SNL Tonight

Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz

Sean Denny…..Mike Myers
Billy Westman…..Rob Schneider
Serena Williams…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mark Hirschfeld…..Adam Sandler
Eric Thompson…..Tim Meadows
Stevie Sisken…..David Spade
Doreen Farvin…..Melanie Hutsell
Nick Russell…..Emilio Estevez

[open on electric sign: “Geek Dweeb or Spazz”]

Announcer: It’s time for your favorite high school game show, “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz.” [shot widens to show studio] Now meet your host, the coolest senior at Park Ridge High School, Sean Denny!

Sean: Hello, and welcome to “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz,” where the most popular kids at school ask questions of our loser guests to determine who is a geek, dweeb, or spazz. [chuckles] Okay, now let’s meet our cool panelists. [walks over to panelsists’ podiums] Billy Westman. Billy, you’re the captain of the Scarsdale High School lacross team, and you sit at the best table in the lunch room.

Billy: Sean, wherever I sit is the best table.

Sean: [chuckles] Okay. And to your left is Serena Williams. Serena, you’re copied by every white girl in your school who wants to walk, talk, and dress just like you. Also, you’re dating a college guy.

Serena: That’s right, Sean. High school guys are so immature.

Sean: [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, right. And, finally, Mark Hirschfeld. It says here, your uncle is the accountant for Aerosmith.

Mark: Yeah. Steven Tyler sang at my bar mitzvah.

Sean: All right, that’s great. All right, panelists, are you ready to play “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz?”

[the panel agrees unenthusiastically]

Sean: Okay, all right then. Let’s please welcome our first guest, Eric Thompson.

[Eric enters, wearing a black “SeaQuest DSV” shirt, thick glasses, and slacks]

Announcer: Eric is a dweeb. [flashing title: “DWEEB”]

Sean: Okay, all right. Billy. Billy, you’re up first.

Billy: Okay, Eric. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Eric: My perfect Friday night? Well, I could head to the mall and catch a movie. PG, of course. Or I could stay at home and play “Tetris” with my parents.

[Billy rings in]

Sean: Billy.

Billy: He’s a geek!

[buzzer sounds]

Sean: Sorry, sorry, sorry, that’s not it. Mark, your turn to ask a question.

Mark: Okay, Eric, what would you say if I asked you to borrow your dad’s car to go to a party.

Eric: Will there be drinking at said party?

[Mark rings in]

Mark: Sean, I got this one. This guy’s a dweeb.

[dinging sound]

Sean: Nice call, Mark. Nice call. Better luck next time, Eric.

Eric: [waves] I’ll see you guys later. [exits]

Sean: Yeah, right. Okay. All right, let’s now welcome our second guest, Stevie Sisken.

[Stevie enters, with unkempt hair and wearing a powder blue t-shirt with “Ghostbusters” logo]

Announcer: Stevie is a spazz. [flashing title: “SPAZZ”]

Sean: Serena, your question.

Serena: Thanks, Sean. Stevie, let’s say as a goof, right, I agreed to go out with you. What would we do on our date?

Stevie: Oh! That would be sweet! You could go out with me and my cousin to the school soccer game. Then we could all pile in my Sirocco, and then we’ll get some pizza, and then we could slide on my Slip ‘N Slide all night. It’s gonna be sweet!

[Mark rings in]

Mark: Sean, I got it. He’s a homo?

[buzzer sounds]

Sean: No, I’m sorry Mark. “Homo” is not one of the categories.

[Billy rings in]

Sean: Billy!

Billy: Sean, he acts like a geek, but I gotta go with my gut. He’s a spazz!

[dinging sound]

Sean: Good eye, Billy! Good eye!

Stevie: Hey, Serena! Pick you up at seven! It’s gonna be sweet!

Serena: Sure, Stevie. I’ll meet you in front of the Robert Taylor Housing Project. Building C. I may be a few hours late, so wait for me.

Sean: And make sure you wear that shirt. [chuckles]

Stevie: Yes, sir. Sweet! [exits]

Sean: Okay, all right. Okay, now let’s meet our third geek, dweeb, or spazz, Doreen Farvin.

[Doreen enters, dressed in a fast food uniform with paper hat]

Announcer: Doreen is a geeky-dweeb. [flashing title: “GEEKY-DWEEB”]

Doreen: Hi guys. [waves]

[Serena rings in]

Sean: Serena!

Serena: [laughing] Doreen is a geeky dweeb!

[dinging sound]

Sean: That’s right! That’s right!

Doreen: Can I say hello to my best friend Shirley Vega, please?

Sean: Hmmm…let me think. No! [chuckles]

[Doreen exits in a huff]

Sean: Okay. All right, now it’s time for our final round where everyone at home can play along. Our last guest just transferred to my high school from a school in Hayward, California. Please welcome Nick Russell!

[Nick enters, wearing a leather jacket and jeans, and drinking beer]

Sean: Whoah! Well, okay, all right. Billy.

Billy: Do you play any sports?

Nick: No.

Billy: Why? ‘Cause your mommy won’t let you, or do you just suck.

Nick: No, I busted my leg in a motorcycle accident, trying to get away from the state police.

Billy: [staring dumbfoundedly] Wow.

Sean: Mark, your question.

Mark: Okay. Let’s say I tell you to do my homework, or I’ll beat the living crap out of you. Do you a) do my homework, b) get the crap beat out of you, or c) do my homework and get the crap beat out of you?

Nick: The answer is d) I would kick your ass for asking me, and then I’d go to your house and beat up your old man.

Mark: [quietly] No more questions.

Nick: What did you say to me?!

Mark: [with quivering voice] Nothing! I said, “No more questions.” I swear to God, just leave me alone.

Sean: Okay, all right. Well. Serena, your question.

Serena: [timidly] Uh, um… Would you go out with me, Nick?

Nick: [scoffs] Maybe as a goof.

Sean: Anybody? Anybody? Seems like our panelists are stumped. [Nick smiles smugly] Maybe this yearbook picture from Nick’s old high school back in California will help. [Nick looks around nervously] Let’s take a look.

[dissolve to photograph of Nick, dressed as a stereotypical geek, with thick glasses and a vest, holding either a comic book or an RPG guidbook, with title: “Dungeons And Dragons Club]

Nick: Where’d you get that?! No, no, please!

[dissolve to studio]

Sean: Yes, that’s right. At his last high school, Nick was the treasurer of the Dungeons and Dragons club.

[Serena rings in]

Sean: Serena!

Serena: Oh! He’s a royal geek.

[dinging sound]

Sean: Royal geek is correct! [flashing title: “ROYAL GEEK”] Serena, we also would have accepted “total geek” or “your highness, king of the geeks.”

Nick: Thanks a lot. Now I’m gonna have to change schools again! [runs off]

Sean: Serena, you’re our winner!

Serena: [runs out from behind podium onto studio floor] Oh! So, what did I win?

Sean: Well, Serena, for one weekend you will have unlimited use of my stepdad’s cellular phone. Perfect for crank calls all over the world!

Serena: For real?!

Sean: Absolutely. I don’t care, ’cause I hate him. [chuckles] Okay, all right. This is Sean Denny. See you next time on “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz!”

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Michael Fay Caning

Warden…..Rob Schneider
Michael Fay…..Emilio Estevez
Caner…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor…..Phil Hartman

[ open on wide shot of Singapore skyline over body of water, with SUPER: “Singapore, April 16th, 1994” ]

[ dissolve to interior, prison room, a pair of guards tying Michael Fay’s wrists to a tall torture device, Fay’s pants pulled down to his ankles ]

Warden: [ reading, in a thick Oriental accent ] Michael Fay. For the crime of vandalizing cars and buses, the nation of Singapore has sentenced you-ou to six strokes of the cane. The sentence will be carried out.. now-ow.

[ a snappily-dressed American, in tan coat and tie, enters the room ]

Caner: Hello, Michael My name’s Jeff Gardner.

Michael Fay: Thank God! Are you from the State Department?

Caner: No, I’m the caner. I’m the one who’s gonna be caning you.

Michael Fay: But you’re am American.

Caner: Yep! Born and raised. [ walks to the wall, removes his jacket and hangs it up, then reaches for a cane among a rack filled with canes ]

Michael Fay: So, what are you doing here?

Caner: Well, I’ll tell ya — [ holds up his chosen cane and looks through the hollow of it ] You know, I always wanted to be a caner, but there’s, uh.. there’s not much call for caners back in the States, so, hey! You gotta go where the work is, you know? But, I’ll tell ya – Singapore is, uh.. is pretty nice, you know? How’s your visit been here so far?

Michael Fay: Okay. Not great.

Caner: Yeah. You know, you gotta give it a chance, it’ll grow on you – it’s clean, a great climate, and, virtually, no crime.

Michael Fay: So I understand.

Caner: Yeah. you know why there’s no crime? The caning!

Michael Fay: Yeah.

Caner: Although, actually, you know, caning is pretty barbaric, when you think about it.

Michael Fay: Yeah, I agree.

Caner: But, you know, they don’t pay me to think. They pay me to cane people. [ raises cane in the air for soem practice swings ] So, now, you’re a student, huh? What grade you in?

Michael Fay: Actually, I’m in college. I’m taking some courses over at the — [ screams as the Caner raises his cane into the air ]

Caner: No, no, no. Please, finish up.

Michael Fay: Well.. I’m, uh, uh.. I’m taking a bunch of language courses at the University of Singapore.

Caner: Ah! Th-that’s a good school! [ takes the first swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: Now.. are you living on campus over there? I heard they got some really nice dorms.

Michael Fay: [ gasps ]

Caner: You play tennis?

Michael Fay: Yeah, uh.. a little.

Caner: Me, too. Hey, we should play together sometime. You know, I’m getting a little tired of playing with these, you know? [ takes the second swift cane to Fay’s ass ] You know what I’m saying?

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: [ whispers ] You know, Mike? I think we better to get a doctor over here. [ looks offscreen to the doctor ] Hey, you want to have a look at this? [ the Oriental doctor steps forward ] What have I got here, Doc?

Doctor: [ in heavy Oriental accent ] Uh.. it looks like a blister. Probably from the caning.

Caner: Ah. Ah, thanks. [ doctor exits ] Like I need a doctor to tell me that, huh? [ takes the third swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Agh!

Caner: Funny story about that doctor! I was caning this guy, right? And he passes out, I think it was because of the incredible pain, you know? So, uh.. I keep caning him, you know, which you’re really not supposed to do! The doctor shows up, tells me the guy is dead! [ laughing ] Can you believe that! I was caning a dead guy! Is that crazy, or what?!

Michael Fay: [ not amused ] Yeah.

Caner: Hey, you know something? You’ve got a pretty nice-looking can there?

Michael Fay: [ disturbed ] What?!

Caner: Oh, I’m not one of those guys or anything, you know? It’s just that, I see a lot of them, that’s all. [ takes the fourth swift cane to Fay’s ass ] Hey, uh.. I’m losing track here. How many was that?

Michael Fay: [ smiles ] I think that’s all of them.

Caner: Nice try! I was just kidding! you got two more!

[ the phone rings, answered by the Warden. The Caner and Michael Fay look on with interest, as the Warden steps forward ]

Warden: It’s the Chief Justice of Singapore.

Michael Fay: Oh, thank God!

Caner: Oh, doesn’t he know I’m in the middle of a caning here?

Warden: He say very important.

Caner: Oh, that’s weird. You know, the Chief Justice only calls when there’s a pardon. What do you suppose he wants? [ takes the fifth swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Maybe it’s a pardon!

Caner: Relax, buddy, you gotta save your strength, okay? You’ve got one more. [ takes the sixth and final swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Just ask what he wants!

Caner: All right. [ to Warden ] What does he want?

Warden: [ listens into the phone ] Mr. Fay. I have some good news, and bad news.

Michael Fay: What’s the good news?

Warden: You have been pardoned!

Michael Fay: Thanks. What’s the bad news?

Warden: [ glumly ] Well.. “Live, from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Probably the earliest flyswatters were
nothing more than some sort of striking surface
attached to the end of a long stick.

SNL Transcripts

How Much Ya Bench?

Frankie Genovese…..Emilio Estevez
Steroid User #1…..Adam Sandler
Steroid User #2…..Chris Farley
Steroid User #3…..David Spade
Steroid User #4…..Jay Mohr
Caller #1…..
Caller #2…..Mike Myers
Caller #3…..
Charlie Sheen…..

[open on panelists with theme music and title: “How Much Ya Bench?”]

[all panelists have heavily overdeveloped upper bodies]

Announcer: And now it’s time for “How Much Ya Bench,” with your host, Frankie Genovese.

[title is removed]

Frankie: Hello, and welcome to “How Much Ya Bench,” the show dedicated to body building and a steroid-free power lifting experience. I think you know our panelists, especially if you are a Perth Amboy local, in which case you would also know that we enjoy a lifting experience that’s completely free of steroid influence.

[other panelists agree while the shot widens to show that the panelists’ legs are comically underdeveloped]

Frankie: Before we go to the phones, let’s start off with a regular segment on “How Much Ya Bench?” called Movie Talk. This is where we have a steroid-free discussion of the movies. Tonight’s topic: Hollywood’s hot new actors and how much we want to kick their heads in. First up: Brad Pitt. He’s becoming a big star. Do we like it?

Steroid User #1: My girl thinks he’s really cute. And she says he was really good in “Thelma and Louise.” So to be quite honest, I’d like to give him a savage beating. The kind of beating where the cops would say, “What kind of animal would do this to another human being?”

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #2: Yeah! Brad Pitt needs a beatin’! He needs a beatin’ Fast! I swear to God, I am not in the mood for him, ever!

Frankie: To sum up, I guess Brad Pitt gets a beatin’. Next up: Richard Grieco. The heat has faded, but he seems to still have that certain look on his face that needs to be wiped off. Agree?

Steroid User #1: Oh, my God, yes. I want to boot him so hard in the adam’s apple it comes shooting out his mouth. Holy lord, when I used to watch him on “21 Jump Street,” he would make me so angry it was like I was on steroids or something. That’s how angry he made me.

Steroid User #2: Hey, Grieco, what’s behind you? It’s your worst nightmare, mister. Mr. Big-Time Beatin’! [punctuates the following with hand/arm gestures] Wham! Bam! Slam! Throat punch! Down you go! Oh, but it continues! Bam, bam, bam! Wham! When’s it ever gonna stop?! Survey says: Not very soon!

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #3: I can’t follow his energy. However, I’d like to stress two things. Brad Pitt needs a beatin’, and I’m not on steroids.

Steroid User #1: Very nice.

Steroid User #2: All right, yeah.

Steroid User #3: Mr. Pitt, if I ever see you, I’ll give you so many rights, you’ll be begging for lefts!

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Frankie: A beatin’ all around. All right, finally: Charlie Sheen. Thoughts.

Steroid User #1: He’s cool.

Steroid User #2: I like his work.

Steroid User #3: Laughed my ass off at “Hot Shots Part Deux.”

Steroid User #4: Yeah, you know what? I’m on the fence. I could go either way with him.

Frankie: Shut up, gentlemen! The man needs a beatin’! He needs a good old-fashioned James Caan, “Godfather,” garbage can involved monster beatin’!

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Frankie: All right. And let me say that what you’ve just seen was a display of normal male envy and agression, and in no way was the consequence of steroid abuse. Stay off the juice! The side effects aren’t worth it. All right, before we take calls, I think someone here has an announcement to make.

Steroid User #1: Indeed I do. Just this last Friday at 2:23pm, I was benching and I put up 350 pounds.

[other panelists cheer him on with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #2: You! You! Yeah! All right! You did it totally without the aid of steroids! Or steroid byproducts! You must be amped man! 350! Let’s see that rip!

[Steroid User #1 flexes and turns, showing that his back is extremely hairy]

Steroid User #1: And I’m not even oiled up, gentlemen!

Frankie: Well, it’s my guess we lost a few callers with that one. I’d like to thank those of you that hung in there. So let’s get to your calls. Caller, you’re on. How much ya bench?

Caller #1: 255. Steroid-free, just like you guys.

[panelists make girly ding-a-ling]

Steroid User #3: Tinkerbell! Tinkerbell! 255?! You calling to brag about that?! Anything else you want to brag about? Maybe how you got great seats for “Phantom of the Opera?”

Steroid User #2: Yeah! Or maybe how you got great seats for…some other queer play.

Steroid User #4: Now hang up the phone, all right, because there’s a lot of other guys at the gay bar who need to use it, all right, you selfish bastard. God! I’m not on steroids!

Frankie: Okay, next caller. You’re on the air. How much ya bench?

Caller #2: Hey, I don’t really work out, okay. My question is for Steroid User #2.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey, there’s no one here on steroids, nancy-boy.

Caller #2: Uh, yeah. Steroid User #2. Could you tell me why your legs are so thin?

Steroid User #2: That’s because I generally don’t like to kick guys like you into a coma! I like to hear your bones snap under my fists!

Caller #2: Let me ask one more question. How do you guys ever get girls? I mean, do you have to hypnotize them or something?

Steroid User #4: Oh, no, no, no. You do.

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #1: Hang up the phone, nancy-boy! Save your money for when you call 1-900-MAKE-OUT-WITH-A-GUY.

Frankie: All right, next caller. You’re on. How much ya bench?

Charlie Sheen: Hey, steroid-boy. This is Charlie Sheen. You want a piece of me?

Frankie: Yeah! Where you at, pretty boy?

Charlie Sheen: You know where I live, Emilio. I’ll be right here.

Frankie: Hey, Charlie. Come on, it’s just a sketch.

Charlie Sheen: Oh, yeah? Well it’s just a beatin’! Get ready for it! [hangs up]

Frankie: Oh, ah, um, next caller. How much ya bench?

Caller #3: Uh, not a tremendous amount. Hey, I lost a dog, and I was wondering if I could describe him in case a viewer has seen his.

Frankie: You got it, alpha woman. What’s this poodle look like?

Caller #3: No, it’s not a poodle. I don’t know what kind it is, but I know it’s definitely on steroids. It’s real buff, with little stick-legs. And it’s got this weird forehead, real hairy back and shoulders with tons of zits. It goes through crazy mood swings, and it answers to “loser.”

Steroid User #4: Oh, my God, Frankie! There ain’t no dog! This guy’s referring to us! Oh, I can’t stand it! Oh, my God! I want a piece of this guy! Oh, God, please, God, I gotta give this guy a beatin’! [sobs]

Steroid User #2: You will pay, nancy-boy! Oh, it’s coming! You hear me?! [with arms and legs flailing] Oh, God, you are gonna pay! One sorry nancy-boy!

Frankie: We’re gonna find out where you live, and you’re dead! Everybody else, tune in next week to “How Much Ya Bench?”

[dissolve to advertizement screen]

Announcer: “How Much Ya Bench?” has been brought to you by Jim Tischer’s Anabolic Steroids. For when you want big mass and got no time. Turn to the juice. Jim Tischer’s juice.

[dissolve to panelists with theme song and title: “How Much Ya Bench?”]

[fade to black]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 16th, 1994

Emilio Estevez

Pearl Jam

None

Michael Fay Caning

Caner (Kevin Nealon) in Singapore chats with Michael Fay (Estevez).

Emilio Estevez’s Monologue

Estevez catches up the audience on Brat Pack whereabouts.

Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz

The Whitewater Folder

Pearl Jam performs “Not For You”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon delivers a subliminal editorial on Michael Fay’s caning

Operaman (Adam Sandler) sings of the week’s events and his interest in Eddie Vedder.

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

How Much Ya Bench?

Bench pressers deny allegations of steroid use.

Pearl Jam performs “Rearviewmirror”

The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Recurring Characters: Mr. O’Malley.

Poker Billy

Guitarist (Michael McKean) puts Poker Billy’s (Estevez) card stupidity into song.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Reflections of the earliest fly swatters.

Pearl Jam performs “Daughter”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

93q: Kelsey Grammer / Dwight Yoakum

Something Smells Good In Stinkville, Part Two

Husband…..Kelsey Grammer
Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne

Announcer: And now part two of Something Smells Good in Stinkville.

(open to husband and wife eating sandwiches)

Husband: These sandwiches smell horrible!

Wife: Thank You.

Husband: No, I mean they really smell horrible!

Wife: Do you mean they smell horrible, because they smell good? Or horrible which is good?

Husband: They smell good.

Wife: So they smell good to you which is horrible, or do they smell horrible because — (interrupted by her husband)

Husband: Oh, shut up and get me the cat’s ass! (Grammer cracks up as he sniffs the cat’s ass)

Announcer: This has been part two of Something Smells Good in Stinkville.

Thanks to Julian Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Majestic Carribbean Cruise Line

Husband…..Rob Schneider
Wife…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Manute Bol

Announcer: On your next vacation, sample the warmth and magic of a Majestic Carribbean cruise.

Majestic Carribbean has island holidays, tropical getaways, late night hideaways.. and now Majestic Carribbean has Manute Bol, star of the NBA.

[ show Manute Bol ]

Whether you’re sampling gourmet food at our sumptious outdoor buffet..

[ show Manute Bol feasting on buffet with married couple ]

..relaxing witrh friends on deck..

[ Manute, stretched across deck chair, laughs at private story between married couple ]

..playing in the pool..

[ incredibly tall Manute spikes a volleyball into the water during a game of water volleyball ]

..or enjoying the show..

[ everyone is playing Limbo on deck, and tries to pursuade Manute to go under the stick as he shies away ]

..Manute Bol will be there.

Spoil yourself with a lazy breakfast in bed.

[ Manute lies across the tiny couch as married couple smile and drink juice in bed ]

You’ll get all the service and luxury you expect, from Majestic Carribbean – plus, NBA star Manute Bol.

[ show Manute on a series of three different cruise ships ]

Take your choice of any of our three ships: the Majestic King.. the Royal Majesty.. or the new Fiesta Royale.

All three ships have Manute Bol.

Call 1-600-4-MANUTE, and join the fun.

Manute Bol: I’ll be there!

Announcer: He’ll be there.

SNL Transcripts

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

Captain Nemo…..Kelsey Grammer
Mr. Land…..Phil Hartman
Professor…..Mike Myers
First Mate…..Rob Schneider

[ TITLE CARD: “Kirk Douglas.. James Mason.. Paul Lukas.. Peter Lorre.. in.. Jules Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea” ]

[ dissolve to interior, the Nautilus ]

Captain Nemo! We demand to know where we are!

First Mate: Yesss.. and where are you taking usss?

Captain Nemo: Gentlemen, you are aboard this ship… – Nautilus.

Mr. Land: So, Captain.. you’re telling us this steel monster can travel underwater?

Captain Nemo: That is correct, Mr. Land. All stations ready? Prepare for diving. We shall travel.. 20,000 leagues.. under the sea!

[ cut to later in the journey, as the crew is underwater ]

Professor: She is be-eauty-ful!

First Mate: Oh, yessss!

Captain Nemo: I knew you would enjoy it.

Mr. Land: So now we’re really 20,000 leagues under the sea?

Captain Nemo: Well, actually, no, that’s a bit of a misnomer. I misspoke. A league is actually a measure of distance traveled, and not a measure of depth, you see.

But, Captain, we’re so deep! Surely, we must be 20,000 leagues under the sea by now!

First Mate: Yesss. 20,000 leaguesss! Under the sea!

Captain Nemo: Well, no. As I said before, I misspoke, you see. I should have said.. fathoms. Fathoms are what you use to measure depth! Fathoms, not leagues!

Professor: And so, we are 20,000 fathoms under the sea?

Captain Nemo: Yes. But, I mean.. I mean no. No. We could be. But right now, we’re just about, uh.. 200 fathoms beneath the sea.

Mr. Land: Oh, I get it. So 200 fathoms equals 20,000 leagues under the sea?

Captain Nemo: No! No! now, look, I was obviously wrong to have ever even mentioned 20,000 leagues nder the sea. I simply meant that we would traveling a total distance of 20,000 leagues – lengthwise, while we happen to be underwater.

Mr. Land: So you’re saying we’re 20,000 leagues underwater, under the sea?

First Mate: 20,000 leaguessss! That’s pretty deep, Captain!

Captain Nemo: Oh, let’s start over. Could you habd me that globe over there, please? [ globe is handed to him ] A league is just about.. three nautical miles, you see. So, 20,000 leagues would be, say, three times around the circumference of the Earth – or, 16,000 miles! so you couldn’t go 20,000 leagues under the sea, or you’d come right out the other end, and that’s impossible!

Professor: Ah, yes! So we are going to the center of the Earth!

Mr. Land: 20,000 leagues under the sea to the center of the Earth!

Group: Ahhhhh!!

Captain Nemo: Mr. Land! You are not allowed to speak any more! That’s an order! Now, Professor, look here, please. Notice that depth meter there, what does it say?

Professor: Uh.. 200 fathoms.

Captain Nemo: That’s right! 200 fathoms! And what does the depth meter measure?

Professor: Mmm.. depth?

Captain Nemo: That’s right! Depth! How deep we are! So.. Professor, think carefully, now. How deep are we?

Professor: 20,000 leagues under the sea!

First Mate: Is he right, Captain Nemo?

Captain Nemo: [ greatly annoyed ] Alright, look! Just everyone please sit down and take out a piece of paper!

[ cut to later in the journey, Captain Nemo trying to draw out simple measurements on the papers ]

Captain Nemo: Alright, what is this here?

Group: The Nautilus!

Captain Nemo: Yes! And what is this here?

Group: The surface!

Captain Nemo: Good for you! now, so.. this is the surface.. and the Nautilus is 200 fathoms below.. then how far down are we?

Group: 20,000 leagues under the sea!!

Captain Nemo: Why do you keep saying that?!!

Mr. Land: Well, because before you said we were 20,000 leagues-

Captain Nemo: I KNOW what I said!! But that doesn’t mean you have to keep saying it!! “Where are we?” “20,000 leagues under the sea!” “What day is it?” “20,000 leagues under the sea!” “What’s for breakfast?” “20,000 leagues under the sea!”

First Mate: Captain Nemo. There’s a giant squid attacking the ship!

Captain Nemo: Oh, my God!

[ cut to the squid suddenly breaking into the Nautilus and grabbing Captain Nemo ]

Captain Nemo: Help me! The squid has me! Where could such a monstrous beast have come from?!

Mr. Land: I know, Captain!

Captain Nemo: Shut up!

Mr. Land: The squid came from 20,000 leagues under the sea!

Captain Nemo: Give me that! Give me your harpoon! [ Mr. Land drops the harpoon ] You idiot! Oh, my God.. my God..

Mr. Land: That’s a big squid, Captain! Must be 20,000 leagues long!

Captain Nemo: That’s right! It’s a measure of length! Did you hear that, everyone? Very good! Very good! Aggghhhhh!!

First Mate: He’s gone. He’s gone.

Professor: The squid took him. Probably down deep.

Mr. Land: How deep, do you think?

First Mate: Real deep.

[ SUPER scrolls with narration ]

Narrator: “The entire crew of the Nautilus – all 20,000 leagues of them – searched for Captain Nemo for over 20,000 leagues and nights. 20,000 leagues later, they still hadn’t found a trace of Captain Nemo, the man they called.. Ol’ 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea!”

Voice of Captain Nemo: Noooooooo!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt

Charles Kuralt … Norm MacDonald

[Image of a sunrise. SUPER: SUNDAY MORNING WITHCHARLES KURALT – We hear the “Sunday Morning” seriestheme, a baroque trumpet fanfare by Johann Gottfriedentitled “Abblasen.”]

Announcer V/O: And now we return to SundayMorning with Charles Kuralt.

[Dissolve to old, balding, chubby newsman CharlesKuralt, fondly remembered for his “On the Road”segments on the CBS Evening News, who sits on the setof his long-running CBS TV series “Sunday Morning” andaddresses the camera in his cadenced, folksystyle.]

Charles Kuralt: Well, it seems that’s all thetime we have this Sunday morning. It has come time forus to part, you and I, for I am retiring from CBSNews. I have been “On the Road” now for thirty-sevenyears, and I will miss it. I will miss it … much. Iwill miss the thunder of the big diesels as they roarby me. I will miss the inviting windows ofwell-stocked general stores reflected in the rear-viewmirror. I will miss the sight of young cottonwoods andand old rattlesnake nests, of winds that blow, andrivers that flow. But, mostly, I will miss the sex.

For that is what brought me to the road in the firstplace, so many years ago: the promise of sex with astring of anonymous partners across this great land.And, oh, how that promise has been fulfilled.

There was Thelma Ober, a frail old woman ofseventy-five, whose pumpkin pies have been well-knownto the residents of Cornwall, North Dakota for years.Every afternoon, Thelma leaves her house and strollsgallantly toward town. And wherever Thelma goes, thebirds of Cornwall follow. Miss Thelma Ober is known as”The Bird Lady.” And I had sex with her.

I remember Sarah Little, who lived at the end of along dirt road in the piney woods of Arkansas and isthe best friend a dog ever had. She owns over fourhundred and fifty of them. Oh, and just one morething: Sara Little is the town dog catcher. And, oh,one more thing: I had sex with her.

And I will not soon forget Old Ned Harrigan fromMuncklin, Maine, the proud possessor of a ball oftwine, sixty-seven feet around. If he ever unrolledit, it would stretch from Muncklin, Maine to the Gulfof Mexico. But, of course, Ned didn’t want to unrollit, he wanted me to have sex with his wife. And so Idid. And, wouldn’t you know it, Old Ned watched. And Ithink he learned something — as did we all that balmyAugust Muncklin night.

Yes, there were hundreds and thousands more. None ofthem were very attractive, I suppose. Even bybackwoods standards. But I couldn’t care less. What’sdone is done.

Anyway, those days are passed now. I will retiretomorrow and busy myself with more solitarydiversions. Perhaps you’ll find me knee-deep in abending piece of water known as the Madison River,trying to fool a trout with a bit of floating feather.Or maybe I’ll be practicing something called”autoerotic asphyxiation,” a curious diversion EricSevareid introduced me to … and I’ve grown quitefond of.

And so, tiddly-widdly toodle-loo. All I want is tostay with you, but here I go. Good-bye.

[Applause. Kuralt takes the microphone off his necktieas we hear the trumpet fanfare again, pull back, anddissolve to an artist’s rendering of the sun. SUPER:SUNDAY MORNING WITH CHARLES KURALT]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is,
while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes!
Hey, better try the emergency brake!

SNL Transcripts