Richard Perquest… Kenan Thompson
Tania Katank… Maya Rudolph[Starts with Beck passing the news to the dance crew]
Beck: Okay dancers, gather around. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but just when we got the clear to go back in the rehearsal, our choreographer tested positive for covid. Turns out you can get it from kissing.
Chris: Okay. Well, Fauci should have said that.
Lauren: Not to worry because I’ve found a last minute replacement. While Jenet is in quarantine, please welcome our new choreographer, Richard Perquest.[Richard Perquest walks in limping.]
Richard Perquest: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good morning hoopers. I am Richard Perquest and I am honored to do anything I can to help broadway get back to it’s dancing feet. So, I hope you’re ready to sweat, jump and stretch.
Beck: Wait. Donna, I’m so sorry. I thought I was supposed to hire the choreographer. I hired Tania Katank.
Richard Perquest: Did you say Tania Katank?[Tania Katank walks in]
Tania Katank: He sure did. And is that Richard Perquest? No, no, no, no. Tania Katank doesn’t work with Richard Perquest.
Richard Perquest: Oh contrary, it is Richard Perquest that does not share the stage with Tania Katank. Not anymore.
Lauren: Wow. Sorry for the mix up. But I guess we’ll go with Richard since he was here first.
Tania Katank: What? Are you serious? He’s a hack, he’s a quack and he’s got a bad back.
Richard Perquest: Excuse me. You cannot talk to me like that. Do you seriously think that you are a better choreographer than me?
Tania Katank: Does this answer your question? [dancing] Ba-ba-ba-ba-cuk.
Richard Perquest: Alright. That is it, Katank. May I speak to you in private by that big water bottle?
Tania Katank: Um, the water cooler?
Richard Perquest: No, by that big bottle of water.
Tania Katank: That’s a water cooler.
Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the water cooler]
Tania Katank: What?[romantic music playing]
Richard Perquest: [holding Tania Katank’s shoulders] I miss you. I want to be with you.
Tania Katank: You do? You want to be with me?
Richard Perquest: Yes. I made a huge mistake. I miss your skin, your bones, your hair and your eyes. I want to be with you.
Tania Katank: Oh. Like, when I used to go into the garden with no shorts on and bend over to pick carrots and you’d see everything?
Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me again. I want to be with you.
Beck: [looking confused] Okay.
Chloe: Are we on break? Because it seems like we’re on break.
Beck: No. We’re not on break. Mr. Perquest, Ms. Katank, have we come to an agreement?[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk close holding their hands]
Tania Katank: Yes. We’ll do it together.
Lauren: Well, we can only pay one of you.
Tania Katank: Then the deal’s off.
Richard Perquest: what?
Tania Katank: You heard me. Katank takes care of Katank.
Richard Perquest: Jesse-belle.
Andrew: Are we dancing today or not? Because I want to show off.
Richard Perquest: May I see you by that black end window?
Tania Katank: The what?
Richard Perquest: The black end window.
Tania Katank: You mean the chalkboard?
Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the chalkboard] [romantic music playing]
Tania Katank: What?
Richard Perquest: I need to be with you. I need to be all over you.
Tania Katank: You do? All over me? Everywhere?
Richard Perquest: Yes. I want to be on you like food on a plate.
Tania Katank: Like when I used to go into the chicken coop without my skirt and I’d bend over to talk to a chicken and you could see everything?
Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me now.
Tania Katank: No. Alright. No. I’ll show you just a little bit of it.
Lauren: No. Please don’t do that.
Beck: It would be great if one of you would just start choreographing the show.[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk near holding hands]
Richard Perquest: I will do it and I will give the money to her.
Tania Katank: Why? Because you’re the man? Forget it, Perquest, you sexist. The deal’s off.
Richard Perquest: What? May I see you by that picture of JonBenét Ramsey?
Tania Katank: That’s not JonBenét Ramsey. That’s a poster of Anne.
Richard Perquest: I don’t care who it is. Just meet me there.
Chris: No! We are not gonna let you ruin our show because you two can’t resolve your differences.
Richard Perquest: Fine. You want to see a dance? I’ll show you a dance.
Tania Katank: Hah! Well, I can’t wait to see this.
Richard Perquest: Well, you’re about to see it. And this is the first count of eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.[Beck’s jaw is dropping]
Tania Katank: Again! Do it again.
Richard Perquest: My pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat–
Tania Katank: Wait, wait. Not so fast. Bring me with you.
Richard Perquest: With pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe. Come on everybody. Let’s save the broadway. [everyone joins him] Five, six, seven, eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.
Lauren: This is bad, right?
Richard Perquest: [to Tania Katank] Now, will you show me everything?
Tania Katank: Everything.