Michael
The girl… Cecily Strong
Colin Jost
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]Michael Che: And now, break of the Ebola virus continues to spread through western Africa with America and other countries scrambling to hell. Here with her take on this sensitive subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.
[The girl slides in] [cheers and applause]The girl: Welcome back.
Michael Che: So, where have you been?
The girl: I went to my birthday trip to Israel.
Michael Che: Really? Are you Jewish?
The girl: Wow! The fact that you even ask me that makes you a spigot, and no, I’m not Jewish.
Michael Che: Okay. So, what do you think about this Ebola outbreak?
[Cut to The girl]The girl: What do I think about it? Michael, it’s all I’m thinking about, okay? [Cut to The girl and Michael Che. Michael Che is annoyed.] I’m thinking about it 25/7, okay? This isn’t just an outbreak Michael, it’s an outrage. Okay? It’s an Obama-nation. [Cut to Michael Che] It’s un-com-pre-hen-dal-ble! And these people, aren’t even sick of Ebola. They’re sock of hypocraty.
[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]Michael Che: I think they’re also sick from the Ebola, which is what we were here to talk about.
The girl: Wait, let me man-splain this for you in terms, you can man-derstand. Okay? Because right now, sorry, but you look like a broke record. You’re being like a fetish’s dictator. Okay?
[Cut to The girl. She looks at her phone]Uh! Swipe left.
[The girl puts her phone down]Because this might like, shock you, but most Americans only use The 10% of my brain. Michael, no offence, but that’s how they’re getting across their border. [Cut to The girl and Michael Che] Like, why are we even?
Michael Che: Why are we even what? Are we gonna talk about Ebola, because if not, there’s other–
The girl: People need to wake up, Michael. We’re living in a post facial society. [Cut to The girl] Walmart, Happy meals, the Winnerlympics, they’re babies in China who don’t even know they’re adults. And it’s like every five minutes, another species.
[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]Michael Che: Another species what?
The girl: [slowly points to Michael] Exactly! [The girl gestures to her mind blown.] I just spilled your brains out. I just spilled your brains out. [Cut to The girl] I hate to burn your bubble but if Neil Degrasse Tyson is that smart, why you buy that guy giraffe?
[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]I got to give you something. [The girl looks into her clutch.] Do you have a crush on anyone right now? Don’t say me.
Michael Che: Well, actually it is this girl called Jessica–
[Cut to The girl]The girl: I have a crush on Gandhi. But, I’m sure Jessica discovered India too. [The girl looks over] Who is that guy?
[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and The girl.]Michael Che: That’s Colin.
The girl: He looks like my ex. [Cut to The girl] He died at burning man.
[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]This is an authentic Mexican jumping bean. I got it urban offeners. [The girl looks away and starts calling out] Devin! Devin!
Michael Che: Who are you yelling at?
The girl: Devin. She’s my scariest friend. You have like, really kind eyes.
Michael Che: Thank you.
The girl: You’re welcome. Can I take a selfie with you?
Michael Che: I guess.
[The girl takes a selfie with Michael Che]The girl: My dad’s gonna really hate that.
Michael Che: Alright! Girl at the party, everyone!
The girl: Devin! [Looks at Michael Che] You have to eat that.