[Michael Che on news set]
Michael Che: The NBA season is one month old, and one of the biggest stories is the Los Angeles Lakers, who are off to a slow start. Here to talk about it is the father of Lakers point guard Lonzo Ball, Lavar Ball.
Lavar Ball: [Lavar slides on a chair into the screen] All right. What’s up Michael?
Michael Che: How are you doing?
Lavar Ball: How are you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible.
Michael Che: You’ve been outspoken about your son Lonzo playing more minutes. How is he doing?
Lavar Ball: Amazing! [Cut to Lavar] He ain’t no rookie no more. Now it’s his time, his team, he’s the king of L.A. Standing reservations at Spago. Best friends with Jack Nicholson. And he was just named Best New Starlet at the adult video awards. Never lost. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]
Michael Che: Well, I heard rumors that LeBron James thinks you’re a distraction and doesn’t want you around the team.
Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Man! Don’t you tell me about no LeBron James! Me and LeBron are best friends, BFF-esses, picnics in the park, brunch on Sundays, always from a respectable 500 feet away. Would I never violate the restraining order, never with the violations?
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] I mean even with LeBron, the Lakers are still off to a slow start. Do you think they need maybe more experience?
Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Hell no! What they need is a great coach, and I’ve got the perfect choice, me!
Michael Che: You?
Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That’s right. I would be an incredible coach, man. [Cut to Lavar] The first thing I’m going to do is make some personnel changes. Yeah, we’re going to be unstoppable with the starting lineup of LeBron, my older son Lonzo, my middle boy Liangelo, my youngest Lamelo, and my other son who was recently rescued from the matrix, Lemorpheous. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]
Michael Che: Now, your actual sons Liangelo and Lamelo just spent a year playing in Lithuania on a team you created.
Lavar Ball: You’re damn right, The Big Baller League.
Michael Che: How did they handle it?
Lavar Ball: What?
Michael Che: How did they handle?
Lavar Ball: Oh, [Cut to Lavar] they loved it. They could be rich teenagers in L.A., but instead, they were in lovely town of Villous, living the big baller lifestyle. Pierogi for breakfast, pierogi for lunch, and for dinner the burneyest cabbage dessert of Bucharest. It will run right through you like the China’s Huji river.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That sounds rough, man.
Lavar Ball: Oh you jealous? That we be ballin out every day. We just signed [Cut to Lavar] a Lucrative three-figure deal with the biggest video game console in all of Lithuania, the PlayStation 2 and the baller just had their grand finale game against the London Lions in Britain’s number one sport venue.
Michael Che: Wembley Stadium?
Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] No, the Cover Box Arena in Stratford. This week, basketball. Next week, a production of “Sweeney Todd.”
Michael Che: That’s a long way from coaching the Lakers.
Lavar Ball: How dare you? [Cut to Lavar] My son owns that team. He owns the city. And he also owns the patent to the only sneaker that tracks your genealogy. Introducing the 23-SO3Es.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] Track your genealogy, how does that even work?
Lavar Ball: Easy. You just get your grand mama to fill the shoe up with spit and in five to eight weeks will tell you her heritage with up to 14% accuracy. Never fully sure. Never fully sure.
Michael Che: Lavar Ball everybody. Weekend Update, Michael Che.