Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1










09a: Megan Fox / U2

Biker Chick Chat

Dawn....Jenny Slate
Beth....Kristen Wiig
Donna....Megan Fox

[Opens with hard rock music in a room with the walls filled with license plates and a leather sofa]

[Biker Chick Chat logo]

Announcer: It's Biker Chick Chat with Dawn.

[Dawn dances to the rock, she wears acid-wash jeans, black shirt, jacket vest, big sprayed hair]

Dawn: Welcome to Biker Chick Chat. I'm Dawn. I do me. This is my show. Either love it or change the frickin' channel. Ok? I'd like to introduce my frickin' co-host, my mom's best friend. Please welcome, Beth.

[Beth is smoking, she nods, she has jean shorts, tank top, frizzy blond hair]

Dawn: Hey, Beth. What'd you do this weekend?

Beth: I frickin' drank beer and made jean shorts.

Dawn: I frickin' love you.

Beth: I frickin' know. So, who's your first guest?

Dawn: Are you frickin' kidding me right now? It is who it always is, it’s my frickin' best friend, Donna!

Beth: Get off my frickin' back! I know its Donna. I was just trying to make an atmosphere.

Dawn: Then bust into a frickin' Yankee Candle Store and get a frickin' Bayberry candle.

Beth: You know what? [throws ashtray against the wall]

Dawn: You frickin' just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head. You know what? You stood up for yourself and I fuckin' love you for that.

[Jenny puffs her cheeks once she realizes she said "fuckin'" instead of "frickin'"]

Beth: [cigarette dangling from her lip] You're in my heart, babe. You're in my heart.

Dawn: All right. I swear to God, I'll do anything for my first guest. One time the mom of the ex-girlfriend of my current boyfriend at the time frickin' came over to my frickin' family house and tried to throw one of those frickin' tray loads of burning hot ass jalapenos peppers in my face. Donna threw a jacket over my face, how many times do I have to frickin’ say this? She saved my frickin' face! For cryin' out loud! Give it the freak up for Donna.

[Donna comes out with a big plaster on her leg]

Dawn: You ok?

Donna: You ok?

Dawn: You ok?

Donna: You ok?

Dawn: You ok?

Donna: You ok?

Dawn: You ok?

Donna: I’m alright.

Dawn: Ok.

Donna: I will. And if you don't like it, don't have me on your friggin’ show.

Dawn: I frickin' love you. I see you got some new plaster.

Donna: Yeah, I frickin’ fell off a dirt bike in a dirt bike store.

Dawn: How'd that happened?

Donna: You just frickin' fall down and the next thing you know your face is on the frickin' floor and that beautiful bike is sleeping on top of you.

Beth: You know, the frays from my frickin' jean shorts got twirled up in my frickin' spokes on my boyfriend's dirt bike once. He drove off and it ripped these ladies off, leaving my girl buck nude and by girl I mean my frickin' front bum. This. [points at her crotch] Ya know what? [throws another ashtray against the wall]

Donna: One time I flipped over the frickin' handle bars in my dirt bike and you know what I frickin' got on my front bum? A grass stain.

Dawn: That's why I frickin' love both of you. My frickin' best friend Donna and my frickin' mom's best friend Beth.

[Beth smashes another ashtray on the floor]

Donna: You know what? You know what? We are having a major friggin’ moment right now. And I wish we were all on a frickin' dirt bike.

Dawn: All right, Donna. I know why you're here. Ya got a grievance you want to air the freak out of.

Donna: Truth. My boyfriend bought a frickin' gorgeous above ground pool. We frickin' loved the frig’ out of it. It was frickin' paradise. Then one day we were floating the frig’ around in there and the frickin' walls fell outward. I mean, the fool [correcting herself] the pool became a frickin' flat circle. Then we rode a frickin' weird ass wave all the way down to the interstate and ended up in a frickin' parking lot at a frickin' Friendly's. It was a frickin' heartbreak.

Dawn: That's frickin' biblical. You know about my frickin' above ground pool. I frickin' tried to jump the frickin' pool on my dirt bike. But that wasn't the disaster, the disaster was that my dad's girlfriend was in there with her frickin' mom. My dad's girlfriend was on "Rock of Love". She's my frickin' hero... so frickin' embarrassed.

Beth: A bird died in my stand-up pool filter system. I didn't know it was frickin' dead so I was swimming around in frickin' dead bird broth for almost two frickin' months! You know what?! [smashes another ashtray against the floor]

Dawn: Beth, that's frickin' disgusting. Next week, Donna is gonna help me pick out a frickin’ mini-fridge. On behalf of me, my frickin’ best friend Donna and my mom's frickin’ best friend Beth, you just do you and we're gonna be fine. I frickin' love you.

Beth: I frickin' love you.

[Biker Chick Chat logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Originally submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

Corrected/updated by: Justin Szczap


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