For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 1
01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys
Goodnights
…..Reese Witherspoon
Reese Witherspoon: Thank you so much to Alicia Keys! And Mayor Rudolph Guiliani! Paul Simon! And the New York City fire Department – the EMS – the Police Department – and the Port Authority Police! Thank you so much to the cast, the cew and all the writers! And Lorne! It’s been an amazing week! You guys made me laugh, so thank you!
Carter in Cuba
Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Fidel Castro…..Will Ferrell
Translator…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, the Senate Agriculture Committee holds hearings on dairy price supports, or dairy subsidies, or something involving dairies. While at 2:40 a.m., Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan testifies before Congress about interest rates, and stuff like that. But first, this week, Former President Jimmy Carter made a historic visit to Cuba. Our C-SPAN cameras were there as he met with Cuban leader Fidel Castro.
Fidel Castro: (speaking Spanish the whole time, voice of Translator) On behalf of myself and the Cuban people, I welcome you to my country.
Jimmy Carter: Thank you. As the first U.S. President to come to Cuba since the Revolution, I hope my visit, and especially our joint address to the Cuban people can help open a dialogue between our two nations.
Fidel Castro: Forgive me, but I was trying to remember earlier: When exactly were you president?
Jimmy Carter: From 1977 to 1981.
Fidel Castro: Oh, when they took the hostages in Iran?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, that’s right.
Fidel Castro: And when you had the oil shortage?
Jimmy Carter: Yes.
Fidel Castro: With the rationing and the long lines for gasoline?
Jimmy Carter: Yes.
Fidel Castro: We have that here, too.
Jimmy Carter: Uh, huh.
Fidel Castro: People hate it.
Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes they do.
Fidel Castro: Remember stagflation?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes, sure.
Fidel Castro: Isn’t that what you are best known for, stagflation?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, I get that a lot. Now in tomorrow’s address…..
Fidel Castro: You never hear that word anymore, stagflation. What exactly is stagflation?
Jimmy Carter: Well, stagflation is a thankfully rare economic condition, characterized by stagnant or declining growth, extremely high interest rates, and runaway inflation.
Fidel Castro: Wow! Even we have never had stagflation.
Jimmy Carter: Well, fortunately it hasn’t hit the U.S. since, well….since the late 1970’s.
Fidel Castro: Weren’t you also attacked by a rabbit?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes I was. But, if you don’t mind, I’m anxious to talk about tomorrow’s speech.
Fidel Castro: How does someone get attacked by a rabbit?
Jimmy Carter: Well…
Fidel Castro: I can see being attacked by a dog, or a fox, or a hedgehog, a chicken can become quite angry, even a wired beak. But a rabbit! That’s crazy!
Jimmy Carter: It is quite rare.
Fidel Castro: Attacked by a rabbit! Wow! You couldn’t catch a break, could you?
Jimmy Carter: No, not too often.
Fidel Castro: Anyway, let’s talk about our televised address to the Cuban people.
Jimmy Carter: Yes, please, let’s do it.
Fidel Castro: It’s a live broadcast. I go on first, _________ and I will speak for about four and a half hours. Next, Elian Gonzalez will recite a poem denouncing his Miami relatives, which will run about 90 minutes. Followed by some….______. Then comes your speech, about five to seven minutes, then more ________. Then I wrap things up with about three hours of closing remarks.
Jimmy Carter: Alright, now, in my speech, I intend to bring up the issue of human rights in Cuba.
Fidel Castro: That’s alright. There are only five TV stations in the whole country. And two of them don’t have sound. So, go ahead and knock yourself out.
Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you. That all sounds good now, but if you’ll all excuse me, I should really go get some sleep.
Fidel Castro: You’re right. Tomorrow is an important day. So, good night, Jimmy. But first, I leave you with one thought: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 4
Ashcroft’s Press Conference
Brian Williams…..Seth Meyers
John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #2…..Dean Edwards
Dr. Anthony Fauci…..Chris Kattan
Brian Williams: Good evening. I’m Brian Williams. We’re just seconds away from a briefing by Attorney General John Ashcroft, who will address the growing concern of terrorism here at home.
[ cut to White House press conference ]
John Ashcroft: Good evening. These are, indeed, complicated times for a great nation. But tonight, the United States Justice Department simply wishes to say: get on with your lives. Do whatever you would normally do. Also, in the next three days, there’s probably gonna be a terrorist attack on our country. [ acknowledges Reporter #1 ] Yes? Question?
Reporter #1: You said there’s gonna be a terrorist attack soon? Can you give us any more details?
John Ashcroft: Well, first of all, I didn’t say there was gonna be an attack. I said probably!
Reporter #1: How probably?
John Ashcroft: Look, numbers aren’t gonna make people feel any better. I could say there’s a 1% chance, or 2%, or.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..96.7%. I don’t know! It doesn’t matter! Let’s just do what the President said. Let’s return to our normal lives, continue to do all the things you would normally do, with confidence, with vigilence, and with the knowledge that sometime very soon, or maybe in the future, there’s gonna be a horrible terrorist attack! [ acknowledges Reporter #2 ] Yes?
Reporter #2: Helen Thomas. Can you tell us what the target of the attack will be, or when it will occur?
John Ashcroft: No, I cannot tell you, because we don’t have any idea. Again, let me say this: if we let the terrorists make us afraid of their imminent attacks, attacks that’ll probably happen tomorrow, or maybe in three weeks.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..or later today.. then we just let them win. Just live your lives, just do what you would normally do. See a movie, go to a park, go to the gas mask store.. you know, stockpile canned goods and antibiotics, the types of things you do every day! [ acknowledges Reporter #3 ] Yes, yes?
Reporter #3: Is this warning more or less severe than the last warning on Octover 11th?
John Ashcroft: More?
Reporter #3: You don’t seem sure.
John Ashcroft: Look, if I said, “Yes, this is definitely, absolutely, way, way more serious than the last one,” would that make you feel better?
Reporter #3: No.
John Ashcroft: Well, there ya go! Look, everyone, please, go back to your normalcy, live your lives, just relax. And now, here with an update on the vicious, seemingly unstoppable anthrax scourge, from the National Institute of Health, is Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thank you. I’d like to reassure the American public by saying this: we have cleaned the State Department, the White House, the Supreme Court and the Capitol Building with state-of-the-art decontamination instruments, and have installed dozens of $20 million irradiation lasers to keep all dangerous substances away from the U.S. government. [ acknoledges Reporter #1 ] Yes?
Reporter #1: What about the post offices?
Dr. Anthony Fauci: We’ve given each post office some Baby Wipes and a dustbuster.
Reporter #1: But what about the contaminated buildings in New York? Are they safe?
Dr. Anthony Fauci: I don’t know, lady! I haven’t been to New York in weeks! Do you think I’m crazy?!
[ Fauci and Ashcroft laugh at Reporter #1 ]
John Ashcroft: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re out of time, so, in conclusion, I’d like to say again: live your lives as normal, and just be strong, and just be vigilent, just be confident, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Botox
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Winona Ryder
…..Amy Poehler
Ana Gasteyer: I deserve a younger me..
Voiceover: Botox.
Maya Rudolph: I’m not ready to lose my.. “wow”!
Voiceover: Botox.
Winona Ryder: I want a paralyzed face, but I’m too young for a stroke.
Voiceover: Botox.
Ana Gasteyer: It gently smoothes away wrinkles the natural way.
Amy Poehler: By crippling the nervous tissue in your face.
Maya Rudolph: With a diluted strain of deadly bacteria.
Voiceover: Deadly bacteria.
Winona Ryder: It’s like a little stroke you shoot into your head with a needle. I like that.
Maya Rudolph: If someone told you all you had to do to get younger-looking skin was to inject a syringe full of military-grade neurotoxin into your face every three weeks.. wouldn’t you do it?
Ana Gasteyer: Of course, you would! [ needle is inserted into her forehead ]
Amy Poehler: Poison to the face – why didn’t they think of this before? [ chuckles with delight as needle is injected into her forehead ]
Maya Rudolph: Botox. It’s not just for ethnic cleansing any more. [ needles are injected into her forehead and chin ]
Voiceover: Botox. Ask your doctor.
[ four women are seen drooling at the mouth from the poison injections ]
Winona Ryder: [ mumbling ] Botox. A younger-looking you is just a needle full of poison to the face away.
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Lynn Cheney…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on exterior, mountain area ]
[ SUPER: “An Undisclosed Location” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Vice-Presidnet Dick Cheney seated at desk ]
Lynn Cheney: Dick, it’s late. It’s late, and it’s Christmas Eve. Come to bed, we’ve got a big day tomorrow.
Dick Cheney: I want to finish up some up this paperwork. Besides, no one’s going to visit us tomorrow, because they don’t now where we are.
Lynn Cheney: You’re a good man, Dick.
Dick Cheney: I try.
Lynn Cheney: Good night.
Dick Cheney: Good night, sugar. [ she exits ] Boy, what a year. Who could have foreseen this year, these things in store for us? Who could have foreseen the challenges that we’re now facing as a nation? [ holds up snowglobe ] how ya doing, buddy? Oh, we’ve seen a lot of Christmas together, the good and the bad. Remember that time I talked my buddy into sticking his tongue into that frozen mailbox? George was there so long that we almost missed the inauguration. Yeah. Looking at you, Tiny Tim, Ebenezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim’s mom, his dad.. I yearn for the simpler days. I know you can’t make it all go away, Snow Globe, but I know that your simple tone will always give me a few minutes of peace and joy. Thanks, Snow Globe. Thanks a lot.
[ camera zooms in on the snowglobe, whose characters bear suspicious resemblance to Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan ]
[ suddenly, Horatio, Jimmy, Chris and Tracy come alive, breaking into their familiar Christmas ditty ]Horatio Sanz: One…
[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]
Horatio Sanz: One…
Jimmy Fallon: Two…
Horatio Sanz: One-
Jimmy Fallon: Two-
Horatio Sanz: Three-
Jimmy Fallon: Four!
[ they start playing ]
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says-
Christmas is coming fast!”
Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what your poppa says-“
Horatio Sanz: “Christmas is gonna be a super bla-ast.
I don’t care if you think it’s cool-
You’d better get ready for a sweet-ass yule!
I don’t care what the papers say-
Christmas is number one.“
Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care about your grandma’s lies-
Christmastime equals fun-“
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care if you think I’m a goof-
I want to hear Santa landing on my roof.”
Horatio and Jimmy: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”
[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
My Big Thick Novel
Jack Handy V/O:
Chapter 917.
“As I popped off my helmet, I let out a sigh; at least, that’s what I told the martians it was.”
Bearologist
Dr. Matthews…..Will Ferrell
Kenneth…..Jimmy Fallon
Heidi…..Winona Ryder
Mrs. Matthews…..Ana Gasteyer
Cop…..Darrell Hammond
Bear/Curtis Matthews…..Seth Meyers
[ open on exterior, Itex Research Labortories ]
[ dissolve to interior, Bear Research Lab ]
Dr. Matthews: Good work today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: Thanks a lot, Dr. Matthews! Bye, Miss Larson!
Heidi: Good night, Kenneth!
Dr. Matthews: Good night, Kenneth.
[ Kenneth exits; Heidi embraces Dr. Matthews ]
Heidi: I’ve been wanting to touch you all day!
Dr. Matthews: Me, too. But we have to be careful – my wife will find out.
Heidi: Oh. Why don’t you just divorce her?
Dr. Matthews: I told you, I can’t! It’s her money that keeps me able to do my valuable research with bears!
Heidi: I don’t care!
Dr. Matthews: Heidi.. you know how I feel about my bear research.
Heidi: I know how important your bear research is for you – and the fight against the terrorists. But i’m tired of your wife preventing us from being together!
Dr. Matthews: But what can I do?
Heidi: Kill her.
[ music sting ]
Heidi: You take this gun, and shoot her!
Dr. Matthews: But we’ll get caught!
Heidi: Well, you just say that you thought she was a rival bearologist coming to steal your valuable bear data!
Dr. Matthews: I’ve told you a million times that won’t work! [ thinking ] Wait a minute, wait a minute.. I could let the bear out of his cage, and then he could maul her.
Heidi: Perfect!
Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce! Are you in here?
Dr. Matthews: Aw, there’s my wife now. We’ll be safe over here!
Heidi: Okay!
[ they cower into the corner of the lab ]
Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce Matthews! Where are you?
Dr. Matthews: Uh.. Blanche, I’m in here, in my bear research lab!
[ Mrs. Matthews enters in neck brace, with a tray of tiny sandwiches ]
Mrs. Matthews: Bruce? Bruce? I brought some of these tiny sandwiches that you love!
[ Dr. Matthews thrusts open the bear cage ]
Dr. Matthews: Mr. Sticks! KILL her!
[ Bear runs out of cage, picks up gun from table, and shoots Mrs. Matthews to death. Bear then runs back into cage and tosses the smoking gun into Dr. Matthew’s hands, as his cage shuts close. ]
Dr. Matthews: [ panicking at the turn of events ] No! Wait! No! NO!! WAIT!!
Heidi: This is wonderful!
Dr. Matthews: No, it’s NOT!! He SHOT her! MAN!! He was supposed to MAUL her!! MAN!!
Heidi: How did you teach a bear to use a gun!
Dr. Matthews: I DIDN’T! He watches FAR too much TV!! BAD BEAR!! VERY BAD BEAR!!
[ Bear shrugs in cage ]
Heidi: Don’t yell at him!
Dr. Matthews: He shot her!
Heidi: And?
Dr. Matthews: Don’t you get it?! The cops are gonna blame me for this!
Heidi: Why? Just tell them what happened.
Dr. Matthews: What? That a bear picked up a firearm and killed my rich wife?! They’ll never believe it.
Heidi: They will. Work it out, you’ll see.
Dr. Matthews: I’ve gotta stay calm..
Heidi: Stay calm.
Dr. Matthews: Luckily, no one heard the shots..
[ Kenneth runs into the lab ]
Kenneth: Dr. Matthews! I heard shots! [ spots the body on the ground ] Oh, my God!! Mrs. Matthews!!
Dr. Matthews: Yes.. my wife has been shot.. but, before you do anything —
Kenneth: I called the cops!
[ music sting ]
Dr. Matthews: No!
[ Cop enters ]
Cop: Alright, what’s going on here? [ spots the body ] Mrs. Matthews?! Murdered?!
Dr. Matthews: Now, Officer, it’s not what it looks like!
Cop: Let me guess – the bear shot her.
Dr. Matthews: [ surprised at the guess ] Yes! That’s what happened!
Cop: I’m not falling for that again!
Dr. Matthews: Look! Heidi saw what happened!
Cop: You two are probably having an affair!
Heidi: [ weeping ] No, we’re not.. Dr. Matthews shot her.. and said he’d shoot me if I told anyone..
Dr. Matthews: She’s lying! I swear! A TV-watching bear killed my wife!!
Cop: Let’s go, pal!
Dr. Matthews: Again! Twenty years of bear research, and I’m baffled!
[ cop drags Dr. Matthews out of the lab ]
Heidi: [ opens bear cage ] Great job, Mr. Sticks! Your plan worked perfectly!
Curtis Matthews: [ removes bear head from costume ] Yes! The plan worked perfectly! I can’t believe my brother thought I was a bear! I don’t even look like a bear!
Heidi: [ cackling with glee ] And now the Matthews fortune is ours!
Curtis Matthews: Fourteen years in a bear suit finally paid off!
Heidi: Curtis Matthews, you’re a genius!!
[ they both laugh viciously ]
[ fade ]
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Well, all in all a pretty hilarious news week, huh? A lot of very funny news this week.
First of all the Bush administraton released the newest Osama bin Laden tape, which, if you haven’t seen it, it’s like a cross between a boring wedding video and every nightmare you’ve ever had. It’s on video, rent that one.
Israel and Palestine are getting worse and worse every day. These people hate each other so much that they are fighting over a piece of land the size of a Wendy’s. The’re fighting over a piece of land so small, they could only have an above-ground pool on it. piece of dirt so little, that if you found it inyor salad, you wouldn’t even send it back. It’s crazy.
And then on Wednesday, George Bush pulled out of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Policy, a decision Russia is calling a “big mistake”. But it’s not a mistake – we’ve got that cool missile defense system, that thing’s ready to go, right? No? It’s not? They haven’t invented it yet? Oh, they could never do it, it’s impossible? Oh, great.
Then, they find more anthrax in Washington, in a place they had already “de-thraxed.” Guess they’re not as good as cleaning out the “thrax” as they thought they were! Good thing we never found any anthrax in this building… oh wait, we totally did!
So anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Good night! [ lays head down on newsdesk ] Back to you, Jimmy.
American Express announced that it’s cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, “Priceless.”
NBC will become the first broadcast television network to accept commercials for hard liquor in over 50 years. Not to be outdone, Fox is now showing ads for crack.
Tina Fey: With security tightened at U.S. airports, many travelers say that security patdowns are too initmate and intrusive, and are going too far, even among flight crews. One stewaress reported that, while being given a patdown, the hand of the female securrity guard cupped her breast, then lingered there before slowly moving down to explore her hard, taut belly. She became flushed as the woman’s hot breath filled her ear, while she slipped her other hand under her skirt, meandering up her thigh, until she found what she had been looking –
[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic ]
[ cut back to Tina leaning back in her chair, and Jimmy pretending to smoke a pencil like a post-coital cigarette ]
Jimmy Fallon: Wow, that was a great joke… [ motions to touch Tina’s shoulder ]
Tina Fey: Don’t touch me!
Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introduction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named “Best New Sedizun of the Yizun” by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin.
One of Osama bin Laden’s estranged wives is claiming that, rather than be captured, bin Laden has always planned to kill himself on television. “Of course,” she added, “he’s also been telling me he’s gonna put up that ceiling fan in our cave for, like, two years, so I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Playboy has launched a line of men’s underwear and loungwear, ranging from silk Hefner pajamas to glow in the dark shorts. The lines expected to be a big seller among guidos.Tina Fey: Here now, with ideas for romantic holiday gifts, is our own Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Tina! You are looking good, as always. We will talk about that at the party, because you make my heart beat, girl!
So, now is the time to buy Christmas presents for your wife, and you don’t have to spend a lot of money to show you care. Like, here’s one idea – make up a little coupon book with things like “Good for one free back rub”. I gave one to my eife last year. It had coupons like a “Come Home Now” card, which means anytime, day or night, she could call me wherever I was, and I would leave the strip club immediately and come home right away, or at least in a few hours.
I also gave her a coupon for a fancy romantic dinner. Now, you may ask do I consider spicy buffalo wings at the dog track a fancy dinner? Yes, I do!
Tina Fey: Tracy, your wife might like it if you bought her something from an actual store.
Tracy Morgan: Well, Tina, there’s always the classics, like a nice pair of Isotoner gloves, or a Toni Morrison book, or a bag of weed. Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving. But dudes that really want to make Christmas romantic, here’s what you do – you go, you find yourself a nice Victoria’s Secret store, you buy some dirty-looking thongs and slide it under the tree, and tell her you can’t wait to see her in it. Because it’s all about making her think that when you two are doing it that you’re actually thinking about her. Now, we all know that you ain’t. You’re thinking about Toni Braxton or Jada Pinkett, or, in my case, the chubby red-headed girl that works in the NBC store downstairs. You know who you are, girl – you’re thick, you’re thick, you’re thick! [ growls ]
Now, I don’t feel bad about saying all this about my wife, because she sure as hell ain’t thinking about me. How do I know? ‘Cause my name ain’t Denzel! Merry Christmas, everyone!
Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody.
Ingless, Florida Mayor Caroline Ricsher made headlines last week when she officially banned Satan from her town. So with a tear in his eye, Satan packed his bags and left, vowing one day to return to Florida – for your souls!
It was reported that Bryant Gumbel and his girlfriend Hillary Quinnlynn got engaged last week. The couple are planning a white wedding – very, very white.
Jimmy Fallon: Monday marks the star-studded premiere of “The Lord of the Rings” starring Elijah Wood as Frido and Ian McKellen as Randolph.
Tina Fey: Wait, I think you mean Frodo and Gandalf –
Jimmy Fallon: Nerd Alert! Nerd!!
A scientist for the Wildlife Preservation Society is the first person to ever discover homosexual behavior in wild orangutans. When asked exactly how he discovered homosexual behavior, the scientist got really quiet.
Gary Busey was arrested for alleged abuse after his ex-wife Tiani complained the actor had abused her. To be fair, Busey had warned her not to sit so close to his enormous teeth on Steak Night.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is the last live show in 2001.
Tina Fey: That’s right, and on December 31st, at midnight, we will not only say goodbye to 2001, we will also say goodbye to our mayor. Ladies and gentlemen, his Honor, Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you very much!
Tina Fey: Now, Mr. Mayor, when your term ends on December 31st, you’ll be leaving City Hall, which raises the question – do you have to? Do you have to leave?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Yes, Tina, I have to.
Jimmy Fallon: Where are you going? Can we come with you?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No, Jimmy, you can’t go with me. Where I’m going is a lonely frontier of risk and solitude. A place no man has ever before dared to go. It’s not a place for tender beginners like you.
Jimmy Fallon: I thought you were going to be a consultant or something.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Whatever. You can’t come with me.
Jimmy Fallon: Understood. Well, we’d like to send you off with a little play we wrote. Tina will be playing the role of New York City, and I will be playing the role of you. [ places strip of costume hair across his head ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: How’s that look like me?
Jimmy Fallon: That’s your combover! [ starts to sing ]
“Tonight, you’re mine, completely
You gave your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?”
Tina Fey:
“Tonight, with words unspoken
You say that I’m the only one.”
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani:
“But will my heart be broken?
When the night meets the morning sun?”
Tina Fey:
“I’d like to know that your love
Is a love I can be sure of.”
All:
“So tell me now, and I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?”
Tina Fey: Will we still love you tomorrow? We’ll see.
Jimmy Fallon: We’re New Yorkers, what do you expect?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: From New Yorkers, I expect nothing less.
Tina Fey: And we, as New Yorkers, want to thank you for holding us together in the hardest time we’ve ever known.
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: And I’m Rudy Guiliani. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
Ellen Degeneres’ Monologue
…..Ellen Degeneres
Ellen Degeneres: Wow, thank you very much! This is very exciting, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. It’s my first time, and it’s an honor and a thrill. And I love New York. This is exciting to be in New York. And I really do, you know? There are a lot of people who say it, but they don’t actually mean it. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. She said it, but I don’t buy it. You know, she’s gone as far as to get an apartment here – “Oh, I live here!” I don’t have an apartment here, you know? And I very rarely come here, so I mean it, I really do love New York.
And I love that I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I love a lot of the cast members, they’re fantastic. you know, some are not, but a lot of them are really good, so it’s really great to be here. They’ve been so nice to me all week long. Well, of course they have to be nice to me – I’m the host. Also, I go and tell the press that they’re homophobic, so they have to be nice.
But that’s another thing I should probably tell you – I’m not gay. I’ll tell you what happened – I was at a party, it doesn’t matter whose house it was, but.. alright, it was Mario van Peebles’ house. So, anyway, I’m with a whole bunch of people hanging out at the above ground pool, just a bunch of people, names are not important. Anyway, everyone’s telling stories, and everybody’s trying to top each other.. so LeVar Burton says he just went to Cancun. And then Gary Busey says, “I just got a mini-fridge.” And, if that’s not making me feel bad enough, then Kathy Griffin says, “I’m gonna start parting my hair down the side instead of in the middle.” You know, where do I go, what do I do to top that? So I said, “I’m gay.” And that shut them up.
But then the press got a hold of that and just went nuts with it and everything, and I thought I should just run with it, free publicity, it’s gonna be wonderful for my career. So I have to take a moment right now, though, and thank my wonderful husband Jerry. He’s been so supportive, staying home and keeping the house nice, while I’m out gaying it up, fruiting up the town, $3 billing it, throwing the old wet frisbee, winking at the pastor, all the things gays do. Anyway, he’s not complaining, he’s at home with a brand new ping-pong table and George Foreman Grill. So, God bless you, Jerry, it really takes a special man to put up with that.
Actually, it’s worked out pretty well for me, you know? One thing I’ve learned is, if you want to be America’s sweetheart, tell them you’re gay. It’s actually been fantastic, because people expect it from me, so I guess I’m gonna stick with it for a while – as opposed to other people.
We have a great show. No Doubt is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
Will Ferrell Farewell
…..Main Cast of “Saturday Night Live”
Ana Gasteyer: I worked with Will for six years, and it was more fun than anything I’ve ever done or will probably ever do. He brought joy to everyone and everything he did. I’m going to miss him.
[ dissolve to Jimmy Fallon ]
Jimmy Fallon: It was hard for me to work with Will because every time I was in a sketch with him, he made me laugh. I probably ruined a lot of sketches, but I don’t care – I got to be on stage with Will Ferrell.
[ dissolve to Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch ]
Maya Rudolph: Performing can be scary, especially in front of a live audience. It’s a lot easier when you have a friend out there with you.
Rachel Dratch: Will Ferrell was our friend, and we’ll miss him.
[ dissolve to Darrell Hammond ]
Darrell Hammond: I loved Will Ferrell, plain and simple. I came into this place with him, and I loved being on stage with him. I’ve never worked with a more talented and kinder human being – ever.
[ dissolve to Horatio Sanz ]
Horatio Sanz: He’s the best. Uh, there will never be another Will Ferrell. There’ll be a lot of imitations, but.. um.. anyone who was around him, who was lucky enough to work with him, we know. They broke the mold with that guy.
[ dissolve to Chris Parnell ]
Chris Parnell: True story: this show fired me. Then they rehired me. First time that ever happened. Will Ferrell made that happen. How can I ever repay that? He was more than a great performer. He was my friend.
[ dissolve to Tina Fey ]
Tina Fey: I loved watching Will in a bad sketch, one that didn’t get any laughs, because he never gave up. He was the most fearless performer I’ve ever seen.
[ dissolve to Chris Kattan ]
Chris Kattan: Will’s like a brother to me. I love him, I really do. And not just because I worked with him on the show every week, and we made a movie together – those are the things I’ll cherish the rest of my life – but because he’s nice, he’s funny, and he’s my friend.
[ dissolve to Tracy Morgan ]
Tracy Morgan: [ in a different tone from the others ] I got a story! I got a interesting story about the time Will Ferrell stole my Walkman out my dressing room. He doesn’t know I know, but I know! I know a lot of stuff about Will Ferrell. Like the fact that he’s a cold, thievin’, selfish, evil dude! And don’t be thinkin’ he helped save Chris Parnell’s job, ’cause everybody around here knows he actually got Parnell fired, and tried to get his brother Patty Ferrell on the show! He smiles right up to your face, and two seconds later he go and talk behind you back to Lorne Michaels!
Here’s something – he gave a cigarette to my kid, my boy, my eight-year-old boy! That ain’t right! Will is messed up in the head! He’s cheatin’ on his wife, he’s always lookin’ to get his freak on. It’s sick! And I tell you something else – this may come as a little shock to you, but Will Ferrell hates the black man! He always has! From the moment I walked in this place, he’s been eyeing me like I’m suspicious or something! I know it! He’s not comfortable with black people, uh-uh, that’s because he’s a racist! Will Ferrell is headed for a huge fall! You’ll see! The backlash is coming, baby! It’s coming! People are gonna find out Will Ferrell is a loser!
[ Will Ferrell enters the scene ]
Will Ferrell: Tracy, Tracy..
Tracy Morgan: [ turns, changes attitude ] Heyyyy, Will.
Will Ferrell: What was that all about?
Tracy Morgan: Ain’t nothing, baby. Um.. everybody just decided to tell their stories and stuff, you know?
Will Ferrell: You mad at me about something?
Tracy Morgan: I.. I just don’t want you to go, bro’.
Will Ferrell: You know what? I.. I did steal your Walkman.
Tracy Morgan: I knew it.
Will Ferrell: And I do hate black people.
Tracy Morgan: Hey, no need to explain. How about after the show we, uh, skip the party and go straight on to the strip club. Larry and Chuckie and them is up there waiting on us.
Will Ferrell: I like the way you think.
Tracy Morgan: For a black man?
Will Ferrell: For my friend.
[ Tracy kisses Will’s cheek as they exit the scene ]
