Bill Hader[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Bill Hader: Come on! Let’s hear it. Come on! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! Happy St. Patrick’s day. Yeah. It’s great to be back on Saturday Night Live. I was on this show for eight seasons. [cheers and applause] 210 episodes. I was nervous for every one of them and I’m nervous now. [cheers and applause] But there’s still so much I’m learning. Did you know that most hosts come on the show to promote something. Like, when they asked me to host, I said, “I’d love to but I have this new show called ‘Barry’ on HBO premiering March 25th. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?” And they said, “No. It helps.” [laughter] I didn’t know that.
Another thing I never realized is, you know, when someone does the impression of a celebrity and then the real celebrity sneaks behind them like, “Tap, tap. I just caught you.” That’s planned. [laughing] I didn’t know that. From the get go. I always thought that the celebrity was maybe walking down the street and news boy was like, “Hey, they’re doing you on the TV.” And the celebrity was like, “Honey, you and the kids take a cab home. I have to stop this.”
One thing I learned after leaving the show was that first commercial after the monologue, the ones we’re in, the ones that are like, “It’s toothpaste with crack in it.” Those are fake! I didn’t know that. You can’t buy these products.
You know, another thing I learned is you can make the monologue as short as you want. So, let’s move on to the next sketch. [The costume team walk in and starts changing his clothes on stage] What do you guys say? You guys wanna do that? See, I’m the host. I can tear the clothes off and put on new ones and it’s called the quick change. Or as they also call it a ticking time bomb. By the way, Arcade Fire is here. [cheers and applause] Also, I have three daughters watching from home. Their names are Hannah, Harper and Hailey. [The costume team are putting on a wig and doing the make up on him] They are also known in the neighborhood as the hater sisters. And they’re watching from the place called California. Roll tape![The End]