Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 16




82p: Robert Guillaume / Duran Duran

Buckwheat Dead

Buckwheat.....Eddie Murphy
John David Stutts.....Eddie Murphy
Ted Koppel.....Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on footage from the previous week of Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat being shot.]

Announcer: Buckwheat dead: America mourns.

[CUT to blue logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Joe Piscopo as Ted Koppel.]

Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel. Surely everyone knows by now that Buckwheat is dead. But for those of you who have not seen the videotape of Buckwheat being shot, let’s take a look.

[CUT to the footage from the previous week of Buckwhat in front of his limo.]

Buckwheat: I nub nou! I nub nou! [grins and waves]

Voice: Hey. Mr. Wheat?

Buckwheat: Yes?

[Shots ring out, Buckwheat looks bewildered, and he slumps against the limo.]

[CUT to a long shot of a huge army in a military parade.]

Ted Koppel: Buckwheat was buried today, and the entire world mourns.

[CUT to a cannon being fired, and then CUT to footage of Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford and Henry Kissinger stepping off a plane and standing formally.]

Ted Koppel: World leaders gathered to offer a final tribute.

[CUT to soldiers goosestepping as the “Funeral March” plays in the background. CUT to shots of dignitaries at a funeral, and then to a closeup of Nancy Reagan and another of Princess Diana, who is dressed in a mourning veil. The music switches from the “Funeral March” to a few notes from the “Our Gang” theme. CUT to a royal guard with tears streaming down his face, then to a crowd of people holding a huge candlelight vigil.]

Ted Koppel: We now join millions of mourners around the world in observing a moment of silence.

[There is a bare second of silence, and then the news theme breaks back in, with the words “BUCKWHEAT: THE MOMENT OF SILENCE.”]

Announcer: This moment of silence is brought to you by Mutual Life.

[SUPERIMPOSE blue logo of the words “Mutual Life” over people lighting candles.]

Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.

[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Ted Koppel in the studio.]

Ted Koppel: Police have now identified Buckwheat’s assaliant.

[A photo of Eddie Murphy wearing a gray sweater and sitting blankly on a couch is projected on the screen.]

Ted Koppel: He is this man, 27-year-old John David Stutts, described by those who now him as “a loner.” We understand that Stutts is now being taken to criminal court for arraignment. Let’s go there live.

[CUT to Eddie Murphy as Stutts, who is being led in handcuffs down a hallway. He is escorted by cops and attorneys while reporters aim microhpones at him.]

John David Stutts: [in a dreamy voice] Hello, it’s good to see you all. [to camera] Hi, I killed Buckwheat. And I have a question for the American public. When you dream, do you dream in color, or black and white? ‘Cause I dream in black and white. [giggles] And last evening, I had a dream about lime Jello. I didn’t know what flavor it was because it was gray. Then I tasted it, and then I realized it was lime. Definitely lime.

Reporter: Mr. Stutts, did you kill Buckwheat?

John David Stutts: Sure.

Reporter: Did you realize what would happen to you?

John David Stutts: I don’t care, sir.

Reporter: Why’d you kill him, Mr. Stutts?

John David Stutts: Well, I had to kill him. My dog told me he was the Antichrist.

[Eddie passes a bare inch in front of the TV camera. PAN down him walking away down the hall as reporters squint and point their microphones toward him.]

John David Stutts: His name’s Petey, he’s a Dalmatian.

Reporter: Dalmatian? What kind of Dalmatian?

John David Stutts: I named him after the dog on the “Our Gang” follies. His name was Petey.

[CUT back to Joe Piscopo as Koppel]

Ted Koppel: In just a moment, John David Stutts will face arraignment on charges of murder. Why did Stutts do it? We’ve asked noted criminal psychiatrist Dr. Irwin Fletcher for his expert opinion.

[An older gentleman appears on the large “ABC NIGHTLINE” screen.]

Ted Koppel: Welcome, doctor. What makes a man like John David Stutts commit such a crime?

Fletcher: Publicity. In the deranged mind of the killer, he truly believes that, if he kills someone famous, he’ll become famous himself. [scoldingly] And, unfortunately, certain irresponsible members of the media are only too eager to turn these assassins into instant celebrities.

Ted Koppel: [nonplussed] Thank you, doctor. [turns to camera] Let’s take a look at the man who killed Buckwheat: John David Stutts.

[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]

Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

[FADE to black, then FADE IN on a photo of a white one-story house.]

Ted Koppel: [off camera] John David Stutts spent his childhood here in this modest home in Lima, Ohio.

[CUT to photo of Stutts sitting on his couch again. Photos of the “Our Gang” cast and a photo of Buckwheat from “SNL” are seen on the wall.]

Ted Koppel: Everyone who knew him called him a loner: a quiet young man.

[CUT to photo of a simple church.]

Ted Koppel: Stutts attended Sunday School at the Mercy Seat Baptist Church.

[A black minister sits at a desk with a Roman collar.]

Minister: He was a loner, and a quiet young man. He attended church, and Sunday School. I remember he was always very polite.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Minister: Oh, yes. Definitely. That’s all he talked about.

[CUT to the exterior of a brick school building.]

Ted Koppel: John David Stutts graduated from Unionville High School.

[CUT to a yearbook photo showing Stutts sitting alone at a desk. The caption above the photo reads, “THE LONER.”]

Ted Koppel: His classmates called him “the loner.”

[CUT to a photo of Eddie Murphy’s face pasted over some white guy’s face in a group shot from a yearbook.]

Ted Koppel: Stutts was a member of the Key Club...

[CUT to a similar photo of a smaller group.]

Ted Koppel: The Audio-Visual Squad...

[CUT to Stutts holding a rifle in front of a blackboard.]

Ted Koppel: And president of the Future Assassins of America.

[CUT to a formal yearbook photo of Stutts gazing dully into space. The caption below reads: “John David Stutts, Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.”]

Ted Koppel: It’s no wonder that his classmates chose him, “Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.”

[CUT to a middle-aged, mustached man in a blue windbreaker standing in front of gas pumps.]

Gas Station Attendant: [in New England accent] Sure, I remember Stutts. He was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, he checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Man: Oh, yes, definitely. That’s all he talked about. I remember one day I says, uh, “Stutts, why are you working so hard?” He says, “’Cause I’m saving up to buy a gun, so I can kill Buckwheat.” [shrugs]

[CUT to a tailor hemming the cuffs on a pair of slacks.]

Tailor: John was a quiet boy, a kind of a loner. But real polite. He always stood still when I hemmed his cuffs. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Tailor: Oh, yes, definitely. That’s all he ever talked about. Why, just the other day, he comes in and he says, “Saul, make me a new suit. I’m going to kill Buckwheat, and I want to look good on television.”

[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]

Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

Ted Koppel: [in studio] We have just learned that John David Stutts has been arraigned and is being returned to his jail cell. Let’s go there right now, live.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before. A cop ahead of him motions for reporters not to ask any questions.]

John David Stutts: Oh, the reporters are back! Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello, it’s good to see you all. Hello.

[Stutts is led around a corner]

Voice: Stutts!

[A second later, a man in a trenchcoat and a fedora reaches out with a pistol, a la Jack Ruby, and shoots Stutts in the stomach. Reporters scream as Stutts and another reporter go down.]

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: [in studio] There you have it! John David Stutts, accused assassin of Buckwheat, has been shot right here before your eyes!

[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]

Announcer: The shooting of John David Stutts.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

Ted Koppel: For those of you who missed it, John David Stutts, accused killer of Buckwheat, has been shot live on this program! Now, let’s take another look.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before.]

John David Stutts: Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello. It’s good to see you all. Hello.

Ted Koppel: He’s coming through... the shots come right about here.

[Stutts is shot.]

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: [in studio] I’ve just been told that John David Stutts is dead!

[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]

Announcer: The death of John David Stutts has been brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life:

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.

[SHOW words, “Just like John David Stutts.”]

Announcer: Just like John David Stutts.

Ted Koppel: [in studio] John David Stutts lies dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway and getting shot.]

Ted Koppel: And there are the shots.

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: And so two famous men lie dead: Buckwheat and John David Stutts. We’ll be here tomorrow night and every night for as long as this senseless killing continues. This is Ted Koppel. Good night.

[FADE to black.]


Submitted by: Joe Cornfield


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