77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt
Lobsters Take New York / Goodnights
Written by: Michael O'Donoghue
... Robert Klein
Lone Soldier ... Bill Murray
Announcer ... Don Pardo
Man #1 ... Tom Davis
Man #2 ... Michael O'Donoghue
[We return from the commercial break to discover, atop
a crane, a dead cameraman slumped in his chair, his
camera pointing uselessly at the floor. The studio is
filled smoke and the unearthly sounds of gigantic but
unseen atomic lobsters -- roaring, screeching,
squealing, buzzing, honking. We pan across the
motionless studio audience -- they are all dead,
sprawled in chairs and on the floor. We pan over to
home base, which is in ruins, dead bodies everywhere.
A terrified Robert Klein, microphone in hand,
describes the destruction to the hand-held camera.]
Robert Klein: Well, it's still going on even worse
than before. All around me, the dead! The dying! Oh,
the humanity! Our army wiped out!
[Behind Klein, a lone soldier walks through the
debris, shouting incomprehensibly into a bullhorn,
saying things like "Evacuate the building!" The
soldier fires off a few rounds from a .45 pistol.
Klein covers his head with his hand as debris rains
down from above.]
Robert Klein: This may well be mankind's final
broadcast. Even as I speak-- Good Lord! [A giant
lobster claw enters the frame. The soldier retreats
from view.] One of the gigantic lobsters has
demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its
horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen
feet away. Ten! [More gunshots. The claw fills the
screen.] I can see the long, quivering antennae! The
slimy legs! [The hand-held camera slowly sinks to the
debris-filled floor and tilts over.] Its snout and
claws, glistening with human bloo--
[Klein's voice is cut off in mid-sentence. The screen
fills with static but we still hear the eerie sounds
of the lobsters until the program's end. After a
pause, we also hear the voice of announcer Don Pardo:]
Announcer: Robert Klein! Robert Klein! Do you read me?
Well, good-bye, America. Until we meet again, this is
Don Pardo saying AAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
[Over the static and lobster roars, we now hear the
disembodied voices of two men:]
Man #1: My God! Pardo's been eaten by the beast. Is
there no stopping these atomic lobsters?
Man #2: Listen, I have a plan. It sounds crazy but it
just might work. I'll need boiling water.
Man #1: Boiling water? How much? A couple gallons?
Man #2: No! Millions of gallons! Enough to fill - fill
Central Park Pond. And I'll need a truckload of
butter. Make - make that drawn butter.
Man #1: [writes it down] One truckload, drawn butter.
Man #2: And baked potatoes the size of boxcars. And
Man #1: Lobster bibs? [The final credits begin to
roll.] You mean ordinary lobster bibs?
Man #2: No! Huge lobster bibs, fifteen by twenty feet
at least. And nutcrackers!
Man #1: Nut--? You mean regular nutcrackers?
Man #2: No! Not at all. Enormous nutcrackers, at least
ten feet long. And lemons the size of golf carts!
Man #1: Check, check. How 'bout some sour cream for
Man #2: Good point! I'll need, say, about a moving van
of sour cream. For dessert, a chocolate mousse as big
as a house.
Man #1: Chocolate mousse? Naw, it's too rich. Much too
Man #2: Well, how 'bout a swimming pool full of
Man #1: Uh, what flavor? I--
Man #2: Any flavor you want. How 'bout, uh, lime with
Man #1: Well, I just had lime, uh, with carrot
scrapings for lunch. I suppose I could have something
else -- it's an emergency -- but, uh...
Man #2: Well, what about raspberry?
Man #1: Well, I'm - I'm allergic to raspberry. How
'bout a - how 'bout a pool full of fruit cup?
Man #2: In - Instead of Jell-O?
Man #1: Yeah, yeah.
Man #2: Well, isn't fruit cup more an appetizer, like
Man #1: No, not necessarily. You can have fruit cup
Man #2: Well, I don't know. Listen, how would you feel
about a rum raisin cake the size of a tennis court?
Man #1: Well, what kind of icing? [Among the credits:
lobster roars by CHEVY CHASE, lobster animation
sequence by WILLIAM DePALO and WILLIAM BILOWIT]
Man #2: Any kind, I suppose. Orange marmalade would be
Man #1: Well, how 'bout coconut icing? I think that--
Man #2: Wait, you know, coconut really doesn't go with
rum raisin. If you wanted coconut icing, I could have
a sponge cake the size of a roller rink...