[Starts with Colin in his news set. There’s a picture of Tushy company’s product]
Colin Jost: New York city subway officials have rejected an ad from the company Tushy, which sells modern bidets saying the ads didn’t meet their decency standards on the subway. For more on this is—wait, Michael Che? [Michael comes in the set]
Michael Che: What’s up, Colin?
Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Wait. Michael, wait. What are you doing?
Michael Che: An Update feature.
Colin Jost: Wow.
Michael Che: So this is “SNL”.
Colin Jost: Wait, Che, I told you this was a bad idea.
Michael Che: Thanks Colin. [Cut to Michael] So I think these subway ads are great. People need to know about bidets. I just got one and it changed my life. It’s glorious. Food tastes better. I can jump higher. I want children now. I’m a better person. You know, the first time I used it, I cried. And not even because I was emotional, because the water went so far up, it came out my eyes.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Oh, god. Dude—
Michael Che: I know, I must have set the pressure too high, man. That thing sprayed me like it was trying to remove graffiti.
Colin Jost: No one wants to hear about this.
Michael Che: Shut up, Colin, you white guy! It’s better when Leslie does it. [Cut to Michael] Look, this bidet is a game changer. Gone are the days of me penguin walking to the sink with my pants around my ankles trying to wet some tissues like a fool!
Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] You know they mare wipes.
Michael Che: Baby wipes? First of all, that’s terrible for the environment and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to mention baby wipes just don’t work as well. [Cut to Michael] Using baby wipes are like eating chicken wing with a fork and a knife. But a bidet, that’s putting a whole drumstick in your mouth and pulling out a clean bone. [Cut to Michael and Colin] I’m whistling.
Colin Jost: That’s way too descriptive. Can you please, do you think these ads from bidets should be allowed on the Subway?
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] I think they should only be on the subway! You know how miserable the subway is? That’s where people need a little splash of hope the most. Besides what better metaphor for a bidet than a whooshing train zipping through a dirty tunnel? [Cut to Michael and Colin]
Colin Jost: Did you need an entire feature for this?
Michael Che: Maybe.
Colin Jost: Are you done?
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] No. Sometimes I put on propeller hat and then turn on the Bidet and try to make it spin on the top.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Michael Che, everyone.