Michelle Compton… Ego Nwodim
Kevin Dozier… Kenan Thompson
Gill Scott… Bill Burr[Starts with ‘The Blitz’ intro] [Cut to the set]
Michelle: Good morning. Welcome to ‘The Blitz’. I’m Michelle Compton. With me as always is Hall of Fame receiver Kevin ‘Cash’ Dozier and the incomparable Gill Scott. How are you gentlement?
Kevin: Well, I’ve been better, Michelle.
Gill: I’ll tell you. I am fired up today, Michelle, because how about them bears?
Michelle: Okay. I see. Gill is excited to talk about Chicago’s win over Tempa.
Gill: No, no, no. That wasn’t just a win. That was a statement to the rest of the NFL. And I specifically remember my esteemed colleague, Mr. Hall of Famer here not only called me a stupid idiot for believing in Chicago, but you even bet me a steak dinner at Lombardo’s that they’d lose. Don’t even try weaseling out of it like you always do.
Michelle: Okay. Alright. Gill seems very happy here.
Gill: I am– I am more than happy. Last night was like, the best night of my life. I’m gonna put my bears gear on here, huh? I haven’t eaten all day to make room for that steak you owe me, buddy. Oh, I see Mr. Quiet over there doesn’t have much to say, do you? Look at you. You’re about to cry or something.
Kevin: No, I just– I didn’t actually watch the game.
Gill: Oh, I bet you didn’t, coz you owe me a steak.
Kevin: Well, as I was saying, I didn’t watch the game after hearing about Kareem Jenkins, the black man who was shot by police last night. It was a terrible tragedy.
Michelle: Yeah, me neither, Kevin. Football, sports in general, everything just feels so small after yesterday’s tragedy.
Kevin: Yeah. I totally agree, Michelle. All I can watch was the news coverage of the ongoing protest and riots.
Michelle: Oh, yeah. And that speech from his parents, it was truly heart breaking.
Gill: Yeah, yeah. I mean that was truly heartbreaking.
Michelle: Gill, but since you watched the game last night, if you–
Gill: I mean– I mean I watched some of the game. But I was flipping back and forth between the news. But I was mostly watching the news.
Kevin: Ah. You’re stronger man than I am, Gill. Coz I couldn’t stomach one second of football last night.
Michelle: I went out and spoke with some protestors.
Gill: And just to be clear, there was a ticker score at the bottom of the news. I mean, that’s what I was watching. You know what? I think I should take this crap off. [pulls off his bears hat.]
Kevin: Actually, I’m sorry to cut you off, Gill, but I just have to say this into the camera. As a black man, I wanna know when is this all gonna stop?[A waiter brings in a steak to Gill that he won on bet]
Michelle: I’m sorry to stop you, Kevin, but there’s something going on here.
Gill: Okay. This is awkward. But I thought Kevin might welch on our steak bet like he always does, so I thought it would be fun to have Lombardo’s send the stuff directly to the studio as a joke. So, I’m sorry. Please continue.[There’s another waiter holding a big baby bottle by Kevin’s side.]
Waiter: And for the big baby.
Gill: That’s my fault. That’s my fault.
Kevin: What the hell? What is this?
Gill: It’s a baby bottle. Coz I thought you were gonna make excuses for the Bucks losing. It was supposed to be funny.[Waiter walks in with a pepper crusher]
Waiter: Fresh crack pepper, sir?
Gill: No, no, that’s fine. That’s fine.
Waiter: Fresh crack pepper for your steak, sir?
Gill: No, no. I don’t even want this. I don’t even want this.
Waiter: Is it not the right temperature, sir?
Gill: No, I can tell by looking at it, it’s perfect. Just get it out of here.
Michelle: You know, Kevin, why don’t you finish what you were saying while Gill enjoys his juicy steak.[Now, a baby face filter is applied on Kevin]
Kevin: Yeah. So, as I was saying, as a black man, I am sick and tired of asking– Ay! Is that a filter on me?
Gill: I told the booth to do that. Cut it out, guys. Please. Just get this stupid steak out of here, man. Please.
Waiter: Sorry about that guys. I’ll just throw that right now.
Gill: Just wrap it up or something.
Waiter: It’s no problem. We can throw it away.
Gill: Can you please get rid of it? Well, might as well wrap it up now that you have it.
Waiter: Okay. Whatever you want.
Gill: Keep it out in the open. Look, I just want to say what happened–
Kevin: Why don’t you just eat the steak, Gill?
Michelle: Yeah, get over it.
Gill: I don’t want to eat the steak. Okay? I just– We shouldn’t waste it, right? I mean, it smells so good. So, let’s just wrap it up and put it in the break room. Someone will eat it eventually.
Michelle: Gill, you don’t have to pretend, okay? You don’t have to pretend you’re upset, okay? You clearly are not.
Gill: I am upset. Give me a camera. [looks right into the camera] I want to make this perfectly clear that I do not support nor will I be defined by the comments of a couple of trolls. What happened last night is completely unacceptable and it breaks my heart what happened to that guy.
Michelle: What guy?
Gill: The guy you were talking about.
Kevin: Yeah, but what’s his name?
Gill: You said it earlier.
Gill: God, you know, there’s so many guys to it’s name. [looking and pointing at the camera] And that’s the problem. You know what? Give me the steak. I saw a homeless guy. I can give it to him.[Waiter walks in with a packed paper bag]
Waiter: Alright, here you go, sir.
Gill: Thank you.[The waiter walks to Kevin with a bill]
Waiter: I was told that you’d take care of the bill?
Kevin: Man, I ain’t paying the damn bill.
Gill: [shouting] See? See? I knew he was gonna welch on it. Every time! Come on, man. Deal’s a deal. Chicago Bears, baby!