[News intro playing] It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cut to Colin and Michael on a news set]
Michael Che: What’s up everyone?
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture map marking Queens and Arlington on top right corner] Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities [The picture on top right corner changes to screenshot of Amazon shopping cart selling Queens and Arlington cities] in its cart. [The picture on top right corner changes New York city with ‘Question Deal’ tag] A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens, but I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s an Amazon picture on the top left corner] By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All of the cities who lost out must have been like, “Shut up you whiny bitches.” New York basically won the lottery, and we’re like, “Oh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.” Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, “Well back to the mines.” I know it’s going to raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of ballot machine on the top right corner] Election officials in Florida said the ballot machine overheated causing mismatch results in the recount. Word, they overheated in 2018 with all this technology. I have a watch that can count every step I take and lets me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation, but your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never have these problems? I would love to hear, “We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.” They always make it so simple to pay taxes, meanwhile to vote we have to physically line up on a Tuesday in November like getting meat rations in the 1930s.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture map of Florida with LGBTQ flag on the top left corner] A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving. [The picture on the top left corner changes to Presiden Trump and baseball player Babe Rth] On Friday president trump held the presidential medal of freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth, because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of President Trump speaking with black men standing behind him on the top right corner] Because they’re all black. President Trump announced that republicans and democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way noting makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is, “Oh lord, how much they sell us for?” Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing and probably a trap. At best it’s a good thing but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crack head. I mean it might be a great deal, but at the same time you’re like, “So this dude stole clothes from a baby?”
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Roger Stone on the top left corner] Great new report. Six days before the Wikileaks released half the emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Roger Stone who I believe runs a haunted carnival, received a text from a friend reading Hillary Clinton’s campaign will die this week, even though the actual moment her campaign died is when she said this- [Cut to Hillary Clinton speaking] “Pokemon Go to the polls!” [Cut to Colin and the picture on top left corner is of Hillary Clinton] I don’t know. Bet Trump is hoping she will Peek-A-Choose to run again.