Sammies

Sammy #1.....Dana Carvey
Sammy #2.....Kevin Nealon
Edward.....Phil Hartman
Karen.....Nora Dunn



[ open on interior, Sammy #2's basement, as the two Sammies watch the World Series on TV ]

Sammy #1: Aw.. great, great, great game tonight, Sammy!

Sammy #2: Aw, it's been a great Series, Sammy! Hey, we gonna walk away with some points on this one?

Sammy #1: Aw, now that you mention it, we won a coupla sawbucks!

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Awww, beautiful!! Haha!

Sammy #2: You know, I tell ya, I love it when Clemens is on the hill throwing..

Sammy #1: Hey, there ain't nothin' like it! Hey, hey, Sammy? Can I get a little of that Dim Sum Squat from you?

Sammy #2: What are you saying, you want some Dim Sum Squat?

Sammy #1: What'd I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful, beautiful!

Sammy #1: Aww... [ Sammy #2 throws his empty beer an into the trash ] Hey, you want me to get you another cold one, you want that I should get you another cold one?

Sammy #2: Hey, I gotta take a breather, Sammy.. you know, I been guzzling since the third inning. Besides.. I gotta work off some of these LB's. Aw... aw.. who am I kiddin'? I'll have another cold one!

Sammy #1: Aw, atta guy! Atta guy! [ gets the beer ]

Sammy #2: But I'll tell ya, Sammy, I'm gonna start workin' this off! I'm gonna lose it all, it's comin' off!

Sammy #1: What, this?

Sammy #2: What'd I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful!

Sammy #2: Hey! I'm gonna do runnin' every day, I'm gonna swim, I'm gonna do 100 sit-ups a day, I'm gonna run.. aww, who am I kiddin'? That's another thing I'm never gonna do, right!

Sammy #1: [ laughs ] Here ya go! [ hands Sammy #2 his beer ]

Sammy #2: I'll tell ya, one more of these, Sammy, and I'm gonna have to cop a squirt!

Sammy #1: I know how that feels! You know what I'm gonna do next summer, Sammy?

Sammy #2: What are ya gonna do?

Sammy #1: I'm gonna get a place of my own!

Sammy #2: Hey, you could sleep on the couch.

Sammy #1: No, no, no! I'm movin' out to the woods, I'm gonna build myself a nice cabin.

Sammy #2: Square beds?

Sammy #1: What'd I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful!

Sammy #1: A-frame! Nice! Sleeps a couple people, indoor plumbing, with a nice deck! Aww.. who am I kiddin'? There's another thing I'm never gonna do, right!

Sammy #2: [ holds up a newspaper ] Hey, look at this, Sammy! Riverside Cafe is having Free Beer Night next Tuesday, the 28th!

Sammy #1: Aw...

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Sammy #2's sister Karen walks downstairs with her boyfriend Edward ]

Karen: I don't know why this is so important to you..

Edward: It'll just take a minute, honey.

Karen: ] to Sammy #2 ] Edward insisted that he meet my brother. Edward, this is my brother Sammy.

Sammy #2: Hey, what do you say, Eddie?

Sammy #1: Hey, Eddie!

Edward: Hello! [ shakes Sammy #2's hand ]

Karen: Okay, you met my brother.. you can go now..

Sammy #2: Wait a minute.. this is my good buddy Sammy right here!

Edward: Oh? Well, it's a pleasure meeting you, gentlemen.. Sorry! Did you say your name is Sammy, too?

Karen: Yeah, they're both Sammies..

Sammy #1: That's right!

Sammy #2: What are the odds!

Sammy #1: Hey, have a seat, Eddie! What do you think about the Series? A crowd pleaser, eh?

Sammy #2: Let me grab a cold one for ya, Eddie! [ runs to the fridge ]

Karen: Sammy, it's really getting late..

Edward: That's alright, honey. We have a minute. [ sits ]

Sammy #2: Hey, who ever thought the Mets would turn it around, huh?

Karen: Sammy, Edward doesn't spend his whole life in front of the TV any more, like some people I know.

Sammy #2: Aw, that's too bad.

Edward: Well.. it's not that. It's just that I'm.. really very busy right now.

Karen: Yes. Edward has plans for his future.

Sammy #1: Oh, yeah? What have you got up your sleeve, Eddie?

Edward: Well.. I'm planning on opening a chain of clothing stores this winter.

Sammy #2: Aww, who are you kiddin'! That's another thing you're never gonna do, right? [ laughs ]

Edward: No, no.. I've already, uh..

Karen: Edward, we really have to be going..

Sammy #2: Hey, Eddie, get a load of the stats on Gary Carter! Not a bad season, considering a .189 batting average in the Series! Know what I mean?

Sammy #1: Here, have a cold one, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. no, no, no.. Thank you. I've gotta be clear-headed for tomorrow.

Sammy #2: Oh, yeah? What's your game for tomorrow?

Edward: I beg your pardon?

Karen: He means, what are you doing tomorrow?

Edward: Oh! Well.. I was planning on flying to the West Coast to meet with some potential investors..

Sammy #1: Awww, who are you kiddin', Eddie! That's another thing you're never gonna do, right! Hahaha!

Karen: [ pulls Edwarr ] It's getting late.. you gotta get some sleep..

Edward: No, no! I'm going! I've already made the plane reservations, I'm gonna go!

Karen: Edward, come on, let's go, honey..

Edward: I've already, you know, reserved a room at the Ramada Inn!

Karen: Honey, never mind them..

[ they exit upstairs ]

Sammy #1: Aw, too bad Eddie couldn't stick around!

Sammy #2: Yeah, he's good people! Look, I'm gonna have some more of that Dim Sum Squat over there..

Sammy #1: You square biz?

Sammy #2: What'd I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful! Haha! Hey, Sammy! What is today, anyway?

Sammy #2: Today's the 25th.

Sammy #1: [ looks in paper ] Aww, I don't believe it! 15 minutes, tape-delay game, Auburn at Mississippi State!

Sammy #2: Ohhh..

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Edwards returns downstairs ]

Edward: Hi, guys!

Sammy #2: Hey! Whattaya say, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. Karen went to sleep, I thought I might stick around and have a cold one with you guys!

Sammy #2: Well, have a seat, have a seat!

Sammy #1: Come on!

Edward: How about that game tonight - was that a killer!

Sammy #1: Yeah!

Sammy #2: Yeah! Have a cold one!

Edward: Oh, thanks a lot! You know, I.. I really like your sister. I think I might marry her someday. [ pause ] Awww, who am I kiddin'!

Edward & The Sammies: That's ANOTHER thing you're never gonna do!! [ they all lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts