Guy Who Just Bought a Boat… Alex Moffat
Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]
Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is next week. But these days it can be tricky to navigate the early stages of romance without crossing any lines. Here with his respectful dating tips is, Guy Who Just Bought a Boat.
[Guy Who Just Bought a Boat joins Colin Jost]
Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hello. This is how we cupid. Haha. Little jokecino. This is now we cupid. Top of the $metoo to you two. Ha-ha. It’s muaah! I’m here to teach you how to score some Giney while keeping your tiny hiney on this side of the liney.
Colin Jost: Giney?
Guy Who Bought a Boat: First T-I-P, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] if you want to please that tease, don’t be skeeze. Treat her the way you’d treat a man who could give you something. AKA, with respect. I have a small penis. And fellas, women live in a dangerous world. Okay? Last week, I went on a date with a girl and five mins into din-din she gets a call that her roommate was on fire, she had to split, supes trag.
[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. That sounds like she made that up to get away from you.
Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey! Believe women. #metoo. Centimeters rock hard, three flaccid.
Colin Jost: Wait, wait, it gets smaller?
Guy Who Bought a Boat: No, fellas, if you want to make your date like the decimal system—uh, Dewey. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] Listen for those all importantante non-verby que-queues. Things like frowing, doing the thumbs down. Repeatedly saying ‘I want to go home’. God, cursed me with a bad dog. That’s hog. Tip numbero douche, make sure she is of age, like, legit league. Because you can’t spell ‘Cupid’ without the ‘See, I.D.’? You must be at least this old to ride this ride. It’s a small world. Now, let’s talk gift suites.
[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These are respectful dating tips?
Guy Who Bought a Boat: Wow, and that was man-xplaining.
Colin Jost: No, I actually don’t think it was.
Guy Who Bought a Boat: Okay. Your breast bet for getting a heart shaved box [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] is a heart shaped box. We’re talking rusty stoves, your go dives, your lili trus—That’s Lindt Lindor Truffles. Try and keep up. Remember, choco leads to taco. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost] I feel sick and bad all the time. And speaking of taco, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] bring your passports, boys, because at the end of the noche, it’s time to go south o’the border. And before long she’ll be showing you her o face. AS in, “O–kay, I’ll be doing it myself after you leave.”
[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, at least you’re reciprocating. That seems like progress for you.
Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey. What’s got three thumbs and respects chicks now? [Pointing at himself] This guy.
Colin Jost: Three? Oh, god. Guy Who Just Bought a Boat, everyone.
Guy Who Bought a Boat: See you on Bumble!
Colin Jost: For ‘Weekend Update’, I’m Colin Jost.
[Michael Che joins them]
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.