Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Narrator” It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Steven Cohen eating a fried chicken in conference at left top corner] Well, this Thursday in congress was ‘Take your chicken to work’ day. What happened was Attorney General William Barr refused to show up for a congressional hearing because I guess our country just has no rules anymore. So, democrat Steve Cohen brought in a prop chicken in a bucket of KFC to make the hilarious and subtle point that Barr is a chicken. Yeah, it was awful. You know who hated it, the other people in the room who had to smell and watch an old man go to town on a bucket of chicken at 9 in the morning. Think about the poor intern who had to go find a KFC at dawn to order a 12-piece bucket and then be like, “Oh, no, it’s for my boss, he’s a congressman.”
[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at right top corner]
Michael Che: House judiciary chairman Jerrold Nadler said that if the justice department doesn’t hand over the unredacted Mueller report by Monday, he will initiate contempt proceedings against Barr. Man, just steal the damn report. Why is this so complicated? They found 30,000 of Hillary’s deleted emails, I’m sure you can find a bootleg copy of that Mueller report somewhere. Why do they keep trying to play by the rules with this guy? Democrats deal with [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Trump like white parents deal with screaming kids at supermarkets. Trump’s just kicking over pickle jars and knocking over boxes. And they’re like, “I’m going to count to 40, mister.”
[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Congressman Nadler, who was recently unmasked by the Scooby-Doo gang, criticized William Barr for skipping his testimony, saying Mr. Barr’s moment of accountability will come soon enough. And just for reference, here’s a list of everyone democrats have held accountable since Trump got elected.
[Cut to a screen with title ‘Everyone democrats held accountable’]
[Pop-rock music playing]
[These names drop in the list: Scott Pruitt (sort of), Roseanne, That’s it!]
[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at left top corner.]
[Colin is drinking his coffee.]
I thought it would be longer.
[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner]
Michael Che: President Trump and several members of his family sued Deutsche Bank and Capital One to prevent them for answering a congressional subpoena for information about Trump’s finances. All right, fine. But what kind of billionaire banks with capital one? Could you imagine seeing Donald Trump balling out at a Bentley car dealership like, “Yeah, just put in my rewards card.” “Oh, you can’t, cause it over $2,000?” Well, okay, that sounds wild.
[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Yesterday president Trump called Vladimir Putin and discussed the Mueller report, and here is how Trump described the call.
[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: We discussed and he actually sort of smiled when he said something to the effect that it started off as a mountain and it ended up being a mouse.
[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know if that metaphor is more confusing in Russian or in Trump’s English. Also, can we just hear that first part again?
[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: He actually sort of smiled.
[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: He smiled through the phone? I don’t know, man. Just to sum up the state of our country right now, our president is hearing smiles. [Picture changes to a chicken statue on a conference desk] Our congress is talking to chickens. And the thing people seem angriest about is that [Picture changes to animated Sonic the Hedgehob] Sonic the Hedgehog has human teeth.
[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Bill De Blasio at right top corner]
Michael Che: New York city mayor Bill De Blasio is expected to announce next week that he will be running for president. But since it’s De Blasio, he won’t be running nights or weekends.