Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Decibet

Joseph Franklin…..Dan Aykroyd

[ Music Open: bouncy Muzak rendition of “The Alphabet Song” ]

Announcer: And now, Mr. Joseph Franklin of the U.S. Council of Standards and Measures.

Joseph Franklin: Thank you. Tonight I’d like to talk to you about how the new metric system of conversion will affect you. This is one in a series of public reeducation programs designed to make Americans aware of the metric conversion to take place in the next ten years. Most Americans already know that the measurement of miles will be discarded in favor of kilometers – a systme of measurement based on the unit of tens and already in use in most of the world. Few people, however, know about the new metric alphabet: the “Decibet”; “deci” from the Greek “ten”, and “bet” from our own “alphabet”. Let’s take a look, shall we? [ holds up large poster of the Decibet ] Now, isn’t that simple? Only ten letters. Twn fingers.. ten letters.

[ holds flip cards ]

Now, let’s take a look at some specifics.

[ shows Card 1 ] A, B, C, and D: our first and most popular letters will remain the same.

[ shows Card 2 ] E and F, however, will be combined and graphically simplified to make one character.

[ shows Card 3 ] The groupings GHI, and..

[ shows Card 4 ] LMNO will be condensed to single letters. Incidentally, a boon to those who always had trouble pronouncing LMNO correctly.

[ shows Card 5 ] And finally, the so-called “trash letters”, or P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z, will be condensed to this easily recognizable dark character.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten! Now, let’s take a look at how this change will affect our daily speech habits.

[ shows card ] In the EF grouping addition, the word “eagle” would remain basically the same in character, but would be pronounced “efaglef”. However, certain words previously beginning with the letter F, like..

[ shows xard ] ..”fish”, would be pronounced with an additional E sound: this, “efish”. “I caught a big efish.”

[ shows card ] “Goat” would remain “goat”.

[ shows card ] “Hotel” will carry the G letter addition, but as in many words beginning with the GH sound, such as “Ghana”, the G would remain silent; thus, “hotel”. However, words beginning wih I..

[ shows card ] .. as in “industry”, will be pronounced “gindustry”. The meaning will remain the same. LMNO’s grouping is similar.

[ shows card ] “Mucus” will be LMNOucus”.

[ shows card ] “Light” would remain “light”.

[ shows card ] And “open” would then ne “LMNOpen”, as in, “Honey, would you LMNOpen the door?” Finally, the “trash letters”, or the letters from P to Z, would then make a stop sign appear like this: [ holds up stop sign with unintelligble blotch on it ] So there you have it. We hope to eventually establish the Universal Metric Alphabet in America by 1979. Join me next time, when we explore the changes you’ll be seeing in alphabet soup and spelling bee contest rules. But now, let’s sing the old favorite, the childhood “Alphabet Song”, as we will hear it in the future..

[ singing ] “A, B, C, D, EF.. GHI.. J, K, LMNO.. [ blotch ]”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Beatles Offer

Written by: Lorne Michaels

…..Lorne Michaels

Lorne Michaels: Hi, I’m Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night”. Right now, we’re being seen by approximately 22 million viewers, but please allow me, if I may, to address myself to just four very special people – John, Paul, George, and Ringo – the Beatles: Lately there have been a lot of rumors to the effect that the four of you might be getting back together. That would be great. In my book, the Beatles are the best thing that ever happened to music. It goes even deeper than that – you’re not just a musical group, you’re a part of us. We grew up with you.

It’s for this reason that I am inviting you to come on our show. Now, we’ve heard and read a lot about personality and legal conflicts that might prevent you guys from reuniting. That’s something which is none of my business. That’s a personal problem. You guys will have to handle that. But it’s also been said that no one has yet to come up with enough money to satisy you. Well, if it’s money you want, there’s no problem here.

The National Broadcasting Company has authorized me to offer you this check to be on our show.. [ holds up check ] ..a certified check for $3,000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Beatles, for $3,000. All you have to do is sing three Beatles songs. “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.” That’s $1,000 right there. You know the words – it’ll be easy.

Like I said, this is made out to the Beatles – you divide it up any way you want. If you want to give less to Ringo, that’s up to you – I’d rather not get involved. I’m sincere about this. If this helps you to reach a decision to reunite, it’s well worth the investment. You have agents – you know where I can be reached. Just think about it, okay? [ shows the check again ] Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Awards Sketch

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: And now, our final category! In the category of Best Performance By An Actor In A Political Campaign, the nominees are: Jimmy Carter, for his use of the term “ethnic purity”; Henry Jackson, for the most forgettable stance on any issue; Ronald Reagan, for not making any more movies; Gerald Ford, for shortening the nation’s attention span; George Wallace, for his undying devotion to civil rights; Morris Udall, for his clever choice of the name “Moe”; Hubert Humphrey, for his new, fresh, young idealism; Jerry Brown, for ring around the collar; and Edward M. Kennedy, for his form decision not to run – yet.

May I have the envelope, please? [ envelope is handed from off-stage ] Thank you. [ opens envelope ] And the winner is.. [ reading card, confused ] What is this, “Get to the fall, Chevy”? I don’t believe this.. uhh.. look, I wrote – excuse me. I wrote this piece, this is suposed to be the punchline to the piece – the punchline on the card. I’m a writer. I’m not just the guy who falls and does this newscaster, and, frankly, I’m hurt, and I don’t think it’s funny. And, um.. I’ mean, I’m a political satirist, not some guy who just falls for you guys around here – producer Lorne Michaels. And I’d like the correct card, in the correct envelope. You know, there’s a punchline to this sketch, I’d like the right tag, please, if you don’t mind. I’m sorry. I’ll wait.. I’ll wait. I’d like the right card. I’ll wait. Sorry to keep the country waiting. This is not my idea. I will wait for the envelope, for the punchline.

[ new envelope is handed to Chevy, he seizes it from the stagehand ]

And the winner is.. [ reads card ] “Don’t stretch this out, Chevy, get to the fall..” [ angry, crumples card ] That is it! I.. I’m.. I’m out of this, I’m walking.. [ starts to exit stage into the path of some folding chairs, then retreats back to re-address the audience ] I’ll tell you something.. I’ll tell you something! I am not just a physical comedian – television comedy – I.. I’m walking.. thank you, I’ve loved doing the show, you’re great people, thanks a great deal!

[ Chevy exits stage, stumbling over the folding chairs that were in his path, and falling down a short flight of stairs to the floor ]

“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18


]]>

Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 24th, 1976

Racquel Welch

Phoebe Snow

John Sebastian

The Muppets

Lorne Michaels

Michael O’Donoghue

Alan Zweibel
Awards SketchSummary: Chevy Chase is angered by a request to hurry through his well-written sketch to do the fall.

Transcript

Montage

Raquel Welch’s MonologueSummary: Racquel Welch and Joe Cocker (John Belushi) sing “Superstar.”

Recurring Characters: Joe Cocker.

Purina Rat ChowSummary: The Pied Piper (Chevy Chase) promotes Purina Rat Chow to a slum couple (Gilda Radner, Garrett Morris) who are concerned about the lack of rats in their apartment.

The DecabetSummary: Joseph Franklin (Dan Aykroyd) introduces the new metric alphabet.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Franklin.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: While flirting with Raquel Welch, Scred and Ploobis are told they’ve been fired from the show. Chevy Chase tries to convince Raquel to remove her shirt.

Transcript

Phoebe Snow performs “All Over”

The Claudine Longet InvitationalSummary: Sports footage showcasing skiers falling down alleges their accidentally being shot by Claudine Longet.

Transcript

Great Moments In Herstory

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman analyzes election results. Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) admits that Tom Snyder’s hair bothers her. John Belushi rants about the weather.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Bisexual Moment

John Sebastian performs “Welcome Back”Recurring Characters: Joe Cocker.

Beatles OfferSummary: Lorne Michaels offers a check for $3,000 for The Beatles to appear on SNL.

Note: According to legend, John Lennon and Paul McCartney were watching SNL together, and considered it might be fun to take Lorne Michaels up on his offer. Neil Levy was actually dispatched to the lobby in case any members of The Beatles did show up and weren’t recognized by the elderly security guard. Had any of The Beatles show up, Michaels said the joke would have entailed their not being able to play because union rules wouldn’t allow them to use studio equipment. Michaels ups the ante a few episodes later, and gag references would be made in later years when George Harrison and Paul McCartney appeared individually as musical guests.

Transcript

One Flew Over The Hornet’s NestSummary: Nurse Ratched (Raquel Welch) won’t let the Bees watch the Academy Awards on TV.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Gilda’s Equal Time

Gary Weis Film

Phoebe Snow performs “Two-Fisted Love”

Raquel Welch performs “Ain’t Necessarily So”

The MuppetsSummary: The Mighty Favog convinces Scred and Ploobis to pack it in and quit SNL.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Click here to buy Sale Posters!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Boyardee…..Ron Nessen
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Don’t be silly. I don’t care if you go out with him. Just don’t touch him there. [ he looks up to see the camera on him ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.

[ cut to pre-taped footage of President Gerald R. Ford ]

President Gerald R. Ford: Good evening. I’m Gerald Ford, and you’re not.

[ cut back to Chase, shaking his head ]

Chevy Chase: That late-breaking story, just out of Washington. Doctors say the President is almost completely over his identity crisis, but should continue the therapy daily.

In a related story, a reporter from Underachievers Weekly interviewed Gerald R. Ford the other day and asked him what the “R” stood for. The President replied, quickly, “That’s simple — the “R” is there to separate my first name from my last name.”

Funeral services for billionaire recluse Howard Hughes have taken place in Houston, Texas. Due to his complicated tax structure, Hughes was buried along with three Internal Revenue agents assigned to continue the IRS investigation. Rumors have been denied at the highest level that the billionaire has left a wake-up call for early July.

And it was disclosed late today that Hughes’ will has been discovered, and that, inexplicably, he left his entire estate to movie actor Warren Beatty.

Still battling over the connatations derived by the press over his use of the term “ethnic purity”, Jimmy Carter, today, denied that he was only referring to Arayan and Nordic neighborhoods. He says he is firing his speechwriter, Bernie Goebbels, at a campaign rally in Poland, Pennsylvania. The former governor appeared optimistic about the outcome of the next primary, saying, “Today, Poland; tomorrow, the world.”

Meanwhile, the candidate’s brother, Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, said he is ready to endorse his fraternal twin, and, as a show of good faith, will dye his head for Easter.

Doing his bit to aid the nation’s fuel shortage, President Ford, this morning, left the Andrews Air Force Base on foot.

Sen. Fred Harris, of Oklahoma, announced at a press conference last Thursday that he is ending his active campaign for the Democratic nomination. Aides complained that Harris had not received the same amount of news coverage as other candidates. Later, he was asked by the press who he was and what he wanted there.

Henry Jackson, today, insisted that he is not boring, and will continue to not be boring in the future. He is seen here demonstrating his charisma by holding a cabbage.

Well, in San Clemente, former President Nixon is hard at work writing his memoirs, to be published in 1977 in a two-volume set. In the first volume, he will tell the whole story, and, in the second volume, he will deny it.

Here is a just released photograph — taken the night before he resigned — of former President Nixon and his former dog, Tricky. After thinking about it for eighteen months, President Ford has issued a full pardon for the dog.

Chevy Chase: Well, the political shake-up in Spain continues, following the death earlier this year of Generallisimo Francisco Franco. For a live report, let’s go now to Madrid, and correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine standing with FRanco’s press secretary in front of a cathedral ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m standing with the press secretary to the late Generallisimo Francisco Franco, who has just had a press conference, in which he made what he considers to be an important statement. Mr. Boyardee?

Mr. Boyardee: Well, I have simply stated to the press, as I have in the past, that the Generallisimo’s condition is still very grave. BUT — and I would like to emphasize this — it is stable, at this time.

Laraine Newman: Mr. Boyardee, uh — Franco is dead, is he not?

Mr. Boyardee: Uh, yes. He is. Uh — but I didn’t say that he wasn’t dead. I just said he was stable.

Laraine Newman: Well, do you foresee any modification in his attitudes?

Mr. Boyardee: Uh, no. I, uh, don’t think there’s going to be any changes in his condition.

Laraine Newman: Mr. Press Secretary, I’ve noticed that you have no detectable accent.

Mr. Boyardee: Yes. Uh, that is correct. And neither does the Generallisimo.

Laraine Newman: I see. Back to you, Chevy.

[ return to Chase ]

Chevy Chase: Laraine Newman.

SLA member Emily Harris is reported to be in satisfactory condition in a California hospital, after suffering what doctors call a spontaneous pneumocerobrosis. Or, a collapsed brain.

Ronald Reagan said today that since Red Dye #2 is considered suspicious by the Federal Drug Administration — [ he stops ] Food & Drug Administration — he is willing to try regular coffee on his hair instead.

And, in sports, Honest Pleasure said Thursday that he feels strongly he’s an easy winner in the Kentucky Derby this year.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: Boy dynamites Easter Bunny, after this filmed message.

[ fade out to Up Against the Wallpaper, then fade back ]

Chevy Chase: California penal authorities have announced the release from prison of Charles Manson, saying that Manson is now completely rehabilitated, and is no threat to society unless society crosses his path.

“Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here, with an editiorial reply, is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I’ve been hearing about the 1976 presidential erection? Now, I know they erected a monument for Mr. Lincoln and President Washington, but that’s because they’re DEAD! Hopefully, the 1976 President won’t be DEAD! So he won’t NEED an erection! If Americans are going to spend money to erectanything, why don’t we tear down those nasty slums and erect luxury high rises for poor people and seniorcitizens! Not for presidents who can afford to pay for their OWN erections!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella —

Emily Litella: I can’t believe the way things are turning out in this country — what?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. That’s election. The editorial was about the presidential election, not the presidential erection. Election.

Emily Litella: Oh, that’s very different.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ smiling ] Never mind.

Chevy Chase: And that’s the news. Good night. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Click here to buy Sale Posters!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Ron Nessen
Mr. Peanut…..Garrett Morris

[ open on “Tomorrow” set ]

Tom Snyder: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. Our guest tonight is Mr. Ron Nessen, press secretary to the President of the United States. Now, for those of you who might not know what’s going on here, I’m just gonna explain what this thing is all about, give you some background information. Mr. Nessen is the press secretary to, uh, President Ford. Now, the other fellow was a guy who got in trouble with the Watergate thing. That whole thing blew up, and, well, we all know what happened there. That, uh — President Ford is a guy who stands a very good chance of being elected by due electoral process this coming year. And Ron is, of course, the second Ron in a row to hold that office in the White House. Ron Number Two, but, in fact, Number One now. How the heck are ya’, sir?

Ron Nessen: Fine. Thank you very much, Tom.

Tom Snyder: Uh — now, Ron, uh — you and I know that the White House is in Wadhington, and, of course, you work there, so you live there, I guess. Maybe you can — maybe you can throw some light on a subject that’s been, well, bugging me for some time now. What’s all this crazy business in Washington about taxis having no meters and customers having to pay according to districts instead of, you know, regular metered fare?

Ron Nessen: Uh — well, Tom, uh — I understand that there were meters in most of the taxis —

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir?

Ron Nessen: — up until the, uh, last days of the Nixon administration. President Nixon had them all removed, because, although he never took taxis himself, still, he felt they were overcharging.

Tom Snyder: Mmm-hmm. I see, sir. You know, as well as working here on this popular late-night program, I also do a minute of prime-time news every night on the network, and everyone knows this, of course. Uh — they work me hard here, I sometimes do local news. You know, I’m a workhorse here, I perform a lot of functions, and I’m in the news. But, even with that one minute of exposure every night, you know — [ he gasps ] sometimes I don’t know WHAT the heck’s going on, you know? How does a guy like you, who has to brief the press corps — how does a guy like you keep up with it?

Ron Nessen: Well, uh, I read, uh, the Village Voice every week… and I also know Dan Schorr personally.

Tom Snyder: I see. Okay. I’ll buy that. I’ll buy that. Uh, now, you know you hear a lot of stories in the press about, you know, these wild parties in Washington, and the stories, rumors, what have you, about the sex lives of presidents and all that stuff. Now, is there any truth — the whole Tidal Basin bomshell, is that such a big, darn ting, you know? Is there any truth about these wild parties and call girls in our nation’s capitol?

Ron Nessen: Tom — well, no. No, not as far as I know, definitely not. Now, of course, I speak mainly for myself —

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir.

Ron Nessen: — and, uh, you know, I — and as everyone in WAhington knows — President Ford, and the people at this White House, normally go to sleep at about nine o’clock every night. Uh — we usually have our milk and cookies at the Oval Office, and then, if we’ve been good, the President will read us two or three of his favorite ghost stories from “Grand Rapids’ Greatest Ghosts”. Then, when we go up to the White House dorm, and the President comes and tucks us all in. Now, if we’ve been extra good, then he’ll let us camp out in the Rose Garden with the tents and the sleeping bags and everything like that.

Tom Snyder: Mmm-hmm. [ excited ] So, there it is, everybody! You heard it, everybody! There it is! All the tales and rumors about that wild stuff in Washington is just a load of — of — [ daring himself to shock ] BULL!! I said it! I don’t care! I said it! BULL!! [ proudly ] I said it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha!

[ Nessen reaches an arm to control Snyder’s excitement ]

Tom Snyder: Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m gonna ask you a question now, sir, uh — Mr. Nessen — Ron — You’re out there, you know, every day fielding questions — and, I might say, sir, you do a VERY good job of it! Uh — what do you do, Ron, when somebody hands you a really DUMB question?

Ron Nessen: [ he rolls his eyes slightly ] Well, uh — well, usually, what I do is I just completely ignore them.

Tom Snyder: Just ignore them?

Ron Nessen: Yeah. [ he turns his head away ]

Tom Snyder: Just COMPLETELY ignore them? JUst… kinda… make them look like kinda — [ he catches on to what Nessen is doing, and begins to laugh at his own gullibility ] Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! [ he finally stops ] Thank you very much, Mr. Nessen, for being with us. [ he turns to the camera ] Our nexxt guest — of course, tomorrow, the whole show, we’re gonna deal with, uh, that, uh — [ he grinds his cigarette butt into an ashtray ] controversial, uh, homosexual, uh, breeder of, uh, reptiles, and, uh — also, he’s a fast food chain owner. But, uh, right now, I’m gonna bring out a very special guest we’ve got here with us tonight. This is, uh, Jimmy Carter’s campaign manager —

[ Nessen has since his left his seat, as a costumed Mr. Peanut enters the set and shakes Snyder’s hand ]

Tom Snyder: Hello. How are ya’? We’re very, very pleased to have you with us, sir, and, uh, we’re gonna be talking with him, but, uh, right now, let’s go to our Home Movie.

[ cut to Snyder’s teddy bear sitting on the floor in front of a fern with stufed bunnies surrounding him on the floor. The art card on the bear’s lap reads “Home Movie”. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Click here to buy movie posters!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Press Secretaries Through History

Leonid Pushnev…..Ron Nessen

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now: Leonid Pushnev, Press Secretary for Czarina Catherine the Great.

[ dissolve to Leonid Pushnev ]

Leonid Pushnev: Comrades to the Press… I have a tragic announcement to make. Catherine the Great, her Imperial highness, Queen of all Russia… Catherine the Great has been KILLED in a riding accident. We don’t really have any other details, except that she died in the saddle… and, from now on, wll be referred to as Catherine the Mashed. Thank you.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Click here to decorate your dorm!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

The New Army

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman…..John Belushi

[ open on The Army’s “We Want You” poster, with Captain Kirk’s head in place of Uncle Sam’s ]

[ pan down to Lt. Col. Scott Shuman with headphones on, playing air guitar in his chair ]

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman: Hi! I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman! Hi! Oh. [ he removes his headphones ] Oh, I’m sorry. Hi. I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman, with a word about today’s New Army. You know, today’s Army sure has gone through a lot of changes from when your old man was into it.

[ he notices a bag of marijuana on his desk, and promptly scrapes it away ]

Oh… I’m sorry.

[ he takes a final drag on a joint on his desk, then pushes it to the floor and continues ]

‘Cause now — now — it’s an all volunteer Army. I mean… you don’t have to be there, if you don’t want to. I mean, if you don’t want to… that’s cool. Uh, you have your own life to lead… you have stuff to do. But so do we. [ suggestively ] The BEST stuff an Army helicopter can carry in from all over the world!

And you know —

[ he jerks around, paranoid that someone is behind him ]

Uh — and you know, the New Army is the armed forces’ real high. If you get into things like air defense artillery, you get a personal set of heat-seeking laser weapons… plus, like, a whole bunch of missiles… radar trackers… anti-aircraft systems — all on WHEELS, maaaan! You can even be a paratrooper! And that’s the most fun you can have with your pants on. Believe me, I know, man!

So… [ he picks up his headphones and places them over his ears ] join today’s Army. Because… every burst of gunfire has all the colors in the rainbow.

[ he leans back in his chair, falling backward ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “The New Army. A Joint Venture That WAnts To Join You.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Ford/Nessen

President Gerald Ford…..Chevy Chase
…..Ron Nessen

[ open on interior, Oval Office ]

President Gerald Ford: [ calling out ] Ron?

Ron Nessen: [ looks confused for a moment ] Right here, sir.

President Gerald Ford: [ sits behind desk ] Ahh.. what can I do for you, Ron?

Ron Nessen: Sir, I’ve been asked to host “Saturday Night”.

President Gerald Ford: Host of what, Ron?

Ron Nessen: NBC’s “Saturday Night”. It’s a new television show.

President Gerald Ford: Did you sign a contract, Ron? If you signed a contract, they have to pay you.

Ron Nessen: Mr. President, before I sign a contract, I need your approval. You see, sometimes they poke a little fun at you on the show, it’s all in good fun. I think it would be a good idea to show that you can take a joke.

President Gerald Ford: Ha, ha! That’s very funny, Ron!

Ron Nessen: [ confused, pause ] And that’s why I want to host this show.. to demonstrate that this administration has a sense of humor. You may remember in 1968, Nixon said, “Sock it to me” on “Laugh-In”, and it may have made the difference in the election.

President Gerald Ford: He won, didn’t he, Ron?

Ron Nessen: Yes, he did, sir.

President Gerald Ford: [ chuckles to himself ] By golly, he was funny then, and he’s funny now. He’s a funny man, Ron.

Ron Nessen: Yes, sir.

President Gerald Ford: That’s why I gave him a break, Ron. [ to stuffed dog on floor ] Stop that infernal noise, Liberty! [ to Ron ] Well, by all means do the show.

Ron Nessen: Thank you, sir. Now, the producer suggested you might like to do something on the show yourself.

President Gerald Ford: Well, I can take a joke just so far.. [ stands up and walks behind desk ] ..but I won’t have this high office ridiculed. I won’t have me stumbling around.. [ walks into window ] ..making a fool of myself.. [ walks into flag and fumbles with it, trying to keep it from falling ] ..for some late night comedy show. [ picks up football helmet and puts it on ] I don’t need to prove that I can fall down like Chevy Chase or be an athlete. Everyone knows I’m an athlete. [ accidentally kicks wastepaper basket and chases it, soon giving up and returning to his desk ] I’ll never forget those wonderful days.. [ picks up tennis racket, throwd it in the air to try and catch it, but misses. Walks over to “Liberty”, cups his hand near the dog’s tail ] Gimme the ball, Liberty! [ takes off helmet, tries to drop-kick it but misses. Returns to desk and sits down ] Why don’t you brief me on my schedule tomorrow, Ron?

Ron Nessen: Alright, sir. [ looks at schedule ] You’ll be awakened at 5:30 AM in the usual manner.

President Gerald Ford: Ron, I’m getting pretty tired of the twenty-one gun salute which Dick Nixon instituted. Couldn’t someone just speak in my ear or set the alarm clock?

Ron Nessen: We tried the alarm clock at the beginning, if you remember, sir. When it went off, you answered the telephone and broke your ankle. I guess we should have briefed you on that. You see, sir, the telephone is the one that has the series of short staccato rings, and the alarm clock is the long continuous ring.

President Gerald Ford: Well, never mind that now, go on.

Ron Nessen: [ reading list, as Ford checks his own ] 6:17, shave and brush your teeth. 6:28, yawn and stretch. 6:30, get out of bed. 7:05, break the water glass by the sink and Mrs. Ford’s shampoo bottle by mistake. 7:12, tumble down the stairs. 9:00 – well, do you remember the cow in Wisconsin, Mr. President?

President Gerald Ford: The one that made the doody on my suit, Ron? Yes.

Ron Nessen: Yes, well, at 9:00 you’re going to give a medal to the secret service man who wrestled the cow to the ground.

President Gerald Ford: Let’s get to the point here. When is the Easter Egg Hunt?

Ron Nessen: That’s at 9:30, sir.

President Gerald Ford: Well, I better hang the kids’ stockings and get ready..

Ron Nessen: I’m sorry, Mr. President, but that’s the wrong holiday. I think we probably should have briefed you on this before.

President Gerald Ford: Oh, that’s alright, Ron, you’re pardoned. Ha, ha! Oh, one other thing. As you know, Liberty is expecting puppies. now, I’ve launched a full-scale investigation into this thing. You have nothing to do with it, do you, Ron?

Ron Nessen: No, sir.

President Gerald Ford: That’s good. I know it’s lonely at the top, but we can’t have this type of shenanigans going on here. Maybe I should call Daniel Schorr to see what he knows. [ picks up stapler instead of phone and staples his ear. Ron takes stapler away from him ] Thank you, Ron. Now, what can we tell the press about this mess Liberty has gotten us into?

Ron Nessen: Sir, we could call the puppies our “Ethnic Treasures”.

President Gerald Ford: A very good idea, Ron. I think I’ll write that down. [ starts writing on the back of his hand ]

Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you’re signing your hand again, sir.

President Gerald Ford: Well, I can always veto that later. So will you take care of those things for me, Ron?

Ron Nessen: [ gets up to exit ] Right away, Mr. President. And we did as you asked and hid John Connally’s Easter Egg under Rocky’s chair in the Executive Office Building. [ exits Oval Office ]

President Gerald Ford: [ looking around ] Ron? [ looks at stuffed dog ] Roll over, Liberty! [ dog falls over ]

[ pan out over audience, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Nude Easter Egg Roll” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Ron Nessen’s Monologue

…..Ron Nessen
NBC Page…..Neil Levy

President Gerald R. Ford: [ on tape ] Ladies and gentlemen… the Press Secretary to the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Home Base, as Ron Nessen runs down the steps ]

Ladies and gentlemen — Ron Nessen!

Ron Nessen: Uh, thank you very much. I guess, uh — I guess a lot of you are wondering why the presssecretary to the President is acting as the host on a live, late night comedy show. Well, actually, this is not very different from my daily press briefing at the White House. A lot of people probably don’t understand exactly what it is that a press secretary does. It’s my job to take complicated, high-level events… and take the jargon of politics and simplify it, and tell it to the press, who then pass it on to the public. And to do my job effectively, I’ve learned a few phrases that make this job easier. Phrases like: “What the President really said was…” Or: “What the President really meant was…” Or: “what the President really bumped into was…” [ the audience applauds ] Or: “What the President mispronounced was….” These are some phrases that I’ve, uh, used quite a lot on this job. I do have, I think, a good relationship with the President, and I usually know what he means even before he says it. It’s after he says it that I get in trouble. It is a rewarding job, as I’ve learned a lot about aspects of the government that I had never considered before, like, uh, how to remove a neck tie from a helicopter rotor blade — while he’s still wearing it. And, uh, how to take stairs a flight at a time. Things like that.

NBC Page: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Ziegler?

Ron Nessen: No, no — I’m Nessen.

NBC Page: Oh. I’m sorry. It’s the telephone for you, sir.

Ron Nessen: Oh?

NBC Page: It’s the White House.

Ron Nessen: Oh! He’s watching. [ he grabs the phone ] Hello…? Yes, Operator, I’ll accept the charges… [ a beat ] Yes, Mr. President. You’re watching the show…. and you heard the monologue… and you had it explained to you. [ pause ] Betty thinks it’s funny. Good. [ a beat ] I’m fired. [ he laughs ] I thought you said I’m fired. [ pause ] You said I’m fired. Oookay. Uh, thank you, Mr. President.[ Nessen hangs up the phone and hands it back to the NBC Page, who then exits the stage ]

Ron Nessen: Well… you see, the President said, “Ron, you’re fired.” Well, I think I know how his mind works, and I think I, uh, I think I understand what he really thinks of this show, and, uh, the things they do and the fun they make of him, and Chevy Chase and the other people who appear on it. So, I think when the President said, “Ron, you’re fired,” uh, what he really meant was, “Ron, you’re fired.” Good night, Mr. President. We’ll be right back after this message.

SNL Transcripts