Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Booty Bidness

…..Ludacris

[ open on Ludacris dressed in a fancy business suit, standing in front of a sign that reads “Booty Bidness” ]

Ludacris: Hi. This is your man Luda. Some of y’all know me as an MC – some of y’all know me as an actor. But, first and foremost, I’m what they call a “bidness man.” And I been thinkin’ a lot about the state of women’s apparel lately.

[ cut to images of a group of women dancing in a club, all of them wearing shirts with ludicrous messages like “Diva”, “Flirt”, and “Naughty Girl” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: I see you ladies out in da club, lookin’ fine, expressin’ yourself with your sexy t-shirts on.

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris V/O: But when you in the office, you gotta keep it under wraps. Well, not any more! That’s why I created Booty Bidness Workwear.

[ cut to businesswoman walking through the office, flanked by male co-workers ]

Ludacris V/O: For women who demand attention all day long.

[ she turns corner to reveal that her business suit has “Nympho” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: Booty Bidness Workwear is for the woman who knows that being the boss doesn’t mean you gotta stop being fine!

[ show second businesswoman giving a presentation while wearing a t-shirt with “Porn Star” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: As a working lady, you know it’s hard to stand out.

[ show third businesswoman rubbing a male co-worker’s shoulder. Her business suit reads “Bi-Curious.” She turns to adjust a female oc-worker’s collar, then makes her exit. ]

Ludacris V/O: So make them sit up and take notice, and get the right kind of attention.

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris: You have extra gifts – why not remind people of that?

[ show close-up of women wearing dress shirt with “They’re Real” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: Empower yourself!

[ cut to businesswoman sitting on tabletop, revealing “Tasty” printed across the bottom of her skirt ]

Ludacris V/O: Be strong!

[ show two businesswomen on cell phones running into each other in an outdoor crowd; both have messages printed on their business suits ]

Ludacris V/O: Independent!

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris: Be naaaasty! Booty Bidness Workwear. For when you want to work.. your bidness! [ stares into the camera ]

Announcer: Available at JCPenney.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

The Blizzard Man

Woman…..Maya Rudolph
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Ludacris
Engineer…..Kenan Thompson
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Ludacris and two others stand behind the engineer.]

Woman: Luda? Uh, the album is hot, but I still feel like we’re missing that club-banger to kick things off with.

Man: Yeah, we’re feeling track 5, but we still think it needs a stronger hook.

Woman: Yeah.

Ludacris: You know what, I agree, but not to worry. I made some calls, and I got just the man for the job.

Woman: Oh, really, who’d you get?

Ludacris: Well, it’s this crazy R&B cat that I know, man, he calls himself: the Blizzard Man.

Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man!

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

Engineer: I thought he was just a made-up legend, like the Loch Ness Monster.

Ludacris: Oh, no, man, he’s real. I heard him at this underground club, and when I tell you he’s amazin’, I mean, he is amazing. I told him to come by today to lay somethin’ down.

Man: Wow. Sounds great.

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

[door buzzer goes off]

Ludacris: See? That must be him right there. Hold on.

[He walks to the door and opens it up.]

Ludacris: Blizz! Ha-ha!

[Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a black and tan jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake.]

Ludacris: What’s goin’ on, brother?

Blizzard Man: How are ya?

Ludacris: All right, everybody, this is Blizzard Man.

Woman: [politely] Hi, there.

Ludacris: That’s right, you ready to do this, man?

Blizzard Man: [softly] Yeah, most definitely.

Ludacris: Let’s get it done! C’mon.

[Ludacris ushers Blizzard Man into the recording booth. The others look at each other quizzically.]

Engineer: Wow! So that’s him, huh?

Ludacris: Yeah. I know what you’re thinkin’… but I gotta tell y’all, I do not judge a book by its cover, my man can blow, he’s like the next Nate Dog. Straight up.

Man: [chuckles] Now you’re talkin’ my language, Luda!

: Exactly.

[laughter]

Ludacris: [bends over toward microphone] All right, Blizz, now check this out, man. We gonna just let the beat ride, and you see what you feel. Now, you do whatever you wanna do, all right?

Blizzard Man: All right, cool, cool.

[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man cups his hands over his headphones and starts rocking to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yeah. Yo, yo, yo, I’m ’bout to set it, yo. [to engineer] Turn on the headphones?

[Grudgingly, the engineer turns them on.]

Blizzard Man: C’mon. Check my style out.

[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song,
We do our raps and then the crowd goes wild!
And then it’s time for the “after” party,
And we hang out and do lots of sex with girls! Yo.

[The engineer cuts the track off and stares straight ahead in consternation.]

Ludacris: [in approval] Hear. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, man.

[cheers and applause]

Ludacris: Hell, yeah. Hear.

[laughter]

Engineer: Man, what was that?!

Ludacris: I know, right, my man, he’s a straight genius, right off the bat! That’s like one take, dog.

Engineer: No, no.

Ludacris: One take!

Engineer: No, no. That was terrible!

Woman: Yeah. That was absolutely horrible.

Man: That was really bad.

Ludacris: What’re y’all talkin about, that was off the chain, man, single material right there. Y’know what I’m sayin’? But anyway, my man’s just gettin’ warmed up. Trust me, check this out, you will believe in just a minute. [into microphone] Hey! Yo, Blizz, let’s do it again, baby!

Blizzard Man: All right.

Ludacris: All right.

[track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo. Here we go.
History in the making!
Blizzard Man.
Ludacris.
Check my style out.
Doin’ raps and goin’ to parties,
That’s basically what we’re all about!
We’re super-famous, so the ladies let us hump them,
And also we drink expensive champagne!
Yo, where’s my money at?

[cheers and applause]

Ludacris: WHOOO!! Whooo, hoo-hoo! Hear! That’s what I’m doin’, man. Hear!

Engineer: [pounds fist] NO!

Ludacris: What’re you doing, man? Why’d you cut the music off? He was just killin’ there!

Woman: Are you serious?

Man: Yeah. He sounds like my grandfather.

Ludacris: Well, then your… [laughter] Your grandfather must have been Marvin Gaye mixed with a little Stevie Wonder, ’cause my man is changing the straight game, man! Look at him!

[CUT to Blizzard Man gazing slack-jawed into space for several seconds.]

Ludacris: You just gotta let him get loose, man. Watch: I’m gonna do it one more time, and trust me, you will see a hit. Watch this right here. [into microphone] Blizz? One more time. Just let it flow, all right?

Blizzard Man: All right.

Ludacris: Come on, Blizzy B.

[track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo. Off the tone.
Put your tape decks on “Record”!
Ludacris.
Blizzard Man.
Nineteen ninety-five.

[CUT to the others outside the booth.]

Woman: 1995?

Blizzard Man: Yo, then it happened.
Another club-banger!
Check my style out.

[pause]

Blizzard Man: We rap all the time.
Oh, we are so good at rapping!
Who wants to mess with us?
You’ll totally get shot with a gun!

[CUT to the engineer and producers listening more intently.]

Blizzard Man: Don’t you be a jerk.
It’s bad for the party, and the ladies get scared!
Here, you smoke this doobie!
Let’s all cool out and get in the hot tub!

[CUT to Ludacris busting a move and pumping his fist in time to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: What a fancy shindig,
There are some real bodacious babes!
They see our soggy trunks!
And they shake their boobies, and my thingie gets excited!
Boo-boo-boodily boo-boo-boo,
Doodily-doop-de-doop-de-doo doo…

[CUT to the others while Blizzard Man keeps scatting.]

Ludacris: WHOOOOOOO!!

Man: You know what? This actually might work.

Woman: Yeah.

Ludacris: Aha! I told ya, that’s what I’m talking about, I said sign him, right? I said sign him. High-five.

Woman: High-five!

[They all slap hands.]

Ludacris: That’s what I’m talking about. Yo! Yeah, baby! Hear!

[FADE to a “Billboard” chart which reads, “LEAST BOUGHT ALBUMS.” Coming in at #1 is “Ludacris F/The Blizzard Man,” with “Rap Song.” Other entries include “Miracle ‘Gro” with “Slacks ‘n’ Pants,” “Joe and Margie” with “Fart Parade,” and “Bing Bong Brothers” with “Wait (You Guys).” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

An NBC Special Report

President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on “NBC Special Report” graphic ]

Announcer: This is an NBC Special Report.

[ dissolve to SNL graphic ]

“Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so that we may bring you this special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Presidential seal ]

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers excitedly ] As you are probably aware, last Tuesday, I flew to Southeast Asia, for a meeting of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, a group comprised of nearly all the economic powers in that region, including, among others, China, Japan, South Korea, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, and Australia. I had planned to return to Washington later this week, but decided to cut my trip short, in order to share with you two developments of major significance to all Americans.

First, I’m pleased to report that this meeting has led to dramatic progress towards the resolution of a variety of contentious issues, in such areas as trade, environmental protection, and national security.

Second, and this, I truly regret to say, we are now at war with vietnam. [ audience laughs ] The former was the end result of more than two years of painstaking negotiations among our partners in the region. THe lattter.. was just.. I don’t know, something that just sort of came up this afternoon! [ laughs ] And, to be honest, I think it might have been my fault! I do, I really do! The last thing I wanted from this trip was to get us involved another war in Vietnam! In fact, during the entire day-and-a-half I was in Hanoi, I kept saying to myself: “Do not get us into another war in Vietnam, do NOT get us into another war in Vietnam!” And, sure enough, look what happens! [ laughs ] Everything I was trying to avoid! [ laughs, shrugs ] I should have seen that coming!

Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge. To try to figure out exactly how we came to be at war again in Vietnam is pointless. The fact is, we’re at war. And there’s nothing we can do about it now. Of course, on the plus side, this will definitely lead to a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. [ audience cheers ] I mean, I think it would. Because, without a doubt, we’re gonna need every available soldier for vietnam. and then some. On the other hand, this war is gonna be long and difficult. For one thing, unlike the first Vietnam war, this time, we’ll be fighting both North and South Vietnam. Second, I plan to do this while actually cutting taxes. Which is probably impossible, but I at least want to try it. Third, and let’s be honest, we are seriously overextended. [ chuckles ] We are. Fourth, and most important, I have absolutely no strategy for how to fight and win this war! None, whatsoever. And, truth be told, I don’t know when I’m gonna have time to work on one! I mean, I don’t! For now, we have no alternative, but just see this thing through. “Cut and run” is not an option. We must stay the course.. otherwise.. this could be another vietnam.

Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Lesbian Cruise Ship

Arizona…..Amy Poehler
Captain Ronald Huggins…..Ludacris
1st Woman at Table…..Kristen Wiig
2nd Woman at Table…..Maya Rudolph

[FADE IN on stock footage of a cruise ship at sea. FADE to the lounge, which is full of women dancing and flirting. A large banner reads “Olivia Cruise Lines Welcomes You.” PAN across the lounge to the platform, where a woman walks out in a black vest and tan shorts with a butch haircut.]

Arizona: [in a deep voice] Hey-hey-heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, you fabulous women! On behalf of everyone at Olivia Cruise Lines, we’d like to welcome you to your best vacation yet. Who’s ready to party?

Women: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Arizona: All right, we do want to mention that this is a cruise for lesbians, and if you are on the boat by mistake, don’t worry, we don’t bite–except for that one gal in the front row. [points] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… On your first night, there’s some great entertainment comin’ your way. Indigo Girls will be performing by the west pool.

[women cheer in approval]

Arizona: And after dinner, enjoy a cocktail at Club Scissorbang. First, I want you to all meet our very own leader of the seas, Captain Ronald Huggins.

[She opens the door to admit Captain Huggins onto the steps. He swaggers out, dressed to the teeth, and leers at the women as they applaud politely.]

Captain Huggins: Hello, ladies. Helloooo, ladies. I just want to assure you all that your safety is my utmost priority, all right? If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call on me. All right? Night or day: here I am, ready to go.

Arizona: Everyone enjoy yourselves!

[The ladies return to mingling.]

Arizona: Thank, thank you, uh, so much, Captain Huggins.

[Ignoring her, he points and grins to a lady in the lounge.]

Captain Huggins: [to Arizona] Oh, oh, please, call me Ronnie, just call me Ronnie.

Arizona: It’s really great you’re so supportive of other lifestyles. Other captains we’ve interviewed for our cruises just weren’t as enthusiastic as you.

Captain Huggins: [pointing and grinning into crowd] What, are you kidding me? I love it. It used to be, the only place you could see lesbians was on pay-per-view! Y’know what I mean?

Arizona: Right. Well. Okay. I will, uh, let you get back to your captain duties.

Captain Huggins: Oh, there’s not a whole lot of wind going on, I’m just gonna mingle for a little while, if that’s cool with you.

Arizona: Okay. [turns to leave]

Captain Huggins: Ha, ha. Whooooo!

[Starting down the stairs, he deliberately takes off his captain’s hat and coolly tosses it onto the platform. He steps to the nearest table, where two women are calmly sipping their drinks. Captain Huggins squeezes her shoulder.]

1st Woman: Oh! Hi, Captain.

Captain Huggins: How is… everything?

1st Woman: It’s great.

Captain Huggins: How ’bout your friend over there, huh?

2nd Woman: Oh, I’m her partner. It’s our, uh, fifth anniversary.

Captain Huggins: Good for you. Two ladies being lesbian together for five years! Holy diddly-pie.

[laughter]

2nd Woman: Well. Nice meeting you.

Captain Huggins: Nice meeting you, too. Just pretend I’m not here. Be yourselves. Go ahead and be gay ladies together.

2nd Woman: [stiffly] Thanks.

Captain Huggins: No. No, no, no. Thank you.

1st Woman: Take care.

Captain Huggins: No, you take care… of each other. The way gay ladies do, you know.

[A dance track suddenly starts playing. As women begin to dance, the captain joins in, doing some slow, cheesy moves through the crowd. He stops at a table and picks up a flute of champagne.]

Captain Huggins: I’d like to propose a toast. [raises glass in air]

1st Woman: Um, is he… is he supposed to be drinking?

Captain Huggins: To this day… a ship full of beautiful ladies in their pool skimpies… and me. Ladies who like to be with other ladies.

2nd Woman: Is there a point to this?

Captain Huggins: Kissin’, talkin’, kanuzzlin’, snorkelin’ together in their underdrawers… all manner of gay type stuff.

[laughter]

Arizona: [coming out of crowd] Uh, Captain Huggins? Can I talk to you for a second?

Captain Huggins: Uh, yes, Arizona?

[She takes him aside as the audience murmurs with laughter.]

Arizona: You don’t think that somethin’s gonna happen between you and someone here, do you?

Captain Huggins: [scoffs] Oh, that’s crazy talk. [to crowd] Somebody here get this lady a strait-like-it [sic]… please, just get her a straitjacket, right now!

Arizona: ‘Cause it’s not gonna happen.

Captain Huggins: I know.

Arizona: Do you?

Captain Huggins: Yes.

Arizona: Good.

Captain Huggins: Although I do wonder if maybe some of them are curious about the penis. More specifically, my penis.

Arizona: No.

Captain Huggins: Or shy, maybe afraid to ask, you know, regarding their distant memory of intercourse.

Arizona: No.

Captain Huggins: Or perhaps they like to be with ladies first, y’know, like an appetizer, and then they just–

Arizona: Yeah, no.

Captain Huggins: [frustrated] Well, that’s what happens in “Lickety Splits 3,” man!

Arizona: That’s a porno.

Captain Huggins: I thought it was a documentary about y’all’s lifestyle! Please, forgive me, forgive me.

Woman’s Voice: [over loudspeaker] Hey, ladies: the Water Olympics is about to start at the east pool!

[The ladies coo in anticipation and start to make their way over. Captain Huggins picks up a camcorder off a nearby table.]

Captain Huggins: Ha-ha! I’ll be videotaping the whole event! And even though it’s shallow… diving is allowed. [pause] If you catch my frisbee, so get it up, girls!

[The captain holds up his hands and begins to back into the crowd. A woman grabs him around the waist and starts dragging him toward the edge of the deck.]

Captain Huggins: Get it up! Hey! Hey, what’re you doin’?

[Another woman lifts up his legs, and together they toss him overboard.]

Captain Huggins: [falling] I love me some lesbiaaaaaaaaaaaans…

[Audience applauds as a loud splash is heard. The women high-five each other and return to the crowd. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Old Friends

Old Friend #1…..Darrell Hammond
Old Friend #2…..Ludacris

[ open on two old friends finishing lunch in a diner ]

Old Friend #1: Let me ask you something —

Old Friend #2: Ask me something, and I’ll TELL you something back!

Old Friend #1: Why is it that the minute I start to like a show, they cancel it?

Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] Which one?

Old Friend #1: “Barney Miller.”

Old Friend #2: Oh, my God, “Barney Miller” ain’t been on in twenty-five years!

Old Friend #1: I know! Because they canceled it!

Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] I have a question.

Old Friend #1: What?

Old Friend #2: When did telephones become walkie-talkies, and cameras, and stereos? I like a phone that’s screwed into the wall, you gotta stand to talk on it, you know what I’m talking about? And it’s got a long, funky, FUNKED-UP cord! You know?

Old Friend #1: I want my television to look like furniture! A big, chunky, wooden bastard that gets as HOT as the STOVE!! Something that you put your spider plant on!

Old Friend #2: Here’s a quizzer: why on’t they take the material they use to make pee pads, and make a whole set of pants with ’em? Huh?

Old Friend #1: Do you wear the pee pads?

Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! I just think that would be a product that would really take off, you know? You know what I’d call ’em?

Old Friend #1: Slick Slacks?

Old Friend #2: Yep.

Old Friend #1: Here’s a puzzler —

Old Friend #2: Hit me!

Old Friend #1: When did it become okay – okay? – to get a tattoo on your penis?

Old Friend #2: And earrings on your bosoms – why?

[ as Darrell Hammond breathes through his nostrils, his fake moustache begins to detach from his upper lip; he starts to raise his hand to adjust it, but quickly retreats ]

Old Friend #2: And answer me this: where did Pudding Pops go, huh?! Where’d they go?!

Old Friend #1: [ fueled with anger ] I want someone to tell me why I can’t smoke in J.C. Penney any more!

Old Friend #2: And when prostitutes start getting so picky?!

Old Friend #1: And when did chicken become a pizza topping?!

Old Friend #2: And where can I find some coffee-flavored coffee?! Huh?!

Old Friend #1: Where can I get a poster of Loni Anderson wearing a sweater-dress?!

Old Friend #2: And why can’t they combine the no-pee medicines with the stuffy medicines? Tell me that! [ looks at Darrell and notices the fake moustache hanging from his upper lip; turns his head back so as not to laugh ]

Old Friend #1: You have trouble in the stiffy department?

Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! But I know someone who does.

Old Friend #1: Who?

Old Friend #2: ME!! Here’s another query: are you paying for me soup?!

Old Friend #1: Uh – uh, well, yeah. I mean, don’t I always? [ picks up their lunch bill and holds up a dollar, as hi moustache comes considerably looser ] Uh – what is a, uh, good tip.. on six dollars and seventy-five cents?

Old Friend #2: Mmm.. sixteen cents! That’s twenty per cent! One last question: what the donk is the Internet, huh?

Old Friend #1: [ laughs for a split-second ] The hell if I know! [ begins laughing more ] You got me, my friend!

Old Friend #2: I know that your damn moustache is hanging off, I know that!

[ Darrell Hammond finally adjusts his moustache, as he and Ludacris begin waving their arms in mock surrender ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 7th, 2006

Jaime Pressley

Corinne Bailey Rae

None

None
An Address From Dennis HastertSummary: House Speaker Dennis Hastert (Darrell Hammond) comments on the Mark Foley scandal.

Transcript

MontageNote: The “Saturday Night Live” logo switches from horizontal to vertical, along with a change in the presentation of the musical guest and host photos.

Jaime Pressley’s MonologueSummary: Jaime Pressley attempts to deter the use of cliched Southern hick jokes so she can perform the Peggy Lee song “Fever.”

Recurring Characters: Colonel Sanders.

Bio: Jaime Pressley (1977-). Actress; twice posed for Playboy magazine; plays Jason Lee’s white trash ex-wife on NBC’s “My Name is Earl”; stars in the upcoming film, “DOA: Dead or Alive.”

Transcript

Headline Prime with Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) interrogates a former male page (Andy Samberg) who worked under Congressman Mark Foley, a Microsoft operator (Jaime Pressley), and the nighttime janitor (Kenan Thompson) who might have moved her chair.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.

Transcript

New York City StoriesSummary: Martin Scorcese (Fred Armisen) recalls famous street locations where he filmed his movies, while Rosie Perez (Amy Poehler) rambles incoherently.

Recurring Characters: Martin Scorcese.

Transcript

Jon BoviSummary: Record executive Jackie Downs (Jaime Pressley) endures a meeting with would-be rockers Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte), whose hits are little than reverse versions of 80’s hair metal fodder.

Transcript

WVIR NewsSummary: Michelle Dison (Kristin Wiig), a newly-divorced reporter, struggles through a live interview with, and a confused attraction to, Crystal Duggler (Jaime Pressley), the winner of the Hands on a Hard Body contest.

Recurring Characters: Gil, Michelle Dison.

Transcript

New York City Stories IISummary: Lou Reed (Fred Armisen) and Patti Smith (Amy Poehler) recall the rock music at CBGB’s and odd places where they paid rent.

Transcript

St. Ambrose AcademySummary: High school principal (Bill Hader) chides student Nicole (Jaime Pressley) for acting keeping her cell phone on during class, until Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson), her black stepmom, arrives to offer support and understanding.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Put Your Records On”Bio: Corinne Bailey Rae (1979-). Musician; born in Leeds, West Yorkshire, England; formed the all-female indie rock band Helen while a teenager; developed a proclivity for soul music while working in a jazz club during college.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Peter O’Toole (Bill Hader) comments on Congressman Mark Foley’s post-scandal admission of alcoholism. Producer Charo (Maya Rudolph) and the young star (Fred Armisen) of NBC’s rip-off series “Fugly Betsy” comments on the show’s premise.

Recurring Characters: Peter O’Toole, Charo.

Transcript

NASCARettesSummary: Head NASCAR cheerleader (Jaime Pressley) leads her new recruits into performing their moves on the track during the race, but not all of them succeed in running out of the way as the cars perform their laps.

New York City Stories IIISummary: Fran Leibowitz (Fred Armisen) and Yoko Ono (Amy Poehler) wax poetic about the city.

Recurring Characters: Yoko Ono.

Big WigsSummary: Business executives (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) are fearful that the corporate Big Wigs (Jaime Pressley, Amy Poehler) will step too close to the ceiling fan.

KuatoSummary: At a party, Claire (Jaime Pressley) is interested in Danny (Bill Hader) until the Kuato (Andy Samberg) from “Total Recall” bursts out of his chest.

Recurring Characters: Danny, Kuato, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Like A Star”Lyrics

Cider ChatSummary: Next-door neighbors (Jaime Pressley, Kristen Wiig) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking cider on their back porch.

Transcript

A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger From 1982Summary: In 1982, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) spouts the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly.

Note: The jogger is so out-of-breath that it’s making him delusional – Mikhael Gorbachev wouldn’t have had any friction with Ronald Reagan in 1982, as he wasn’t elected General Secretary of the Communist Party until 1985. Yuri Andropov is the more likely antagonist.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.

The Jerry Springer ShowSummary: Jerry Springer (Darrell Hammond) welcomes a multiple repeat guest (Jaimie Pressley) with a sever grudge to the show.

Captain MorganSummary: Recovering alcoholic Captain Morgan (Bill Hader) serves spirits to party guests.

Campaign AdSummary: A politician (Bill Hader) masquerades as his opponent.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Cider Chat

Neighbor #1…..Jaime Pressley
Neighbor #2…..Kristin Wiig

[ open on exterior, suburban front porch, night ]

[ truck forward to two women neighbors sitting on wicker furniture while sipping cider ]

Neighbor #2: Oh. It’s such a beautiful night tonight.

Neighbor #1: Mmm. I love Fall, a nice cup of hot cider, and a good friend.

Neighbor #2: I can’t wait to get a pumpkin!

[ they sip their cider ]

Neighbor #1: Mmm. You know, I ran into Sally today.

Neighbor #2: Really?

Neighbor #1: She’s put on a ton of weight.

Neighbor #2: Oh, that’s too bad. That’s too bad.

Neighbor #1: I just hope she’s all right.

[ they sip their cider ]

Neighbor #2: Mmm! Cider is so good!

Neighbor #1: I used a cinnamon stick as a stirrer.

Neighbor #2: Oh.

[ they sip their cider ]

Neighbor #2: Mmm. Oh – well, I ran into Herb today.

Neighbor #1: Oh, really?

Neighbor #2: Yes. He said he was sober, but he didn’t smell like it.

Neighbor #1: You know, I saw him peeing on his front lawn. He was so drunk he threw up all over his own ding-dong.

Neighbor #2: [ smiles ] Oh, that’s Herb for you!

[ they sip their cider ]

Neighbor #1: Oh, I love the smell of Fall.

Neighbor #2: I kind of like the smell of my own farts.

[ they sip their cider ]

Neighbor #1: Oh! I know what I wanted to tell you! Janice found a bloody sweater in her husband’s trunk.

Neighbor #2: Again?

Neighbor #1: I guess our husbands aren’t so bad!

[ they laugh at the joke ]

Neighbor #1: I cut myself on purpose this morning.

[ they sip their cider ]

Neighbor #2: Mmm! I forgot about cider!

Neighbor #1: Me, too!

[ they smile, then sip more cider ]

Neighbor #2: I’m thinking about having a party for all the dogs in the neighborhood.

Neighbor #1: I had a dream where I was a feather with an alligator mouth.

Neighbor #2: My real name is Ronald.

Neighbor #1: I peed in the cider.

[ truck back, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Goodnights

….Jaime Pressley

Jaime Pressley: Thanks again to Corinne Bailey Rae. Thank you to all the cast of “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Lorne Michaels – I had the time of my life! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace…..Amy Poehler
Eddie Hunter…..Andy Samberg
Bethany Blake…..Jaime Pressley
Darren…..Kenan Thompson

[Nancy sits at her desk, background of city buildings at night ]

Nancy Grace: Tonight: former Republican representative Mark Foley is now udner an investigation by the FBI, for salacious e-mails he reportedly sent to male congressional pages. This, and more, tonight on “Nancy Grace.”

[ Show’s introduction montage. Nancy snarls at the camera, Nancy crosses her arms, defiant look on her face ]

[ Caption: “Nancy Grace” ]

Nancy Grace: Good evening, I’m Nancy Grace. And, yes, I intended for my hair to be this shape. [ looks to the back of her chair ] I-I think my chair was moved. With me tonight: Eddie Hunter, a former congressional page. He’s going to help us sort out the nightmare that is the congressional page program. Welcome, Eddie.

[ show Eddie Hunter. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Ex-Rep Foley Fallout. Eddie Hunter Former Congressional Page. Nancy Grace.” ]

Eddie Hunter: Thanks, Nancy.

Nancy Grace: Eddie, how does it feel to be victimized like this?

Eddie Hunter: Uh — well, Nancy, the congressman I worked for was never inappropriate with me. I’m here tonight because I think the page program is an amazing educational experience for young people.

Nancy Grace: [ doubtful ] Never inappropriate? Let me read you a line from an e-mail you once received from your congressman:

[ show copy of the e-mail, dated Wednesday, August 31, 2005 ]

Nancy Grace: [ reading ] “Have you distributed copies of Resolution 620?”

[ show Nancy again ]

Nancy Grace: I don’t even want to guess what a 620 might mean.

Eddie Hunter: Well, actually, Resolution 620 was a House Appropriations Bill addressing highway maintenance.

Nancy Grace: Hmmmm.. so you’re saying, in a 620, the 6 isn’t Mark Foley, and you’re not the 0, and the 2 in the middle isn’t some kind of bed or swing or something like that?

Eddie Hunter: No!

Nancy Grace: Eddie, do you still live in fear that one or more members of Congress is coming to get you?

Eddie Hunter: No.

Nancy Grace: You don’t worry that a congressman might dress up like a shrub, squat outside your window, take one of the branches off the shrub costume, sharpen it to a point, cut through your window screen and come and GET YOU? And then, if you call the police, they might just be MORE congressman dressed up like police, who are working in cahoots with the one dressed up like a shru-u-u-ubb?

Eddie Hunter: I-I think it’s a mistake to assume all congressmen act like Mark Foley.

Nancy Grace: Well, oftentimes, victims like yourself will bury the pain.

Eddie Hunter: I’m not a victim, I’m not in pain.

Nancy Grace: Give it time, brave soldier. Resolution 620 – it is gro-tesque! Okay? [ looks down at her chair again ] There is no doubt in my mind that this chair has been moved! [ a beat ] Here at the show, we’ve done extensive research in which we’ve noticed that ALL these online predator cases had one thing in common: computers.

[ Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Nancy Grace.” ]

Nancy Grace: Joining us from Microdoft is Customer Service Represenative Bethany Blake.

[ show Bethany Blake. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Bathany Blake Microsoft Customer Service. Nancy Grace.” ]

Bethany Blake: Thank you for calling customer Support. My name is Bethany.

Nancy Grace: Bethany, how do you sleep at night, working for a company that provides the tools to the pedophilia industry?

Bethany Blake: [ confused ] I’m sorry, Ma’am. Do you have a technical issue?

Nancy Grace: I’ll tell you what I have an issue with, Bethany — your company created Windows.. and now perverts are looking through those windows at young boys. I think it’s high time for the comupter industry to start providing DRAPES! What do you think, Bethany?

Bethany Blake: [ bewildered ] I-I’m sorry.. I can help you if your screen is frozen.

Nancy Grace: Can you help me — can you help me if justice is frozen? [ Bethany shakes her head, confused ] Thanks, friend. Now, let’s get to the important issue. For those of you who have been watching the past few weeks, you know that I have been tireless in tracking down who keeps moving my chair! Joining me now, is our night janitor, Darren.

[ show Darren mopping the floor, as two technicians sit him down in a chair and attach a microphone to his lapel. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Who Moved My Chair? Darren Night Janitor. Nancy Grace.” ]

Nancy Grace: Darren? Darren.. could you explain to me — Darren, could you explain to me what your job entails at night?

Darren: [ surprised by the sudden interruption ] I-I clean the studio.

Nancy Grace: In your cleaning, did you ever, at any point, move this chair?

Darren: I don’t know, Nancy Grace.

Nancy Grace: But you don’t remember not moving it?

Darren: I don’t recollect moving it.

Nancy Grace: [ determined ] But you don’t recollect not moving it?

Darren: [ trembling ] I don’t know, Nancy Grace!

Nancy Grace: Darren, do you have a computer?

Darren: Yes, I do.

Nancy Grace: [ nods her head ] I thought so. It’s all coming together, isn’t it? When we come back, I’ll explain why my itnerview with Terrell Owens had nothing to do with his attempted suicide. We’ll be right back.

[ Show’s montage with Nancy snarling, crossing her arms, defiant look plays again ]

[ Cheers and Applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

An Address From Dennis Hastert

Speaker Dennis Hastert…..Darrell Hammond

FADE IN:

Blue background with the House of Representatives seal.

Announcer: The following is an address from the Speaker of the UnitedStates House of Representatives: Dennis Hastert.

INT. HASTERT’S OFFICE – EVENING

Speaker DENNIS HASTERT, in suit and tie, remains seated at his officedesk, hands folded, and nods.

SUPER: REP. DENNIS HASTERT (R) IL — SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

Dennis Hastert: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Throughout the past week, ournation’s media has been filled with sensational stories concerning acertain member of Congress – Representative Mark Foley of Florida. And hise-mail correspondence with several young men – all formal Congressionalpages. Without question, these e-mails were highly inappropriate andaccordingly, Mr. Foley has resigned his seat in Congress. Some havecriticized the way this issue was handled by House Republican leaders, butlet’s be honest, a number of individuals share some responsibility here.Former President Clinton, The Washington Post, Al-Qaeda Number Two ManAyman al-Zawahiri, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, and her daughterChelsea. There’s plenty of blame to go around.

So rather than indulge in partisan finger-pointing, let’s move on. Thathaving been said however, it would be wrong to close the books onCongressman Foley’s career without first acknowledging the singularcontribution he made during his 12 years in the House. In particular, hiswork with the Congressional Page Program. More than any other member ofCongress, Rep. Foley cared about these kids. Their interests, their plansfor the future… even the kind of underpants they wore.

For many pages, his office became a home away from home. Where theoverwhelmed, the homesick, or those insecure about their bodies were sureto find a sympathetic ear. Perhaps a shoulder to cry on or even a playfulpillow fight, followed by a soothing alcohol rub down. His genoursity waslegendary. It might be a bewildered 16-year-old living away from home forthe first time who looked like he could use some assistance putting on histrousers. Or a shy youngster unfamiliar with clothes shopping, overheardto say he needed “new swimming trunks”. Mark Foley was there to help. Andunlike most members of Congress, he didn’t wait to be asked.

But once a young man was back at home, his time as a page over, was heforgotten? Not by Mark Foley. Whether it was a high school swim meet,wrestling match or even a wrestling practice, you were sure to find himthere – video camera in hand – to lend his support. Never one to drawattention to himself, he usually did his filming while in an elaboratedisguise or sometimes from a parked car. And he sought no thanks or evenacknowledgement for his thoughtfulness. As a matter of fact, in mostcases, he didn’t even tell the young men he was filming them.

As often as not, former pages would be surprised even astonished to learnabout the hundreds and hundreds of hours of footage he had shot of them.All meticulously labeled — indexed according to hair color, body type,and style of underpant. And carefully maintained his self-storage unit insuburban Maryland. That’s the kind of guy he was.

Congressman Foley may have had his eccentricities, even his faults as dowe all, but we in the House are going to miss this man. Because now thathe is gone, there is no one in Congress quite like him… I mean maybe onthe Democratic side, definitely no Republicans. We’re absolutely certainabout that. We’ve checked. So thank you. And live from New York, it’sSaturday Night.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts