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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Goodnights

…..Cicely Tyson

[ Cicely Tyson stands along, clapping, as Garrett Morris steps up to hug her and the rest of the cast appears ]

Cicely Tyson: It’s been a wonderful, wonderful week for me! I’ve had an absolute ball! Good night!

[ the credits roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Rick Nelson, with musical guest Judy Collins. This is your old valentine, Don Pardo, saying “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Black Perspective

…..Garrett Morris
…..Cicely Tyson

[FADE IN on the “BLACK PERSPECTIVE” logo as African drum music from “Roots” plays in the background. FADE to Garrett Morris in the host’s chair.]

Garrett: Good evening. Welcome to “Black Perspective.” I’m your host, Garrett Morris. Tonight we’re going to be discussing role models… with our guest, Cicely Tyson, who, as a DOUBLE Emmy Award-winning actress, is herself a most positive role model for young blacks. Good evening, Cicely.

Cicely: Good evening, Garrett. Thank you. [smiles] It is true that I try through my work, I mean, through the parts that I choose, to show that, uh, the black women has [sic] been a strong, positive figure throughout American history, yes.

Garrett: Well, certainly your portrayals of, uh, Jane Pittman, and Harriet Tubman, running the Underground Railroad–and right on to THAT–uh, have demonstrated the courage, the determination of the black woman throughout our history. But, now, Hollywood wasn’t always that kind to the black woman, was it?

Cicely: [laughing] Oh, no.

Garrett: Tell me.

Cicely: It certainly was not, Garrett.

Garrett: Uh-huh.

Cicely: Uh, until just a few years ago, the only parts available to black actresses have been those of maids. You very well know that.

Garrett: Uh-huh. Cicely: For a while, I… [snickers] I mean, I grew up believing that white people didn’t know how to pick up after themselves. [laughter] Of course, now I know SEVERAL self-sufficient whites.

Garrett: [laughs] Cicely, Cicely, uh, um, I know a few too.

Cicely: [giggling] I’m sure you do!

Garrett: Yeah. Uh… Cicely, now, now, look. You tell us: why do you think that Hollywood, until recently, refused to offer positive role models to the black woman? I mean… why?

Cicely: Well… I think… Garrett, I think until recently, this was a man’s society.

Garrett: Mm-hm.

Cicely: And, um, an ethnic group or race was really judged by its men.

Garrett: Mm. Cicely: So what I think happened was that… the black woman… has just gotten a raw deal because black man has always been such a loser.

[HOLD on a closeup of Garrett glaring icily at her.]

Garrett: Say WHAT?

[laughter]

Cicely: I mean, you are all so shiftless, and lazy–I mean, just TOO shiftless and TOO lazy to get anywhere!

Garrett: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait a minute, uh, Cicely, I’m not sure I understand what you’re sayin’, now. Could you…

Cicely: It’s not complicated at ALL, Garrett. It is very simple.

Garrett: Well, break it down for me, will you? Cicely: I mean, it’s very simple. Black men just RUINED it for black women. I mean, you were always busy gettin’ high, pimpin’, tryin’ to prove your manhood by fightin’, and stealin’, and wheelin’, and dealin’, instead of studying like the Jewish men!

[laughter]

Garrett: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… uhhhhhhhhh…

Cicely: I mean, do you think that Barbra Streisand has any difficulty getting parts?

Garrett: Well, now, listen, bitch. Uh…

Cicely: [enraged] GARRETT!! [starts to rise from chair] I mean, that’s what WRONG with you black men!!

Garrett: [holds up hands] Joke! Joke!

Cicely: I don’t talk that way!

Garrett: Cicely, you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life!

Cicely: Oh, man, don’t give me that!!

Garrett: The avenues for the white man…

Cicely: I don’t need you to tell me about my eyes!

Garrett: …have been traditionally closed to black men, now, you know that!

Cicely: Hey, listen! You all fall back on that old story all the time! It’s old, it’s cliched–forget it! The black man just never got himself together–and that’s all there is to it! I mean, look what you all did to Detroit! That USED to be a NICE town!

[laughter and applause]

Garrett: Well, now, come to think of it, my daddy WAS a little shiftless, you know.

Cicely: Uh-HUH.

Garrett: Well, I wish I could continue with this, but we’re out of TIME. Uh, tune in next week… [Cicely begins to stand up and gets into his shot] …when we talk to former Senator Edward Brooks about his perjured testimony in his divorce proceedings, AND now stay tuned to “The World at War,” starring Richard Burton. [points finger at Cicely] Now, you know I never…

Cicely: We’re really out of time!

Garrett: Cicely, will you let me say something?

[As they continue arguing, ZOOM in on the “Black Perspective” logo on the wall above them. “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by the Temptations is heard playing. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Belushi’s Sketch Cut

…..Jane Curtin
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi

[FADE IN on a slide showing a black-and white photo of a grinning thirtyish woman with thick blonde hair and oversized glasses. Next to her is the caption, “Emergency starring Megan Marshack.” The director can faintly be heard counting down the final seconds.]

Don Pardo: “Emergency” starring Megan Marshack will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you this special presentation.

[FADE to black over laughter and applause, then FADE IN on Gilda Radner walking out of 8H into the cast locker room. She walks over to the bench and sits down next to Jane Curtin.]

Jane Curtin: How was the meeting?

Gilda Radner: I don’t know, Jane, I think there’s gonna be trouble. Lorne just cut John’s big piece, the one where he plays Vice-Premier Deng? I mean, John’s been working on that for a real long time, it’s important to him.

Jane: Well, why was it cut?

Gilda: Well, it seems like the writers just found out that, uh, Deng went back to China. You know, they’re all so busy they didn’t get a chance to watch the news or anything and, uh… now Deng isn’t even here anymore.

Jane: Well, he left five days ago.

Gilda: I know, and they just found out.

Jane: Well, I just saw John in makeup, and he didn’t really seem that upset to me.

Gilda: I know, he looks okay, but I can see that look in his eyes–I’m just afraid he’s gonna start… throwing things again.

[While Gilda is talking, whistling can be heard off camera, and suddenly John ambles in, wearing a long black suit, his hair combed straight back, and his eyebrows looking oddly short. He takes a drag off a cigarette as Gilda exits fast. Jane nervously stands up and steps to her locker while John exhales smoke and coolly regards her.]

John Belushi: Hey, what’s the–

[Jane jerks her head at him.]

John: What’s the matter with Gilda?

Jane: Oh, nothing, she was just afraid you might hit her or something.

John: [scoffs] Well, why would I HIT her?

Jane: Oh, she thought you might be mad because the Deng piece was cut.

John: [with his cigarette in his mouth] The Deng piece? Nahhhh…

[John reaches up above the top of his locker, pulls the entire locker out of the wall, then replaces it and opens the door.]

John: [grunting] That doesn’t matter. That doesn’t matter, it’s no big deal, you know? The guy left town. [shrugs off jacket] Those things happen, y’know?

Jane: You know, maybe it’s just as well, because your Deng imitation is a lot like your Samurai only without the sword. [snickers]

John: [chuckles dryly] What are you saying? [sets jacket in locker] You’re saying that my Samurai, uh, imitation is like my Deng imitation? [closes door] They’re totally DIFFERENT. TOTALLY different. Japanese is an atonal language, it’s different. He comes out, uh–the walks are different. I’ve been working on Deng’s walk for three days now, I mean, I know how he walks. The Japanese walk, it’s a smaller walk, it’s like…

[He takes mincing little steps and speaks Samurai gibberish.]

John: You know? Uh, uh, Chinese, it’s, it’s more musical, it’s…

[He does gibberish in a nasal tone with longer, drawn-out sounds.]

John: And he takes big steps, you know, big steps. [takes longer steps] They’re TOTALLY different. It’s altogether different…

Jane: You don’t have to get upset about it, John–

John: I’m NOT angry, Jane. Nope. [adjusts collar suavely] I have nothing to be angry about. [pauses] Life is good. I’m in a hit movie… I’ve got a number one album on the charts… and I’m on the best show on, on television. SO WHAT if a part is cut now and then? That’s nothing to be upset about, really.

Jane: John, that’s quite a change for you!

John: Well… I just realized… [turns to side] Nothing is worth losing your head about, y’know? Not one thing is that important, because I’ve got a lotta eggs in the basket. If this show should end… I’d have other stuff to do… not like YOU. [laughter] What would you do, you’d go back to Boston in some improv group, you know–“Ah, give me a suggestion of a location, an occupation, an emotion”–hey, that’s great entertainment, Jane. You see… you’ve got no choice. I could have stayed in Hollywood, done another movie. I could’ve done a LOT of things! [calmly] But no. [laughter] I came back because I wanted to. And that’s the difference between us, Jane. I’m here not because I have to be… because I want to be. It’s the new me. Better get used to it.

Jane: John, that’s great. A whole new John Belushi, thanks to a little success and a lot of heroin.

[As Jane turns to leave, John wheels around and punches her locker door, where her face had been a second earlier. He slams the door shut and sprawls clumsily against it for a moment, then turns back to the camera.]

John: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[John tilts his head wryly at the lens. FADE to opening montage.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameoss:

Bit Players:


February 10th, 1979

Cicely Tyson

Talking Heads

None

None

Al Franken

Paul Shaffer

Andy Murphy
Belushi’s Sketch CutSummary: “Emergency”, starring Megan Marshack, is pre-empted in favor of tonight’s episode of “Saturday Night Live”, though things may be in for a rough start because John Belushi’s Deng sketch is cut after it’s learned that the Vice-Premiere already returned to China.

Transcript

Montage

Cicely Tyson’s MonologueSummary: Garrett Morris steps onto the stage in drag to deliver the monologue, convinced that he was assigned the role of Cicely Tyson. A shocked Cicely appears to express her dismay at Garrett’s lack of dignity on SNL.

Bio: Known for her loyalty in performing only strong, positive images of black women, Cicely Tyson (1933-) found her greatest success in the television films “The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman” in 1974 (in which she won an Emmy for portraying a 110-year-old slave who looks back on her life), and “Roots” in 1977.

Transcript

Elvis Presley’s CoatSummary: The King may be dead, but his coat lives on and is a major hit at concert performances.

Note: Repeat from 78d.

The WidettesSummary: The Widette Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, John Belushi, Gilda Radner) meet Earl (Garrett Morri) and Wilma Bass (Cicely Tyson), a couple with similar oversized butts.

Recurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette.

The Shah’s Final DaysSummary: Sherri Norwalk (Laraine Newman), working as an embassy receptionist in Iran, makes the Shah’s (Bill Murray) visitors wait to see him.

Recurring Characters: Sherry, Jason, Granny, Mohammed Reza Pahlevi.

Talking Heads perform “Take Me To The River”Bio: The Talking Heads are guitarist/vocalist David Byrne, drummer Chris Frantz, bassist Tina Weymouth, and keyboardist Jerry Harrison. Byrne, Frantz and Weymouth met at the Rhode Island School of Design in the early 1970’s, before moving to New York to make music.

Frontier MidwifeSummary: The Frontier Midwife (Cicely Tyson) faces the task of delivering a baby in a cabin full of men.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jane Curtin delivers an inappropriate eulogy for Sid Vicious. Via “Strictly Speaking”, Dan Aykroyd comments on an unfair U.S.-China trade agreement.

Nick “Rails”Summary: Nick the Lounge Singer (Bill Murray) entertains passengers on an Auto Train headed to Orlando.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Transcript

Black PerspectiveSummary: Garrett Morris is appalled when his guest, Cicely Tyson, blames black men for the poor image received by black women.

Transcript

World At WarSummary: Members of the Walker Brigade perform battle during World War II.

Recurring Characters: Richard Burton.

Transcript

X-PoliceSummary: The X-Police (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) harrass a pair of women (Jane Curtain, Laraine Newman) they mistake for lesbians.

Recurring Characters: The X-Police.

Cicely Sings SicilySummary: Cicely Tyson sings a series of Italian songs.

LitellavisionSummary: Emily Litella hosts an arts presentation in which Garrett Morris and Cicely Tyson star in a performance of “Porky & Bess.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Talking Heads performs “Artists Only”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers
What If?
Written by: Jim Downey
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Kevin Temple…..Garrett Morris
Eileen Houton…..Gilda Radner
Hitler…..Michael Palin
Lois Laneoff…..Laraine Newman
Jimmy Olstein…..Al Franken
Klaus Kent/Uberman…..Dan Aykroyd
Jor-El…..John Belushi
Mr. Kent…..Bill Murray

Joan Face: Good evening, I’m Joan Face. Welcome again to “What If?” Each week on the show, we ask a hypothetical question about a specific historical event. Tonight’s question, like all our questions, comes from a Mr. Kevin O’Donnell, age 10, a paperboy from Alton, Illinois. Kevin asks, “What If Superman grew up in Germany, instead of America?” With us to help answer this question is our panel of experts: Brigadier General Kevin Temple, and Eileen Houton, Professor of Modern Histroy at Wellesly College, and owner of one of the largest comic book collections in the United States. Professor Houton, what if Superman grew up in Germany instead of America?

Eileen Houton: Well, Joan, as you know, Superman’s father, Jor-El, sent the infant Superman from Krypton toward the planet Earth, where he landed in Kansas, sometime around 1930. Superman adopted the philospohies of his new parents, the Kents: truth, justice, and the American way. Now, if he had landed in, say, Prussia, he would have adopted entirely different values.

Joan Face: So, what you’re saying is that the young Superman maywell have become a Nazi?

Eileen Houton: Exactly!

Joan Face: Well, of course, we should remember that at the time Superman was reaching manhood, Germany was at war with the United States. General, what would have happened if the Man of Steel had fought for the Third Reich?

Kevin Temple: Wait a minute, why didn’t Superman fight for us?

Joan Face: This is a hypothetical question, General.

Kevin Temple: Oh.. oh, yes.. I’m sorry.. Um..

Joan Face: Well, here’s tonight’s dramatization of: What if Superman had grown up in Germany instead of America?

[ dissolve into presentation ]

[ SUPER: Berlin, 1943 – The Chancellory Headquarters of the Third Reich ]

[ open on Hitler giving a speech ]

Hitler: The Russians are swine! Just one step above the Poles! Two steps above the Gypsies! Four steps above the Homosexuals! Five steps above the Negros! Nine steps above the Dwarves! Fifteen steps above the Gypsy Homosexuals! Twenty-seven steps above the Negro Gypsy Homosexual Dwarves! And forty-three steps above the Jews! Did I mention the Homosexual Jews? [ is assured he has ] Right! The meeting is over!

Generals: Heil, Hitler!

[ the Generals rise from their chairs and exit the Chancellory Headquarters.. except for one General who pauses to leave a ticking briefcase on the counter ]

Hitler: [ presses intercom ] Frau Guston, who is waiting to see me?

Voice on Intercom: Colonel Klink, and those three reporters fromthe Daily Planet.

Hitler: Send in the reporters!

[ the reporters are shown in ]

Reporters: Heil, Hitler!

Hitler: Well, I wish to praise your propaganda work in the newspaper! [ points to Lois ] Your must be..?

Lois Laneoff: Lois Laneoff, Mein Fuhrer. Und this is Jimmy Olstein.

Hitler: Olstein?!

Jimmy Olstein: E-Y-N, Mein Fuhrer! Dutch ancestors on myfather’s side!

Lois Laneoff: Und this is Klaus Kent.

Hitler: Klaus Kent! Aren’t you the man who beat Jesse Owens in ’36?

Klaus Kent: Ya.

Lois Laneoff: You, Klaus? You’re such a clumsy bumbler.

Klaus Kent: Yes, Lois. But I was younger then.. now, I’m just amild-mannered clerk for the Ministry of Propaganda. [ Klaus turns andnotices the ticking briefcase sitting on the counter – he uses his X-ray vision to discover a bomb inside ] Excuse me, Mein Fuhrer? Is that a janitor’s closet?

Hitler: Ya.

Klaus Kent: Excuse me for a moment. [ Klaus ducks inot to janitor’s closet, where he removes a piece of kryptonite and summons Jor-El ]

Jor-El: [ appearing ] My Son. My Son. I am your father, Jor-El. Your mother and I have sent you to Earth the only survivor of Krypton. As you hear this, I will have been dead many centuries, but I will reborn as Charlie Rich. On the planet Earth you have special powers and knowledge, which will separate you from mankind. Use these powers only for good, and above all you must never tamper with the destiny of man. And don’t eat junk food. [ disappears ]

[ Klaus uses the kryptonite to summon his Earth father, Mr. Kent ]

Mr. Kent: My Son. When your Vearth mother und I found you in the Black Forest, we raised you as our own. We taught you how to battle at Versailles. How Jews are parasites. And how Germany vill one day bring order to the vorld. Und don’t, Son, ever lift those Volkswagens by the bumper – come right off in your hand. [ disappears ]

Klaus Kent: Ya! He’s right! I will use my powers for the fatherland. For I am.. [ strips off his Earth clothes to reveal his supercostume ] ..Uberman!

[ “Superman Theme” plays, as Uber-Man crashes through the janitor’s closet ]

Hitler: Wha..?

Uberman: Excuse me, Mein Fuhrer! Stand back! There’s a bomb inthis briefcase! [ thorws bomb to the floor, then dives on top of it. The bomb explodes, smoke rises, and Uberman stands up unharmed. ]

Hitler: You smothered the bomb with your body, and you’re not even bleeding! Who are you?

Uberman: I am.. Uberman! I have superhuman powers, and Ifight for untruth, injustice, and the Nazi way! And I have X-ray vision!

Lois Laneoff: X-ray vision? Can you see through my clothes?

Uberman: Ya! And through his, too. [ points at Jimmy Olstein ] He’s a Jew!

Jimmy Olstein: No! No, it’s not true! My parents were just very advanced in hygeine, that’s all..!

Hitler: Silence! Guard, take this Jew away!

Uberman: No need! I’ll drop him off at the camp on my vay to the Eastern front!

[ Uberman grabs Jimmy Olstein and flies out the window ]

Hitler: What an amazing stroke of luck. We might win this whole war!

[ cut to footage of troops marching – newspaper headline reads: “Uberman Takes Stalingrad in 5 Minutes”; second headline reads: “Uberman Rounds Up 2 Million Jews”; third headline reads: “Uberman Kills Every Person in England, U.S. Next” ]

[ dissolve back to the “What If?” studio ]

Joan Face: Well, that looked pretty grim. I guess we would havelost the war.

Kevin Temple: Not necessarliy, Joan. As you know, Joan.. Superman, or Uberman, is vulnerable to one thing: kryptonite. The U.S. would have put all its energy into creating a kryptonite bomb in time to stop Uberman.

Eileen Houton: And after the war, with the entire British isles wiped out, it may well have become the Jewish homeland, and Israel would be in England today.

Joan Face: Ah. Well, thank you very much, General Temple, Professor Houton. Join us next week when we pose the question: “What if all women had snouzer faces?”

[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is There A Super Bowl In Heaven?” ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Mr. Bill Goes To Court

Mr. Hands: Hey kids, It’s time for the Mr. Bill Show.

(Curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh boy, it’s so good to see you again (The doorbell rings) Uh say Mr. Hands. Can you see who’s at the door huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure. Say a messagener brought this summons for you.

Mr. Bill: What does it say huh?

Mr. Hands: (Opens up a scroll and it says “Mr Bill’s Gonna Get It”) Well it says here that you are being sued by Mr. Sluggo because your dog Spot bit him on the leg and has rabies.

Mr. Bill: Oh but Spot wouldn’t bite anybody you know that.

Mr. Hands: Sorry Mr. Bill but it looks like we have to go to court. But don’t worry I’ll be your attorney!

(Mr. Hands takes Mr. Bill off the set and into a courtroom.)

Mr. Bill: Ok kids I guess we have to go to court today and… Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Here ye! Here ye! The honorable Judge Sluggo says he wants the defendant to approach the bench. (Moves Mr. Bill to the left of Sluggo)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! But he’s gonna be mean to me Mr. Hands.

Mr. Hands: Now he says the court must come to order! (Pounds a gavel right on Mr. Bill’s hand flattening it.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Now first the defense would like to call to the witness stand Mr. Spot. (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s Dog” (Molds Spot into shape.)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Spot! How are you doing Spot huh? Yay!

(Spot is carrying a ball and chain with him and he’s foaming at the mouth)

Mr. Hands: Now the defense would like to prove that Spot does not have rabies.

Mr. Bill: Yay thanks Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: (Holding an injection needle) I’ll take a blood test!

Mr. Bill: No no! Don’t do that to him! Don’t Do– Ohhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

(Spot is injected cleanly into the needle)

Mr. Hands: Uh oh, It looks like the jury (all Sluggos) thinks that spot doe shave rabies.

Mr. Bill>: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: The only thing we can do now is call your mother to the stand.

Mr. Bill: Yay!

Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s mom.” (Molds Mom into shape and puts her on the stand)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Mom! How are you doing mom? Yay!

Mr. Hands: Now Judge Sluggo would like to ask your mother if Mr. Bill has ever been a naughty boy.

Mom: Mr. Bill is the nicest son a mother could ever have.

Mr. Bill: Yay thanks mom! Yay

Mom: Now District Attorney Sluggo would like to cross examine your mother. Alone in the back room.

Mr. Bill: No where are you taking her. He’s going to be mean to her.

(Sluggo starts beating Mom up in the back room.)

Mom: Ooh. Oh. Ow. Oooh. Oh Ow. Oh.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh mom why why!

(Mom comes back with two black eyes and her arms pulled off.)

Mr. Hands: Hey wait, there’s been a sudden change in testimony!

Mom: Mr. Bill is a spoiled brat and has committed many felonies recently.

Mr. Hands: The DA says no further questions

(Mom goes right through the floor)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh no Mr. Bill. The jury has decided to throw the books at you!

(A couple of big books are thrown right at Mr. Bill.)

Mr. Bill: No no no, ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: The only thing we can do now is plead insanity. Ahhh Judge Sluggo says you are insane.

Mr. Bill: Yaay!

Mr. Hands: And that you need shock treatment. (Takes Mr. Bill and puts him in the electric chair and puts the beamer on his head.)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! But I’m innocent! You know I didn’t do anything Mr. Hands (A bell rings) Wait wait! Maybe that’s the govenor calling.

Mr. Hands: Naw I doubt it. So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says…(Pulls the switch.)

Mr. Bill: …Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (His head lights up like a flashlight!)

THE END

Submitted by: Nick

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Michael Palin’s Monologue

…..Michael Palin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Palin!

Michael Palin: Hello, hi! Great, great! [ he catches his breath and laughs ] I’m overcome! This is just wonderful! I mean, to come 3,000 miles… to this. 4,000 by Concorde. Ah, it’s just GREAT to be here! All I can say is, it’s just GREAT to be back on “Saturday Night Live”! [ the audience cheers ] No! Please. You’re just trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate it. Uh — no. It’s just one movie. Here, with the guys again — I mean, Danny out there’s been great, and uh — [ a woman screams ] all the others are just, uh… [ he pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and reads ] Uh — John… [ a woman screams ] Gilda… [ a woman screams, a man yells “Yeahh!” ] Laraine… [ a woman screams ] Jane… [ a woman screams; Palin stares in her direction ] Garrett, of course… [ a woman screams ] and Bill… [ a woman screams ] and a couple of pounds of potatoes. I’m sorry.

[ he puts the paper away ]

Anyway, it’s just — I mean, it’s a great thrill to be back here again. Everything’s working well, and I think — I may say this now, because I think we have… dare I say it? Yeah, I dare! A near perfect show for you tonight. I mean, just with the rehearsals, the writers have come up with superb material, The Doobie Brothers as our musical guest! [ the audience cheers ] They are — they’re just so good! FRanken & Davis, we have. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, everything’s GREAT… apart from the fact that I have the wrong socks. [ the audience chuckles ] STILL, this is not a problem, this is just — well, this is just between me and — [ a woman screams ] Is that my mother up there? This is just between me and NBC. It’s a little problem, a little problem that does not affect you at all. No, I just — I mean, I really can’t wait, because I want to get on with the show because, honestly, the stuff I’ve seen, really… I mean — the only thing about the socks that really gets me is… I’m not…

[ the audience laughs and screams ]

I’ll just tell you: I have… I have a problem, in that area. Which is that I have an allergy. I have an allergy to wool. Now, okay, certain socks are made of wool. So… when I, you know, negotiate the contract, they say “Come over here, we want you to do the show.” I say, “Fine, but obviously I’d like to — if possible, if it’s not possible to have wool socks.” I don’t like to say “Michael Palin says he would do the show, you know, provided he doesn’t have wool socks!” I don’t want to say that, but I wrote them a letter and I spoke to someone on the phone, and they said, “Fine, you won’t have any wool socks. We’ll get rayon, terry, you know or something like that.” Just a — you know, nothing much, but it helps my comfort during the show! And if I don’t wear wool socks, things get a little uncomfortable. Anyway, so I thought we’d leave it at that! But, you know, it’s great! It’s great! I come in today… I pass a store selling rayon, terry, and all other socks all on sale. I cme in today, there’s not a SOCK in the building… which doesn’t have pure lamb quality. I mean, it’s a silly thing, anyway!

Anyway — no. [ he looks around ] I tell you, this show tonight — you’ve just a foretaste, really, with Danny’s bit there. There are soem tremendous things to come, and I’d like you know — I don’t want to carry on. Just let me say this: With a show as good as this, it’s just a pity that they couldn’t have brung, possibly, to something in the hosiery area. I’d really be a little better, you know? NBC, RCA — they own most of Americs! [ he laughs nervously ] You know — they send me by Concorde, they send me by limosine, you know, a limosine with stereotronics in the back to take me to the hotel, they drive me around here, they give me a lvoely dressing room with drinks and everything like that, and cheese and all that, but… yeah, I don’t get the stocks. Still… I-I, you know, it’s just a pity, because it’s all so good. I won’t say any more, just, just, uh, enjoy the show and… we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Goodnights

…..Michael Palin

Michael Palin: [ holding an armful of socks, which he can’t keep his full grip on ] Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to thank all of you who, during the course of the show, have sent in, from places as far apart as Decatur and Pittsburgh, socks, just like I needed earlier. Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you!

Don Pardo V/O: Two weeks from tonight, “Saturday Night”‘s host will be cicely Tyson, with musical guest Talking Heads. This is Don Pardo. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

The Franken and Davis Show

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis
…..Laraine Newman
…..Gilda Radner
Voice on Intercom…..Jane Curtin

[ open on animated title card ]

Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken and Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. Now here’s al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Franken and Davis entering stage to audience applause ]

Al Franken: Thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen… and welcome to the show.

Tom Davis: Now, those of you who are familiar with “The Franken & Davis Show” know that both Al and I are international Communist revolutionaries.

Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you very much!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you very much! And our special guest stars tonight — and this is quite a thrill — are two giant superstars. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner!

Tom Davis: Yeah! Come on!

[ the audience applauds wildly as Laraine and Gilda step out ]

Al Franken: Thanks for coming on, girls!

Gilda Radner: Oh, thank you, guys! Uh — you know, ladies and gentlemen, when Laraine and I were asked to do the show, we jumped at the chance because, like Tom and Al, Laraine and I are working toward the day when the entire world will be ruled by ONE Marxist government!

Al Franken: Yeah!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Laraine Newman: That’s right. And I think we all agree, that in order for the, uh, prolatariat revolution to succeed, we’ll have to all pitch in to make things worse.

Al Franken: Yeah!

Gilda Radner: Alright!

Tom Davis: Thank you!

[ they all applaud their efforts ]

Tom Davis: That’s wonderful, Laraine. And that’s why on tonight’s show we’re going to present… the first pornography made expressly for television, to help corrupt the moral fiber of our imperialist culture!

Al Franken: Perhaps in our own small way, we can hasten the collapse of our culture and help to clear the way… for the revolution!

Tom Davis: So, if you have any impressionable children who are asleep — wake them up, please, and join us now as we go to Dallas Stadium.

[ dissolve to “Porno For T.V.” opening grraphics ]

Announcer: “Porno For T.V.” [ over title ] “They Rubbed Backs To Get To The Top”.

[ dissolve to Tom as Coach Laundry, reading a porno magazine as his intercom buzzes ]

Tom Davis: Yeah?

Voice on Intercom: Coach Laundry, there are two sisters here who’d like to talk to you about being cheerleaders?

Tom Davis: Okay, send them in — NO interruptions.

[ Laraine and Gilda enter as the two sisters ]

Laraine Newman: Hi! You must be Coach Laundry.

Tom Davis: Yes. Sometimes they call me “Dirty” Laundry.

Gilda Radner: Oh! We’d do ANYTHING to become Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders — and I mean ANYTHING!

Tom Davis: [ piqued ] Anything?

Laraine Newman: That’s riiight.

Tom Davis: How about even rubbing my… back?

Laraine Newman: Oh, sure! You know, our fantasy as sisters is to rub the backs of a coach and football player at the same time!

Tom Davis: Huh? [ into intercom ] Miss Welch? Is Jackie Watts still there in the outer office?

Voice on Intercom: Why, yes!

Tom Davis: Send him in!

Gilda Radner: [ excited ] Jackie Watts? He’s one of the BIGGEST backs in football!

[ Al enters as Jackie Watts ]

Al Franken: Sorry I dropped that… pass… in the… end zone… Coach.

Laraine Newman: [ carressing him ] Ohhhh, forget about the Super Bowl, Jackie. We’re gonna rub your backs like they’ve never been rubbed before! [ she rips his shirt open ] Oh, God!

Al Franken: Oh, great!

Laraine Newman: Get on that couch, honey! Come on! [ she shoves him down ]

Al Franken: Oh, great! [ she begins to rub his back ] Oh!

[ Tom begins to remove his shirt ]

Gilda Radner: How about on the desk?

Tom Davis: Okay. [ he stretches across the desk and she begins to rub his back ] Oh… oh! Oh, that feels GODO! Oh, a little slower. That’s it.

Al Franken: Oh, yeah!

Laraine Newman: Oh, your back is hot.

Al Franken: Oh, yeah! Oh… watch the nails. Oh! Oh, that feels good!

Gilda Radner: [ playing with her hair ] I’m going to try something really UNUSUAL! I want to hold your weight!

Tom Davis: Okay, baby! Whatever you… oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, you’re driving me crazy!

[ Jackie and his sister have changed positions ]

Laraine Newman: Ohhh, crack me! Crack me!

Al Franken: [ twisting her neck ] You’re just… bending!

Laraine Newman: Oh, yeah!

Al Franken: Hey. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you and your sister rub each other’s backs… and we’ll watch?

Girls: Okay!

[ the male audience members begin to moan in anticipation, as Gila sits down to rub Laraine’s back ]

Laraine Newman: Oh! Ohhhh!

Tom Davis: Hey. You know how to use one of these? [ he pulls out a back scratcher ]

Gilda Radner: I don’t know.

Tom Davis: Give it a try! [ he uses it to scratch Laraine’s back ]

Laraine Newman: Oh! Oh! Scratch me all over! Oh!

Al Franken: Hey! Hey, let ME get in there!

[ they all climb onto the sofa together, the back scratcher wedged between them ]

Al Franken: Oh, yeah!

Tom Davis: Oh!

Al Franken: Yeah!

Tom Davis: Oh!

Al Franken: Oh, baby!

Tom Davis: Oh! Yeah!

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

[ dissolve to “The FRanken and Davis Show” title card ]

Announcer: Al and Tom will be right back after this message from the Communist Party. [ over product slide ] “The Communist Party: The Shah’s Not OUR Friend”. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom waving onstage ]

Al & Tom: Goodnight, everybody!

Al Franken: Good night!

Tom Davis: Thanks for watching!

Al Franken: Thanks for watching!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

State Of The Union 1979

Ray McDougal V/O…..Al Franken
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill, with SUPER: “The State of the Union – 1979” ]

Announcer: From Washington, D.C., NBC presents President Carter’s State of the Union Address. Now, from inside the Capitol, is NBC’s Ray MacDougal.

[ dissolve to interior, politicians talking amongst themsleves as they wait for Carter’s arrival ]

Ray MacDougal V/O: In just a moment, the House Doorkeeper will announce the President. Rumor had it earlier today that the President may not have been able to give the address, because of a painful medical problem, but we’ve heard that he definitely is here. And, uh —

[ the house Speaker stands ]

House Speaker: Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!

[ real footage of Carter entering the interior to huge applause, as everyone attempts to shake his hand as he makes his way to th front ]

Ray MacDougal V/O: The President is.. waddling into the House Chambers now. The entire Congress is, of course, aware of the President’s condition, and they are obviously applauding his courage – his stoic face refuses to betray the obvious discomfort caused by his affliction.

[ cut now to Dan Aykroyd as Carter, who finally makes his way to the front, walking stiffly so as to highlgiht his discomfort ]

President Jimmy Carter: My fellow Americans.. as I start my third year as President.. I’m happy to announce.. that the state of the union.. is the best it’s ever been. We are in great shape. We are at peace, more people are jogging, we have the best Superbowl ever!

[ stock footage of the room applauding ]

But, we do have problems. The most irritating of which is the constant swelling of inflation. The vessels of our economy.. are dangling in suspense.. to see how this nagging problem will be rectified. Inflation is not pretty. After a long, hard look.. I believe I’ve put my finger on the problem. We have overextended ourselves.. put too much strain on our economy for opportunists —

[ show Ted Kennedy in the crowd, with SUPER: “Next President” ]

Therefore, to drive the piles for a new foundation, to deal with inflation, I will present to Congress a comprehensive legislative package that I call: Preparation-I. With diligent application, this program will hopefully shrink inflation, and relieve this burden which itches away at the base of out economy.

[ stock footage of the room applauding ]

I could go on and describe, in the most vague generalities – inadequate efforts – that arms reductions are human rights. But I just can’t take standing here any longer. So, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts