychic Awards”, after this short film.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Fox Report

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Ann Romney…..Kristen Wiig
Taggert Romney…..Taran Killam
Tanner Romney…..Seth Meyers
Tiggett Romney…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Targalack Romney…..Fred Armisen
Tic Tac Romney…..Bobby Moynihan
Kid Rock…..Andy Samberg

[ open on show graphics ]

[ dissolve to Shepard Smith ]

Shepard Smith: Welcome to “Fox Report”. I’m Shepard Smith, and I’m a shy little possum! Things are heating up for the GOP. The Michigan, Arizona primaries were this week, and we’re only days away from Super Tuesday. Joining me now are the big winners from last week — please welcome Mitt and Ann Romney.

[ the Romneys appear from their living room ]

Mitt Romney: Hello there, Shepard!

Ann Romney: Thanks for having us!

Shepard Smith: How do you feel about the Michigan win?

Mitt Romney: Uh, well — we feel GREAT! Michigan was just another ase of voters taking a look at Mitt Romney and saying, Ehhhh… I guess.”

Shepard Smith: Despite your success, you keep making gaffes that paint you as a wealthy businessman who’s out of touch with the middle class voters.

Mitt Romney: Uh, I’m not focusing on that, Shepard! I’m focusing on the VICTORIES! And, as we say in the Romney house: “I’m happier than a poor man eating a can of beans from a dumpster! Yum yum yum yum yum!”

Shepard Smith: [ excited ] Wowwwww! Your shoes must be made out of chocolate, because you keep putting your FOOT in your mouth!

Mitt Romney: Oh, no. My shoes aren’t made of chocolate, Shepard. No, no, they’re made of a fine Italian leather, and, uh, they are $1,200 a piece. Yeah — they cost more than most Americans make in a month! Uh-oh! I’m doing it again! [ he chuckles heartily ]

Shepard Smith: Ann Romney, many are saying that you’re the irresistable spark plug in this campaign.

Ann Romney: [ happily ] I am!

Shepard Smith: You keep the energy up.

Ann Romney: I do!

Shepard Smith: Any funny stories about Mitt on the campaign trail?

Ann Romney: [ laughing to herself ] No.

Shepard Smith: THank you, Ann and Mitt Romney. Okay, uh — [ he looks off-stage ] What’s that, Mother? [ reveal stuffed “Mother” skeleton from “Psycho” ] I know we’ve got more guests, Mother. Mother… don’t give me that look. I ate all of my lima beans! [ he looks at the camera and crosses his fingers ] Fib! The Romney campaign has been a family campaign, and joining us now is a reminder of his human side — the Romneys’ adult sons.

[ reveal a quintet of younger Mitt Romney look-a-likes ]

Romney Sons: [ robotic ] Hel-lo, Shep-hard!

Shepard Smith: [ smiling ] I like creepy things, and I looooove these guys. I could book you a three-night stay in my nightmares! You look like one of those living paintings at Hogwart’s! Tell us a little bit about yourselves.

Taggert Romney: Well… I’m Taggert, I’m the logical one.

Tanner Romney: I’m Tanner, I’m the practical one.

Tiggett Romney: I’m Tiggett, I’m the sensible one.

Targalock Romney: I’m Targalack, I’m the reasonable one.

Tic Tac Romney: And I’m Tic Tac, I’m the rebel — [whispering ] ‘Cause I eat sugar…

Shepard Smith: I love sugar! I keep a handful of sweets in my pockets! [ he glances off-screen ] What’s that, Mother? I know it rots my teeth! That’s why I always brush before bedtime. [ he looks at the camera and winks ] Wink! So, Mitt Romney’s five adult sons: Why should people get excited — not terrified — about your presence on the campaign trail?

Taggert Romney: Well… we connect with the younger voter. Our average age is 36, while our median age is 35. And we like the same things as young people, such as sport… cinema… and doo-wop! See?

All: We’re just like YOU, America!! [ they point robotically at the camera ]

Shepard Smith: Alright! My thanks to Stephen King, for creating those boys! Our next guest needs no introduction, but he does need a bath, because he’s a FILTHY little skunk! Please welcome Mitt Romney supporter… Kid Rock.

[ Kid Rock appears via remote ]

Kid Rock: Yea-ahhhh!!

Shepard Smith: Kid Rock, people think you’re a strange choice to be the voice of the Romney campaign. Why endorse Mitt Romney?

Kid Rock: Well, Mitt and I actually have a lot in common! We’re both from Detriot, we both got Hep-C, and we both got a license to rock!

Shepard Smith: Mitt, is this true?

Mitt Romney: Oh, I’m — I’m hep to the “C”, alright! I assume “C” stands for “calcium” — mmm, milk! And, uh, as for a license to rock, well, I am a dealer in rocks and precious minerals, so, in a sense — yes! Let us rock! [ he holds up a Satanic hand gesture, as Ann lowers his hand ]

Shepard Smith: Kid Rock, you’ve written a new song for Mitt’s campaign?

Kid Rock: That’s right. It’s called “Mitt Romney — Get the F Out of His Way!” HIT IT!!

[ bikini babes surround him as hard rock music plays ]

Kid Rock: [ singing ]
“He’s a white trash BITCH with a license to kill!
shut your mouth, with a thousand-dollar bill!
He’s a cocaine killer!
A gangsta, too!
So hard up your doors, ’cause he’s ready to screw!”

[ Mitt shakes his head to the beat, but his wife and sons are terrified ]

Shepard Smith: You’re okay with this song, Mitt?

Mitt Romney: Well, I just won my home state by less than 3 percentage points, Shepard. You know, I’m not turning away ANYONE! Okay? I’m good with Donald Trump, I’m good with Kid Rock. I mean, if Casey Anthony would help, I’d slap her on the ticket tomorrow!

Shepard Smith: [ shaking his head ] Like they say, “Politics makes strange bedfellows.” Speaking of bedfellows… [ he glances off-camera ] You KICKED me last night, Mother! [ Mother is silent ] Yes, you did! You kicked me with your little Jimmy Legs! [ he returns to the camera ] Let’s take a quick break. When we come back, I’ll tell you two truths, one lie, and a million secrets. I’m Shepard Smith, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 11th, 2012

Jonah Hill

The Shins

None

Tom Hanks

John McEnroe

None

The Rush Limbaugh ShowSummary: Following the controversy of referring to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke as a “whore” and a prostitute”, Rush Limbaugh (Taran Killam) is short a few of his sponsors, but relunctantly announces a collection of new, if less-improved, sponsors that have taken their places.

Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh.

Transcript

Montage

Jonah Hill’s MonologueSummary: Jonah Hill introduces backstage footage which reveals that he’s let his recent Oscar nomination go to his bed. Fortunately, he realizes the error of his ways, and two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks salutes him thusly.

Transcript

Six Year OldSummary: Six-year old Adam Grossman (Jonah Hill) continues to embarrass his divorced dad (Bill Hader) and his Internet girlfriend (Vanessa Bayer) by obnoxiously performing more Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.

Recurring Characters: Adam Grossman, Evan Grossman, Su-Shin.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In an installment of “Science Finders”, Darius Rucker Jr. (Andy Samberg) tests stress levels on the human heart by shooting tennis balls at Dean’s (Jonah Hill) crotch.

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: apan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with would-be ninja Martin Blackfield (Jonah Hill).

Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan’s Girlfriend.

The Shins perform “Simple Song”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Paula Deen (Kristen Wiig). Andy Samberg. Stefon (Bill Hader)

Recurring Characters: Paula Deen, Stefon.

Primate Research CenterSummary: Professor (Jonah Hill) has successfully trained a monkey named Brutus (Fred Armisen) to talk, but doesn’t expect Brutus to spill the beans about sharing exercises in beastiality with one another.

Liza Minnelli Tries To Turn Off A LampSummary: Liza Minnelli (Kristen Wiig) prances around the room in her attempt to turn off a tricky lamp prior to going out on the town with her guest (Jonah Hill).

The Shins perform “It’s Only Life”

Anniversary SongSummary: Harold (Jonah Hill) surprises Lauren (Kristen Wiig) on their anniversary by performing a Coolio song with a full orchestra at his disposal.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ESPN SportsCenterSummary: A discussion of the NFL Bounty scandal.

HannitySummary: Sean Hannity (Taran Killam) talks with pollster Frank Luntz (Jonah Hill), who analyzes voter reaction to Republican candidate speeches.

Recurring Characters: Sean Hannity.

Let’s Have a Wonderful TimeSummary: “Glee”‘s Lea Michele (Abby Elliott) chats up the house band on her new talk show.

Forensic InvestigationSummary: The lead actor (Jonan Hill) in a TV show doesn’t speak English.

SNL Transcripts