Jebidiah Atkinson… Taran Killam[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: The 57th annual Grammy awards are next week. Here with his reviews on nominees is someone who has been around for all 57 ceremonies. 1860s newspaper critique Jebidiah Atkinson.[Jebidiah Atkinson slides in]
Jebidiah Atkinson: Thank you, Michael. It’s an honor to be here.
Michael Che: So, Jebidiah , are you excited for the Grammy’s
Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, yes. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Who wouldn’t be excited for a night long tribute to the Spotify playlist of a 12 year old girl?[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Okay. But have you listened to all of this year’s nominees?
Jebidiah Atkinson: I have, Michael. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] I’ve heard every nominated song and have carefully judged the merit of each. As always, I think you’ll find my reviews to be thoughtful and measured. [clears throat] This year’s Grammy’s nominees make me wish I lived in a soundless vacuum of space.
Meghan Trainor, she’s all about that base, bout that base, no talent.
U2? I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. A way to delete your album. And to answer your question Bono, without you.
Iggy Azalea. Hey Iggy, wake up and smell the Azaleas, you’re white! The last time anyone stole that much from black people, everybody is still dressed like me.[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: I mean, Jebidiah , that seems pretty harsh. You didn’t like any of the nominees?
Jebidiah Atkinson: I haven’t liked any Grammy nominee ever! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] It’s been 57 years of unlistenable rubbish and I’ve reviewed it all. Here are few of my classics.
Madonna. Oh, you mean the only thing Alex can still hit. No thank you. Next!
Hall and Oates. The most talented member of that group is ‘The End’. Next!
Celine Dion. Someone turn her Celine Di-off! My heart will go on? This song is bigger disaster than the actual Titanic. And I should know, I was there[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: You were on the actual Titanic?
Jebidiah Atkinson: I certainly was. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] And if you as me, there were too many life boats. Oh! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che] Save it! That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Michael Che: Alright, Jebidiah , getting back to the Grammy’s. Is there seriously no nominees you ever liked? Like, ever! What about the Beatles? Everybody loves the Beatles.
Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, the Beatles. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] If anything, they ruined Yoko. Next!
Frank Sinatra. His only decent hits were the ones the mafia did for him. Ah!
Now we come to the worst Grammy nominee of all time, Elvis. But I probably shouldn’t do this one since the audience jumped ship over the Titanic joke.[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Yeah, you probably–
Jebidiah Atkinson: [yelling] I’m going to do it, Michael! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Elvis has left the building. Why, was there a sail across the street on Capes and Quaaludes? And those lyrics, ‘You ain’t nothing but a hound dog’. If those lyrics were any more juvenile, Michael Jackson would have tried to take napes with him. Ah! Ah![Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]
That joke too old for you? It was too old for Michael too.
Michael Che: Jebidiah Atkinson, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.