Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Julian Assange at the left top corner] Wikileaks founder and reason I put take over my computer camera, Julian Assange, was arrested at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London and dude did not go quietly.
[Cut to video clips of Julian Assange getting arrested]
Julian Assange: The UK has no civility. They must resist.
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That is not how you’re typically removed from an Embassy. That’s how you’re removed from the F Train. It was so satisfying to see and internet troll get dragged out into the sunlight. Like you can be lord of darkness on the internet, but when seven cops have you pinned to the sidewalk, you can’t be like, I summon the power of emails. Then when asked about Assange’s arrest, President Trump said this.
[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]
Donald trump: I know nothing about wikileaks. It’s not my thing. I know there is something having to do with Julian Assange. I know nothing really about him. It’s not my—It’s not my deal in life.
[Cut to Colin Jost. The picture is now of Donald Trump.]
Colin Jost: What is your deal in life? I’m just genuinely curious since you brought it up. Also you cannot say that wikileaks is not your deal because at some point it was like your whole deal.
[Cut to different video clips of Donald Trump’s speeches]
Donald Trump: This wikileaks ins unbelievable. Boy, I love reading those wikileaks. This wikileaks is fascinating. It’s been amazing what’s coming out in wikileaks. I love wikileaks.
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: You’re more obsessed with wikileaks than this audience with [The picture changes to BTS] BTS.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner]
Michael Che: President Trump is considering releasing detained immigrants into sanctuary cities to send a message to democrats. What’s the message? Have some more voters? Yeah, man, that will show them. I don’t know how they’re going to handle a bunch of immigrants in a city like New York. You can’t scare us with more immigrants. That just means faster ubers and more elmos. Or maybe he should send immigrants to [Picture changes to New York city] New York. I know a huge building on fifth avenue where nobody wants to live anymore. [Picture changes to Trump Tower]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flag at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Just one day after Kristjen Nielsen resigned as head of Homeland Security, the White House says the Director of the Secret Service is leaving as well. So right now we have no secretary of Homeland Security, no Secretary of Defense, no Head of I.C.E., No head of the Secret Service, and no U.N. Ambassador. At this point our nation’s security is just one of those [Picture changes ring doorbell camera] ring doorbell cameras.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Stephen Miller at right top corner]
Michael Che: Trump adviser Stephen Miller also wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in tent cities. Fun fact, tent city is also what Stephen Miller gets anytime a girl talks to him.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of calendar marked at 15 at left top corner]
Colin Jost: And this Monday is tax day. So, if you haven’t paid any taxes yet, you’re amazon.