Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Bill Callahan…..Jimmy Fallon
Denny McClain……The Rock
[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)
[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! I’m Brian Fellow! Tonight we are gonna meet some animals that are exciting and enjoy a good time. So let’s get going! Our first guest enjoys singing and being in a cage. Please welcome a parrot!!
(Bill Callahan enters with a parrot in a cage.)
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Bill Callahan: Well I’m Bill Callahan from the Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.
Brian Fellow: The what?
Bill Callahan: The….Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.
Brian Fellow: Is that in Newport?
Bill Callahan: (obviously confused) Yes. Yes it is.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Bill Callahan: Brian, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. He’s an Amazon Yellow Nape that goes by the name of Baily. What do ya’ say, Baily?
Parrot: Hello!
Brian Fellow: That bird just talked!
Bill Callahan: That’s right, the parrot is able to mimic human speech patterns.
Brian Fellow: That’s crazy!
Parrot: Hello!
Brian Fellow: He just did it again!
Bill Callahan: You know, Baily and I are big fans of the show, and we worked up a special treat for you. Would you like to see it?
Brian Fellow: Would I?
Bill Callahan: (not knowing how to respond)…..Hey pretty bird, hey pretty bird! Who are you?
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: (upset) That bird is a liar!
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: He’s startin’ to make me mad! He better shut up!
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: NO YOU’RE NOT!
Bill Callahan: Hey, I’m- I’m sorry, I taught him how to say that, I thought you would like it.
Brian Fellow: He’s an imposter, cause I’M Brian Fellow!
Parrot: I’M Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: That’s it, take him away! This is my show! That bird is not funny, and I better not see him again! (To camera) Hopefully we will fix this in editing! (He then makes a weird hand motion which receives much laughter from the audience.) Our next guest eats crickets and can be seen in a horror movie. Please welcome a tarantula!
(The Rock walks in with a tarantula in a cage)
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Denny McClain: I’m Denny McClain and I’m from the Exotic Animals Exhibit at the Detroit Zoo.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Oh, howdy Brian. I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Quinton.
Brian Fellow: That’s one fuzzy bug.
Denny McClain: Well actually he’s an adult Brown Desert tarantula.
Brian Fellow: If I had a bug like that, I’d make a coat out of him!
Denny McClain: (confused) Actually, that wouldn’t be a good idea, because his tiny hairs are irritant to human skin.
Brian Fellow: Did you see that loud mouth bird?
(Denny nods his head)
Brian Fellow: I don’t know what he told you, but he is NOT Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Um, I di-didn’t talk to the bird.
Brian Fellow: No matter what he says, he is not my doppleganger!
Denny McClain: Wh-What’s a doppleganger?
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Yes, and I’m Denny, and we’re here talking about my tarantula, Quinton.
Brian Fellow: Now I understand that in order to grow, a spider must molt. Tell us about that.
Denny McClain: Thats right. That’s right Brian, like a snake a spider has to shed its skin to grow larger. Now what happens-
(The “loud mouth parrot” is seen above Brian Fellow’s head in a thought bubble talking on a phone)
Parrot: I want a new stereo with a tape player and really big speakers sent to my birdhouse! And send me the bill! I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: Hang up that phone!
Denny McClain: Sc-Scuse me?
Brian Fellow: That bird was tryin’ to buy a stereo with my credit card!
Denny McClain: Um, of course he is. Uh, now-now as I was saying, during the molting process the tarantula is extremely vulnerable to prey.
Brian Fellow: That bird better PRAY he don’t screw up my credit!
Denny McClain: What are you talking about?
Brian Fellow: I’m just gonna go get a BB gun and shoot that bird’s eyes out!
Denny McClain: L-L-Look I don’t think you have to worry about that bird impersonating you.
Brian Fellow: Really?
Denny McClain: Yeah, really.
Brian Fellow: I guess you’re right.
(The bird appears above his head again)
Parrot: Hello, QVC? This is Brian Fellow. I want to buy a birdcage with bars made of solid gold! My credit card number is five four eight four-
Brian Fellow: Stop it!!
Denny McClain: Now what?
Brian Fellow: You don’t know anything about birds, mister!…..Well we’re out of time. I want to thank that fuzzy bug for coming by but not the bird! Join me next week when we will meet a pot-bellied pig. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!
Parrot: (in background) I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: I’m gonna kill that motha-(and he leaves the set)
Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!
