Category: 2001

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Hollywood…..Chris Kattan
David Pelletier…..Will Ferrell
Jamie Sale…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

It was revealed this week that a shadow government consisting of 75 senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event the nation’s capital is attacked. This shadow government is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year.

President Bush wants to spend 3 hundred million dollars for classes and TV ads that encourages poor, single, mothers to stay off welfare by getting married. Bush will detail this program on the new fox show: who wants to stay married to an out of work drunk for $238.00 a month.

Two cross-country skiers were stripped their gold medals on Sunday after testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug. IOC officials got suspicious when cross country skiers tried to ski across the country.

Tina Fey: Ari Fleisher apologized this week for statements that implied that Bill Clinton’s failed peace plan was to blame for the current mideast violence. What is wrong with the Republicans? Let’s go over the Clinton administration again.

[ shows picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ picture of violence and war ]

He didn’t do this.

[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ Enron picture ]

He didn’t do this.

[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ Dow Jones chart ]

He didn’t do this.

[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]

He did this.

[ picture of Hillary Clinton ]

He did not do this.

[ Canadian skaters walk on ]

David Pelletier: Um, excuse us. Pardon.

Jamie Sale: Excuse, uh, sorry. Sorry to interrupt your comedy programming.

David Pelletier: Yeah.

Jamie Sale: We’re uh, Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, the Canadian pair skaters.

Jimmy Fallon: Great. Great. What are you doing here?

David Pelletier: We were looking for fellow Canadian Lorne Michaels. Jamie and I thought we would be invited to host “Saturday Night Live”, but instead you chose U.S. Olympian Johnny Mosely, even though he came in fourth in his event. And we came in first and second at the same time.

Jamie Sale: Nobody’s ever done that.

David Pelletier: No. No.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry guys, we already started the show. Johnny Mosely is the host.

David Pelletier: Well, the last time this happened, what really happened was the Russian’s won and then later, they say we won too, so we figured that it’s not too late. We can host the rest of the show. Maybe?

Jamie Sale: Yeah, ’cause we have to say, ya know, we’re so funny.

David Pelletier: Yeah. Jamie does a hilarious impression of our coach. Yeah. Do it.

Jamie Sale: Do it?

David Pelletier: Yeah.

Jamie Sale: Okay. “Go for it you guys!”

David Pelletier: It’s so funny. He sounds just like that.

Jamie Sale: He does.

David Pelletier: He does. Jamie does all kinds of funny characters. Do it.

Jamie Sale: Uh. Okay. Um, I call this character Quanesse. She is a black homeless from Montreal. “People say I’m crazy, but you don’t want to pay 4 dollars for coffee. Who’s crazy now, you monkeys?”

Tina Fey: That’s a good character.

Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good, I say.

Tina Fey: Yeah, but we already have a whole show.

Jamie Sale: Sorry.

Tina Fey: Jamie Sale and Davie Pelletier everybody!

It was reported this week that David Letterman may bring his late night talk show to ABC. Letterman has proclaimed interest in going to ABC, but it not yet positive he’d hate it there enough.

In other network news, John Madden, has left FOX and signed a 4 year deal as a commentator on Monday Night Football. How did ABC lure Madden away? Hot dogs!

Jimmy Fallon: With the Grammy Awards taking place last week and the Oscars less than a month away, this is a busy time in the world of entertainment. Here now with a report on all the behind the scenes news is Weekend Update’s gossip correspondent: Hollywood!

Hollywood: Uh, hold on. (on phone) Yeah. Totally. Ahhh. (OFF PHONE) What’s up everybody? What’s going on jimmy Fallon? It’s totally, it’s totally you’re getting haircuts everybody. It was long last week, but now it’s short, but it’s all good. Ahhh. Respect!

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks. Hollywood, what’s the juiciest piece of celebrity gossip? Have you heard any stuff lately?

Hollywood: Uh. Matthew Mconaughey, Brekin Meyer everybody! Seth Green, Melanie Griffith ya’ll. It’s all good. Ahh.

Jimmy Fallon: What about them? You just said their names. Are they doing anything?

Hollywood: Uh. Okay. Yesterday, I thought I saw Alanis Morisette. But then it turned out to be my cousin Dave everybody. Ahh. Respect!

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you. Uh.. did you at least go to the Grammy’s?

Hollywood: Uh, no I did not Jimmy Fallon. I was not invited at all y’all. But it’s all good. Ahh. Respect!

Jimmy Fallon: So Hollywood, did you ah-

Hollywood: Wait! Hold on. (on phone) Oh. What? Yeah. Totally? Ahhh.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Wait. Who are you talking to?

Hollywood: I don’t know. Maybe it was the star of 40 days and 40 nights. Josh Hartnett everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: Really? You were talking to Josh Hartnett?

Hollywood: No. That was totally my mom everybody. She said, she needs her car back ya’ll! But it’s all good. Ahh. Respect!

Tina Fey: Okay, Hollywood, let me explain something to you. Gossip is when you have an actual piece of relatively exclusive information about a celebrity. Do you understand?

Hollywood: Uh… I totally found these sunglasses by the pool, and I think they might belong to John Stamos everybody. Ahh. Respect! It’s all good!

Jimmy Fallon: Hollywood everybody!

Hollywood: Everybody! Everybody!

A cow that escaped from an Ohio slaughter house was spared last week after former Cincinnati Red’s owner Marge Schott agreed to let it live on her farm. Schott was touched by the story because she once escaped from the same slaughter house.

At a karaoke bar in Manila last week, a man who sarcastically applauded a singers version of “My Way” was killed by the singer and his friend. Eyewitnesses call it the best Frank Sinatra impression they had ever seen.

This past Wednesday marked what astronomers say was the best full moon. Meanwhile this past Thursday marked the darkest half moon when Al Roker bent over wearing sweatpants.

Former teen pop star Tiffany reportedly discussed her upcoming pictorial with her 8-year-old son by showing him models in Vogue magazine. Tiffany explained the difference by saying “Mommy is not this classy.”

Jimmy Fallon: This week a professional clown is Saugerties, New York- [ pie is thrown at him ] Guys! Way too early! Way too early! We rehearsed this like a million times. Wait until the punch line. The punch line is: he got hit in the face with the pie. [ another pie is thrown at him ] I’m just saying what the punch line is. Let’s just uh, let’s just try it again.

Uh, this week a man in Saugerties, New York- [ another pie is thrown at him ] We won’t. we just won’t do it!

Tina Fey: Jimmy, don’t worry. We’ll just try it again next week!

Jimmy Fallon: No. Okay. For Weekend Update I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thanks to Nicole Richards for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

M-TV 4

Ian….Horatio Sanz
Lead singer….Cameron Diaz
Girl #1….Rachel Dratch
Girl #2….Maya Rudolph
Girl #3….Tina Fey
Girl #4….Amy Poehler

Ian: Salutations, my sheep-like followers! I’m Ian, and this is MTV4! That’s right, MTV4! MTV4 is so hip and underground; you can’t call your local cable company to get it. You just turn on your TV, and if it’s there, well, you must be cool enough. All right, if you’re looking at me right now that means that MTV4 picked you! So congratulations or whatever. Today on our World Music Showcase, we feature a band called…eeerrkch…Crash Papayas! They’re chicks, and they’re Japanese, and they’re super-duper underground. So don’t turn your front and lie that you’ve heard ’em, because you haven’t, suckas! Give it up for Crash Papayas!

(All members of the group giggle)

Crash Papayas: Thank you, thank you.

Lead Singer: One Two Three!

(Crazy music starts)

Lead singer: Peaches On My Eyes!

All members: Go To Bed!

Lead Singer: Rough Dogs have Bumps!

All members: Go to bed!

Lead Singer: Bad Gutless Purse!

All Members: Orange Smile!

Lead Singer: Disposable Weather Cock!

(Music stops)

(All members giggle)

All members: Omi gato, thank you.

Girl #2: Next song very romantic.

Lead Singer: Up yours! OKAY? One Two Three Faaa!

(Crazy music starts)

Lead Singer: Raw Egg Biscuit Factory!

All Members: NOOO!

Lead Singer: Chipped Stew on the Wall!

All Members: NOOO!

Lead Singer: Pink Purple Green Yellow!

All Members: RARR!

Lead Singer: Bad Angel Why You So Bad?

All Members: OY!

(Music stops)

(All members giggle)

Crash Papaya: Thank you, thank you.

Girl #1: Next song is cover.

Girl #2: Oak-a-ridge-boys-eh. El-el-el…

All Members: Elvira. Elvira!!

Lead singer: Dedicated to New York Citayyy!

All Members: Go Yankees. Go Yankees!!

Girl #1: Nobody beats de Wiz.

Lead Singer: Up yours! OKAY? One Two Three Faaa!

(Crazy music starts)

All Members: Aaaaaaaaaahh…

(Music stops)

All members: Elvira!

All Members: Giddy Up. Thank you. Omi gato.

Ian: Wow! Your sound is so new and hot, if I tried to put it into words, I’d explode!

Lead Singer: Very good.

Ian: So, it’s your first visit to the United States. What do you guys plan to do?

Lead Singer: Hot Dog!

Girl #2: um…Suitcase!

Girl #3: Hand Lotion!

Lead Singer: America’s funniest videos!

Girl #(?): A white castle, sulky Chan, au calamite. Go down the Rolla coaster. (??)

Ian: Okay…good luck with that. Well, I hope you kick ass on your American tour! Hey, who directed your new video?

Lead singer: Sean.uh.Puffy…Combs.

Girl #3: No, no! Sean John!

Girl #2: No P. Diddy!

All Members: P. Diddy!! P.Diddy!!

Ian: Great! You’re watching MTV4 and. (looks at watch)…we’re not cool anymore. MTV4 is done; we’re shutting it down! All right! Maybe we’ll see you on MTV5!!

All Members: Bye!!

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Mrs. Attebury

Mrs. Ginger Attebury…..Ana Gasteyer
Mr. Leslie Attebury…..Will Ferrell
Kathy Winthrop…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Kurt al-Darwis…..Chris Kattan

Mrs. Attebury: I don’t know what possessed you to wear white socks, Leslie. You look like a bus driver.

Mr. Attebury: No one is going to be looking at my feet, Ginger.

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, didn’t Margarita leave you any dark socks?

Mr. Attebury: Well, I’d like to thank you for berating me right before my birthday party.

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, look! Here’s Kathy Winthrop! Hi, Kathy!

(Enter Kathy Winthrop)

Kathy: Hi! How are you? Oh, if it isn’t the birthday boy himself!

Mrs. Attebury: Well, at least he was two months ago. I mean, I had to postpone this whole shindig like up-teen times. First that terrorist business, and if that wasn’t enough, Minolo, my pastry chef, gets run over by a bicycle.

Mr. Attebury: I never said I wanted a party, Ginger.

Kathy: I mean, can the international news be more inconvenient these days? I mean, this whole war thing is like, too much. Don’t you just love it?

Mrs. Attebury: I can’t stand it! I mean, you don’t have to tell me. I mean, I had to move this whole affair over to the club at the last minute. We received a suspicious package from Sotheby’s. So, I had to truck in a whole haz-mat squad to decontaminate the entire house. I mean, you just can’t take any chances. You just can’t.

Kathy: I know. People seem to just be going crazy. I heard that Charlie McCatcher and his wife started experiencing double vision at the same time. They immediately go to the doctor, assuming they have the anthrax. Turns out it was only their cook, who had been trying to poison them. Isn’t that just dreadful? I mean, don’t you love it?

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, that is just deluxe! I love it! I mean, people are just so skiddish these days. It seems like everyone is just overreacting.

Mr. Attebury: You mean like sending an entire haz-mat team over to the house?

Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. It’s just too much. You know who is really overreacting is those postal workers.

Kathy: Yeah! I mean, talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Mr. Attebury: I’m going to the bar. (Walks away)

Mrs. Attebury: Grab me another splash, would you darling? Now, just so you know: Leslie has invited a few friends from the office, one of whom is apparently of Persian decent.

Kathy: Oh, my! What a coincidence! I thought I had a Persian gardener for six years until I found out he was Mexican.

Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. You might want to mind your p’s and q’s when it comes to the recent unpleasantness. I wouldn’t mention anything about wars, or caves, or turbans, or any of that kind of thing. Les! Oh! Les, over here!

(Mr. Attebury comes back with Kurt al-Darwis)

Mr. Attebury: Ladies, this is Kurt al-Darwis.

Kathy: Well, look at you! Without the turban, I can tell you’re one of the good ones!

Mrs. Attebury: (laughs) But seriously, I mean, you must be in a real pickle right now. I mean, who do you root for in this little tennis match? I mean, your new homeland or the folks back home in the caves?

Mr. Attebury: You’re a regular ambassador, Ginger.

Kurt: No, it’s alright. Actually, I was born in Wisconsin. My grandfather was Lebanese.

Kathy: Well, you must be familiar with some of these customs. I mean, I know your people have done some pretty horrible things, but you have to admit that they do know how to make the most wonderful rugs!

Kurt: Excuse me?

Mrs. Attebury: And I know, it’s true. Sign me up for one of those head to toe, full length numbers. I mean, believe me, the way I look some mornings I’d just rather throw one of those things on and be donw with the whole thing!

Kathy: Maybe they should start carrying those at Talbots!

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, they should! Wouldn’t that be a neat cross-cultural thing! Kurt, now do your wives have to wear those things?

Kurt: Well, actually my wife is a Methodist, so, no.

Mrs. Attebury: Now, Kurt, don’t take this the wrong way….

Mr. Attebury: I’m sure he will.

Mrs. Attebury: …But I just have to ask you, did you take a lot of gus from your family for shaving off that long beard?

Kurt: Beard? Right…

Mr. Attebury: Scotch?

Kurt: Yes, thank you!

Kathy: Now, tell me Kurt, have you taken your pilgrimage yet?

Kurt: Uh, no, actually…..

Kathy: I know personally I feel the same way about the back room at Lohman’s. It’s like my own personal little Mecca.

(Kathy and Mrs. Attebury laugh)

Kurt: Well, I think that I have a magic lamp that needs polishing. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hop on my camel and go.

(Kurt leaves)

Mrs. Attebury: Hmph! Well, now I know how Salman Rushdie must feel.

Kathy: Talk about touching!

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, wasn’t that too much?

Kathy: I know!

Mrs. Attebury: I love it!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Maureen…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Photographer…..Amy Poehler
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Teacher…..Tina Fey

Sully: Hey, Tommy! Tommy, is it on? What’s up? This is Pat Sullivan at the Lexington High School Fall Formal! My boy Tommy and I are officially covering it for our video yearbook. I am sporting my signature cream-colored tux, as well as the top hat I bought last summer at Hats in the Belfry in Quincy, Mahkets. David Lee Roth, eat yah heart out!

[ Denise enters scene ]

Denise: Oh, my Gahd! Sully, I scoped it out! Apparently, your $35 gets you chips, pretzels and English muffin pizzas. Four-star cuisine? I beg to differ!

Sully: Luckily, Denise and I bring a party with us wherever we go!

Denise: Oh, yeah! These are my own creation. Zazoo’s famous Sharks-in-a-Blanket. Simply soak an everyday hot dog bun in Vodka, and enjoy!

Sully: To passersby, you appear to be simply eating a bag of hot dog buns.

Denise: Yeah! This near-perfect food coats your stomach as it inebriates.

Sully: My girl is a genius! Denise, you are a vision of juggery. Tell the video yearbook who you are wearing.

Denise: Alright, this is a two-tone acetate creation, that was purchased during a rare, yet torturous, mother-daughter shopping spree at Brisbon’s.

Sully: May I say, that dress is gonna look wicked good crumpled up on the soccer field behind the junior high!

Denise: You ah so retahded!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]

[ Maureen enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd! Denise, I have an emergency, I am totally freaking out!

Sully: What a shockah.

Denise: Calm down, Mo. Settle, settle!

Sully: Denise’s best friend, Maureen. While she is empirically hot, she is more dramatic than a hospital scene in a Mexican soap opera.

Denise: Unload yah problems on Dr. Zazoo. Zazoo!

Maureen: I just felt so wicked guilty, Denise. I nevah should have come here tonight without Scottie.

Denise: Oh, my Gahd. Maureen is unaccompanied tonight because her long-time boyfriend Scottie is in federal custody for mailing a parcel of baking powder to Mr. Mirge.

Sully: Although Mirge is in perfect health, the authorities did detect trace amounts of brown spores in his jahkey shorts!

Maureen: Scottie Donovan has no link to the Al-Quaida network, and it will be proven so in a court of lawh! [ crying ] Oh, my Gahd.. Scottie is such a sweethaht, and I’m so totally about to cheat on him with Shane DeSalvo!

Denise: Maureen, you can survive one night by yourself! Come on!

Sully: When Denise went to Regionals for softball, I busied myself with other prahjects. Sometimes I busied myself four or five times a day. On one occasion, my mother caught me busying myself to a particularly fetching photo of Sela Wahd on the cover of “Redbook”.

Maureen: Eugh!

Denise: You ah so gross!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]

Maureen: Denise, I’m not as strong as you! Scottie is the mirror which reflects my self-esteem, and without his loving gaze, I am all but forced to turn to the waiting arms and probing tongue of Mr. Shane DeSalvo.

Denise: Maureen, you gotta be yah own person!

Sully: Hey, Tommy, get a shot of this! I can make her ahm look like a butt! [ folds her arm over to demonstrate ]

Denise: Look, Maureen, you gotta respect yourself before anybody else is gonna respect you.

Maureen: Zazoo, you ah so smaht. I’m gonna go under the bleachers and tell Shane no.

Denise: Alright. Good girl.

[ Maureen exits ]

Sully: Crisis averted. Now, no formal would be complete without professional quality photos to preserve your memories and her mammories.

Denise: Shut up!

Sully: You shut up! [ they make out as he carries her to the backdrop ] This year’s theme is Crisp Autumn Nights/United We Party. So the Mirecker Photo Company has provided a backdrop of both fall foliage and a picture of Congress.

Photographer: Oh, my Gahd! Oh, hi, how are you kids, you look gorgeous. How about it, huh? Tie me a life, right?

Denise: Yeah..

Photographer: Alright. Put your ahms around her, alright, great. I want you to cock your head a little bit to the left, alright? I need ya to cock it. Alight? Give me a little more cock, I need a little bit more cock.

Sully: Tommy, are you getting this!

[ Tommy nods ]

Photographer: Alright, over here, now. Here’s a birdie, watch her. [ snaps picture ] Good, alright, you’re on.

Sully: Hold on, uh.. I gotta get a shot with my other escort for the evening. [ turns around to reveal “Nomar 5” painted on his tux ] Nomar!! Nomar, baby!!

Denise: Oh, my Gahd, Sully, you’re gonna lose your deposit!

Sully: Nuh-uh! I’m gonna dye the tux black before I return it.

Denise: Oh, good thinking.

Sully: Yeah.

[ Maureen re-enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd, Denise, I’m having a conniption! Frank offered me a sip of his drink, and it turns out he crushed up his cat’s asthma medicine and mixed it with Sunny D! I feel kinda dizzy! Oh, my Gahd, am I gonna die!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No! Seriously, Mo, cut the hystrionics, you’re not gonna perish!

Sully: Nothing to worry about. Frank’s been eating cat pills for years. The only side effect is super-human night vision.

[ Frank enters scene ]

Frank: Hey, Maureen. I can see through your dress.

Maureen: I swear to Gahd, Frank. When the FBI releases Scottie, he is gonna kick your ass so hard!

Frank: Nuh-uh. I can see through a door, I would know if he was coming. And I’d be waiting for him with my nunchucks!

Denise: [ looking ] Oh, my Gahd! Hide the contraband! Here comes Ms. Polaski!

[ Teacher enters ]

Teacher: Hey, whaddaya got there, hot dog buns?! Yeah, I’m on to you, Sullivan! Your wet buns better have a weiner in them!

Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy nods ]

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. Tonight, I speak not only to you, the American people, but, through the cooperation of the Al-Jezzera network, to the people of the Arab world as well. You see, for too long our nation has failed to join the battle for world opinion and has allowed propaganda and lies from the enemies of freedom to go unanswered. As a result, throughout the Arab world, people believe terrible things about America that just aren’t so. It’s time to expose some of these myths for the lies they are.

Myth number one: The belief all too common in the Middle East that Operation Enduring Freedom is somehow a war on Islam. This is simply untrue. While it does appear that several of the September 11th hijackers were Muslim, believe me, I wasn’t even aware until somebody mentioned it the other day, that Islam is popular in Afghanistan as well. In any case, why would our nation be at war with Islam? If you read the Quran, as I do almost constantly, you’d know that Islam is a religion of peace. Also, many prominent Americans are Muslim. For example, former Minnesota Vikings reciever Ahmed Rashad. So, so there you are. America is definitely not at war with Islam.

Myth number two, or dos: The claim most recently reported in the Egyptian newspaper Al-Aram, that the events of September 11th did not take place, or, that if they did, it was an attempt by the British Secret Service to assassinate Princess Di and Dodi Fayed, having botched the operation four years ago. I checked this out: not true.

Myth number three: Again, believed by all too many in the Arab world, that America only cares about the Middle East because of its oil. False. America is interested in your part of the world for a number of reasons, but mostly, as I mentioned earlier, because Ahmed Rashad is a Muslim.

Myth number four, cuatro: Reported this week in the Pakistani press that the United States will insist that Penthouse publisher Bob Guccioni will be part of any post-Taliban government. Simply not true. That is for the people of Afghanistan to decide. Although, he is a good man. And like me, reads the Quran constantly.

Myth number five: Believed almost everywhere in the Arab world and even in parts of our own country, that if you burp, fart and sneeze at the same time, you will die. False. It’s false! According to the head of the Center for Disease Control, you can’t even do it. It’s impossible! It really is. Physical impossiblity.

Myth number six: According to polls, some 90 percent of the Arab world believes that some years ago, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Saddam Hussein and the Sultan of Brunei were kidnapped by the CIA and replaced by Israeli look-alikes and that later these look-alikes were killed and replaced by Israeli robots, one of which is a lesbian robot. Also, one of the robots is invisible. Let me just say that this is, at best, a gross simplification of the truth. There’s a lot more to that story than that! And, anyway, it happened during the Clinton administration.

Myth number seven: Also believed by many Arabs, that moustaches on women are sexy. Now, I went back and forth about including this one. It’s not exactly a myth, just a personal preference I don’t happen to share. But in any event, that is for the Afghani people to decide.

And finally, myth number eight: Believed by many in your part of the world, that “Saturday Night Live” is taped before a live audience, a live studio audience for later rebroadcast. It’s not true. As a matter of fact.. (in Arabic) ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Fiesta Politica

Carmelo (Announcer)…..Horatio Sanz
Rebecca…..Maya Rudolph
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Patricia Veleez…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Man with Gary, the dog…..Tracy Morgan

Carmelo: Now it’s time for Fiesta Politica with your host, Rebecca!

Rebecca: (singing and dancing surrounded by men)
“Caliente, men are hot!
Caliente, men are hot!
¿Que? Hot things are hot!
Hot, hot, hot! ¡Oy!”

Carmelo: Ooh! Rebecca!

Rebecca: Oy, gracias, Carmelo!

Carmelo: Ok!

Rebecca: Ok. Time now to get serious. This is my political talk show, where we talk about the politics. Now … let’s …. do it! Ay, ay, ay! (Sits down) Seriously now, serious, I am seriously about this. My first guest is from the politics, Donald Rumsfeld! Ay, Donald!

(Enter Donald Rumsfeld)

Donald Rumsfeld: (mumbling to self) What the hell?

Rebecca: Hola! So, Donald, you do the politics?

Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, I’m the United States Secretary of Defense. I’m touring Latin America explaining the U.S. position in the Middle East.

Rebecca: Oh, ok. Now what is like being the male secretary?

Donald Rumsfeld: (shakes head) I’m not exactly a male secretary. It’s more complex than that.

Rebecca: You know what I think is complex? Is the men. They have the nice muscles, and their beautiful fingers, and of course, their gorgeous bananas!

Carmelo: Ooh! (Stuffs a banana in his mouth) Bananas!

Donald Rumsfeld: What the hell kind of place is this?

(Doorbell rings)

Rebecca: Oy! Who is it? It’s a surprise! It’s a surprise! Come in.

(Enter Patricia Veleez)

Patricia Veleez: Hola!

Rebecca: Oh my goodness! It’s Patricia Veleez from show de television’s “Noches de Amor!” Hola, Patricia!

Patricia Veleez: Hola! I went from one TV show to a different TV show. Two TV shows. Two TV shows!

(Rebecca and Patricia scream in excitement)

Rebecca: It’s wonderful! Welcome to the show! Patricia, this is politic, Donald Rumsfeld!

Patricia Veleez: Ooh!

Donald Rumsfeld: Ladies, I think there is a misunderstanding. I was told that this was a political show.

Rebecca: Yes, we are really going to get down to the gritty nitties of the politics. But first!

(Patricia and Rebecca grab microphones and the men from earlier come back out dancing again)

Patricia Veleez: Sing!

Rebecca: Come on, Donald!

Patricia and Rebecca: (singing)
“Can you feel it?”

Donald Rumsfeld: (interrupting) What the hell?

Patricia and Rebecca: (still singing)
“Can you feel it?
I’m on fire,
Grab your coat, now,
Put it out now!”

Patricia Veleez: Ay, madre!

Carmelo: Ooh! She said “put it out!!”

Rebecca: Oh my goodness! This is the best political talk show I ever have!

Patricia Veleez: I never liked the politics, but when I sing and dance about it I feel, ooh! Ay, madre! What about you, Donald?

Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t have any idea what you are talking about, but by God, it’s refreshing!

Rebecca: Patricia, tell us about your role on “Noches de Amor.”

Patricia Veleez: I play Cristina and Pescina Morales. They are very wealthy twins, and one is evil.

Rebecca: Ok. (Whistle blows in background) Oh, no! I can’t believe this is happening!

Patricia Veleez: Ay!

Donald Rumsfeld: What’s going on?

Rebecca: Everybody, it’s Gary!

(Man comes out pushing a cart with a small chihuahua on it)

Rebecca and Patricia Veleez: Hola Gary!

Donald Rumsfeld: Hi Gary!

Carmelo: Ooh! Gary!

Man: That’s right everyone! Gary has a haircut!

Rebecca: Oh my goodness! Hola Gary! You just keep getting prettier! Oh, my baby! Oh, Gary. Adios, Gary! Bye, bye, my baby!

Donald Rumsfeld: Bye, Gary!

Patricia Veleez: Now, Donald. Tell us about the Northern Alliance’s taking of Mazar-e-Sharif!

Donald Rumsfeld: Look, why don’t you just forget Ubekistan ….. you gals are lovely, lonely, and damn, you’re fine! God bless you!

Rebecca: Come on, Donald! Here’s the fun part! Come on!
(singing)
“Fiesta Politica! Fiesta Politica!”

Donald Rumsfeld: What?

Rebecca: I love it! Thank you so much for joining!

(Rumsfeld dances with Gary as Patricia and Rebecca sing)

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 507.

By now, the lion was only a few yards behind me, and gaining fast. If I could make it to the cliff, I would jump and hope I landed in the river below. I jumped, and the lion, unable to stop, fell with me. He caught up with me in midair, and began mauling me. We splashed into the foaming river, and the lion swam over and mauled me some more. I heard the sound of the approaching waterfall. If I could only.. no.. too late. Dead.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 12th, 2002

Josh Hartnett

Pink

None

Buddy the Dog Memorial Service

Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) offers eulogy for deceased dog Buddy

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Josh Hartnett’s Monologue

Jimmy Fallon advises Hartnett not to adopt a new image.

Wake Up, Wakefield

Zack Bodorf’s (Hartnett) growth spurt wakens Megan’s (Maya Rudolph) interest.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion, Randy Goldman.

The Laura Bengal Covington Story

Lifetime movie about Covington’s (Ana Gasteyer) interest in stepson (Hartnett).

TV Funhouse

X-Presidents and Ambiguously Gay Duo team up to snare Osama bin Laden.

The Shout Out! Show

Grand Master Freddy (Tracy Morgan) offers unnecessary shout outs to the community.

Pink performs “Get The Party Started”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Maya Angelou (Tracy Morgan) espouses off-topic birthday card greetings.

Henley (Horatio Sanz) & Stiles (Chris Kattan) can’t do routine via satellite.

HBO First Look

“Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones features N*Sync.

Captain of Impressions

Airline captain (Hartnett) stalls passengers by doing impressions.

My Best List for 2001

Wax and Dracula sponsorships hinder legitimacy of Jack Handey’s list items.

Pink performs “Don’t Let Me Get Me”

Playboy’s Movie Showcase

“Burqua Baddies” features Yeman face pornography.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 13th, 2002

The Rock

Andrew W.K.

None

Andrew W.K., “Party Hard”

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bush (Will Ferrell) offers horny men and women for suicide bombers.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

The Rock’s Monologue

Rock regrets daring Chris Kattan to punch him in the face.

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) thinks parrot is trying to impersonate him.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

The Scorpion King

Scorpion King’s (Rock) son (Seth Meyers) longs to be accepted by his father.

Arthur Anderson Ad

Arthur Anderson firm can help people avoid paying their taxes.

Hardball

Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) continues to make fun of his guests.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begalia.

Drunk Girl

Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) and friend (Rock) wander through Studio 8-H.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

The Subway

Via song, passenger (Maya Rudolph) and derelict (Tracy Morgan) insult one another.

The Girl With No Gaydar

Nicole (Rachel Dratch) doesn’t realize she’s looking for men in gay bar.

Recurring Characters: Nicole.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Gene Shalit makes puns to describe attack on his house by bears.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit.

Andrew W.K. performs “Party Hard”

All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Bigfoot & Neil Diamond

Bigfoot (Rock) has recorded cover album with Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond.

America Undercover

White trash couple (Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler) fight doctors in hospital.

Andrew W.K. performs “I Get Wet”

A Message From “Saturday Night Live”

Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan perform a new ditty.

SNL Transcripts

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

The O’Reilly Factor

Bill O’Reilly…..Jeff Richards
Thomas Woodward…..Chris Parnell
Susan van Etten…..Amy Poehler

Bill O’Reilly: Hello, everybody, I’m Bill O’Reilly, thank you for watching The Factor. Our top story tonight: Was bankrupt energy giant Enron responsible for the power shortage last year that rocked California? My next guest says no, it was the “environmentalists”. He’s Thomas Woodward, an attorney with the American Enterprise Institute. Mr. Woodward, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Thomas Woodward: My pleasure, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, uh, Mr. Woodward, in your article, you say that environmentalists simply refuse to acknowledge California’s growing need for electricity.

Thomas Woodward: That’s right.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that California has more people than any other state. I say New York State has more people – tell me where I’m wrong!

Thomas Woodward: [ confused ] Um.. well.. Bill.. actually, California is the most populous state.

Bill O’Reilly: I don’t know, Counselor. I live in New York, and I walk down the streets every day, and there’s people everywhere! You can’t move! You know what I mean? Last week, I was in California, went to the beach in Malibu. Nobody! Practically empty. So, for my money, New York’s got more people. Probably New Jersey, too.

Thomas Woodward: Well, Bill, your own experience nonwithstanding, each of the last four censuses has clearly shown –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, not buying it! Not buying it!

Thomas Woodward: Bill, I swear to you, California is our largest state!

Bill O’Reilly: Look, Mr. Woodward, you’ve got your opinion, I’ve got mine. We’re not gonna settle this tonight.

Thomas Woodward: Actually, we could setlle this tonight! Do you have an almanac?

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, nice try. But I’ll give you the last word.

Thomas Woodward: Is there someone else here I could talk to?

Bill O’Reilly: Thanks for coming on The Factor.

Next up on The Factor, our Unresolved Problem segment. Once again, the ongoing saga of San Francisco Giants slugger, Barry Bonds. As you know, Mr. Bonds has repeatedly claimed that, during the 2001 baseball season, he hit 73 home runs. We here at The Factor very much doubt this. We even invited him on the show to argue his case, but he keeps ducking us! Mr. Bonds, by your continued refusal to appear on The Factor and take the heat, you have proven that you’re not only a liar, but a coward as well. And even if you had hit 73 home runs, it’s still a far cry from the 755 Hank Aaron hit in 1974. And that’s tonight’s Unresolved Problems.

Now, in our Back of the Book segment: Is human activity really changing Earth’s atmosphere? Our next guest thinks so. She’s Susan van Etten, Professor of Environmental Sciences at Tulane University. Miss van Etten, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Susan van Etten: Thank you, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, when you say greenhouse gasses, what are we talking about here.

Susan van Etten: Well, principally, Bill, carbon dioxide or CO2 –

Bill O’Reilly: Hold it, hold it, Professor! CO2?

Susan van Etten: Yes. Bill, you see, as the result of most industrial processes, carbon combines with oxygen.

Bill O’Reilly: Oh, sorry, Professor, not buying it. I know that’s a byline, but I’m just not buying it. You’ve got carbon, you’ve got oxygen. And my gut tells me, when push comes to shove, oxygen is just not gonna combine with a carbon. I don’t care what you do to the carbon!

Susan van Etten: Well.. Bill.. under intense heat, carbon does –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Professor, I just don’t buy it! But let’s move on. You say in your piece that greenhouse gasses have been found on the top of Mount Everest.

Susan van Etten: That’s correct.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that Mount Everest is the world’s tallest mountain peak. I say the world’s tallest peak is Space Mountain – tell me where I’m wrong!

Susan van Etten: [ stunned ] Space Mountain?

Bill O’Reilly: Space Mountain! In the Pocano Mountain Range, part of Joshua Tree National Park in Alaska? Where am I wrong?

Susan van Etten: Okay.. um.. first of all, Space Mountain is not a mountain. I beleive it’s a roller coaster. Also, the Pocano Mountains are in Pennsylvania, and are not part of any national park, least of all Joshua Tree National Park, which has mountains. And it’s in California, not Alaska.

Bill O’Reilly: Hey, have you ever been to Alaska, Professor?

Susan van Etten: Bill, I was just explaining –

Bill O’Reilly: I’m sorry, Professor! I asked you a simple question: Have you ever been to Alaska?

Susan van Etten: [ meekly ] No.

Bill O’Reilly: Well, I appreciate you’re coming on The Factor. And I’ll give you the last word.

Susan van Etten: Uh..

[ time’s up ]

Bill O’Reilly: And now for a look at our Viewer Mail, about a story on overcrowding in kindergarten classrooms.

Janet Miller of Park City, Utah writes: “Bill, normally I’m a fan of ‘The Factor’s’ hard hitting style, but your interview with the five-year old girl about class size was a little too rough. Telling her she was ‘out of her mind’ was simply uncalled for.”

Janet, here at The Factor, we pull no punches, When you come on the show, you gotta know that.

Ed Gekas, Emhurst, Illinois: “Bill, your tough, incisive questions had that five year old girl squirming. The bottom line is, you had the facts. She didn’t.”

And finally, Paul Jemino of Islip, New York writes: “Bill, even though the girl hurt her case by crying, she was right, and you were wrong. Albany, not New York City, is the capital of New York State.”

Well, Paul, I thank you for watching. But I still say New York City is the state capital. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

And finally, our Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: This week, Congress voted $1.2 million of your tax dollars to the University of Iowa to study breast cancer! Come on! Don’t study it, guys. Cure it! Ridiculous! [ laughs ] Well, that’s all the time we have for The Factor. As always, we thank you for watching. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Good night.

SNL Transcripts