Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.
Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.
Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.[Picture changes to pope Francis]
The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.