Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson
Rob Gronkowski… John Cena
Conor McGregor… Alex Moffat
John Daly… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with stage of the game ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’]
Male voice: It’s Where’d Your Money Go? With your host Charles Barkley.[Charles Barkley walks in]
Charles Barkley: Alright, hello. This is Charles Barkley. Hey there, pro athletes and welcome to Where’d Your Money Go? Where we try to teach financial security to some of the world’s most ignorant millionaires. Look, I’m not making judgements. If I managed my money well, I damn sure wouldn’t be hosting a game show. Alright, let’s meet our contestants. First, we got an all star tight end for the New England Patriots worth $15 million, it’s Rob Gronkowski.
Rob Gronkowski: What’s up, bro? It’ so awesome, haha.
Charles Barkley: Alright. Now, you’re a football player and your body is your paycheck, but once a year you trash it on a cruise called Gronk’s party ship.
Rob Gronkowski: So awesome. Just me, my five brothers, 800 friends doing lemon drop shots wearing huge sunglasses. Hit!
Charles Barkley: Oh, man! You’re like a Dave and Busters if it was a person. Next, we got a man who wears $10,000 suits and just bought $350,000 Rolls Royce, UFC fighter, Conor McGregor.
Conor McGregor: Charles, I’m not going broke, so you can take your patronizing tone and shove it up your ass.
Charles Barkley: Alright, I know you’re not broke now, but let me ask you a question. How many high school friends work for you?
Conor McGregor: Six.
Charles Barkley: Well, you better get yourself a Roth IRA, Conor. You know what that is?
Conor McGregor: Yeah. I’ve been in the IRA since protestants moved into my neighborhood.
Charles Barkley: And finally, a golfer who has lost $90 million over that past 15 years. He is currently ranked 991st in the world. It’s John Daly.
John Daly: [smoking] I’m still in playing shape, man. I’m loose as a goose.
Charles Barkley: Yeah, you’re playing golf. It’s the only professional sport where people carry your stuff. Alright, let’s take a look at our ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ categories. They’re the usual four. I spent it. I sniffed it. I lost it. She took it. Okay, the game is simple. I’m going to throw out some scenarios, and the answer to every one of them is ‘No’. You got it? Okay, good. Gronk, I’m gonna let you pick first.
Rob Gronkowski: Awesome, bro. Let’s go with the spinning.
Charles Barkley: Okay, the first question in that category. Buy a cheetah. Scenario: You’re looking for a pet but the seller warns you that this pet might eat your family. Do you still buy it?[buzzer sound] Gronk.
Rob Gronkowski: Hell, yeah. Cheetah would be awesome bro. Put some sunglasses on it and feed it Cheetos.
Charles Barkley: Gronk, let’s try to remember the rules. The answer is always ‘No.’ [buzzer sound] John Daly.
John Daly: Hell, I’ll buy that son of a bitch. It can be buddies with my shark.
Charles Barkley: That is incorrect. Once again, the answer is always ‘No.’ Remember, if you own an animal that used to belong to a drug dealer or middle eastern dictator, that’s a red flag. Okay, pick again, Gronk.
Rob Gronkowski: Ah, let’s move to I lost it.
Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there. Own a restaurant. Scenario: A man in a nightclub wants you to invest in an Asian fusion restaurant even though you have absolutely no restaurant experience and you don’t know what Asian fusion even is. Do you do it? [buzzer] Gronk.
Rob Gronkowski: Absolutely, bro. Write him a check. Wings all day.
Charles Barkley: Gronk, this is about investing. Do you know what that is?
Rob Gronkowski: Yeah, dude! I just invested $2 million in Solo Cups.
Charles Barkley: Oh, okay. How did you do that?
Rob Gronkowski: Bought a boatload of Solo Cups.
Charles Barkley: Alright, Gronk, I think you’ve eaten too many wings. Your head is full of thigh meat. Anybody else here know how to invest?
John Daly: Hell yeah, man. I just launched my own alcoholic sports drink. It’s called Smirnoff Sport. Smirnoff Sport. It’s just blue vodka.
Conor McGregor: Invest? Pfft. Why should I invest in some silly bank for years when I can go to Vegas and double my money in an hour? All I do is win, Charles.
Charles Barkley: Okay. Last time you went to Vegas, what happened?
Conor McGregor: I lost.
Charles Barkley: Conor, gambling is an addiction. I still have my issues myself. Yesterday I bet Michael Jordan $10,000 that I would get a hole in one.
Conor McGregor: the odds of that is fairly long, man.
Charles Barkley: I know. Specially because we was playing poker. Gronk, nobody got us, so why don’t you pick again?
Rob Gronkowski: Let’s go over to ‘She took it’.
Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there, Trust a Stripper. Scenario: A stripper you just met follows you home, sits you down, and then says put on this blindfold and count to 1,000. Do you do it? I’m going to give you a hint. You don’t do it. [buzzer] Conor.
Conor McGregor: I like that. She’s freaky, right? Yeah, you bloody go for it.
Charles Barkley: No! You angry little leprechaun. Remember, there’s only one answer. Anybody else? [buzzer] Gronk.
Rob Gronkowski: Sounds like a trick question. Nobody can count to a thousand, so I’m gonna go for it.
Charles Barkley: Gronk, you know the rules when it comes to strippers. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, my wife senses a pattern. Oh, man, this is terrible. I really believed that you guys would get at least one question.
Rob Gronkowski: Sorry we let you down, bro.
Charles Barkley: No, no, it’s not just me. Personally, I bet the Phoenix sons Gorilla, that one of you would get one answer right. And now I’m down $50,000. Okay, let’s just take a break. When we come back on ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ we will ask, cocaine, is it your friend?
John Daly: No, it’s your family.
Charles Barkley: No, you shut it, John Daly.