[ Chevy Chase, Martin Short and Steve Martin walk onto the stage; Martin and Steve are dressed in tuxedos, but Chevy appears in his old “Three Amgigos” costume, alarmed to discover he’s the only one ]
Chevy Chase: Wait a minute. Didn’t we have a conference call and discuss this, where we were all gonna wear the Amigo costumes?
Martin Short: No, no. Remember, we talked about it and we decided it would seem very desperate and sad.
Chevy Chase: I mean, does it seem desperate and sad? I –
Steve Martin: [ shakes head ]
Martin Short: Yes. Frighteningly sad. Anyway! Let’s get on with it, shall we? I think what the audience really wants to see is the salute!
Alec Baldwin: None of us would be here tonight if it weren’t for Lorne Michaels.
[ audience applauds ]
He created this show as a safe place for all of us to work, and we owe him a debt of gratitude. But I guarantee you that there is not one person here tonight who hasn’t imitated him or made jokes about him behind his back. Hey, he’s the boss, you’re supposed to make fun of him. Here’s another swipe at the old man.
[ thunderous applause, as Laraine Newman and Dan Aykroyd prepare to speak ]
Laraine Newman: Some people think of John Belushi as this Tazmanian beast flowing through life like a hurricane.
Dan Aykroyd: And he was.
Laraine Newman: But he could be so sweet, too. Uh.. he once gave me this marshmallow tin. [ holds it up ] And, after I moved to L.A., John turned up unexpectedly one night, and gave me this very hard to find Johnny Taylor blues 45, because he remembered I’d loved it years before.
Dan Aykroyd: [ glum ] That was mine.
Laraine Newman: And, by the way, both these items are available for sale on eBay, along with, you know, lots of other stuff that Belushi left at my house.
Dan Aykroyd: Hey, check out the web site at www.stuffbelushileftatmyhouse.com. But, first, please watch this.
[ Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp take the stage in front of their keyboard and microphone ]
Marty Culp: Test.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test.
Marty Culp: Test, 1, 2.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oops! We’ve got a real hot mike up here.
Marty Culp: Can we work on that? No? Alright.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: There seems to be a little kafuffle backstage, so we thought we’d just jump up here and cover with some ad libs. I’m Bobbi Mohan-Culp.
Marty Culp: And I’m Marty Culp. We head up the Music Department at Alta Dina Middle School.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We sure do. Yeah.
Marty Culp: How’s about we stir up some musical fun for you, folks. Who likes sing-a-longs? Raise your hands real high.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Sing-a-longs? Anyone?
Marty Culp: Nobody?
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No?
Marty Culp: No one? Fair enough. Okay. We realize we have a room full of class clowns here.. but there’s really nothing funny about the middle finger.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No. And, uh.. that also includes you, Mr. Joe Pis-co-po.
Marty Culp: I don’t know about you people, but Bobbi and I remember the first “Saturday Night Live” very vividly.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We sure do. It was the first and only night we ever took grass, so.. so, needless to say, we really got a charge out of the skits.
Marty Culp: We really did.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Speed it along?
Marty Culp: Speed it along? Okay. And now, some young men we give an A for musicianship..
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.
Marty Culp: ..and probably a C for attitude.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.
Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Ladies and gentlemen.. Beastie Boys!
[ Mike Myers sits with Lorne Michaels in a back office ]
Mike Myers: Well, he’s not really based on you, Lorne. You know? He’s sort of an amalgam of a lot of different people.. who I, um.. who I respect and admire.
Lorne Michaels: Right. But did you have to name him Dr. Evil?
Mike Myers: [ laughs ] Well, that just happens to be his last name, you know? I mean.. Marvin Gaye is not gay, right?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah.
Mike Myers: And, you know, Dr. Evil’s a really likeable character, Lorne. I mean, he likes animals, he loves his son..
Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.
Mike Myers: And he loves power.. and money.. That’s good, right?
Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.
Mike Myers: Anyways, you know what? You know, Dr. Evil’s nothing like you, Lorne. I mean, you don’t have your “henchmen” kill people.
Lorne Michaels: No.. no, not since the 70’s.
[ Tim Meadows enters ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, Mike!
Lorne Michaels: Hey, Tim.
Tim Meadows: Hey, Dr. Evil!
Mike Myers: Hey, he’s not Dr. Evil, Tim! Okay? He’s not! Alright, buddy? Thank you! [ stands ] I mean, you’re not! You know? You’re not Dr. Evil! Okay? He’s so not Dr. Evil, it’s crazy how not Dr. Evil he is!
[ Mike exits ]
Lorne Michaels: Tim, should I be worried about this Dr. Evil thing?
Tim Meadows: [ sits ] No, Lorne. I don’t think a lot of people saw that movie.
[ Kevin Spacey enters ]
Kevin Spacey: Hey, Tim.
Tim Meadows: Hey.
Kevin Spacey: Hey, Lorne, you were great in “Austin Powers”, just so hilarious! Evil. Really funny.
Lorne Michaels: Thank you.
Kevin Spacey: And you were great, too, Mini Lorne Michaels.
[ camera zooms out to reveal a miniarure Lorne Michaels standing on a chair ]
Mini Lorne: Thanks, Kevin!
Lorne Michaels: How are you, Mini Lorne? Are you hungry? Would you like a Hot Pocket? Could I get a friggin’ Hot Pocket around here?!
[ Tim rushes out for a Hot Pocket, as Lorne and Mini Lorne bite their pinky finger ]
David Spade: Okay. Does everyone understand why I’m the only one getting paid tonight? Okay. There was some confusion.
Um.. it’s good to be here tonight. We’ve got Tom Hanks, Michael Douglas in the audience.. Don’t these TV people give you the creeps?I feel uneasy. Um.. no, I’m here to talk about Chris. I did two movies with Chris Faley – a funny one called “Tommy Boy”, and another one called “Black Sheep”. [ laughs ] And, uh, not only was Chris funny, but he was also business-savvy. When “Black Sheep” came out, we were trying to think of ways to raise awareness, something original. We had a great idea – when people sneezed, instead of saying “Bless you”, we’d say “Back Sheep!” It was almost too good. “Achoo! Black Sheep!” Yeah, that never really caught on, not even with friends. Actually, it was more Chris’ idea.
Uh.. but the saddest part about tonight, it’s hard to talk about him, but the truth is no one would have had a better time tonight, all around his buddies, everyone he loved here. And here’s one thing he did with Paul McCartney that I thought was funny.
Fernando: Saludos, my darlings! I am so crazy going nuts to be back, I’m telling you. As always, my nipples are hard, because after 25 years of living la vida loca, I still look mahvelous! I do! And I gotta tell you, darlings, some of you do, too. And you know who you are!
This is such a celebrity-infested night. I look around and I see so many greats. Look at this guy, look.
[ show Steve Martin ]
Phil Donahue. I gotta tell you. Say hi to Marlo, and I miss the phone calls when I would make believe I was somebody, and get you confused on the show. It’s so fabulous to see you. Who else is here? You see a lot of guests, look.
[ show Chris Rock ]
Eddie! Eddie, they said you weren’t coming, but you should be here, because when you did the Alfalfa, with the people going crazy going nuts, we all went nuts. But, darlings, some of the superstars here tonight, I look around the room, some of the beautiful people. I see a beautiful star right here – Miss Susan Sarandon.
[ show Susan Sarandon ]
But Susan here, you’re such a mahvelous actress. You make a non-sexy in a movie, that’s so hard to do. But you torture me tonight, darling, with the shawl and the high neck. On a cold night, like.. oh! Because you always look like they’re coming towards you like two puppies going for the chow. Do you know what I’m saying? They always look mahv-
[ show Gary Busey in the audience ]
Gary Busey! You’re alive! I cannot believe that you are alive! I’m so happy for you, but I lost ten bucks! I can’t believe that! Oh, that swings the whole pool! You have no lines, Gary, but it’s so great to see you. No, I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.. [ Gary stands comically menacingly ] No, sit down! Oh, look, the second coming! I mean, no, when you played the Buddy Jolly, everybody thought you were mahvelous, with the Academy Award.. Who else is here? Look at this. Look who’s up there.
[ show Glenn Close ]
Glenn Close. And I wish I was. Let me tell you something, darling, you look fabulous in a dress from the Geoff Chandler collection. But, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: if Helen Hayes is dead, and I believe she is, you are the First Lady of the American Theater. Now, I’m not kidding you, you are. Look who else is here. I am crazy going nuts!
[ show Susan St. James ]
It’s Susan St. James. Am I right? Is that you? It’s Susan! Let me tel you something. You are my favorite Charlie’s Angel, you are. Because you know why, darling? Because you are the smart one. And it’s a – Oh, God. I’ve got to leave the stage, look who’s here. I cannot believe this, I’m crazy going nuts!
[ Fernando walks over to where David Cone and David Wells are seated ]
Well, if it isn’t Mr. and Mr. Perfect. Look at this. David Cone and.. help me with that name.. David Wells, David Cone, New York Yankees, perfect game. But I’ve got to tlel you something, darlings. Can I sit on your lap just a second? [ sits ] This is from a baseball fan. I went to those perfect games, and I gotta tell you something. Nothing happens. There’s not a jit, there’s not a jomer, nothing. It’s a little boring. Now, you two guys owe something to the fans to have more exciting games than these games where nobody gets a hit and nobody get on. It’s boring! I sit there and go, “What the hell is this?” And I’m a Jankees fan, I’m a big Jankees fan. Tom Janks and I are big Jankees fan. And there’s a bone I have to pick with you, and apparently you’ve been picking some bones yourslf, look at you! I kid you, I’m a kidder! We miss you, we miss you here, David.
[ Fernando returns to the stage ]
Wait! Oh!
[ show Damnny DeVito in the audience ]
There is Danny DeVito. Hello, darling. Danny, we go back a long time. You are a good friend of mine, you are a little Pokemon, you are. No, I mean that! I want to find you in a Happy Meal and trade you with my friends. That’s how much I love to you.
[ sits ]
Oh, darlings, I gotta tell you. I love being back here, and like Errol Flynn used to say about love: Who cares if she’s 15? You know what I’m saying to you? That’s what he used to say.
[ Stage Manager Joe Dicso gives Fernando the signal to wrap things up ]
What is this? Oh, look at this, Joe Dicso – look at this. What are you telling me, that I need a tuck or a trim? No, he’s telling me that we have to go. But let me tell you something, darlings. As I’ve always said, it’s better to look good than to feel good. And now, let’s take a look at some clips, when we all looked mmmmuch younger. Ciao! I’ve got to mambo!
