Host 1…..Micheal Che
Host 2…..Colin Jost
Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of Florida inside the prison with a tag ‘FELON VOTING RIGHTS’ in the right top corner] A new initiative is on the ballot in Florida this November that would restore voting rights to people with felony convictions. I think this is a very important issue, especially when you consider the millions of black and brown men that have been unfairly incarcerated and should have the right to vote. Now, if you disagree with me, let me remind you, [top right corner picture changes to Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] it’s a very scary time for young men in America. You can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of. See, it’s a good line.[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Arizona and cake with a tag ‘FIRE DAMAGE’ at top left corner]
Colin Jost: And Arizona fire that caused millions in damage began when a father at a gender reveal party used a high-velocity firearm to shoot a target that exploded. So we don’t know the gender, but we do know who’s getting custody.
(Sorry.)[top left corner picture changes to a goat with colorful horns with a tag ‘PARTY GOATS’]
A popular new trend in Los Angeles are Party Goats which are goats that are brought to parties and jump on people’s backs. Meanwhile, in China, a popular new trend is studying math and science.
Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a white bottle of whiskey with Game of Thrones theme with a tag ‘NEW WHISKEY in the right top corner] The makers of Johnny Walker are introducing a series of whiskey inspired by Game of Thrones. The whiskeys are so strong that you’ll forget she’s your aunt.[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of barber seat with a tag ‘ 8-YEAR-OLD BARBER’ at top left corner]
Colin Jost: An eight-year-old in Pennsylvania has become a barber and now gives free haircuts to kids in the neighborhood and guess what? [top left corner picture changes to a picture of a young girl cutting a young boy’s hair messed up] They suck.[top left corner picture changes to a picture of two penguins with a tag ‘ABDUCT BABY PENGUIN’]
A zookeeper in Denmark reported that a gay penguin couple abducted a baby penguin while his parents were swimming. [top left corner picture changes to a screenshot of grandma’s email] This according to an e-mail from my grandma titled “FW: FW: FW: What Obama Did.”
Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a Starbucks logo with a tag ‘BARISTAS COMPLAIN’ in the right top corner] Starbucks baristas in Seattle are saying they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores every day by drug users. Meanwhile, over at 7ELEVEN, [top right corner picture changes to a picture of 7Eleven coffee being stirred by medical needle] they’re using them as stirrers.