Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
.....Colin Quinn



Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Hi, I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jury which had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars in punitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared "This is far from over". Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said "I'm going to kill more people. What did you think I meant?"

Just hours after President Clinton again pledged to clean up the democratic party's fundraising operation, the Whitehouse announced he will attend a million dollar fundraiser next week. However spokesman Mike McCurry stressed that at this event "Donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries will not be accepted, unless they are left in a brown paper bag under the sink in the men's room".

More bad news for the President, this week convicted Whitewater swindler James McDougal claims that his ex-wife Susan McDougal had an affair with Clinton while he was governor of Arkansas. The President denied the charges adding, "If you really knew me you would know that I was always faithful to Gennifer Flowers."


Norm MacDonald: This week saw new accusations of infideltity leveling against President Clinton. Here to answer those charges, on behalf of the President, is Colin Quinn.
Colin Quinn: Thank you. [ points to photo of Susan McDougal ] First of all, this is Susan McDougal. I believe Clinton when he says he didn't sleep with her. She isn't his type. He doesn't go for that corporate look. He likes the girls with the teased-out perms and the flourescent lipstick that work at Spencer Gifts. His hero JFK was doing Marilyn Monroe, but Clinton falls for the first pair of frayed acid wash that stumbles out of Fudrucker's.
But why are we all so upset about Clinton's mistresses in the first place? Why mae a big deal out of it? In Europe, they accept the fact that their leaders have mistresses. We should give Clinton that same slack. You know, he could bring them to state dinners: "Prime Minister Netenyahu, Prime Minister Major, this is Tammy." Who are we to judge? Our bodies are too messed up sexually to begin with! Did you see Faye Resnick in Playboy this month? What is that?! That's like, "Hey, see this girl? Her friend got murdered. I want to see her naked!" You know? We judge Clinton, but all the presidents had mistresses. Eisenhower, FDR.. but those were professional mistresses. They would never rat you out to the media. If the media came sniffing around, they'd put on their favorite housecoat and eat a handful of barbituates. That's the way it was done. That was the fifties. People didn't want to know the President's dirty laundry, they were just interested in his policies. In Europe, it's still that way - they sit around cafes, arguing politics. Here, people watch the State of the Union Address, and they say, "Hey, Clinton looks fat."
And Clinton is just like us. He should be worrying about his policies being compromised. He's too bust running over to some suburban Virginia apartment complex to be with a barmaid from Pizzeria Uno. He's supposed to be leading us, not looking at glass unicorn collections and listening to Mary Chapin-Carpenter. You see, it's our own fault. We want leaders who are charming and charismatic and tell us what we want to hear. Well, guess what? Those qualities that get elected are the same ones that get you laid. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn! Alright, Colin, good job. That was great!

The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday, making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-mart. Fellow Irish performer Sinead O'Conner was also on hand, but she works there.

Well, it's Oscar time once again and 'Breaking the Waves' star Emily Watson was nominated for Best Actress. Asked to comment, Watson said, "Who the hell am I? I've never heard of myself.."

Senator Strom Thurman, at 94, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress, has been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu. Doctors who examined the senator thoroughly, got kind of nautious.

Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire, sentenced to death for killing a rooster won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially off the hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the rooster in the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..

Stephen J. Hawkings, the renowned astrophysicist, regarded as Albert Einstein's intellectual successor, conceded defeat this week in a wager he made six years ago with two professors of the California Institute of Technology. Hawkings incorrectly bet against the existence of naked singularities: a mathematical point in a black hole where space and time are infinitely distorted, where matter is infinitely dense and where the rules of relavistic physics break down. With all due respect to Mr. Hawkings: what the hell were you thinking? I would have taken that bet, made a quick 20 bucks!

In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to develop male sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno

Connecticuit legislators are about to pass a law that would make it illegal to prohibit breastfeeding in public. Then hopefully these legislators will change this fascist law, that the person being breast-fed in public has to be a baby.

Well here is a sign of the times: this summer for the first time ever you will need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials say those hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels.
Gary Larson is writing for the show now.

And, finally, first place in Weekend Update's "Most Romantic Valentine" contest goes to David Delaferra of Carny, New Jersey. Yesterday, Mr. Delaferra, who works as a fireman here in the city, climbed the ladder of the firetruck to the 3rd floor office window of his girlfriend Alexandra. There with a dozen roses and a wedding ring, he proposed to her in front of all of her co-workers. Congratulations, David! And coming in last place for the 3rd year in a row: O.J. Simpson.


Norm MacDonlad: And that's the way it is, folks. Good night, enjoy your Sunday!


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