SNL Transcripts: Hugh Laurie: 12/13/08: Blagojevich Hearing

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Blagojevich Hearing

C-SPAN Announcer…..Jim Downey
Christopher Dodd…..Darrell Hammond
Rod Blagojevich…..Jason Sudeikis
Evan Bayh…..Will Forte
Richard Shelby…..Bobby Moynihan
Elizabeth Dole…..Casey WilsonRobert Byrd…..Bill Hader
Patti Blagojevich…..Kristen Wiig

[Open on C-SPAN bumper that reads: “LATER: President Bush Addresses Elementary School Students.”]

C-SPAN Announcer: Later, President Bush attempts to justify his place in history to a group of skeptical third graders. But first [C-SPAN bumper dissolves to another bumper that reads: “NEXT: Governor Blagojevich (D-IL) Testifies Before Senate Banking Committee.”], we take you live to a hearing of the Senate Banking Committee, where Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is about to shake down Congress for money.

[Dissolve to a wide shot of the Senate Banking Committee members, Senator Richard Shelby, Senator Elizabeth Dole, Senator Christopher Dodd, Senator Evan Bayh (though the name plate is misspelled, “Byah”), and Senator Robert C. Byrd, seated as the hearing commences amid the studio audience’s cheering and applause]

Christopher Dodd: Governor Blagojevich, you’ve asked for an opportunity to address this committee today, in order to request your own personal bailout package, which you claim is essential if you are to, quote, “achieve true financial independence and enjoy the lifestyle you’ve always dreamed of,” end quote.

[Cut to Governor Rod Blagojevich, seated across from the Senate Banking Committee panel, nodding]

Rod Blagojevich: F[bleep]in’ A, Senator.

Christopher Dodd: You’re currently facing federal charges for attempting to sell, to the highest bidder, the Illinois Senate seat left vacant by the election of Senator Obama. Why do you feel entitled to a government bailout?

Rod Blagojevich: First of all, Senator, because it was a federal prosecutor who spiked my deal to sell the Senate seat in the first place. And second, because if I don’t get this bailout, I swear to God, I will appoint some psycho motherf[bleep]er who will tear this fr[bleep]in’ place apart! Believe me—I will do it and you will NOT be happy!

Christopher Dodd: Fair enough. The chair recognizes the gentleman from Alabama.

Richard Shelby: Governor Blagojevich, I have looked over your proposal here, and I will agree: it is quite detailed. You have offered to appoint a well-qualified senator chosen by your state legislature, and in return, you asked for the following: $750,000 in cash, your Visa and Discover cards paid, your nephew Mickey appointed head of the Centers for Disease Control, U.S. attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, quote, “whacked,” and—and the leather jacket pictured on page 112 of the October GQ.

Rod Blagojevich: Mm-hmm. That’s right. It’s the one Troy Aikman’s wearing.

Richard Shelby: Well, right off the bat, I can tell you, a couple of these items are going to be difficult.

Rod Blagojevich: Uh-huh. All right. What about an ambassadorship?

Evan Bayh: Uh, excuse me. An ambassadorship?

Rod Blagojevich: Yeah. Like, I don’t know, Turkey.

Evan Bayh: Governor, let’s be clear: you are not going to be named ambassador to Turkey. Uh, right now, that’s one of our most sensitive diplomatic posts.

Rod Blagojevich: [chuckling] Hey, relax [puts up his hands defensively], I’m not actually going to go there. It’s a no-show job.

Evan Bayh: Well, forget it.

Rod Blagojevich: All right, well, in that case, I guess I’ll have to appoint myself to the Senate.

[Everyone on the Senate Banking Committee panel groans, “No!” and “Come on!”]

Rod Blagojevich: Let me—uh, let me ask you guys something. What do senators make these days?

Christopher Dodd: $169,300 a year.

Rod Blagojevich: Fr[bleep]k?! That’s it?!

Christopher Dodd: That’s it.

Rod Blagojevich: With health benefits?

Christopher Dodd: Yes.

Rod Blagojevich: And what about the hours? Do you guys have to come in on Mondays and Fridays?

Elizabeth Dole: I wouldn’t get too deep into this, Governor. I’m fairly certain this body is not going to seat you.

Rod Blagojevich: Really?

Elizabeth Dole: And—and let me add something: In my opinion, you are a disgrace to the state of Illinois. [briefly considers what she just said]: Well, maybe not to Illinois, but you know what I’m sayin’. If you were the governor of any other state, you would be a disgrace to that state.

Rod Blagojevich: [after a brief silence] F[bleep]k you! [a beat]: Hey, would any of you guys be interested in purchasing the actual wedding ring of President Abraham Lincoln? ‘Cuz I got it, and yes, it is for sale–$250 G’s. [slides in a wooden jewelry case and opens it, revealing a skeleton hand with a gold wedding band on the ring finger]: The hand is included…unless, of course, you don’t want the hand.

Robert Byrd: Uh, uh, are we to infer, Governor, this sacred artifact was looted from the tomb of our 16th President on the Illinois State Capital Ground?

Rod Blagojevich: Well, let’s just say that, on completion of the sale, the buyer will receive a certificate of authenticity…along with the videotape to back it up.

Robert Byrd: My God, you’re nothing but a common grave-robber! A body snatcher! A resurrectionist!

Rod Blagojevich: [as he closes the jewelry case] Senator, I did not come here to be called names. Do you want the ring or not?

Robert Byrd: NO, I don’t want the ring!

Rod Blagojevich: Fine, fine. Suit yourselves. I’ve got a buyer in Japan who’s offered two million yen. I just thought it would be nice if the ring stayed here in this country, that’s all. Cowch[bleep]s!

Evan Bayh: Governor, I think what you’re doing is just plain wrong, and I hope you realize two million yen is only about $18,000.

Rod Blagojevich: Really? [realizes he’s been cheated]: That motherf[bleep]er!

[Rod Blagojevich’s wife, Patti, suddenly leans into the frame]

Patti Blagojevich: I wanna be on the board of NASA!

Christopher Dodd: Would security please remove this person?

Rod Blagojevich: No, no, no, Senator, this is my wife, Patti.

Patti Blagojevich: [to Rod] I wanna be on the board of NASA!

Rod Blagojevich: No, sweetie, honey. Look, they’re not gonna. They say you’re not qualified.

Patti Blagojevich: Well, f[bleep]k them! I just got my Class 3 real estate license.

[Cut to a brief reaction shot of Senators Dodd and Bayh watching Patti chew out her husband]

Rod Blagojevich: [covers the microphone at his side] Honey, why don’t you go wait in the car?

Patti Blagojevich: [points at him accusingly] You promised. F[bleep]ker! [leaves. Rod looks slightly embarrassed]

Christopher Dodd: Well, Governor, I think this committee has heard about enough today. Unless you have something more to add, I move we adjourn this hearing.

Rod Blagojevich: Okay, just one thing, Senator. I want to thank the committee for allowing me to testify here today. It really is an impressive setting—this hearing room. And I think we can all agree; it would be a real shame if something were to happen to it.

Christopher Dodd: [not following] What do you mean?

Rod Blagojevich: Oh, you know, like—you know, like a fire or something. These old buildings with the old wiring—they’re always catching fire. If you’re interested, I, uh, I have some friends who can keep an eye on the place when no one’s around. They can also watch your cars, too—$2500 a month.

Evan Bayh: You want the government to pay you extortion money in return for not burning down the U.S. Capitol Building?

Rod Blagojevich: That is what I’m proposing. Yes.

Christopher Dodd: Governor, let me ask you: are you retarded?

Rod Blagojevich: [offended by the question] Hey, hey! First of all, Senator, the correct term is, “developmentally challenged.” And yes, I am mildly developmentally challenged. Though, obviously, it has not affected my performance as governor.

[Cut to Senators Dodd and Bayh, stunned over Blagojevich’s stupid remark]

Rod Blagojevich: But I can see I’m wasting my time here, so you know what? [slides the jewelry case with Abraham Lincoln’s wedding ring inside towards him]: I think I’ll just head over to the Supreme Court, to see if any of those guys are any easier to deal with, instead of you stupid f[bleep]s. [presents a pink parking slip]: So, if you’ll just validate my parking ticket here, I’ll be on my way. And one last thing: Go f[bleep]k yourselves! Also: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Submitted by: Candy Young

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