Sting: In 1990, I began a decade-long tantric orgasm, that is expected to culminate on January the 1st of 2000, causing power outages and computer failures all over the world.
Steven Tyler: So, here’s some of the music they played on “Saturday Night Live” during Sting’s orgasm.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 2nd, 1999 Jerry Seinfeld David Bowie None Dean Winters Harold Perrineau J.K. Simmons Lee Tergesen A.J. Benza Rick Ludwin Perot’s Reform PartySummary: Ross Perot (Cheri Oteri) yuks it up with Pat Buchanan (Chris Parnell) and other contenders vying to be his Reform Party candidate. Recurring Characters: Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump. Transcript
Montage
Jerry Seinfeld’s MonologueSummary: Jerry Seinfeld jokes about how he has spent his post-sitcom days doing nothing more than watching reruns of “Wings” on cable. Transcript
Dillon/Edwards InvestmentsSummary: Because the investment was slow in gaining an internet presence, they were stuck with the last remaining web domain – clownpenis.fart. Transcript
Morning LatteRecurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye. Transcript
Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) falls for a Jewish boy (Jerry Seinfeld) on the basketball court. Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Sean Patrick Flannery, Shelley Peterbuilt. Transcript
Javis Home Security SystemsSummary: A mother (Ana Gasteyer) catches a stranger (Will Ferrell) diapering baby. Transcript
Action 8 News WatchSummary: News anchors Connor Stands (Jerry Seinfeld) and Taffy Davenport (ana Gasteyer) dangle teasers without explanation. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: >Weekend update’s Millennium profile rates sharks as having been highly influential in the last thousand years. Jerry Seinfeld debates Jerry Seinfeld (Jimmy Fallon) on The Gap. Recurring Characters: Jerry Seinfeld. Transcript
David Bowie performs “Thursday’s Child”
OzSummary: While in prison, Jerry Seinfeld relives most of his classic sitcom conundrums. Transcript
1-800-EAT-SHITSummary: A motorist (Will Ferrell) dials the rude “How’s My Driving?” phone numbers and is surprised to reach actual operators on the extension.
…and a Pizza PlaceSummary: The leftover portion of a sitcom title tries to survive the new season on its own merit. Recurring Characters: Andy Dick. Transcript
David Bowie performs “Rebel Rebel”
Keeping Him AliveSummary: To get a puke (Jerry Seinfeld) to talk, a thug (Will Ferrell) alternately kills and revives him. Transcript
[Scene of father helping son ride a bicycle for the first time, then, cut to the living room of their house]
Father: Trust, an important part of building a family, and an important part of building his future. That’s why I rely on Dillon/Edwards and Company. For nearly a century, investors on Wall Street have trusted Dillon and Edwards with their financial future. And now all of the resources from America’s oldest investment firm are available on-line. [Father is at the computer as the website appears, along with web address]Dillon and Edwards on the Internet, at www.clownpenis.fart. A lot of investment companies rushed onto the Internet, but Dillon and Edwards took their time. Sure, when they were ready, there was one web address left, but it’s one you can count on.
Jerry Seinfeld: It’s been an unbelievable week, thanks to David Bowie, A. J. Benza, this wonderful cast. My guys in L.A., Lorne Michaels. Let’s go Mets!!!!
[ scene opens in a baby’s bedroom, as a man changes a baby’s diaper ]
Man: When it came time to change my first diaper, I was pretty nervous. What kind of wipes should I use? Should I powder his little bottom? What if there’s redness? Well, there’s one thing I wasn’t nervous about.. and that was my choice of diapers. Dry Baby Disposals are the best. Even I know that. [ looking down at the baby ] Right, little guy?
[ the baby’s mother suddenly walks in ]
Mother: Who the hell are you?!
[ the stranger jumps out the window, as mother rushes to the baby’s crib ]
Announcer: Javis Home Security Systems. Because there are a lot of dirty creatures.
Announcer…Darrell Hammond Tom Wilkins…Will Ferrell Cass Van Rye…Cheri Oteri Eli Van Rye…Chris Parnell Dr. Jedediah Purdy…Jerry Seinfeld
[Morning Latte Credits]
Announcer: Good morning; grab a cup and get ready for Morning Latte!
Tom Wilkins: Woo!
Cass van Rye: Wow!
Tom Wilkins: Woo!
Cass van Rye: Geez!
Tom Wilkins: Woo!
Cass van Rye: Wow!
Tom Wilkins: Welcome to the Latte, I’m Tom Wilkins. What a tough morning!
Cass van Rye: Woo! And I’m Cass Van Rye! Yikes!
Tom Wilkins: Yikes!
Cass van Rye: Yikes!
Tom Wilkins: It’s not even ten a.m. and we’ve lost a producer and a hairdresser.
Cass van Rye: I’m telling you, talk about Murphy’s Law, what happened? What just happened?!
Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you what happened!
Cass van Rye: What happened?
Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you what happened. Cass’s hair person Tito just ripped her a new one. Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Well, Tito was late, and I said to him, “Hey, okay, I celebrate your gay Hispanic culture, my friend…”
Tom Wilkins: You’re here and you’re queer, we know.
Cass van Rye: We know, we know, okay. “But smoking ecstasy and raving ’til dawn with your gay buddies is no excuse for tardiness!”
Tom Wilkins: No, no.
Cass van Rye: Come on!
Tom Wilkins: No.
Cass van Rye: Come on! And then he did this snapping thing [snaps fingers repeatedly] like this to me…
Tom Wilkins: Uh-huh, right…
Cass van Rye: …and then left. Tom, it was like this right in my face.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah. No, no, I saw it, I saw it. [grabs her aggressively to stop the annoying snapping while Oteri tries not to laugh] I was there, I was there. Now the snapping thing happened after you called him a dirty brown he-she. Yeah. Now, and to make matters worse, our producer of two weeks, Shelby Gaines, quits over losing a parking spot.
Cass van Rye: What’s that about?
Tom Wilkins: What up? What up?
Cass van Rye: What’s that about? What up?
Tom Wilkins: My new Expedition takes up one and a half spots but sorry, Shelby, talk to my Ford dealer.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Or to my hand.
Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand.
Tom Wilkins: Talk to my hand.
Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand. You know, luckily I had — I called my husband Eli out of a merger meeting so he could come to the studio to bring me the back of my earring.
Tom Wilkins: And we just slapped some headphones on him. So folks, will you please welcome our producer for the day, Mr. Eli Van Rye.
[shows eerily relaxed and quiet Eli Van Rye]
Tom Wilkins: [laughs]
Cass van Rye: Hi, pooker.
Eli van Rye: Cass. Tom.
Cass van Rye: Aah, that’s my little Jew.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, hey. I finally saw The Sixth Sense last night. That little boy: what a weirdo!
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo.
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: Weird!
Cass van Rye: Yeah, you know what The Sixth Sense was a good movie, Tom, but if you want to talk about an amazing piece of cinema, I’m sorry, I’ve got three words for you: Wild Wild West.
Tom Wilkins: Yes.
Cass van Rye: Come on.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh.
Cass van Rye: Come on.
Tom Wilkins: Will Smith, Calvin Klein—- don’t make us wait too long for the sequel, please.
Cass van Rye: Kevin Kline. Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, Kev. Right, Kevin.
Cass van Rye: And I’ll tell you something. Move over, Abbott and Costello; here comes Smith and Kline.
Tom Wilkins: Yes. Yes. Hey, this presidential election, what about it?
Cass van Rye: It’s heating up, Tom, it’s heating up. It really is.
Tom Wilkins: I’m a little worried about Bush’s insatiable hunger for cocaine.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: What a coke monkey.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Little coke monkey, yeah.
Cass van Rye: How many times do I have to say this? Drugs is a disease, folks!!! Get it through your head!
Tom Wilkins: You heard it right here. Yes, Cass. You know this because your husband Eli is a recovering alcoholic.
Cass van Rye: No, he’s just an alcoholic, Tom.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, okay.
[Eli looks dejected and embarrassed]
Cass van Rye: Plus, plus, keep in mind he’s on a combination of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety drug, Zoloft, and Buspar.
Tom Wilkins: Yes, How you doing, pal?
Eli van Rye: Top of the world, Tom.
Cass van Rye: You know Eli’s doing fine, Tom, but the side effects are rough.
Tom Wilkins: Okay.
Cass van Rye: It’s given him a real metallic odor to his breath.
Tom Wilkins: Oh.
Cass van Rye: Offensive, offensive.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah, yeah.
Cass van Rye: And it has completely wiped out his ability to ejaculate.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, keep us posted, buddy. Keep us posted, buddy. Well, I will tell you what is up-and-coming, our first guest and his new diet book. Please welcome Dr. Jedediah Purdy.
[audience applaudes as Purdy enters and all sit]
Cass van Rye: Woo, welcome. Look at you.
Tom Wilkins: You look great.
Cass van Rye: He’s thin.
Tom Wilkins: Like a lady.
Cass van Rye: He’s thin. He’s like a woman.
Tom Wilkins: Look at that little booty on you.
Cass van Rye: Yeah, he’s like a woman.
Tom Wilkins: Tell us about the book.
Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s called “The Realm.”
Cass van Rye: Ooh, “The Realm.”
Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”
Cass van Rye: Yeah, “The Realm.” Now see, I don’t know what that means.
Tom Wilkins: No, sounds English.
Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s like “The Zone,” but some people feel trapped in a zone. So there’s little more room in “The Realm.”
Tom Wilkins: Not as confining.
Cass van Rye: No, now I’ll tell you Jed, um, I’m on the zone and I’m really happy with it. It’s really working for me.
Tom Wilkins: [shaking head] No, no it’s not. No, you should see yourself in shorts. Right, Eli? [Eli nods with no expression on his face]
Jedediah Purdy: Well, with “The Realm,” the weight loss is slow at first, but then it drops off. [hits Cass in the head unintentionally and unnoticingly with the book]
Cass van Rye: Right.
Tom Wilkins: Now, tell me, Jed. I’ll tell ya. I wanna know what is on the diet.
Cass van Rye: Yes.
Tom Wilkins: Tell us what’s on the diet.
Cass van Rye: Yes.
Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s fruit in the morning, and meat for the rest of the day.
Cass van Rye: Ooooh, now can I eat pizza on your diet?
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Jedediah Purdy: No. No bread, no cheese.
Cass van Rye: How about plain pizza?
Tom Wilkins: Sure.
Cass van Rye: No one gets hurt.
Jedediah Purdy: No!
Cass van Rye: Oh, okay, how about this? How about cheese, tomatoes, and some bread?
Jedediah Purdy: No, that’s pizza. It’s just fruit and meat!
Cass van Rye: What about a pizza bagel? It’s small, it’s smaller.
Tom Wilkins: [grabs Cass by the neck] You can’t have the pizza, Cass, let it go. Let me run this one by you, Jedediah. What about calzones?
Cass van Rye: Oooh.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Cass van Rye: Calzones.
Jedediah Purdy: What are you people, idiots? Did you win the show on a contest? It’s fruit and meat. Fruit, meat. Fruit. Meat. That’s it.
Cass van Rye: Tom, we can have Hawaiian pizza.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh, pineapple and ham.
Cass van Rye: Yeah, that’s it.
[thud]
Jedediah Purdy: What was that?
Cass van Rye: Oh, it’s my husband, Eli, he’s just having a seizure. It’s just another side effect. It’s okay. [Eli shakes violently on the floor]
Tom Wilkins: Okay.
Cass van Rye: That’s okay.
Tom Wilkins: Can we get props to put a spoon in his mouth or a little chunk of leather or something?
Cass van Rye: What a morning, huh?
Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, we’ll be right back with Wolfgang Puck. He’s gonna show us how to make gourmet pizzas.
Cass van Rye: Oooh, can I have a Gino’s pizza roll?
Jedediah Purdy: Oh, the hell with the both of you! [knocks over platter of food and exits]
Cass van Rye: Eli, can you clean that up, honey? Eli?
Shelley Peterbuilt…Cheri Oteri Sean Patrick Flannery…Will Ferrell Student…Ana Gasteyer Avram Horowitz…Chris Kattan Manute Greenburg…Tim Meadows Lenny Schwartzmann…Jerry Seinfeld Mary Katherine Gallagher…Molly Shannon
[exterior of St. Monica’s Catholic High School, several Catholic children walking around]
Shelly Peterbuilt: Hi, Sean.
Sean Patrick Flannery: Hey.
Shelly Peterbuilt: You excited to play in the big game today? You guys are so awesome!!!
Sean Patrick Flannery: You know it. Today’s a tough one, we’re playing the best basketball team in the interfaith league…Yeshiva Academy.
Student: They won the under five-foot division. There they are, omigod!!
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, omigod!
[basketball players come out one by one as Flannery calls them off]
Sean Patrick Flannery: That little guy is Avram Horowitz. Avram Horowitz; he’s the fastest forward in the league. Yeah, oh, oh, and that’s Manute Greenburg. He’s black!
Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: Oh!
Sean Patrick Flannery: He just transferred from Ethiopia.
Student: Omigod, look who’s coming!
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!
Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right.
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!
Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right, it’s Lenny Schwartzmann, the Jewish Michael Jordan. [comes out with curly afro]
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod. Lenny is so cute. He’s the sexiest thing under a yarmulke I have ever seen.
Student: Omigod, omigod!!!
Shelly Peterbuilt: I’d like to ask him out but I’m so embarrassed.
Sean Patrick Flannery: Me too.
Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: What?
Sean Patrick Flannery: I mean just to shoot some baskets. I gotta go. [exits]
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, Lenny is so awesome. He would never go out with a Catholic girl, though.
Student: I know, I know, we’ll never know. I mean who would have the nerve to ask him. Omigod. Omigod. [they leave]
[Mary Katherine Gallagher appears]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Lenny Schwartzmann: What’s up?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What’s up! I just want to say that you make a really great Jew basketball player.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Thanks, you know there’s been a lot of great Jewish basketball players. Dolph Shays, uh, Moses Malone, I think.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I also wanted to know if maybe sometime you would be interested in going out with me for a…for a…for a knish?
Lenny Schwartzmann: Uh, k-no!!!
Avram Horowitz: Ah nice, that was so Jewish Michael Jordan!
Manute Greenburg: [clicking noise]
Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man.
Manute Greenburg: [more clicking]
Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man. Alright, I’m the man. Come on, let’s go warm up guys. [teammates leave] Mary!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah?
Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m really sorry about the way I just acted. I’d like to go out with you but my parents won’t let me date a non-Jewish girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Why, because they think that I’m a slutty shiksa?
Lenny Schwartzmann: Actually, it was dirty, slutty shiksa.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, my grandmother probably wouldn’t like it either. But she does say that Jewish guys are good providers and you’re very crafty.
Avram Horowitz: Lenny, hurry up. [at the door]
Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m coming.
Manute Greenburg: [clicking, at the door]
Lenny Schwartzmann: I said I’m coming!!!! You know, Mary, we’re just torturing ourselves, we’re too different. [sees Mary’s normal ritual] What are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell ’em like that. That’s gross.
Lenny Schwartzmann: I guess that’s a Catholic thing. No, I better go.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No wait, Lenny, no whoa, no okay. [begins to fake her out] Okay, okay, okay. Be serious. I just want to say that…Lenny, we’re really not that different, you know. I mean, after I met you, I rented “Fiddler on the Roof” and I watched it 26 times in a row.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Really? Isn’t Topel a genius?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, he’s great.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Oh, Mary, your skirt’s so plaid, it drives me mad! Maybe Billy Joel is right, Catholic girls do start much too late. Billy Joel rules!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah!
Lenny Schwartzmann: But can I ignore 6,000 years of tradition just to get a little Catholic poozle? I guess it’s you or bacon, Mary. What do you think I should do?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well…my feelings would best be expressed in a monologue from the movie, “Yentl” starring Mandy Patinkin and the great Barbra Streisand, as a young male-slash-female rabbi in training.
Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m with ya.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay…Forget about tradition. Forget about it, listen to your heart. Love knows no…no race or…or…or…religion. Papa can you hear me? Papa? Papa? Papa? [speaks in Yiddish loudly and falls backwards into bushes and statue of Virgin Mary]
Lenny Schwartzmann: Mary?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Would you go out with me?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, but I won’t convert.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Great, then we’ll just fool around. [kisses Mary] I’ll see you after the game. [exits]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, ‘bye Lenny! [jumps and slides on her knees] Jewish Boys!!!!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yo, thank you very much! You’re too good! [wild applause] This is great, so great to see you all here. It is so great, so many people all week have been asking me about what I’m doing now that I’m done with the show. And, I just want you to know I just sold my house in L.A., and moved back to New York and its been great. [more wild applause]
Great! Great to be back in the city, it’s the most exciting city in the world; I give you my typical day. Up at eight, no matter what I have my juice, always like to pop on the USA channel and watch “Wings.” They usually have two of them, that’s a solid hour block. That leads right into “The Single Guy” at nine; then “Ned and Stacey,” “Boston Common,” and then obviously “Naked Truth” at 10:30.
Then it’s over to F/X for another hour of “Wings”, which is always solid. Then its 1:00, time to get going. So, I flip on “Days”——-“Days of Our Lives,” but that whole thing with Kristian Alfonso playing both Hope and Princess Gina, I mean, why doesn’t she play Kristof and kidnap the baby too while she’s at it?
Then, by the afternoon, my brain feels like mush, and that’s when I take advantage of one of the single greatest things about living in New York, “The Equalizer!” Everyday at five, six, and seven.
Then, it’s dinnertime, and I get out of my pajamas finally. Get in my sweatpants and hit the street! So many great restaurants. I know this little place near me——well, it’s not so much a restaurant as it is a cart, but it is the best meat-on-a-stick in the city. And after six or seven of them, I’ve had it.
So I go home, grab some Pop-Tarts and a Yoo-Hoo; get in the tub. And then at ten, check out a little TV, Spanish station. They have this show, “Aeropuerto,” it’s a little like “Wings.” [huge laughter] I like that show. Then up at eight for another day in New York, the greatest city in the world. Anyway, that’s basically what I’ve been up to; plus I dated a couple of married women. [huge applause] But we’ve got a great show, David Bowie is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back.
SummaryLive, from New York, it’s Saturday Night Live 25! Yes, at season’s end it will have been twenty-five wild and unusual years since “SNL” debuted across America. And most of the current cast celebrates five years with the intent to finalize their contracts with “Saturday Night Live”. Indeed, by the second half of the season, newcomers Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz and Rachel Dratch start appearing in more sketches than Will Ferrell, Cheri Oteri or Tim Meadows formerly have. Even four-year veteran Tracy Morgan begins to build more ground this season (and about time!). Many new characters are introduced this season. Some, like the Boston Teenagers (Jimmy Fallon and Rachel Dratch) and obnoxious Company Computer Guy Nick Burns (Fallon), are welcomed by viewers; while characters like 50-year-old Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) manage to get shunned before the sketch has ended. Overall, 1999 is one of the more unstable seasons in “Saturday Night Live”‘s history. Viewers either like the cast or they don’t – but when Chris Kattan’s recurring character Mango makes more appearances than even producer Lorne Michaels, it’s time once again to restructure the format of the show.
Air Date:
Perot’s Reform PartySummary: Ross Perot (Cheri Oteri) yuks it up with Pat Buchanan (Chris Parnell) and other contenders vying to be his Reform Party candidate.
