Colin Jost
The contestant… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This Monday is the season finale of the Bachelor. Here to comment is one woman who made quite an impression early on in the season, please welcome the drunkest contestant on the Bachelor.
[The contestant slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]
The contestant: It’s very nice to meet you. Now, close your eyes.
Colin Jost: Okay.
[The contestant kisses Colin Jost]
Oh!
The contestant: I wanted to be the only person to kiss you on Update. You wanna know why?
Colin Jost: Why?
The contestant: Coz I felt a connection with you, Colin, ever since I saw an opportunity to be on TV. I’m getting emotional. You think I’m crazy? You do.
Colin Jost: No. No. Not at all. No. I just wanna hear about the finale of the Bachelor.
The contestant: You’re such a good guy. And I knew you were worth it. And I left something really good because I thought maybe it would be something really great.
Colin Jost: And what did you leave?
[Cut to The contestant]
The contestant: Saphora sales and state of Colorado.
[Cut to Colin Jost and The contestant]
You think I’m crazy and I’m not. Look at me. You haven’t made eye contact with me since we kissed. You’ve been like looking at Che and glancing at cue cards the whole time. I’m still here. And I need to see that you respect that.
Colin Jost: I promise you I respect that.
The contestant: I’m so glad you just said that. Because I know that I am great TV– I am a great woman. So, let’s start over. Can I get a second chance kiss?
Colin Jost: No. And if Leslie Jones hears about this, we’re both dead.
The contestant: Oh! I am not here to talk about other women. I’m here so other women can talk about me. And I’m not crazy.
Colin Jost: I don’t think that you’re crazy. I never would say that.
The contestant: I’m not crazy.
Colin Jost: Okay. No one here is saying that.
[The contestant is making angry face at Colin Jost]
You have such a beautiful smile. Look, I’m very sorry–
The contestant: I’m not!
Colin Jost: I’m very sorry that you did not win the Bachelor this season.
The contestant: Oh, don’t be sorry. This isn’t my last reality show. I’ll be on TV again. Coz I’m the wide awake nightmare.
Colin Jost: The drunkest contestant on the Bachelor everyone.