Christmas Charity

Cecily Strong

James Franco

[Starts with Cecily speaking on the phone at a cafeteria.]

Cecily: I know, right. Yes. I know. Right. I just– I shouldn’t have to keep telling you this, okay? Don’t call me with excuses. Just call me to tell me that you fixed it, alright? No, I’m not– I’m not yelling at you. I just– I expect my assistant to work as hard as I do. Okay? What? Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too. Okay.

[Cecily hangs up the phone. She looks outside. She sees a homeless man asking people for spare change. It’s cold and he is shivering. The building security tells him to move away.] [Cut to Cecily at the cafe counter]

Can I have a coffee to go? And oh, one of these danishes please.

[Cecily walks to the man and gives him the coffee and a danish. The man smiles at Cecily. Cecily walks away. She looks back at the man as he is drinking coffee, and walks back to him. She takes the man to buy him some clothes. She buys her a lot of clothes, and now he is looking a lot better. As the man walks away, Cecily calls him again.]

Cecily: Hey, do you wanna keep going?

[The man nods his head yes. They talk to each other. Go on rickshaw ride. Cecily looks at her phone, there are many messages and missed calls from work. She just throws her phone away. They eat hotdogs together. Cecily takes him to her apartment and lets him clean himself. She is now looking for a job for him. As the man comes back, she shows her shaving cream and a trimmer to shave his beard. The man shakes his head no. Cecily insists him to shave.]

The man: No, seriously. Um, I can’t shave. It’s for a part.

Cecily: What do you mean a part? What’s that?

The man: Um, I role in a movie.

Cecily: What?

The man: Yeah, I’m James Franco. Did you not know?

Cecily: You’re James Franco?

The man: Yeah.

Cecily: Oh my god! No! I spent over $1,500 on you today. Why didn’t you say something?

The man: I mean, people give me free things all the time. I’m a famous person.

Cecily: Get out of my apartment, James Franco.

The man: Okay. Do you want an autograph or selfie?

Cecily: Oh my god! That reminds me, I threw my phone out.

The man: Yeah. I feel really bad.

Cecily: Oh!

The man: Okay.

Cecily: Get out.

The man: Alright. Should I leave these bags? Take them? [The shopping bags]

Cecily: Get out, James Franco. Oh my god! I circled jobs for you in the paper.

The man: What kind of jobs? I do a lot of jobs.

Cecily: Oh no. Don’t do that, James Franco. Not here.

The man: You have a big heart. I hope you know that.

Cecily: Oh. Thank you.

[The man walks out and Cecily closes the door]

The man: [speaking from the outside] Disaster Artist.

Cecily: What?

The man: The Disaster Artist. It’s in theaters now.

Cecily: Are you still here? Go home. Go to set.

The man: I heard the phrase ‘Oscar worthy’ a couple of times.

Cecily: [smiles] Merry Christmas James Franco.