Category:

Don & Nancy

President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Don Regan…..Kevin Nealon
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ SUPER: “The White House” ]

[ SUPER: “Thuesday” ]

[ SUPER: “February 26, 1987” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan speaking with Don Regan ]

Don Regan: Mr. President, the Tower Commission has completed its report.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, Don, you know, I’m glad this thing is finally coming out. And your future here as Chief-of-Staff depends on how you fare in the report.

Don Regan: Well, Mr. President, I brought your copy. [ hands over a bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh, boy.. that’s a big one. How big is it?

Don Regan: It’s about 300 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: I did take the trouble of preparing a summary of the report. [ hands over a less bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Good. [ leafs through the booklet with wonder ]

Don Regan: Uh.. it’s about 27 pages long, sir.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Perhaps you’d like to just scan an outline of the summary. [ hands over a few sheets of paper ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Sure. How long is that?

Don Regan: 6 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Now, I havce an abstract of the outline. That might be the most sufficient.

President Ronald Reagan: Uh-huh.

Don Regan: Or, if you’d like, I could just as easily give you an oral report of the abstract.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that would probably make the most sense!

Don Regan: Well, first of all, the report is all and all, pretty good.

President Ronald Reagan: [ excited ] Really? Well, how did I come out?

Don Regan: Very well.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, does it say I approved shipments of arms to Iran?

Don Regan: Uh, yes it does.

President Ronald Reagan: [ curious ] Did I?

Don Regan: Uh.. yes, you did.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, then, it’s a ogod report, and God bless the men and women who put it together.

Don Regan: Yes.

President Ronald Reagan: So, how did you come off, Don? I guess that’s the $64,000 question.

Don Regan: Well, actually, they said my behavior was beyond reproach.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, there, buddy! Congratulations! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Regan: Hmm..

[ Nancy Reagan enters. She and Don exchange nasty looks. ]

Nancy Reagan: I didn’t realize that you were still here.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, as a matter of fact, Mommy, Don is gonna be staying on indefinately.

Nancy Reagan: Staying on?!

Don Regan: That is the President’s wish.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m going to call it a day now, but before I go, I just want to say something. I can tell you two don’t get along. Now, I may not know much about foreign policy, or the budget, or trade relations.. or national defense. Or education. Or foreign policy. Or health, or social security, or.. the history of our country, really. Or how the different branches of our government work. But I do know one thing: people. And I’ll tell you something. The reason you two can’t get along is that you’re so much alike. now, I’m gonna head upstairs, and I want you to know, well.. that I’d like you to hash this out. And I think you’ll see that I’m right. Will you do that for me? Don?

Don Regan: [ sighs ] I’ll try, Mr. President.

President Ronald Reagan: Nancy?

Nancy Reagan: [ disgusted ] For you, dear.

President Ronald Reagan: See you tomorrow. [ exits Oval Office ]

[ Nancy and Don exchange now-knowing glances ]

Nancy Reagan: Do you think he knows about us?

Don Regan: Not a chance!

Nancy Reagan: What about the Tower Commission?

Don Regan: We’re home free.

Nancy Reagan: [ grabs Don’s tie ] You know, I’m sorry about what I said about you to the press.

Don Regan: Ah, I’m not worried about that, Nancy. But, uh, isn’t there something else you want to say?

Nancy Reagan: [ coolly innocent ] What do you mean?

Don Regan: You know damn well what I mean! Howard Baker!

Nancy Reagan: [ laughs ] Howard Baker? Come on, we had lunch a couple of times, that’s all.

Don Regan: That’s not what I hear!

Nancy Reagan: Come on, Don, what are you saying?

Don Regan: I’m saying that I don’t trust you! I love you, but I don’t trust you!

Nancy Reagan: Don, I know you don’t mean that. It’s this crazy town, that’s what it is. I mean, in a little while it’ll be over, and then I promise you we’ll get away. I promise you that. [ tugs at Don’s jacket ]

Don Regan: I guess I’ve just been under a little strain lately. It’s just that you can’t trust anybody..

Nancy Reagan: Trust me! Come on, baby!

[ they begin to make out passionately, climbing atop the President’s desk and groping at one another ]

[ President Ronald Reagan re-enters the room, smiling at the sight ]

President Ronald Reagan: [ to the camera ] See? They’re getting along just fine! I’m telling you – I know people! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Discover

Peter Graves…..Phil Hartman
Dr. Charles Claproth…..Jon Lovitz

[ scene: a laboratory, several floors up in a New York high-rise ]

Peter Graves: Hello! I’m Peter Graves. Welcome to the world of”Discover”. This is Dr. Charles Claproth, Professor of Physics here at New York University.

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ listlessly ] Hello.

Peter Graves: Doctor, what are we looking at? [ points to a suspended model in front of them ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, this is a model of a water molecule.

Peter Graves: And what is a molecule?

Dr. Charles Claproth: A molecule is the smallest portion of asubstance which still retains the characteristics of that substance.

Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so, this model is not actual size, then?

Dr. Charles Claproth: No Peter, it is not. Molecules are very small.

Peter Graves: About how small are they, Doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Well, there are as many molecules in a teaspoon of water, as there are teaspoons of water in the Atlantic Ocean.
>Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so molecules are very, very small, then.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: But you said they were just, very small.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: So, you were wrong.

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ grimacing ] Yes. Let’s take a look at some elements, shall we?

Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ they move to the next pedestal, displaying a metal ] Doctor, what are elements?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, elements are the substances which cannot be separated into two or more substances.

Peter Graves: Like, say, a pencil?

Dr. Charles Claproth: No, like this, pure gold.

Peter Graves: Oh. [ picks up the gold ] So this is gold?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: It’s heavy.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes. It’s also one of the most malleablesubstances. This cubic inch of gold can be drawn into a continuous wire over forty miles long, or, pounded into a film covering 1,400 square feet.

Peter Graves: So gold is long and thin like, say, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Well.. in a way.

Peter Graves: Amazing. [ puts the gold in his pocket and starts to move on ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: Hey!

Peter Graves: [ turns around ] Yes?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Please put that back. It’s property of theuniversity.

Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ returns the gold to the pedestal, then they move on to the next pedestal holding a larger block of metal ] What is this, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: This is osmium. It is one of the heaviest and densest elements on Earth. This cubic foot weighs 1,400 pounds.

Peter Graves: May I try to lift it?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Oh, don’t bother, no man could.

[ Peter grabs the block on both sides and applies force, but it doesn’t move ]

Peter Graves: Well, it’s heavy all right. [ lets go of the block, but the pedestal collapses in two, and the osmium falls through the floor, and continues to fall through subsequent floors. Sounds of water gushing from toilets and fearful screams are heard from below as Dr. Claproth watches in fear ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ sighing ] It’s probably in the basement.

Peter Graves: The pedestal was too weak to hold the osmium, wasn’t it, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: Did you design these pedestals, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ angry ] Yes!

Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ walks to the next pedestal,which holds a glowing metal encased by a bell jar ] And what is thiselement, Doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: This is californium. This is the world’s most expensive element. It is sold by the Atomic Energy Commission for $1,000 per microgram. That’s $530 billion per pound.

Peter Graves: Let’s take a look. [ removes the jar, sounding an alarm ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: No, no! You fool! Californium is ahighly radioactive isotope! It’s lethal! It’s..

Peter Graves: [ replaces the jar – the alarm stops ] Aaalll right. [ moves to the next pedestal ] And what’s this, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ hopelessly ] It’s sodium! It’s just sodium! Oh! What difference does it make? We’re dead men! [ puts his head on Peter’s shoulder and starts to sob ]

Peter Graves: [ to camera, still calm ] Alll right. Then I guess I won’t be here next week for another episode of.. “Discover”.

[fade out.]

Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Hard News Cafe

Female Reporter…..Valerie Bertinelli
Male Reporter…..Phil Hartman
Waitress…..Nora Dunn
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
Cashier…..Victoria Jackson
Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey
Fan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Edwin Newman

[ open on exterior, Hard News Cafe ]

[ dissolve to interior, couple sitting at a table in the middle of the cafe ]

Female Reporter: [ staring at memorabilia on the wall ] Whose bow tie is that?

Male Reporter: Oh, that’s Irving R. Levine’s.

Female Reporter: Wow..

Male Reporter: [ pointing ] And that’s Eric Severeid’s first microphone.

Female Reporter: Wow! What a great concept this is! How many Hard News Cafes are there?

Male Reporter: [ thinking ] Well, there’s this one in Washington.. one in New York. Uh.. a new one going up in Cambridge. And they have plans to open one up in every major American city except Los Angeles.

Female Reporter: Oh, yeah. It seems like there’s a lot of tourists, though. I don’t see any newsman, do you?

Male Reporter: [ looking ] No, I don’t see any.. [ suddenly spots one behind him ] Oh. There’s Sam Donaldson.

Female Reporter: [ stunned ]

[ Waitress enters the scene, as diners’ hand suddenly shoot into the air like newsthirsty reporters ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

Waitress: [ points across the room ] Sam! Sam! [ walks over to him ]

Sam Donaldson: Can I get the Pierre Salinger club without the tongue?

Waitress: That would simply be the.. Charles Kuralt.

Sam Donaldson: Hmm.. I see. Alright, I’ll tell you what – maybe I’ll eat light. Give me the Lesley Stahl fruit cup.

Waitress: Alright. I’ll get that right away.

[ Waitress walks away, as the diners go nuts ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

[ back to the first table ]

Female Reporter: Oh! My friend at the Dish came through!

Male Reporter: Great!

Female Reporter: [ pulls videotape out of her purse ] “Trade Representative Brought Testifying to Governor’s Conference on the Trade Deficit”.

Male Reporter: Excellent!

Female Reporter: “After the first ten minutes, it cooked.”

Male Reporter: Great!

Female Reporter: Oh, oh.. [ pulls out another videotape ] “Round Table Discussion on Reinterpretating the ABM Treatment: Richard Pearl, Robert MacNamera, San Nunn.”

Male Reporter: No!

Female Reporter: Yes!

Male Reporter: Great!

[ a scuffle can be heard off-screen ]

Off-screen Voice: Hey, let go of me, I’ve got a right to be here as much as anybody else! Ow!

Female Reporter: What’s going on? What is it?

Male Reporter: Oh, it’s Geraldo Rivera. He tried to sneak in again, and they bounced him.

Female Reporter: Oh, thank God.

[ Ted Koppel steps up to the Cashier ]

Cashier: Sir, can I help you?

Ted Kooppel: Hello, I’m Ted Koppel, and I have a reservation.

Cashier: [ looks at reservation log ] I’m sorry, Mr. Koppel. I don’t have your name written down here, but uh.. I can seat you right away if you don’t mind sitting with, uh.. Sam Donaldson.

Ted Kooppel: [ looks over ] I’ll wait.

Sam Donaldson: [ notices Ted Koppel is in the cafe ] Hey, Ted! Ted! Come on over! Ted! Ted! Over here! [ Ted gives in and sits with Sam ] Hey, you’re looking good, hair looks nice! Can I get you a waitress? Let me get you a waitress! [ raises his hand ] Waitress!

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

Waitress: [ points across the room ] Sam! [ walks over ]

Sam Donaldson: Waitress, my friend would like to order.

Ted Kooppel: I’m Ted Koppel, and thi-i-is.. is my lunch. Turning our attention to the menu, Sam, you’ve eaten here before, you’ve attended many such lunches. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind sharing with us, your insights.

Sam Donaldson: Well, now, Ted, I could sit here and recommend specials until the cows come home. But, ultimately, you’re the one who’s gonna have to eat what’s on the plate.

Waitress: I’ll come back..

[ Waitress walks away, as the diners go nuts ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

[ Fan approaches Sam and Ted’s table ]

Fan: Hey, hey! Ted Koppel, Sam Donaldson! Sorry for interrupting your lunch, man! You two are my favorite newsmen, you know? I can’t believe you’re sitting here!

Ted Kooppel: Thank you very much, young man. Keep watching.

Sam Donaldson: Thank you. Yes.

Fan: So, who do you like for the Democrats in ’88? Do you like Joe Biden?

Ted Kooppel: Yes, he’s a fine candidate, yes.

Sam Donaldson: Yes, nice meeting you.

Fan: Wh-what’s that supposed to mean, “nice meeting you”? What, because I’m not in the news fraternity, or something, I’m not worth talking to?!

Sam Donaldson: Yeah.. yeah.. Look, if you’ll just excuse us, please.

Fan: [ peeved ] Great, that’s just terrific..

Sam Donaldson: You know, everyone, you know, including electronic journalists, have the right to –

Ted Kooppel: Sam, excuse me for a moment, if you will. But I don’t think any purpose will be served by engaging this individual any further.

Fan: [ angry ] Well, you guys suck, you know that! You know what?! Without the audience, you guys would be nothing! You would be talking to yourselves! [ Edwin Newman walks up and grabs his shoulder ] What?

Edwin Newman: Pardon me, sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Fan: Oh, yeah, well.. Edwin Newman – oh, I’m shaking! I’m not going nowhere, man!

Edwin Newman: Uh, in a way, you’re absolutely right. But, by using the double negative “not going nowhere”, you implied that you are going somewhere. As, indeed, you are. ie – out!

Fan: What? I don’t think so..

Edwin Newman: Out! [ grabs the Fan ]

Fan: Hey! Hey! [ as he’s dragged away ] Who do you think I am – Geraldo Rivera!

[ cut back to the first table ]

Female Reporter: This place really lives us to its reputation!

Male Reporter: Yeah, let’s buy a couple of t-shirts on the way out!

Female Reporter: Yeah! Yeah!

[ Waitress passes through ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

On Broadway

Brenda Krouse…..Jan Hooks
Ross Treadway…..Phil Hartman
Nina Treadway…..Nora Dunn

[ music open: “Getting To Know You” ]

[ dissolve to the “On Broadway” set ]

Brenda Krouse: Hello. I’m Brenda Krouse, “On Broadway”. Now, that music, and these posters, are, of course, from the Rogers & Hammerstein classic “The King & I”. Now, tonight we’ll be getting to know the man who’s now starring in the Westbury Music Fair production – Ross Treadway. Ross, welcome.

Ross Treadway: Thank you.

Brenda Krouse: Now, you took over the lead role in the show, the King of Siam, from the legendary Yul Brynner, who virtually made a career out of the role. I mean, he won countless awards, broke all kinds of box office records. I think it must be tremendously frustrating to step into the shadow of a performer like that, am I right? It must be a no-win situation.

Ross Treadway: So, what are you saying, that the show should be abandoned, never perform it again?

Brenda Krouse: Oh, no, not at all..

Ross Treadway: [ angry ] Then, what’s your point?

Brenda Krouse: Well, I-I-I.. just mean that, you know, you’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill. I mean, Yul Brynner was so popular in that role.

Ross Treadway: [ guffaws ] Oh, really? He was? What an interesting news item, I’d better write that down – Yul Brynner, popular, “King & I”.

Brenda Krouse: [ stunned by Ross’ outburst ] Uh.. I guess I can understand how it would be a, uh.. a sore point.

Ross Treadway: Alright, listen, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Yul Brynner wasn’t good in the role, I’m sure he was. All I’m saying is that there’s a guy by the name of Ross Treadway, and he’s pretty good, too.

Brenda Krouse: Okay. Alright. Well, the reviews, overall, have been pretty favorable. Looking at my notes here, I see that your performance has been called “satisfactory”, “adequate”, “serviceable”..

Ross Treadway: [ annoyed ] Yeah. You know, my favorite was “workmanlike”. A response like that doesn’t exactly blast you out of bed in the morning!

Brenda Krouse: But, you know, Ross, you really can’t blame people for making that comparison, can you?

Ross Treadway: Who can’t blame people? I can blame. You bet I can blame! You know, the thing that irritates me is that people accept this great reputation – on heresay! I mean, how many people actually saw Yul Brynner in “The King & I”?

Brenda Krouse: [ laughs ] Well, come on! He did about 4,000 performances, plus the film, which was quite successful.

Ross Treadway: Define “successful”.

: [ laughs ] Well..

Ross Treadway: No! See, this really galls me! I mean, maybe that film was okay, but this guy made a lot of bad movies! Nobody wants to talk about those. “The Ten Commandments” – phew-wee!

Brenda Krouse: Really? Well now, you see, I really liked him in “The Ten Commandments”.. I did..

Ross Treadway: [ jumps up and taps her skull really hard ] Hel-lo! Is anybody home?!

Brenda Krouse: [ struggling ] Ow! Ouch! Stop it! Stop it! Don’t ever hit me! Alright?! Now, I can understand how you can be frustrated by this. But, really!

Ross Treadway: No, people are robots! They are! You know, they’re programmed from birth: “The King & I”? [ imitates a robot ] Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner.. It’s all so nice and tidy! But, God forbid, an original thought, or, let’s say, a talented actor should intrude upon their little menagerie of lies!

Brenda Krouse: Alright. Alright. Now, you choose to portray the king as having a full head of hair.

Ross Treadway: Okay.. [ holds up script ] Here’s the book of “The King & I” – right here!! Nowhere.. in this book.. does it say the king is bald. Nowhere! I’ll give you $10,000 if you can find the word “bald” anywhere! Here it is! [ thrusts out his bank book ] You want it!

Brenda Krouse: No, I don’t want it! It just seems that after Yul Brynner, the audience might be expecting a bald head.

Ross Treadway: Yeah. Okay! Fine! You’re right, you’re absolutely right! You know, let’s not knock the icon off his precious pedestal! [ grabs a pair of scissors and begins to cut his hair out ] You want bald?! Bald! Fine! Alright, blad it is!!

Brenda Krouse: [ tries to stop him ] No! No!

Ross Treadway: You’re happy! Everybody’s happy, okay! Here we go!

Brenda Krouse: Stop this! Ross, please!

Ross Treadway: Bald, bald, bald!!

[ Ross’ wife, Nina, steps onstage and tries to calm him down ]

Nina Treadway: Give me the scissors! Please? Give them to me! [ Ross hands her the scissors, sits down and cries ] I’ve got something to say to those people. You people make me so damn mad! My husband is a good man! But, oh, one unpardonable crime – he’s not Yul Brynner! Well, gee, I’m not Yul Brynner, either! And, you know what, none of you are Yul Brynner, either, are you? Are you?!

Ross Treadway: [ embarassed ] Nina.. I’m alright now..

Nina Treadway: You don’t deserve my husband! My husband, an actor! You all seem to want Yul Brynner – dig him up! See what kind of a show he’ll do for you! Then do your little standing ovation, throw your roses, and just get out! Just get out!!

Ross Treadway: Nina, please..

Nina Treadway: You’re the lowest form of life on Earth! The LOWEST form!! [ spits, turns and exits ]

Brenda Krouse: [ stunned ] Um.. you know, Ross.. maybe you ought to discuss this with someone.

Ross Treadway: Someone? You mean, a psychiatrist? Oh boy, that’s a good one.. I’m crazy? The whole world is worshipping at the altar of some overrated has-been, and I’m nuts?! Whoa-oa-oa, that’s a good one! Wow-ow-ow! [ gives a creepy laugh ]

Brenda Krouse: Alright, it.. it.. it causes you so much pain. Why don’t you just quit the show?

Ross Treadway: I am! What, are you kidding? What do you think I am, a masochist?! Four more weeks, and I’m doing a different show. Because I don’t need the aggravation – I don’t need it!!

Brenda Krouse: Well, that’s great.. that’s great, Ross. What-what-what show will you be doing?

Ross Treadway: “Zorba the Greek”.

Brenda Krouse: Well.. best of luck to you, Ross. You know what? We’re out of time. [ laughs ] Good night, we’ll see you next time!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 28th, 1987

Valerie Bertinelli

Robert Cray Band

Edwin Newman

Eddie Van Halen

Robert Cray Band, “Smoking Gun”

Eddie Van Halen & G.E. Smith, “Stompin’ 8H”

Don Regan & Nancy Reagan

Don Regan (Kevin Nealon) & Nancy Reagan (Jan Hooks) have affair.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Valerie Bertinelli’s Monologue

Bertinelli is desperate to shed her girl-next-door image.

McSooshi

(Repeat) See: 12/13/86

Hard News Cafe

Journalists enjoy lunch at Hard News Cafe theme restaurant.

Recurring Characters: Sam Donaldson, Ted Koppel.

Discover

Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) is clueless about precious metals.

Recurring Characters: Peter Graves.

Dinner with the Van Halens

Roadies (Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller) secure dinner table.

Robert Cray Band performs “Smoking Gun”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Contest winner (Jon Lovitz) hangs out with David lee Roth (Dana Carvey).

Kevin Nealon gets to the point about filing income tax returns.

Chinge Change

Ching Change thinks stranger (Bertinelli) is the perfect woman.

Recurring Characters: Ching Change.

Eddie Van Halen & SNL Band perform “Stompin’ 8H”

Washington Center I

Plastic surgery patient (Nora Dunn) touts the clinic.

Let’s Go To The Movies

College coeds (Bertinelli, Jan Hooks) praise “The Color of Money”.

Washington Center II

Plastic surgery patient (Nora Dunn) praises in spite of mishaps.

On Broadway

Yul Brynner’s replacement (Phil Hartman) is barely given a chance.

Robert Cray Band performs “Right Next Door”

Incompetent Doctor

Incompetenet doctor (Jon Lovitz) wonders if he should have been an opera singer.

SNL Transcripts

Great Moments in the History of White Trash III

Clinton Johnson…..Kevin Nealon
Friend…..A. Whitney Brown

Announcer: And now, NBC presents another “Great Moment in the History of White Trash”.

[ open on Clinton Johnson and Friend eating donuts at lunch counter ]

Clinton Johnson: I could sit in here and eat donuts all day long.

Friend: I could, too. If I had the money.

Clinton Johnson: Yeah. Well, I got it made in the shade. I met a welfare mother with seven kids. The money’s just rollin’ in!

Friend: Are you fixin’ to marry her?

Clinton Johnson: Hell, no! They’d cut the benefits off like that! [ snaps finger ] I may be dumb, but I ain’t no fool. [ laughs ]

Friend: Hey, what say we go for a ride in your new Trans Am?

Clinton Johnson: Why not? The government’s payin’ for the gas!

[ they shake hands ]

[ SUPER: “Clinton Johnson, Welfare Cheat” ]

[ zoom into box in upper right-hand corner, as Willie Nelson appears in the remainder of the screen ]

Willie Nelson: Clinton Johnson sure was a no-account good-for-nothing. He went on to serve five years for kiting checks. Still, he was good people. This has been another Great Moment in the History of White Trash.

SNL Transcripts

Great Moments in the History of White Trash II

Audra Foley…..Jan Hooks
Patron…..Phil Hartman
…..Willie Nelson

Announcer: And now, NBC presents another “Great Moment in the History of White Trash”.

[ open on Patron approaching waitress Audra Foley at the lunch counter ]

Audra Foley: Hi, there. What’s your pleasure, stranger?

Patron: I’ll go for one of them French dips.

Audra Foley: Sure thing, sugar. You want a donut, too?

Patron: You’re sassy. I like that! What time you get off work?

Audra Foley: What’s it to ya’?

Patron: ‘Cause I wanna take you out and buy you the thickest steak in town.

Audra Foley: Well, I don’t get off ’til midnight. That’s a little late for eatin’, don’tcha think?

Patron: Well.. then why don’t we just go down to the hotel and shack up?

Audra Foley: What kinda car you got?

Patron: Trans Am.

Audra Foley: Bring a bottle.

[ SUPER: “Audra Foley, Party Girl” ]

[ zoom into box in upper right-hand corner, as Willie Nelson appears in the remainder of the screen ]

Willie Nelson: Audra Foley went on to become an overweight divorcee with a pack of illegitimate children. She never amounted to much, but she sure was good people. This has been another Great Moment in the History of White Trash.

SNL Transcripts

Great Moments in the History of White Trash I

Carl Starkwell…..Danny DeVito
Jolene Starkwell…..Nora Dunn
…..Willie Nelson

Announcer: In an ongoing celebration of America’s cultural diversity, NBC proudly presents “Great Moment in the History of White Trash”.

[ open on Carl & Jolene Starkwell drinking coffee at a table in a greasy spoon ]

Carl Starkwell: [ laughing ] To my newest bride. [ motions to pour liquor into Jolene’s cup of coffee ] Let me top that off for ya’.

Jolene Starkwell: Oh, honey.. it’s eight o’clock in the morning.

Carl Starkwell: Where does the time go! [ laughs ]

Jolene Starkwell: Well, alright. You’re gettin’ better lookin’ by the gulp.

Carl Starkwell: Well, you know.. you drink more than my sixth wife. Boy, is she a loser!

Jolene Starkwell: Well, I’ll make you forget all about her. What do ya say we drive up to Lookout Mountain and have ourselves a honeymoon?

Carl Starkwell: Uh.. I was gonna mention that, dearie. I think we’re gonna have to do that next week. The Trans Am’s up on blocks.

Jolene Starkwell: Alright. Pour me another.

Carl Starkwell: You got it, Sweet Cheeks!

[ SUPER: “Carl & Jolene Starkwell, First Cousins” ]

[ zoom into box in upper right-hand corner, as Willie Nelson appears in the remainder of the screen ]

Willie Nelson: Carl never did get the Trans Am fixed. It just sat there in the front yard with it’s hood off ’til they got a divorce. Still, they sure were good people. This has been another Great Moment in the History of White Trash.

SNL Transcripts

Afterlife Styles of the Rich & Famous

Robin Leach…..Dana Carvey
Liberace…..Phil Hartman
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz

Robin Leach: Join me on a jauncy joy ride to the gigantic kingdom of the Great Jehovah! Where we’ll search out celestial celebrities who thought they were safe from me because they’re dead! This week, on a special editon of “Afterlife Styles of the Rich & Famous”!

[ dissolve to Robin standing in Heaven ]

Hello, I’m Robin Leach! I’m yelling, I don’t know why! I’m in Heaven! I’m not dead, I’m just visiting! We’re about to enter the exclusive estate of the Creator of the Universe! Next to me, are the Pearly Gates! Standing 47 stories high, and made of real pearls. On Earth, that would set you back nearly a billion dollars! Cost in Heaven: nothing! Nada! Zero! Zip! God just made them, I don’t know why![ hears piano music ]

What’s this? It sounds like music! [ looks and sees Liberace tickling the ivories ] Well, bless my bald spot! It’s the late Liberace literally lounging in paradise! [ walks over to Liberace, sits next to him on the piano bench ] But who’s the stranger here? I think it’s me!

Liberace: Why, Robin, what a surprise! You’re the last person I ever thought I’d see here!

Robin Leach: Libby, it looks like you got the last laugh on life! Tell us, what’s it like up here?

Liberace: It’s heavenly. I’m in Heaven! [ laughs ]

Robin Leach: He makes a joke! He’s deceased, and he makes a joke!

Liberace: It’s just fabulous here! There are fountains and dancing angels.. It’s like Las Vegas, only the lighting is better.

Robin Leach: Now, tell us, Libby, what was it like passing over?

Liberace: Well.. I was bathed in white lights.. just endless peace, warmth and love. I lifted higher and higher.. and then I entered a rhinstone tunnle, which I shot through at the speed of light. And when I reached the end, there was a chorus of friends and angels singing in greeting. And you know what they were singing, Robin? “Oklahoma”!

Robin Leach: Appropos! Tell me, Libby, have you met the top banana, the head honcho, the big cheese?

Liberace: Who?

Robin Leach: God!

Liberace: No, you don’t get to see him right away. First you have to be fitted with special glasses.

Robin Leach: One more question before I leave, Libby: what do you do all day?

Liberace: Oh, my goodness. What don’t I do? Of course, I love to play the piano, like always. I’d be pulling your leg if I denied that! [ chuckles ]

Robin Leach: Well, with all this, I have to wonder: are you happy?

Liberace: Are you kidding? [ laughs ]

[ Mephistopheles appears ]

Mephistopheles: [ laughing maniacally ] Good evening.

Robin Leach: Well, well, what a surprise! The elusive Lucifer here in person! What are you doing here?

Mephistopheles: I used to live here.

Robin Leach: Oh. Now he puts on a non grata. Cast into the pits of fire for eternity! A fall from grace for this demented demon!

Mephistopheles: Well, I still work here, Robin. You see, I’m the bouncer! [ laughs maniacally ] Time to go now, Robin.

Robin Leach: But I’m not a sinner, I’m a television personality! I have three shows, I don’t know why!

Mephistopheles: You are a fawning sycophant. There are many sins, Robin. Greed, flattery, envy.. a loud, annoying voice.

Robin Leach: But I’m not dead, I’m just visiting! Tell him, Libby!

Liberace: Goodbye, Robin! Thanks for dropping in!

Robin Leach: I’m Robin Leach! I’m going to Hell, I don’t know why!

[ Mephistopheles pulls Robin off screen, as the camera zooms in on Liberace ]

Liberace: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 21st, 1987

Willie Nelson

Willie Nelson

Danny DeVito

Willie Nelson, “Blue Eyes”

Afterlifestyles of the Rich & Famous

Robin Leach (Dana Carvey) interviews Liberace (Phil Hartman) in Heaven.

Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

Willie Nelson Sings “Nightlife”

General Dynamics

(Repeat) See: 10/11/86.

Great Moments in the History of White Trash I

Party girl Audra Foley (Jan Hooks) is profiled.

Police Wire

Mobsters set up DeAngelo (Danny DeVito) as he tries to snitch on them.

Great Moments in the History of White Trash II

Welfare cheat Clinton Johnson (Kevin Nealon) is profiled.

Church Chat

Danny DeVito plugs “Tin Men”, Nelson duet with Church Lady (Dana Carvey).

Recurring Characters: Church Lady.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Victoria Jackson performs handstand to review “Amerika”.

A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture observes China’s overpopulation.

Redneck Tanning Parlor

Southerners redden their necks the new-fashioned way.

Willie Nelson performs “Partners After All”

Great Moments in the History of White Trash II

Pathological Liar

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) chats with Nelson in a bar,
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Willie Nelson & Victoria Jackson perform “The Boyfriend Song”

Truck Stop

Eddie Frank (Nelson) tries to woo truck stop waitress Anita (Jan Hooks),

Willie Nelson performs “Blue Eyes”

SNL Transcripts