SNL Transcripts: Winona Ryder: 05/18/02


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 18th, 2002

Winona Ryder

Moby

Alex Trebek

Neil Diamond

Moby, “We Are All Made Of Stars”

  • Carter In Cuba

    Fidel Castro (Will Ferrell) ridicules Jimmy Carter (Darrell Hammond) during visit.

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro.

  • Winona Ryder’s Monologue

    Ryder watches footage from studio’s new security cameras.

  • Celebrity Jeopardy

    Rock & Roll version with Dave Matthews (Jimmy Fallon) and Bjork (Ryder).

    The real Alex Trebek cancels Final Jeopardy.

    Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery.

  • Uncle Mike & Uncle Danny

    Bride’s (Ryder) two dads (Chris Parnell, Will Ferrell) sing at her wedding.

  • Bearologist

    Bearologist (Will Ferrell) takes blame when Bear (Seth Meyers) kills wife.

  • Botox

    Poison injections keep women’s faces wrinkle-free.

  • Girl Next Door: The Search For A Playboy Centerfold

    One-legged girl (Amy Poehler) hopes to become centerfold.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Tina Fey delivers rant against having a baby by Age 27.

    Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) sings “Cherry, Cherry” with 2002 All-Stars.

    Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond, Gay Hitler, Drunk Girl, Geraldo Rivera.

  • Moby performs “We Are All Made Of Stars”

  • Love-ahs

    Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) enjoy more hot tub loving.

    Recurring Characters: Roger Clarvin, Virginia Clarvin.

  • Mango

    Shopping with Ryder and Moby, Mango (Chris Kattan) shoplifts.

    Recurring Characters: Mango.

  • Moby performs “South Side”

  • Will Ferrell Farewell

    Cast members relate Will Ferrell’s importance to the show.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 27: Episode 1









    01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    …..Jimmy Fallon
    …..Tina Fey
    Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

    Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

    Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

    US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie “Glitter.”

    According to the New York Post, the Mafia has stolen more than 250 tons of scrap metal from lower Manhatten. A spokesman for the Gambino Family said, “Hey, dah mayor told us to go back to work!”

    This week, Elizabeth Dole announced that she’s entering the Senate race in North Carolina. Mrs. Dole said she felt it was imperative at this moment that she do something to get away from Crazy Viagra McGee.

    Dole will be running for the Senate seat vacated by Jesse Helms. Mrs. Dole said if she wins Helms’ seat, she will have it steam-cleaned to get rid of that “old people smell”.

    Last week, Don King pledged $500,000 to relief charities; but this week, somehow the charities owe him $600,000.

    A man who owns a Middle-Eastern restaurant named Osama’s Place says he won’t change the name since it was named for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though, he a had harder time explaining why his other restaurant is named “Hitler’s Chicken”.

    MSNBC reporter Ashleigh Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, has cut her hair short and died it brown in order to go undercover in the male-dominated country. Take it from me, Ashley: If you think having brown hair and wearing glasses will keep men from noticing you.. you are right.

    Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson announced that he had been invited to meet with Afghan Taliban rulers as a possible mediator in the tense standoff over Osama Bin Laden. One of the more bizarre elements of this news is that there is some confusion over who initiated the invite. Here to explain it, the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

    Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Tina. And thank you, America. For the record, I did not contact the Taliban; they, in fact, contacted me. What happened was this: I had a hang-up on my machine, so I star-sixty-nined, and they said, “Hello?” And I said, “Who is this?” And they said, “Who is this?” And I said, “You called me.” And they said, “You called us.” And I said, “I star-sixty-nined you!” They admitted it was the Taliban. Then I had a great laugh over what transpired. I immediately called the appropriate people in Washington, D.C., let them know I’d been contacted by the Taliban first. I then called my friend Gary to tell them how weird it was that the Taliban called. I pushed the redial button by mistake. I accidentally got the Taliban. At first, Jimmy, I thought it was my friend Gary being funny.

    Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! You would.. you would think that!

    Jesse Jackson: Because he was like, “Agga gaga”

    Jimmy Fallon: That sounds like Gary!

    Jesse Jackson: But then I realized it was the Taliban. It was not my friend Gary. So I jokingly said, “Come, Mr. Taliban, Tali-me banana.” After that, it was a very uncomfortable moment.

    Jimmy Fallon: I can see why!

    Jesse Jackson: They said they were on the other line, they had to take that call. And we played phone tag over the next few days. I left several messages on their machine, suggesting we get together and talk – which had been their idea in the first place. Finally, a spokesman for the Taliban at the Afghan embassy in Pakistan called me and told me to stop calling. Which I took to mean that I would be welcome to come over and broker a deal. Once again, I called the relevant parties in Washington, they said they would be happy to send me to Afghanistan – I could even take comedian Bill Mahar with me. They even had a specific cave we could wait in until they dropped us a message. Jimmy.. Tina.. I anxiously awaited my opportunity to help in a time of crisis.

    Jimmy Fallon: I appreciate that. Jesse Jackson, everyone. [ noticing his combed hair on the monitor ] What is going on with my hair, for heaven’s sake?

    Tina Fey: You should have spent more money on that wig.

    Jimmy Fallon: It looks like a wig, doesn’t it? [ musses up his hair, making it look worse ]

    According to his daughter, the comic actor Jerry Van Dyke is trying to retire from show business – which raises an interesting question: Who’s stopping Jerry van Dyke from retiring from show business?

    Elton John this week admitted he is still sexually attracted to women, despite the fact that he hasn’t slept with one in 9 years. He said that the woman he is most attracted to is George Clooney.

    Jimmy Fallon: The first week of Maine’s annual moose hunt began on Monday and ends tommorrow –

    Tina Fey: Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?

    Jimmy Fallon: What? Yeah.

    Tina Fey: It’s just that I promised mysled I would kill a moose this year, and now it’s too late. Aargh, I never finish anything!

    Jimmy Fallon: That’s not true, Tina. You’re one of the most disciplined people I know.

    Tina Fey: If that were true, I’d be eating moose jerky right now.

    Jimmy Fallon: Well.. Maine’s having an extra week of moose hunting this season starting October 8th! You can shoot a moose then, just don’t put it off until the last second, Tina.

    Tina Fey: I won’t, Jimmy. I won’t squander the second chance Maine has given all of us to shoot a moose!

    Together: And.. scene.

    At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Jeniro was cancelled last friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

    Organizers of the orgy were expecting 1500 men, and 8 women.

    Health officials are investigating a link between a cluster of E. Coli cases at a county fair. It was disovered that all 20 people reporting symptoms not only attended the fair, but participated in the manure-eating contest.

    Following last November’s election problems, Palm Beach County, Florida will switch to touch-screen voting machines. In early tests, elderly voters responded favorably to the touch-screens, then spent twenty minutes waiting for their money to come out.

    Tina Fey: Our final story tonight: New York City is awesome. If you would like to donate to the Twin Towers Fund to help in the relief effort here in New York City, call the number on your screen: 1-877-870-4278.

    Jimmy Fallon: Please give what you can. Anything. With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: Farting Baby



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 27: Episode 1


    01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

    Farting Baby

    White Mother…..Reese Witherspoon
    White Father…..Will Ferrell
    Grandmother…..Ana Gasteyer
    Dr. Cleeten…..Chris Kattan
    Black Mother…..Maya Rudolph
    Black Father…..Tracy Morgan

    [open on white mother, father and grandmother around baby]

    White Father: Aw, look at him.

    White Mother: Oh, I still can’t believe it! He’s so beautiful. We made that.

    White Father: We did it. Look at his little face. He’s so peaceful.

    Grandmother: You kids did a good job. You should be proud.

    White Mother: Thanks, Mom. [places baby in bassinet] Oh, I can’t believe it. He’s ours.

    White Father: I love you.

    [woman laughs cheerfully; baby farts]

    White Father: Oops! Did you hear that?

    White Mother: That was his first fart!

    [man and woman chuckle; nuzzle baby]

    White Mother: That’s so cute!

    White Father: You’re gonna be just like your dad.

    White Mother: Let’s hope not.

    [baby farts again]

    White Father: Ooh! Little fella’s got gas.

    White Mother: I wonder if I ate something. You know, they say if the mom eats gassy food…

    White Father: He looks fine to me.

    [baby farts louder]

    White Father: Hey! Hey, cool it dude. I’m the fart guy in this family.

    [baby continues farting]

    White Mother: Oh! Mom, should I burp him?

    Grandmother: Oh, just pat his back, honey. He’ll be fine.

    White Father: I’ll get him. [picks baby up as baby farts uncontrollably] Whoa. This – this can’t be normal. This can’t be…normal at all.

    White Mother: Um, give him to me. [patting baby’s back] There, there. Mommy’s here. That’s okay. Just let it out.

    [farting continues]

    White Father: Okay, I – I gotta call someone.

    Grandmother: That isn’t normal. That isn’t normal.

    White Father: No. No.

    White Mother: Okay, don’t panic, honey. Just call Dr. Cleeten.

    White Father: Yes. Of course. Dr. Cleeten. Of course. Jeez! Stop the farting.

    Grandmother: Call the doctor!

    White Mother: There’s nothing I can do. I’m patting his back.

    [burping joins farting]

    White Father: Ooh! Now’s he’s…he’s burping now! Stop it baby!

    Grandmother: Call the doctor!

    White Father: Stop it, baby!

    White Mother: Call Dr. Cleeten, damn it! Now!

    [time passes; farting and burping continue]

    White Mother: [opens the door for Dr. Cleeten] Dr. Cleeten, right this way. He won’t stop farting and burping!

    White Father: We’re – we’re worried sick!

    Dr. Cleeten: Now, now, now. It’s probably just some gas. [inspecting baby] Okay, little fella. What’s going on here? [farting and big burp] Oh! Well here’s the problem. His diaper’s on too tight.

    [mother sighs with relief]

    Dr. Cleeten: [changes baby] There we go.

    [farting and burping stop]

    White Father: Oh, boy. That was tense there.

    Dr. Cleeten: Well, no need to worry. Constriction of the lower stomach often causes gas to build up.

    [baby pees into the air]

    Dr. Cleeten: …And pee!

    [farting and burping resume]

    White Mother: Oh my god. He’s peeing everywhere!

    Dr. Cleeten: Well, would you look at that!

    White Father: Do something!

    Dr. Cleeten: I’ve never seen this.

    Grandmother: This – this – this isn’t normal!

    White Mother: [to Dr. Cleeten] Well, fix it! He’s farting and burping and peeing!

    White Father: Here, let me – let me grab it. Let me grab it. [picks up baby] Stop it! Stop farting! Stop it! Stop farting!

    White Mother: Larry, Larry, Larry! Hold it! He’s just a baby, Larry!

    White Father: You better stop it!

    White Mother: Give me the baby. Give it to me. [to baby] You better stop it. Stop farting!

    White Father: It’s not funny. Go to your room!

    Grandmother: That is not polite. It is not polite!

    White Mother: You quit it this instant!

    Dr. Cleeten: Give him to me! [to baby] I command you to stop farting! I am a doctor! You do it, and you will stop!

    [farting continues]

    White Mother: I’ve got an idea.

    White Father: I like it.

    Grandmother: Me too.

    White Mother: I’ll be right back. [takes baby] Come on, Mom.

    [mother and grandmother leave] [Larry and Dr. Cleeten stand around; generic The Odd Couple-like music plays in the background]

    White Father: Coffee?

    Dr. Cleeten: No, no thanks. I’m actually trying to cut back.

    White Father: Interesting. You’ve cut back on coffee? I’m amazed.

    Dr. Cleeten: Well, nothing really amazing about it. I have a cup in the morning, and…and that’s it.

    White Father: [skeptical] One cup?

    Dr. Cleeten: Sometimes two.

    White Father: Okay. Yeah. [short pause] That’s beyond intriguing. That’s interesting. That’s really interesting.

    Dr. Cleeten: Yeah?

    White Father: Yeah.

    [mother and grandmother return with black baby]

    White Mother: We’re back. It’s a funny thing, honey. That wasn’t our baby. Can you believe it? This is our baby.

    White Father: I knew it! It must’ve been a mix-up. [tickles baby] Hi, cutie! [to mother] He?

    White Mother: Oh, honey it’s a girl.

    White Father: Oh.

    White Mother: We made her, remember?

    White Father: I love you.

    [Larry and mother kiss] [scene cuts to black man and woman in hospital room with original baby] [baby farts, burps and pees continuously]

    Black Mother: This baby is not ours!

    Black Father: [laughing] Who cares? This baby is hilarious! [to baby] You keep on fartin’, little dude! [to mother] This is the funniest baby we had yet!

    Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

    SNL Transcripts