SNL Tonight

Index of /91NameLast modifiedSizeDescription

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Parent Directory  – 1991intro1.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 1.9K1991intro2.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.4K1991intro3.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 5.5K1991intro4.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K1991intro5.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.8K1991intro6.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.6K1991intro7.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2Kline.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529 bg.jpg22-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K91a.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 3.3K91b.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 2.9K91c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 82 91cdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91cdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91cdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91edeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91edeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91fdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91g.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 4.3K91gdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91gdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K91gdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91hdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 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3.7K91eupdate.phtml31-May-2007 19:44 7.8K91eass.phtml31-May-2007 20:01 9.4Kpics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – 91l.phtml05-Jul-2007 08:34 4.6K91lupdate.phtml05-Jul-2007 08:34 12K91e.phtml05-Jul-2007 08:39 3.6K91echillin.phtml05-Jul-2007 08:39 5.8K91s.phtml05-Jul-2007 13:43 12K91sshowcase.phtml05-Jul-2007 13:43 5.2K91dmclaughlin.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 6.7K91dmono.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 4.7K91dwings.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 8.1K91dwolfman.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 5.1K91dyoung.phtml06-Jul-2007 07:18 7.0K91f.phtml26-Jul-2007 10:08 3.0K91ftoonces.phtml26-Jul-2007 11:30 6.8K91d.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 3.4K91dhans.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 7.9K91j.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:56 3.2K91kdahmer.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:08 5.3K91ktim.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:12 6.4K91k.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:14 3.4K91jinsults.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:14 5.0K91kbigtall.phtml25-Oct-2007 07:13 3.8K91isucker.phtml25-Oct-2007 07:25 5.3K91iupdate.phtml25-Oct-2007 07:29 7.8K91ideep3.phtml25-Oct-2007 08:28 2.5K91i.phtml25-Oct-2007 08:28 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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a son of an Irish bishop.

Well, President Bush Thursday unveiled Bush League, his new line of clothing for dorky white guys.

The future ex-president later wowed the assembled crowd by reeling in an 8 1/2-pound northern spotted owl.

Ross Perot filed a financial disclosure statement on Friday, putting his personal fortune at $3.3 billion – or $800 million more than previously estimated. As a result, yesterday Perot was awarded an honorary doctorate of money degree at Oklahoma State University.

Jerry Brown went whitewater rafting with two members of rival L.A. gangs. And next week, the gang members promise to let Brown come along on a drive-by shooting.

And the results of last week’s Phillipine presidential election, which included candidate Imelda Marcos, may be contested. Some observers complained that the use of old shoe boxes as ballot boxes.. may not be very good.

Scientists in Rotterdam are reportedly working around the clock.

The “Where’s Waldo?” books have become so popular that the publishers are adding new additions. Last week, they came out with “Where’s Georgie?” and next week, they’re coming out with a double edition: “Where’s Ronnie & Gorby?”

Many people are confused by the civil ethics of a war in Yugoslavia, putting the Serbs against the Croats.. and also involving the people of Bosnia, Herze-go-vona.. -gor-vona.. or -govina .. Well, it doesn’t matter. Basically, there’s no oil, so don’t worry about it!

Well, the ballots have been tabulated, the results are in – the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992 Funny Face Competition goes to: Yugoslav Federal Army General Blagoje Adhiz.

Well, the NBA Play-Offs are heating up. Tomorrow, the Bulls and the Knicks will play Game 7 of their Conference Semi-Final. Here with a persoective are Chicago radio personalities The Superfans.

[ Superfans appear on the monitor behind Kevin ]

Todd O’Conner: Thanks, Kevin! Well, the two teams are tied, 3-3, and it’s, uh.. it’s been an exciting series, and I’m sure a lot of New York fans will be, uh.. ready to, uh.. go to Chicago for the big game tomorrow.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right! They’re gonna be flying there, and that’s why, right now, we’d like to offer those New York fans a few tips on how to handle the long painful flight back home.

Pat Arnold: That’s right! ‘Cause two hours can seem like an eternity when your hopes have been dashed by.. Da Bulls!

Superfans: Da Bulls!!

Pat Arnold: Now, try to get your mind off the humiliation with an in-flight movie. Or, better yet, have an alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Todd O’Conner: But remember, New Yorkers, smoking crack is not legal on planes. Keep those pipes in your pockets ’til you land.

Kevin Nealon: Well, that’s great, guys.. but I think a lot of people believe the Knicks are gonna win.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, well, it’s very sad.. very cruel the Bulls have toyed with Knicks fans.

Carl Wollarski: Very sad. Please, Kevin, there’s no comparison. I mean, take the coaches. [ holds up picture of Pat Riley ] Now, here’s the Knicks coach – Pat Riley. Armani suit, has his hair slicked back – looks nice, right? Huh?

Todd O’Conner: Yeahhh. I wonder where he got that from? [ holds up similar picture of Mike Ditka ]

Carl Wollarski: My goodness!

Todd O’Conner: Whoa, what have we here? How could he-

Carl Wollarski: Where have we seen that sharp hairstyle before?

Kevin Nealon: Okay, we get the idea, guys..

Superfans: Alright, alright, alright..

Todd O’Conner: Alright, alright, Kevin.. What about the names of the teams? We know what a Bull is – what the hell’s a Knick?

Pat Arnold: How about: it’s what a New York man gets when he shaves his leg before going into a Greenwich Village bar!

[ the Superfan enjoy their joke ]

Kevin Nealon: Alright. So, your pick?

Todd o’Conner: Bulls, 240 to 87.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right.

Kevin Nealon: Alright, I see. The Superfans, everyone!

Well, a study has revealed that secondhand smoke is unhealthy, but usually cheaper.

In addition: 2 + 2 = 4.

Well, Murphy Brown will finally be giving birth on the show’s season finale this Monday night. CBS assures squeamish viewers the show will be much more pleasant to watch than last year’s birthing episode of “Jake & The Fatman”.

And “Lethal Weapon 3” opened around the country yesterday, and plans are already under way for the next dequel, “Lethal Weapon 4”, which will star Detroit suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian.

Besides “Lethal Weapon 3” this summer, several other sequels ill hit the theaters: “Alien 3”, “Batman Returns”, “JFK Part 2”, “The Really, Really Last Temptation of Christ”, and “Honey, I Slept With The Kids”.

Variety posters of the “Batman” sequels can be seen at just about every bus stop in town. The marketing ply by Warner will probably reduce ticket sales, since, if you drive by all the bus stops fast enough, it’s just like seeing the movie.

Update statistic: 4 out of 5 dentists.. leaves 1 dentist.

In a related story, McDonald’s is warning customers that a toy car found in Happy Meals could cause choking. Also, officials have warned that Big Macs are the main cuase of death in cows. They think it has something to do with the patty meat.. or the meat patty.. whichever one you get.

And now, with a look back at some of the events of the week, is Operaman. Operaman?

Operaman: Ohh.. hey gracias, Kevin gracia!

[ singing ]

[ picture of Ross Perot ]
“Billionairo Ross Perot
Mi confuso
Es Frank Perdue? Oh?”

[ picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]
“Ssh ssh, el Doze-oh
Sshhhhh, el-Doze-oh.
“[ jump to picture of Los Angeles burning ]
“El inferno!Violencia!
Armageddon!”
[ jump back to picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]
“Sshhhhh, el Doze-oh!
No disturba Presidente”

[ picture of Daryl Gates ]
“La chiefa policia
No dispatcha gendarme
Morono, no respondo
No excuse bagga doucha!”

[ picture of Messier ]
“Messier!
El choke-oh!
Il Cupo de Stanley
Arrividerci!”

[ picture of Johnny Carson ]
“Carnac finale
Termino bella notte
Carnac adio!
El beginno
El Chin-oh
Jay Leno
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!”

[ picture of SNL logo ]
“Saturdia Noche Vive
Endo seasone
Operaman
Bye-Byyyyyyyyyyyyeeee!”

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Operaman.

The acting head of the National Endowment of the Arts has declared there’s a difference between “nude” and “naked”. Also revealed were differences between “disrobed”, “unclad” and “bare-assed”.

Weekend Update has also learned there’s a difference between “endowment” and “endowed”.

The inventor of the margarita has died. We here at Weekend Update feel that not enough time has passed for us to make jokes about this sad story. However, enough time has passed since the Earl Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich died.. so we’d like to say he was buried in a coffin with a toothpick through it.

Irish bishop Eamonn Casey admitted last week that he has an illegitimate son living in the U.S. NBC is planning a situation comedy about Casey, modeled after “Major Dad”, and entitled “Father Dad”.

Kevin Nealon: If you would like a written transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Ed MacMahon…..Phil Hartman
Jay Leno…..Kevin Nealon
Arsenio Hall…..Chris Rock
Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Embrey…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on The Tonight Show set, final show with Johnny and Ed decked out in tuxedos ]

Johnny Carson: Yes! [ audience applauds wildly ] Anyway.. anyway.. let’s, uh.. that’s very nice. That band is terrific! Anyway, we are back! and, um.. Ed, you know, I just realized th-th-that’s the last time I’ll be saying “We are back! It feels, uh.. it feels a little weird!

Ed MacMahon: [ as expected ] YES!!

Johnny Carson: Now, uh.. for those of you who are just joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk!

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Yooooou arrre correct, SIR!! YEEEESSS!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: He was holed up in his office for an hour before the show, and this is, uh.. sort of what happened. I guess everyone has their own way, a sort of.. dealing with changes.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Feeling NO pain, sir! Ha ha..! Totally BLITZED, O Great One! YES!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. this has been a fun week. Clint Eastwod visited us, Qieen Elizabeth, Dom DeLuise was here. But tonight: it’s just me and Ed, uh.. we’re sort of sitting back, taking stock of the past 30 years.

Ed MacMahon: [ feeling groggier with each passing second ] That we are.. O Out-of-Focus One! Ha ha ha-ha..!

Johnny Carson: I’m right here, Ed. For those of you who don’t know – when alcohol enters your bloodstream, it can sort of, uh.. tend to blur your vision.. and that was.. what Ed was referring to.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! [ a quick beat ] YES!! Ha ha.. ha..

Johnny Carson: Anyway, alright.. well, we’re winding down and, Ed, you know, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight, and, uh-

Ed MacMahon: [ suddenly ] NO!!

Johnny Carson: [ confused ] No?

Ed MacMahon: ..I just wanted to see what it would be like to disagree with you once..

Johnny Carson: I see.. Are you finished?

Ed MacMahon: [ not missing a beat ] YES!! Ha ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Alright, well.. all week long, we’ve been, uh.. carrying some taped greetings from some friends of the show.. and tonight we’ve got some from the other, uh.. late night personalities. So just.. you in the studio, watch your monitors.

[ dissolve to the taped greetings, the first one featuring Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: He-hey, Johnny.. hey listen, we’re all gonna miss you.. I mean.. it’s terrible.. [ shifts to deep-voice mode ] I mean, it’s great for me! But, you know.. [ ] I mean, it’s a terrible thing that you’re not gonna be on.. I mean, i-it’s great that.. I-I’m the one who, you know.. [ shifts to back to deep-voice mode ] If someone had to be the one! [ ] But, still, it’s just really-

[ dissolve to Arsenio Hall speaking in a whisper ]

Arsenio Hall: You.. you’re the one man. You’re the man! There will never.. be.. a-nother. You. Are. The man! You.

[ dissolve to Dennis Miller twiching ]

Dennis Miller: Johnny, babe! I can’t even put this into words, huh? I mrean.. this is your gig, man! Compared to you, we’re all like that second Darren or that.. that blonde that took Barbarino’s place on “Kotter”! I mean, what was that all about, huh?! You’re the king, babe! I mean, I’m not trying to be obsquetious here, but you’re a class man! I don’t even make a visceral play! I’m hovering around the whole “Newton’s Apple”/”This Old House” slot – I’m not even Vila, for crying out loud! I’m the new guy with the whole Bob Balaban/Austin Pendleton! I’m not getting anything, Johnny! Buck..

[ dissolve back to Johnny and Ed ]

Johnny Carson: Well, that.. that was weird, wild stuff! I guess they’re big fans of mine. I did not know that! Anyway.. we are here, and these are our final two minutes here together, Ed, and um.. I’ve gotta say, it feels a little.. bittersweet.

Ed MacMahon: [ solemn ] Yes, sir.. [ sniffs a teardrop ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, we’ve, uh.. we’ve been together since, what, the 50’s? And, uh.. you know, I’m getting a little choked up just talking about it.

Ed MacMahon: Emotions running high.. yes..

Johnny Carson: It is wild stuff. I-I wanted to take these last two minutes, Ed, to say some things I never really had the chance to, uh-

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays David Brenner onto the stage ]

Johnny Carson: I, uhhh.. David Brenner is here. David Brenner, everybody..

[ audience applauds Brenner’s entrance, as he sits next to Ed on the couch ]

David Brenner: [ mumbling ] Oh, my God.. this is some night, huh!

Johnny Carson: Yeah. David Brenner. Yes. Well, uh.. i-i-it’s nice to see you, but I just have two minutes to go, and I, uh-

David Brenner: Oh, no, no.. I know! Look, I just had to ocme one more time! I mean, this is my 236th appearance! It’s pretty amazing, huh!

Johnny Carson: Well, look, uh.. David.. I-I just had a few things I want to say to Ed before I go.

David Brenner: Yeah, sure! Just look, I’m just here! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Alright. Uh.. Ed, I want to say that, uh.. you know that time we moved the show from New York to L.A.?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yeah yeah! I remember that! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. there were rumors I was gonna replace you?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yes! Yes! That’s right! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Well, I-I just wanted to say, Ed.. that it was, um.. not-

Joan Embrey: Hi, Johnny!

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays Joan Embrey onto the stage, with a cockatoo on her shoulder ]

Johnny Carson: Joan Embrey.

[ audience applauds Joan’s entrance, as she stands next to Johnny at the desk ]

Joan Embrey: I just had to come on one more time! You remember Irving the Cockatoo?

Johnny Carson: Yep.. yep..

Joan Embrey: He was your favorite!

Johnny Carson: Yeah, well.. look, um.. alright, just-just have a seat.. I-I’m talking to Ed right now, Joan, as a matter of fact.. [ Joan’s stagehands bring in a tiger cub, which she displays to everyone on the set ] Oh, I see you’ve brought a.. a whole kit and kaboodle here..

Joan Embrey: Oh yeah, I have a tiger cub here.. how about this?

David Brenner: Adorable!

[ Joan takes her seat on the couch next to Ed and Brenner ]

Joan Embrey: Hi, Ed! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: That’s right. Well, it’s been 30 years, and I just have one minute to go. Ed, I want you to know, I-I never reconsidered, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: ..replacing you, and I, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, you and I are like steaks and A-1 Sauce!

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: We’re like, uh.. Dolly Parton and- Joan, could you.. is there any way you could kinda..?

Joan Embrey: Um.. that’s Irving. I’m just afraid he’s upsetting the tiger cub.. oh boy, here we go.. oh, God..

[ suddenly, the tiger cub jumps into Brenner’s lap and begins to take a ferocious piss ]

Johnny Carson: Oh, boy.. That is.. that is just.. that’s, uh.. Anyway, Ed.. uh, can we just-

[ the tiger cub chews furiously on David Brenner ]

David Brenner: Aaagghhhh!!! Get him off me!! Get him off me!!

Ed MacMahon: Say “Uncle”, tiger!

[ Ed pounces on the tiger cub, propelling the two of them over Johnny’s desk ]

Johnny Carson: [ stunned ] I did not think our last show would end this way..

Ed MacMahon: [ screaming as he pounds on the tiger cub ] Not the way we intended-

Johnny Carson: Well, if.. if you’re just tuned in, Ed is, uh.. Ed? I guess it’s a good thing you’re drunk!

Ed MacMahon: [ pokes his head up from behind the desk ] Too drunk to be scaaared Yes, sir!

Johnny Carson: Well! Before we go, I’ve got one more thing to say..! And I hope I’m not saying it for the last time – and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiggghhtt!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Gregor Voss…..Woody Harrelson

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter.

It has been a very busy week here in Berlin. Jourgen vonKeitel’s exhibit “Scabs On Canvas” opened at the Schussel Calle,the Gertrude Bromf troupe previewed their performance in wax at theTheater of Unhappiness, and the Berlin wall was dismantled. For themasses the wall’s collapse represents freedom and opportunity. Butfor me, it is a chance to meet the most brilliant counterculturalfilmmaker in the East, Gregor Voss. Seen here on East Germantelevision last year, Voss, the suppressed visionary whose filmsinclude “The Dead Coat”, “Irritant Number 4”, and “Here Child,Finish Your Nothing”, he entered the West three days ago, and hasagreed to appear on Sprockets and speak with me, his greatest fan.Please welcome Gregor Voss.

[ Gregor Voss steps out ]

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets, Gregor Voss.

Gregor Voss: Whoo! Yah, is great to be here, Dieter.

Dieter: Gregor Voss, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation. Would you care to strike me?

Gregor Voss: This is fantastic I can’t believe I’m here! Hello West Berlin!Ich bin ein West Berliner!

Dieter: Tell me, in your film, Irritant Number 4, the only two images were a baby’s head and a toilet. Did you mean for me to scream?

Gregor Voss: Scream, ya, ya, ya. Look at this, look at this, Dieter, I’ve got great stuff here. Mountain Dew! A Remington Microscreen! They tell me it shaves as close as a blade.

Dieter: I see genius. By seemingly embracing the cliches of the West, he is underscoring its excruciating banality.

Gregor Voss: And look at this Dieter, it is a pie, but like no pie I have ever seen!

Dieter: Perfect. You are a master of, of exposing tedium. Let us look at a clip from one of your classic films.

[ the clip is played ]

Dieter: That film looks at me while I am naked and calls it’s friends.

Gregor Voss: Touchdown! Hey Dieter, I figured the trick, everytime when the ? moves to the middle you should run a sweep to the right, it always works..

Dieter: Your story has become tiresome.

Offstage Voice: Hey Gregor, when are you going to be done?

Gregor Voss: Hey, just a minute guys. Dieter, do you want to come along with us? We rented a LeBaron.

Dieter: Excuse me Gregor, but you have disturbed me almost to the point of insanity. There, I am insane now. Gregor, you were the greatest altar of emptiness, my personal ?. And now I watch you drink beer from a hat.

Gregor Voss: That’s easy for you to say Dieter, you grew up with this stuff.

Dieter: I would never drink from headgear.

Gregor Voss: Ohh, I don’t feel so good…

Dieter: Idiot.

Gregor Voss: I’m sorry, its just all that Mountain Dew, and then this pie..

Dieter: You may not touch my monkey. [In German]. You may not touch my monkey!

Gregor Voss: I’m going to be sick.

Dieter: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. That’s all the time we have, until next time, auf Wiedersehen!

Gregor Voss: Dieter, we’re meeting some girls, we’re meeting some girls later, come on Dieter!

Submitted by: Betty Smith

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Bad Expectant Mother

Marcy…..Victoria Jackson
George…..Woody Harrellson
Steve…..Phil Hartman
…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The following dramatization contains situations which may be disturbing to some viewers. It is presented as a service to “Saturday Night Live”.

[ dissolve to George’s kitchen, as Steve and Marcy enter ]

Marcy: Hi, George!

George: Oh, hey! Steve! Marcy! Come on in! [ rubs Marcy’s belly with the same hand he holds a lit cigarette in ] Ohhhh, wow! Marcy, you’re really coming along! How much longer?

Marcy: Three weeks!

Steve: Uh.. could you please put out that cigarette, George?

Marcy: It’s okay, sweetie..

Steve: Well! It’s okay for us.. but it’s not okay for that little guy in there. He’s breathing the same air you’re breathing. Now, come on, I’m serious, please!

George: Alright.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry..

Marcy: You’ll have to excuse, Steve.. he’s kind of a fanatic about this.

Steve: Well, there’s nothing fanatic about wanting a healthy child. [ looks at his watch ] Oh, I’m gonna go pick up Molly at her play group.

Marcy: Honey, they’re not done until noon.

Steve: I knowww.. but the other parents come in early, and a lot of them have colds. You know. Anyway.. [ kisses Marcy ] Back soon.

Marcy: Bye, honey.

[ Steve exits through the back door, as Marcy sighs ]

George: Boy! Mr. Worrywart, huh?

Marcy: Yeah.. He won’t even let me drink coffee.

George: Well, that’s too bad. I was just having a little cup, myself – a little Irish coffee.

Marcy: Oh.. It smells really good!

George: Hey, actually, wouldn’t Irish coffee be okay? I mean, I think the alcohol and the caffeine will probably just cancel each other out!

Marcy: [ cheering up ] I never thought of that! I’ll bet you’re right!

George: Absolutely!

Marcy: Neat!

George: [ hands Marcy a cup of coffee, and pours in whiskey to the top ] There you go – to the tippy-top! Alright, don’t worry about it, it’s our little secret – I won’t tell Steve.

Marcy: Okay!

George: Okay.

Marcy: It seems a little cold, though. Could you warm it up in the microwave for me?

George: Well.. not unless you can help me fix it, you know? I’ve been trying to glue something back on in the back, but my finger won’t reach around..

Marcy: Oh.. oh.. I’ll give it a try! [ grabs the glue, the excitement showing in her eyes ] Airplane glue! [ gives it a hearty sniff ] I always love the smell of this! [ sniffs it again ] It makes me a little light-headed, though! Okay, let me see what I can do.

George: Alright. [ opens the microwave door, as Marcy leans in with her stomach fitting perfectly inside the microwave ] Listen, uh.. do you see the part back there?

Marcy: Yeah, uh.. [ the power begins to crackle in and out, most notably inside the microwave where Marcy’s stomach is ] Near the collar! I think I’ve got it!

George: Yeah! Yeah! You got it! The power’s back on! alright, thanks a lot!

Marcy: [ pulls her stomach out of the microwave ] Oh, good! I love to fix things, only Steve doesn’t let me do anything around the house any more..

George: Ah..

Marcy: [ notices a car battery sitting in the table ] What’s this?

George: Oh. This? Well, that’s my, uh.. my old car battery. I’ve been meaning to take it downstairs, but.. it’s pretty heavy, and my back’s been bothering me..

Marcy: [ excited ] I’ll take it down for you!

George: Oh, really? Well, that would.. that would be great! Are you sure you don’t mind?

Marcy: No! [ lifts the heavy battery against her stomach ] I haven’t really exercised for a really long time..!

George: Alright. Well, okay.. watch out, watch out.. the light’s broken down there.

Marcy: Okay. [ enters the basement, but can be heard taking a tumble down the stairs ]

George: Hey! Are you alright?

Marcy: [ casually re-enters the kitchen ] Yeah.. oh, yeah.. I think.. my stomach broke the fall..

[ dissolve to Jon Lovitz standing alone, dressed to the hilt in a black tuxedo ]

Jon Lovitz: Hello.. I’m Jon Lovitz. That was my mother, thirty years ago. Fortunately, in my case, everything turned out alright. I was lucky. But if you are an expectant mother or father, please.. be careful. [ a beat ] Oh! And don’t miss the “Please Watch The Jon Lovitz Special”! Tomorrow night, on FOX!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Woody Harrelson’s Monologue

…..Woody Harrelson
…..G.E. Smith

Woody Harrelson: Thank you! Thank you! [ laughs ] Thank you very much, thank you! I’m.. I’m speechless! Alright, alright, thank you. Okay, that’s enough, thanks!

You know, it’s really good to be here tonight, you know, for the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. The show’s been on for 17 years – which is interesting, because 17 years ago today.. I was 13. Anyway, uh.. you know, I wrote a song for “Saturday Night Live” to thank then for the honor of letting me do the show, and for the pleasure they’ve given me over the years. Uh.. G.E.?

[ G.E. Smith steps forward to hand Harrelson a guitar ]

G.E. Smith: Here you go, buddy.

Woody Harrelson: Thank you, G.E.! Alright! [ sits on a stool, holding the guitar in his lap ] You know, a lot of hosts come out here, and they use this opportunity to talk about what they’re doing.. or promoting a movie, or.. you know, whatever. And I’m not saying those people are vain.. you know, but, sometimes, they get a little self-involved.. a little consumed with their success, you know, with the Hollywood lifestyle.. material stuff, you know? But I’m not about that. You know, my life is about entertaining people, about making people laugh, and that’s enough for me, alright?

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, just to be doing a show like “Cheers”.. which is considered one of the greatest shows in the history of television is plenty! Uh.. I don’t feel the need to have my ego stroked.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, for example: you know, I don’t know why actors are so infatuated with awards. I mean, you can go to my house in Beverly Hills, and you could search through after room after room after room after room.. and even check the guest house in the back, and you wouldn’t find.. my America Comedy Award or my Emmy for Best Supporting Actor. You know, it’s not like I put them up on my mantel. [ a beat ] They’re in my mountain home.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, a lot of people think, because “White Men Can’t Jump” was a box-office smash, that suddenly I’m gonna be less approachable. You know what I mean? There’s no way. I treat everyone.. like I want to be treated, and I insist.. that my bodyguards do the same.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar ]

So.. what I’m saying.. is.. it’s good to be on “Saturday Night Liive”.. it’s been on the air for 17 years, and it’s a television phenomenon.. I love these people, they’re almost like family.. and that’s why I wrote this song.

[ strums the guitar and sings ]

“It’s good to be on “Saturday Night Live”
It’s been on the air for 17 years, and it’s a television phenomenon.
I love these people, they’re almost like family
And that’s why I-I-I-I wrote this song.”

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, you people have impeccable taste! You know, that’s all I had time for, but, you know, I’m an artist, and you can’t force the creative process. You know, we’ve got a great show tonight – Vanessa Williams is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Goodnights

…..Woody Harrelson

Woody Harrelson: Thank you, everybody. I’d like to thank the cast and the crew of “Saturday Night Live”, and, of course, Vanessa and the band. Everybody take care!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.

Dr. McAndrews…..Julia Sweeney
Raymond…..Phil Hartman
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I……Kevin Nealon
Rudy…..Woody Harrelson
Dr. Griffin…..Ellen Cleghorne
Co-Ed…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on exterior, Oak Hills Women’s Health Clinic ]

[ dissolve to interior office, the room is in disarray with furniture and papers thrown everywhere, and the words “Baby Killers” spray-painted in red across the back wall ]

[ Dr. McAndrews and her personal secretary Raymond enter the room, amid crime investigators searching for clues and taking pictures ]

Dr. McAndrews: I just can’t believe this! They’ve vandalized our clinic again, they even destroyed our files! When will it stop?!

Raymond: I’m sorry, Catherine.. there’s so many narrow-minded, hateful people out there.

Dr. McAndrews: We can’t let them get away with this! We’ve gotta find these bastards, Ray, and put them behind bars!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: That’s what I’m here for, Ma’am. Gannon. P.I. P.I.

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Frank Gannon. P.I. P.I. Politically Incorrect Private Investigator.

[ return to full shot of the scene ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Ah, now let’s have a look at the damage.. [ looks around, taking notes ] Hmm.. ahh.. it’s terrible. Well, you’re lucky about one thing – at least whoever did his had the decency to leave the Baby Killer sign untouched.

Dr. McAndrews: Sign? What are you talking about, sign?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, your sign that says what you do here at the clinic. [ points to “Baby Killers” grafitti on the wall ]

Dr. McAndrews: That isn’t a sign! That’s a criminal act! An outrage!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, I admit that that.. “S” in “Killers” is a little crooked.. but, uh.. look – I’m not here to argue the asthetics of the sign. I’m here to solve a crime. Now, I was told to talk ot the Secretary.. [ checking his notes ] ..of the clinic’s governing board. So, uh.. if you could direct me to him, maybe we could get to the bottom of it.

Dr. McAndrews: I am the Secretary.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh, maybe I haven’t made myself clear. Ah, you see.. people often assume the word secretary to mean a girl – such as yourself – who answers the phone and takes dictation. It’s a common mistake. Ahh.. but in this case, what I mean by “secretary” is the man who asks as the executive.. or the administrator of the clinic.

Dr. McAndrews: I am Dr. McAndrews, the Secretary of the Clinic’s governing board, and this is my secretary – Raymond.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: [ pleased ] Ah, good! The man I want ot speak to! Now, Raymond-

[ Gannon’s assistant Rudy suddenly enters the office ]

Rudy: Sorry, I’m late, Gannon. I didn’t realize that when you got out of the car, I was supposed to get out and follow you in.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, don’t feel bad, Rudy, that’s a.. common rookie mistake. [ to Raymond ] This is, uh.. Rudy, my assistant.. [ to Rudy ] This is the Secretary of the clinic.

Raymond: Uh, I don’t think you understand.. Dr. McAndrews is in charge here. I am her secretary! I answer the phones!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, if you people would get your act together, maybe we can get this thing solved already! Let’s review, Woody.. alright.. let me tell you what we’ve got here. [ reads from his notes ] It appears that a mob of young black men, angry over the Rodney King verdict, looted the clinic and stole the files.

Rudy: A-ha.. but, Gannon, why would they steal the files of an abortion clinic?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now your inexperience is showing, Rudy. Obviously, they were looking for names and addresses of the loose owmen in the neighborhood.

Rudy: In order to impregnate them?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Bingo!

Dr. McAndrews: Are both of you insane?! Can’t you see that this is the work of a militant anti-aboryion group?!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Alright, doctor, if you know so much, tell me this: why would a mob of young black men join an anti-abortion group?

Dr. McAndrews: There were no black men!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Then, how do you explain the damage here to your clinic?

[ Dr. McAndrews throws her arms up in disgust ]

Rudy: It sounds like someone hasn’t been paying attention to the news lately.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Good point, Rudy.

[ Dr. Griffin enters, alarmed at the scene ]

Dr. Griffin: Catherine! I came down as soon as I heard! Oh, my God! This is awful..

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Whoa-oa-oa, hold on there, Miss. Would you please state your name?

Dr. Griffin: Um.. I’m Dr. Janice Griffin.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh.. oh, a doctor. So you have a PHd in African-American Studies? Or, perhaps, Jazz History?

Dr. Griffin: Excuse me, but I’m a board-certified gynecologist. A medical doctor.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, tell me, doctor.. do you have any young black men in your family that were angered over the Rodney King verdict?

Dr. Griffin: Of course! We were all angry. But why?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: I see. Rudy? Care to do the honors?

Rudy: [ as he handcuffs Dr. Griffin ] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney.. [ sounds fades out ]

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: And now a scene from next week’s episode of “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.”

[ dissolve to Gannon taking notes while speaking with a distraught Co-Ed in her college dorm ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: And.. can you describe the man who tried to attack you?

Co-Ed: Describe him? I know his name.. I know where he lives!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Wait a minute.. you know this guy?

Co-Ed: Yes! I told you we were on a date!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now, why would you date an attempted rapist?

Co-Ed: You’re an idiot!!

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Next week on “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Instead of having “answers” on a math test,
they should just call them “impressions,”
and if you got a different “impression” so what,
can’t we all be brothers?

SNL Transcripts