Month: October 2018

Poker Billy

Spaniard…..Rob Schneider
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows
Dapper Gentleman…..Mike Myers
Dealer…..Phil Hartman
Poker Billy…..Emilio Estevez
Guitarist…..Michael McKean
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Drunk…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ]

[ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]

Spaniard: I fold!

Black Guy: I’m out.

Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!

Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?

Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]

Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!

Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.

Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]

Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!

Poker Billy: Really?

Dealer: Yes.

Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?

Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Poker Billy was a gambler
Poker was his game.
He never figured out the rules
But he loved it just the same.
Now, sometimes Bill got lucky
As morons often do.
But luck don’t make a difference
When you havn’t got a clue.”

[ pan back to the card game, table now back on its legs ]

Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?

Black GuyI’ll take two.

Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.

Spaniard: Three, por favor.

Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?

Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!

[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]

Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!

Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?

Poker Billy: You holdin’ out on me? I said eight!

Dapper Gentleman: Uh, listen, Billy.. in Five Card Draw, you-you can’t have eight cards. It’s sort of a Five Card Draw tradition, you see.

Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]

Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Now, ignoramus is a word
That’s often overused.
But in the case of Poker Billy
I think you’d be excused.”

Bartender: “Special classes –“

Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”

Bartender: “Special teachers –“

Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”

Bartender: “Special doctors –“

Guitarist:
“– Shook their heads
and Billy’s parents ran away.”

[ pan back to the card game, table back on its legs again ]

Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?

Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.

Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]

Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!

Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.

Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!

Spaniard: Here we go!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ]

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Bartender: [ singing ]
“I’d like to emphasize a point
we’re making it this song.
Even though it’s very clear
We’ve gone on way too long.
Say he’s stupid.”

Guitarist: “Now, you got it!”

Bartender: “Not a genius.”

Guitarist: “Not at all!”

Bartender: “Lobotomy.”

Guitarist: “I wouldn’t doubt it!”

Drunk: “I think his brain is very small – yahoo!”

[ pan back to Poker Billy, talking with Jenny ]

Poker Billy: Jenny?

Jenny: Mmm-hmm?

Poker Billy: Who do you like better, me or Texas Jim?

Jenny: Why, Billy, you’re my ace of spades, and Texas Jim’s just a thre of clubs! [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: What exactly are you sayin’?

Jenny: Well, Billy, you’re my royal flush, and he’s just a pair of deuces. [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: I still don’t get it, Jenny, help me out here.

Jenny: Bily, listen carefully: I love you with all my heart! You could say I’m your Queen of Hearts! Get it!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ reaches over to overturn the table ]

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: “He’s very stupid.”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Not too bright!”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Stupid, stupid!”

Together:
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
He’s the stupidest guy who ever played the gaaaaame!!”

[ Poker Billy ambles over ]

Poker Billy: Come back soon, Poker Billy!

Guitarist: That’s you, Billy.

Poker Billy: Oh, yeah.. right.

[ pan out and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Emilio Estevez’s Monologue

…..Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez: Thank you. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s been a great week, I’ve got a new movie out – “The Mighty Ducks 2”!

[ audience applauds ]

Thank you very much. You know, a lot of people still remember me from my earlier work. Uh, I hate to use the term, and as much as I’ve tried to forget it – I used to be a member of the Brat Pack.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Do you remember “The Breakast Club”, “St. Elmo’s Fire”? Teen angst, blah blah blah blah blah! Well, a lot of people always ask me what happened to the Brat Pack, so I figured I’d catch you up.

Now, of course, everyone knows what happened to Rob Lowe in the last few years. That’s right, he was in “Wayne’s World”. But did you know that Ally Sheedy had 17 kids, each with a different husband? She lives in San Diego now.

And Molly Ringwold, or, should I say, Mr. Marvin Ringwold? That’s right, Molly had a sex-change operation. But she — he — still has the loveliest red hair.

And, uh.. let’s see, who else, uh.. Judd Nelson! He disappeared six years ago. We’re not sure what happened to him.

Uh.. Anthony Michael Hall. In jail.

Andrew McCarthy. Also jail.

And Demi Moore. She married some guy – in jail.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Pearl Jam’s here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler
…..Emilio Estevez

Announcer: If you’re thinking of going away this summer, why not let the Herlihy Boy take care of your grandmother? Out of an estimated 5 grandmother sitting services in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe camera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me drive your grandmother to the store. Please? Let me drive her to the store. She can’t drive a car. She wants to go to the store. Why not let me drive her there?

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy drive your grandmother to the store!! That’s all!! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’ve you been? Oh, that’s nice. Let me comb your grandmother’s hair. Please let me comb her hair? Her hair gets so knotty and messy. A good combing could fix that. And I could give her that combing. I’ll make her look real proper like. Please? Let me comb her hair.

Mr. O’Malley: [ pleading loudly ] Let the boy comb your grandma’s hair! Hair is in the dear woman’s eye, she can’t see her grandchildren! Let him comb it back! Dear Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’s thing? Oh, yeah, you did? That’s great! Let me give your grandmother a abth. Please? You know she needs a bath. Why not let me give her one? I swear, I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’ll just scrub her back with a big sponge. I won’t scrub her front. That’s a promise. Unless she asks me to. Please, let me give your grandmother a bath.

Mr. O’Malley: [ outraged ] Sweet jumping MARY AND JOSEPH!! Let the boy give the old lady a BATH!! You knowq she’d give HERSELF a bath if she could!! But she CAN’T!! So let the boy DOP IT!! You think she LIKES smelling that way?!! For GOD’S SAKES, have some COMPASSION!! Good.. Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. Let me shave your grandmother’s beard. Please? You can see all those granny hairs coming out of there. You know that’s not right. Come on. She didn’t live 83 years to end up with a beard. Please. Let me shave it off.

Mr. O’Malley: [ more outraged ] For the LOVE of GOD!!Let the boy — [ stops mid-pose, turns to Herlihy Boy ] I just gotta say one thing before I go on.

Herlihy Boy: Yeah?

Mr. O’Malley: If you shave the woman’s beard off, it’s just gonna grow back in two weeks’ time. Doubly as thick. Whereas, if you wax the beard, you got at least three, four months before the next sprouting! Might be something to think about!

Herlihy Boy: Okay. Wax, wax.

Mr. O’Malley: That’s using your head, son. [ returns to his stance ] Let the boy WAX your grandmother’s BEARD!! Is that beard doing anybody any good at all?!! Dear Lord!! All it’s doing is making everybody SICK!! GET RID OF IT!!!

[ Emilio Estevez steps forward ]

Emilio Estevez: Hello. I’m Emilio Estevez. Look, the beard’s gotta go. I haven’t even seen your grandmother, but I’ve got a visual going on in my head, and I swear to God I’m about to yak! So, lose the beard. Seriously.

Mr. O’Malley: This Emilio kid makes a good point. Everybody’s stomach is queasy just thinking about the old woman’s beard! While we’re standing here yapping about it, the beard continues to grow! So, just let the boy wax it! Edn of story! [ rambles incoherently ]

Herlihy Boy: Let me marry your grandmother. Please. I’ll make a good husband. Come on. I’ve already seen her naked in the tub. So why not let me marry her? That’ll make me your grandfather. I’ll pull a quarter out of your ear and give you butterscotch candy. Please? This is your grandpa talking. Let me marry your grandmother.

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy marry your grandma! Who cares what people think?! Age difference, schmage difference!! Lordy bagordy! Just let love take its course! And give this marriage your blessing!! Is anybody listening?!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg. My grandmother-sitting track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley and Emilio Estevez reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service. He loves your grandmother because he is your grandmother. I don’t know what that means.

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez: Thank you for joining us! Hope you enjoyed the show! Special thanks to Eddie and Pearl Jam!

[ Eddie Vedder opens his jacket to place his palm on a “K” on his t-shirt over his heart, in tribute to the recent suicide of Kurt Cobain ]

[ the crowd cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz

Sean Denny…..Mike Myers
Billy Westman…..Rob Schneider
Serena Williams…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mark Hirschfeld…..Adam Sandler
Eric Thompson…..Tim Meadows
Stevie Sisken…..David Spade
Doreen Farvin…..Melanie Hutsell
Nick Russell…..Emilio Estevez

[open on electric sign: “Geek Dweeb or Spazz”]

Announcer: It’s time for your favorite high school game show, “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz.” [shot widens to show studio] Now meet your host, the coolest senior at Park Ridge High School, Sean Denny!

Sean: Hello, and welcome to “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz,” where the most popular kids at school ask questions of our loser guests to determine who is a geek, dweeb, or spazz. [chuckles] Okay, now let’s meet our cool panelists. [walks over to panelsists’ podiums] Billy Westman. Billy, you’re the captain of the Scarsdale High School lacross team, and you sit at the best table in the lunch room.

Billy: Sean, wherever I sit is the best table.

Sean: [chuckles] Okay. And to your left is Serena Williams. Serena, you’re copied by every white girl in your school who wants to walk, talk, and dress just like you. Also, you’re dating a college guy.

Serena: That’s right, Sean. High school guys are so immature.

Sean: [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, right. And, finally, Mark Hirschfeld. It says here, your uncle is the accountant for Aerosmith.

Mark: Yeah. Steven Tyler sang at my bar mitzvah.

Sean: All right, that’s great. All right, panelists, are you ready to play “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz?”

[the panel agrees unenthusiastically]

Sean: Okay, all right then. Let’s please welcome our first guest, Eric Thompson.

[Eric enters, wearing a black “SeaQuest DSV” shirt, thick glasses, and slacks]

Announcer: Eric is a dweeb. [flashing title: “DWEEB”]

Sean: Okay, all right. Billy. Billy, you’re up first.

Billy: Okay, Eric. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Eric: My perfect Friday night? Well, I could head to the mall and catch a movie. PG, of course. Or I could stay at home and play “Tetris” with my parents.

[Billy rings in]

Sean: Billy.

Billy: He’s a geek!

[buzzer sounds]

Sean: Sorry, sorry, sorry, that’s not it. Mark, your turn to ask a question.

Mark: Okay, Eric, what would you say if I asked you to borrow your dad’s car to go to a party.

Eric: Will there be drinking at said party?

[Mark rings in]

Mark: Sean, I got this one. This guy’s a dweeb.

[dinging sound]

Sean: Nice call, Mark. Nice call. Better luck next time, Eric.

Eric: [waves] I’ll see you guys later. [exits]

Sean: Yeah, right. Okay. All right, let’s now welcome our second guest, Stevie Sisken.

[Stevie enters, with unkempt hair and wearing a powder blue t-shirt with “Ghostbusters” logo]

Announcer: Stevie is a spazz. [flashing title: “SPAZZ”]

Sean: Serena, your question.

Serena: Thanks, Sean. Stevie, let’s say as a goof, right, I agreed to go out with you. What would we do on our date?

Stevie: Oh! That would be sweet! You could go out with me and my cousin to the school soccer game. Then we could all pile in my Sirocco, and then we’ll get some pizza, and then we could slide on my Slip ‘N Slide all night. It’s gonna be sweet!

[Mark rings in]

Mark: Sean, I got it. He’s a homo?

[buzzer sounds]

Sean: No, I’m sorry Mark. “Homo” is not one of the categories.

[Billy rings in]

Sean: Billy!

Billy: Sean, he acts like a geek, but I gotta go with my gut. He’s a spazz!

[dinging sound]

Sean: Good eye, Billy! Good eye!

Stevie: Hey, Serena! Pick you up at seven! It’s gonna be sweet!

Serena: Sure, Stevie. I’ll meet you in front of the Robert Taylor Housing Project. Building C. I may be a few hours late, so wait for me.

Sean: And make sure you wear that shirt. [chuckles]

Stevie: Yes, sir. Sweet! [exits]

Sean: Okay, all right. Okay, now let’s meet our third geek, dweeb, or spazz, Doreen Farvin.

[Doreen enters, dressed in a fast food uniform with paper hat]

Announcer: Doreen is a geeky-dweeb. [flashing title: “GEEKY-DWEEB”]

Doreen: Hi guys. [waves]

[Serena rings in]

Sean: Serena!

Serena: [laughing] Doreen is a geeky dweeb!

[dinging sound]

Sean: That’s right! That’s right!

Doreen: Can I say hello to my best friend Shirley Vega, please?

Sean: Hmmm…let me think. No! [chuckles]

[Doreen exits in a huff]

Sean: Okay. All right, now it’s time for our final round where everyone at home can play along. Our last guest just transferred to my high school from a school in Hayward, California. Please welcome Nick Russell!

[Nick enters, wearing a leather jacket and jeans, and drinking beer]

Sean: Whoah! Well, okay, all right. Billy.

Billy: Do you play any sports?

Nick: No.

Billy: Why? ‘Cause your mommy won’t let you, or do you just suck.

Nick: No, I busted my leg in a motorcycle accident, trying to get away from the state police.

Billy: [staring dumbfoundedly] Wow.

Sean: Mark, your question.

Mark: Okay. Let’s say I tell you to do my homework, or I’ll beat the living crap out of you. Do you a) do my homework, b) get the crap beat out of you, or c) do my homework and get the crap beat out of you?

Nick: The answer is d) I would kick your ass for asking me, and then I’d go to your house and beat up your old man.

Mark: [quietly] No more questions.

Nick: What did you say to me?!

Mark: [with quivering voice] Nothing! I said, “No more questions.” I swear to God, just leave me alone.

Sean: Okay, all right. Well. Serena, your question.

Serena: [timidly] Uh, um… Would you go out with me, Nick?

Nick: [scoffs] Maybe as a goof.

Sean: Anybody? Anybody? Seems like our panelists are stumped. [Nick smiles smugly] Maybe this yearbook picture from Nick’s old high school back in California will help. [Nick looks around nervously] Let’s take a look.

[dissolve to photograph of Nick, dressed as a stereotypical geek, with thick glasses and a vest, holding either a comic book or an RPG guidbook, with title: “Dungeons And Dragons Club]

Nick: Where’d you get that?! No, no, please!

[dissolve to studio]

Sean: Yes, that’s right. At his last high school, Nick was the treasurer of the Dungeons and Dragons club.

[Serena rings in]

Sean: Serena!

Serena: Oh! He’s a royal geek.

[dinging sound]

Sean: Royal geek is correct! [flashing title: “ROYAL GEEK”] Serena, we also would have accepted “total geek” or “your highness, king of the geeks.”

Nick: Thanks a lot. Now I’m gonna have to change schools again! [runs off]

Sean: Serena, you’re our winner!

Serena: [runs out from behind podium onto studio floor] Oh! So, what did I win?

Sean: Well, Serena, for one weekend you will have unlimited use of my stepdad’s cellular phone. Perfect for crank calls all over the world!

Serena: For real?!

Sean: Absolutely. I don’t care, ’cause I hate him. [chuckles] Okay, all right. This is Sean Denny. See you next time on “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz!”

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Michael Fay Caning

Warden…..Rob Schneider
Michael Fay…..Emilio Estevez
Caner…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor…..Phil Hartman

[ open on wide shot of Singapore skyline over body of water, with SUPER: “Singapore, April 16th, 1994” ]

[ dissolve to interior, prison room, a pair of guards tying Michael Fay’s wrists to a tall torture device, Fay’s pants pulled down to his ankles ]

Warden: [ reading, in a thick Oriental accent ] Michael Fay. For the crime of vandalizing cars and buses, the nation of Singapore has sentenced you-ou to six strokes of the cane. The sentence will be carried out.. now-ow.

[ a snappily-dressed American, in tan coat and tie, enters the room ]

Caner: Hello, Michael My name’s Jeff Gardner.

Michael Fay: Thank God! Are you from the State Department?

Caner: No, I’m the caner. I’m the one who’s gonna be caning you.

Michael Fay: But you’re am American.

Caner: Yep! Born and raised. [ walks to the wall, removes his jacket and hangs it up, then reaches for a cane among a rack filled with canes ]

Michael Fay: So, what are you doing here?

Caner: Well, I’ll tell ya — [ holds up his chosen cane and looks through the hollow of it ] You know, I always wanted to be a caner, but there’s, uh.. there’s not much call for caners back in the States, so, hey! You gotta go where the work is, you know? But, I’ll tell ya – Singapore is, uh.. is pretty nice, you know? How’s your visit been here so far?

Michael Fay: Okay. Not great.

Caner: Yeah. You know, you gotta give it a chance, it’ll grow on you – it’s clean, a great climate, and, virtually, no crime.

Michael Fay: So I understand.

Caner: Yeah. you know why there’s no crime? The caning!

Michael Fay: Yeah.

Caner: Although, actually, you know, caning is pretty barbaric, when you think about it.

Michael Fay: Yeah, I agree.

Caner: But, you know, they don’t pay me to think. They pay me to cane people. [ raises cane in the air for soem practice swings ] So, now, you’re a student, huh? What grade you in?

Michael Fay: Actually, I’m in college. I’m taking some courses over at the — [ screams as the Caner raises his cane into the air ]

Caner: No, no, no. Please, finish up.

Michael Fay: Well.. I’m, uh, uh.. I’m taking a bunch of language courses at the University of Singapore.

Caner: Ah! Th-that’s a good school! [ takes the first swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: Now.. are you living on campus over there? I heard they got some really nice dorms.

Michael Fay: [ gasps ]

Caner: You play tennis?

Michael Fay: Yeah, uh.. a little.

Caner: Me, too. Hey, we should play together sometime. You know, I’m getting a little tired of playing with these, you know? [ takes the second swift cane to Fay’s ass ] You know what I’m saying?

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: [ whispers ] You know, Mike? I think we better to get a doctor over here. [ looks offscreen to the doctor ] Hey, you want to have a look at this? [ the Oriental doctor steps forward ] What have I got here, Doc?

Doctor: [ in heavy Oriental accent ] Uh.. it looks like a blister. Probably from the caning.

Caner: Ah. Ah, thanks. [ doctor exits ] Like I need a doctor to tell me that, huh? [ takes the third swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Agh!

Caner: Funny story about that doctor! I was caning this guy, right? And he passes out, I think it was because of the incredible pain, you know? So, uh.. I keep caning him, you know, which you’re really not supposed to do! The doctor shows up, tells me the guy is dead! [ laughing ] Can you believe that! I was caning a dead guy! Is that crazy, or what?!

Michael Fay: [ not amused ] Yeah.

Caner: Hey, you know something? You’ve got a pretty nice-looking can there?

Michael Fay: [ disturbed ] What?!

Caner: Oh, I’m not one of those guys or anything, you know? It’s just that, I see a lot of them, that’s all. [ takes the fourth swift cane to Fay’s ass ] Hey, uh.. I’m losing track here. How many was that?

Michael Fay: [ smiles ] I think that’s all of them.

Caner: Nice try! I was just kidding! you got two more!

[ the phone rings, answered by the Warden. The Caner and Michael Fay look on with interest, as the Warden steps forward ]

Warden: It’s the Chief Justice of Singapore.

Michael Fay: Oh, thank God!

Caner: Oh, doesn’t he know I’m in the middle of a caning here?

Warden: He say very important.

Caner: Oh, that’s weird. You know, the Chief Justice only calls when there’s a pardon. What do you suppose he wants? [ takes the fifth swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Maybe it’s a pardon!

Caner: Relax, buddy, you gotta save your strength, okay? You’ve got one more. [ takes the sixth and final swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Just ask what he wants!

Caner: All right. [ to Warden ] What does he want?

Warden: [ listens into the phone ] Mr. Fay. I have some good news, and bad news.

Michael Fay: What’s the good news?

Warden: You have been pardoned!

Michael Fay: Thanks. What’s the bad news?

Warden: [ glumly ] Well.. “Live, from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Probably the earliest flyswatters were
nothing more than some sort of striking surface
attached to the end of a long stick.

SNL Transcripts

How Much Ya Bench?

Frankie Genovese…..Emilio Estevez
Steroid User #1…..Adam Sandler
Steroid User #2…..Chris Farley
Steroid User #3…..David Spade
Steroid User #4…..Jay Mohr
Caller #1…..
Caller #2…..Mike Myers
Caller #3…..
Charlie Sheen…..

[open on panelists with theme music and title: “How Much Ya Bench?”]

[all panelists have heavily overdeveloped upper bodies]

Announcer: And now it’s time for “How Much Ya Bench,” with your host, Frankie Genovese.

[title is removed]

Frankie: Hello, and welcome to “How Much Ya Bench,” the show dedicated to body building and a steroid-free power lifting experience. I think you know our panelists, especially if you are a Perth Amboy local, in which case you would also know that we enjoy a lifting experience that’s completely free of steroid influence.

[other panelists agree while the shot widens to show that the panelists’ legs are comically underdeveloped]

Frankie: Before we go to the phones, let’s start off with a regular segment on “How Much Ya Bench?” called Movie Talk. This is where we have a steroid-free discussion of the movies. Tonight’s topic: Hollywood’s hot new actors and how much we want to kick their heads in. First up: Brad Pitt. He’s becoming a big star. Do we like it?

Steroid User #1: My girl thinks he’s really cute. And she says he was really good in “Thelma and Louise.” So to be quite honest, I’d like to give him a savage beating. The kind of beating where the cops would say, “What kind of animal would do this to another human being?”

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #2: Yeah! Brad Pitt needs a beatin’! He needs a beatin’ Fast! I swear to God, I am not in the mood for him, ever!

Frankie: To sum up, I guess Brad Pitt gets a beatin’. Next up: Richard Grieco. The heat has faded, but he seems to still have that certain look on his face that needs to be wiped off. Agree?

Steroid User #1: Oh, my God, yes. I want to boot him so hard in the adam’s apple it comes shooting out his mouth. Holy lord, when I used to watch him on “21 Jump Street,” he would make me so angry it was like I was on steroids or something. That’s how angry he made me.

Steroid User #2: Hey, Grieco, what’s behind you? It’s your worst nightmare, mister. Mr. Big-Time Beatin’! [punctuates the following with hand/arm gestures] Wham! Bam! Slam! Throat punch! Down you go! Oh, but it continues! Bam, bam, bam! Wham! When’s it ever gonna stop?! Survey says: Not very soon!

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #3: I can’t follow his energy. However, I’d like to stress two things. Brad Pitt needs a beatin’, and I’m not on steroids.

Steroid User #1: Very nice.

Steroid User #2: All right, yeah.

Steroid User #3: Mr. Pitt, if I ever see you, I’ll give you so many rights, you’ll be begging for lefts!

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Frankie: A beatin’ all around. All right, finally: Charlie Sheen. Thoughts.

Steroid User #1: He’s cool.

Steroid User #2: I like his work.

Steroid User #3: Laughed my ass off at “Hot Shots Part Deux.”

Steroid User #4: Yeah, you know what? I’m on the fence. I could go either way with him.

Frankie: Shut up, gentlemen! The man needs a beatin’! He needs a good old-fashioned James Caan, “Godfather,” garbage can involved monster beatin’!

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Frankie: All right. And let me say that what you’ve just seen was a display of normal male envy and agression, and in no way was the consequence of steroid abuse. Stay off the juice! The side effects aren’t worth it. All right, before we take calls, I think someone here has an announcement to make.

Steroid User #1: Indeed I do. Just this last Friday at 2:23pm, I was benching and I put up 350 pounds.

[other panelists cheer him on with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #2: You! You! Yeah! All right! You did it totally without the aid of steroids! Or steroid byproducts! You must be amped man! 350! Let’s see that rip!

[Steroid User #1 flexes and turns, showing that his back is extremely hairy]

Steroid User #1: And I’m not even oiled up, gentlemen!

Frankie: Well, it’s my guess we lost a few callers with that one. I’d like to thank those of you that hung in there. So let’s get to your calls. Caller, you’re on. How much ya bench?

Caller #1: 255. Steroid-free, just like you guys.

[panelists make girly ding-a-ling]

Steroid User #3: Tinkerbell! Tinkerbell! 255?! You calling to brag about that?! Anything else you want to brag about? Maybe how you got great seats for “Phantom of the Opera?”

Steroid User #2: Yeah! Or maybe how you got great seats for…some other queer play.

Steroid User #4: Now hang up the phone, all right, because there’s a lot of other guys at the gay bar who need to use it, all right, you selfish bastard. God! I’m not on steroids!

Frankie: Okay, next caller. You’re on the air. How much ya bench?

Caller #2: Hey, I don’t really work out, okay. My question is for Steroid User #2.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey, there’s no one here on steroids, nancy-boy.

Caller #2: Uh, yeah. Steroid User #2. Could you tell me why your legs are so thin?

Steroid User #2: That’s because I generally don’t like to kick guys like you into a coma! I like to hear your bones snap under my fists!

Caller #2: Let me ask one more question. How do you guys ever get girls? I mean, do you have to hypnotize them or something?

Steroid User #4: Oh, no, no, no. You do.

[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]

Steroid User #1: Hang up the phone, nancy-boy! Save your money for when you call 1-900-MAKE-OUT-WITH-A-GUY.

Frankie: All right, next caller. You’re on. How much ya bench?

Charlie Sheen: Hey, steroid-boy. This is Charlie Sheen. You want a piece of me?

Frankie: Yeah! Where you at, pretty boy?

Charlie Sheen: You know where I live, Emilio. I’ll be right here.

Frankie: Hey, Charlie. Come on, it’s just a sketch.

Charlie Sheen: Oh, yeah? Well it’s just a beatin’! Get ready for it! [hangs up]

Frankie: Oh, ah, um, next caller. How much ya bench?

Caller #3: Uh, not a tremendous amount. Hey, I lost a dog, and I was wondering if I could describe him in case a viewer has seen his.

Frankie: You got it, alpha woman. What’s this poodle look like?

Caller #3: No, it’s not a poodle. I don’t know what kind it is, but I know it’s definitely on steroids. It’s real buff, with little stick-legs. And it’s got this weird forehead, real hairy back and shoulders with tons of zits. It goes through crazy mood swings, and it answers to “loser.”

Steroid User #4: Oh, my God, Frankie! There ain’t no dog! This guy’s referring to us! Oh, I can’t stand it! Oh, my God! I want a piece of this guy! Oh, God, please, God, I gotta give this guy a beatin’! [sobs]

Steroid User #2: You will pay, nancy-boy! Oh, it’s coming! You hear me?! [with arms and legs flailing] Oh, God, you are gonna pay! One sorry nancy-boy!

Frankie: We’re gonna find out where you live, and you’re dead! Everybody else, tune in next week to “How Much Ya Bench?”

[dissolve to advertizement screen]

Announcer: “How Much Ya Bench?” has been brought to you by Jim Tischer’s Anabolic Steroids. For when you want big mass and got no time. Turn to the juice. Jim Tischer’s juice.

[dissolve to panelists with theme song and title: “How Much Ya Bench?”]

[fade to black]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 16th, 1994

Emilio Estevez

Pearl Jam

None

Michael Fay Caning

Caner (Kevin Nealon) in Singapore chats with Michael Fay (Estevez).

Emilio Estevez’s Monologue

Estevez catches up the audience on Brat Pack whereabouts.

Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz

The Whitewater Folder

Pearl Jam performs “Not For You”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon delivers a subliminal editorial on Michael Fay’s caning

Operaman (Adam Sandler) sings of the week’s events and his interest in Eddie Vedder.

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

How Much Ya Bench?

Bench pressers deny allegations of steroid use.

Pearl Jam performs “Rearviewmirror”

The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Recurring Characters: Mr. O’Malley.

Poker Billy

Guitarist (Michael McKean) puts Poker Billy’s (Estevez) card stupidity into song.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Reflections of the earliest fly swatters.

Pearl Jam performs “Daughter”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

93q: Kelsey Grammer / Dwight Yoakum

Something Smells Good In Stinkville, Part Two

Husband…..Kelsey Grammer
Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne

Announcer: And now part two of Something Smells Good in Stinkville.

(open to husband and wife eating sandwiches)

Husband: These sandwiches smell horrible!

Wife: Thank You.

Husband: No, I mean they really smell horrible!

Wife: Do you mean they smell horrible, because they smell good? Or horrible which is good?

Husband: They smell good.

Wife: So they smell good to you which is horrible, or do they smell horrible because — (interrupted by her husband)

Husband: Oh, shut up and get me the cat’s ass! (Grammer cracks up as he sniffs the cat’s ass)

Announcer: This has been part two of Something Smells Good in Stinkville.

Thanks to Julian Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts