Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 7
98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys
TV Funhouse
[opening sequence: Ace and Gary flying in the sky, explosion, title card, Ace and Gary face each other and join hands, Gary punches an alien, Ace and Gary drive their Duocar through a canyon, shot of Ace and Gary with Gary pointing ahead, Ace and Gary fly with Ace shooting a beam from his eyes and Gary mounting Ace, character identification card, shots from the battle with the Ice Monster (from 11/15/97 TV Funhouse), cloud of smoke, dissolve to Ace and Gary giving the thumbs up]
Jingle: [starts at title card]“The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may!
They are fighting all crime to save the day!
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way!
They’re ambiguously gay!
They’re ambiguously gay!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”
[zoom out to see Ace and Gary grabbing each other’s belts under the title]
Voiceover: The Ambiguously Gay [cut to a shot of letters spilling out of two mailbags with “TONIGHT’S EPISODE:” at the top, fade in “ACE AND GARY’S FAN CLUB” underneath “TONIGHT’S EPISODE:”] Duo! Tonight: a visit to Ace and Gary’s fan club!
[cut to Ace and Gary sitting in their gym, reading letters from their fans]
Ace: Jared Taylor from Reading, Pennsylvania writes, “Dear Ace and Gary, it looked like you use a different spin move in episode 3 than in episode 6. Also, are you gay?”
Gary: You nailed us, Jared! In episode 6, we tightened our spin to accelerate faster!
Ace: Our next letter is from Arch Culkins, or number 248A4 from Fayetteville State Penitentiary. “Dear Ace and Gary, watching you fly gets me so excited. [the letter is made up of individual letters cut out of magazines] When I get out of jail, I’m going to come and find you.”
Gary: Thanks for the letter, Arch! And good luck!
Ace: We feel that as long as someone has done his time, he is entitled to a second chance. We know it’s never easy to be “in the hole.”
Gary: Our next letter comes from Lowell Bethune, prisoner 408AB386 from Camden State Prison. Goooo Camden State!
Ace: “Dear Ace and Gary, I love looking at you. Please send photographs of yourselves, some with your costumes off.”
Ace and Gary: [pompously, looking at each other] Ha ha ha ha!
Ace: Sorry, Lester. We can’t reveal our secret identity.
Gary: Good try, though!
Ace: Carl Hendricks from Austin, Texas writes and says, “I like to picture Ace as an Indian chief with buttless chaps. I like to picture Gary with his body shaved and a tennis ball shoved in his mouth.”
Gary: Golly!
Ace: The imagination is a wonderful thing, Carl. But we like the costumes we have! I can’t read most of this next letter except a few words: “stainless steel pole,” “rabbit sack,” and “mayonnaise.”
Gary: Keep those letters comin’!
[cut to title card with Ace and Gary with “FAN CLUB” on the bottom left corner, fade in a pair of X-Ray Specs over image of Ace of Gary]
Announcer: Join the Ambiguously Gay Duo Fan Club and get special gifts!
[cut to a suburban neighborhood, where Ace and Gary are talking to three kids in a yard; Ace and Gary are each holding a pair of X-Ray Specs]
Ace: Kids, you’re not really a superhero [puts his specs on] until you’ve got X-Ray Specs!
Gary: With X-Ray Specs, you’ve got the tool to see through [kid #3 takes Gary’s specs] anything!
Kid #3: Hey, cool!
[cut to a beach with a treasure chest, “X-rays” show various treasures inside the chest]
Ace: You can find stolen treasure!
[cut to a wrapped gift underneath a Christmas tree, “X-rays” show a trimmer inside]
Gary: Or Christmas presents! Hey Ace! You’re getting a trimmer!
[cut back to neighborhood]
Ace: [pats Gary’s butt] Good work, Gary! [kids look at each other] And with X-Ray Specs, you can track down criminals! [he and Gary spot a well-endowed delivery man walking down the sidewalk, carrying a package] That man’s got a suspicious bulge. Could be a concealed weapon. Better check it out, Gary.
Gary: [takes Ace’s specs, squats down and looks at the delivery man’s “bulge” with the specs] Hmmm! Looks all right to me! Check yourself! [takes specs off and gives them to Ace]
Ace: [leaning over Gary while looking at the delivery man’s “bulge” through the specs] Alll right. Looks good from here, Gary.
Delivery Man: [annoyed] Hey! What’s your problem?
Ace: Oh, we don’t have a problem. [takes specs off] This time! [offers the specs to the kids]
Gary: Want to try, kids?
[the kids sound reluctant]
Kid #1: Maybe later.
Kid #3: Yeah.
[cut to Ace and Gary in their Duocar, still in the neighborhood]
Ace: Remember, be alert! You can never be sure what someone’s packing!
[Duocar takes off into the sky]
Announcer: Join Ace and Gary’s fan club [cut to fan club/specs title card, which now has “$4.99” underneath the specs] and get your X-Ray Specs! X-Ray Specs! [cut to shot of Ace and Gary in their home gym, Ace has a can pressed against his crotch with a gag snake coming out ot it; “Snake-in-a-Can” is on top] From the makers of Snake-in-a-Can!
[fade to black, cut to title card with Ace and Gary]
Jingle:
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson
