Michael Che
Colin Jost
[Starts with Michael Che in his new set. There’s a picture of cookie dough at the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: The CDC is warning people not to eat raw cookie dough, because it may contain germs that can cause severe diarrhea. But on the bright side, you can eat cookie dough without gaining weight. In and out.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture logo of Boy Scouts of America at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: It was reported that the boy scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy in the face of declining membership. Yeah, apparently there’s some problem with their business model of hoping parents will pay adult strangers to take their children deep into the woods. [The picture changes to ‘the Sex Island’] The occasion of Sex Island, that’s a terrible transition. Didn’t know that would be back to back. That’s a weird batch to get. The location of sex island, which is a four-day drug fueled event featuring prostitutes at an exclusive resort has been revealed to be an island off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago, this according to the plane ticket I saw in [Picture of Michael Che dressed for party with a luggage and ticket in his hand] Che’s hands.
[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: See you there!
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of snakes at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: Firefighters in Texas saved more than 100 snakes including pythons and boa constrictors from a burning home, said the homeowner, “Cool, so where is my wife?” [The picture changes to a logo picture of Avenue Q] It was announced the Broadway musical “Avenue Q” about raunchy puppets will close in the spring after 15 years. But if you still want to see raunchy puppets, just head to Times Square and [Picture changes to Elmo] watch Elmo kick a pigeon.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of frogs at the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: A new study finds that frogs in the rain forests have a higher pitch called an urban frogs. Study also finds that female frogs be shopping. [Cut to Colin jost and Michael Che. Colin is laughing] I’ll stand by that joke.
Colin Jost: Since Christmas is coming up, Che and I have decided that our gifts to each other this year would be jokes.
Michael Che: Yes, so we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.
[Cheers]
Colin Jost: You want me to go first?
Michael Che: Yes, I do.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Christian cross at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: Okay. A church in Massachusetts created a nativity scene that comments on the immigration debate by placing the baby Jesus in a cage. Where he belongs.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of mobile phoneat the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: A new study shows that the average American touches their mobile device more than 2,000 times a day. “Only 2,000 times”, said my Penis.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mohammadu Buhari at the left top corner of the screen][Colin Jost can’t stop laughing looking at Michael Che]
Colin Jost: Oh god. Nigeria’s president Mohammadu Buhari for the first time denied months older where he had died and been replaced by a lookalike from Sudan. See, Arficans can’t tell black people— [Colin Jost can’t complete his joke laughing]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of hurricane from bird eye view at the right top corner of the screen][Michael Che is acting as if he can’t believe what Colin just said]
Michael Che: A new report shows that hurricane Florence was the wettest hurricane in history, the previous record for wetness was set on the opening night of [Picture changes to Magic Mike cover picture] “Magic Mike”.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at the left top corner of the screen][Colin can’t stop laughing]
Colin Jost: This is on cards. I want to switch it up a little. Che didn’t write this one. This is all me. Last week was National Rosa Parks day or as we call it in my house upady-bus-passenger day.
[Cut to Colin and Michael. They both can’t stop laughing.]
Michael Che: Merry Christmas everybody. Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.