Month: October 2018

Adam Sandler’s Christmas Song

…..Adam Sandler

[ open on Adam Sandler at center stage with a guitar ]

Adam Sandler: Well, it’s the holiday season, and Santa is checking his list to see who is naughty or nice, and I’m feeling kinda guilty, so I wrote a song:

[ singing ]
“So many presents,
so little time.
Santa won’t be coming by my house this year
‘Cause I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear.
Oh Mama made it perfectly clear
Santa don’t like bad boys.
Especially Jewish ones!

Gnip Gnop and lego blocks are what I desire
So why did I have to set the pizza guy’s hair on fire?
I told him I was sorry – I’m a liar,
So no toys for me
I don’t deserve them!

I couldn’t wait for a Big Wheel as the holiday neared,
But then I told my Grandma that she had a beard.”

[ spoken interlude ]

Dear Santa: You know what my problem is? Why I can’t be good? It’s a fear of intimacy. You see, my whole life, whenever I met someone really great like you, and I keep feeling I’m getting too close to them, something inside of me makes me want to screw it up. So in a weird way, the reason I’m so bad is because I love you so much, Santa.

[ singing ]
“Rock ’em Sock’ em Robots is what I was hoping for,
But then I made a death threat to Vice-President Gore,
Oh, Santa won’t be knocking at my door
‘Cause he’s a big fat whore!
What made me say that?!

Chutes and Ladders would be so good indeed,
So why did I have to sell that cop a bag of weed?
So Santa, please give me my Easy-Bake oven,
I swear I thought Billy Goats were made for lovin’.

So Santa, won’t you accept my apologies?
Santa, can’t you see, I’m begging you please?
Oh Santa, next year I’ll do you right,
Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Sally Field’s Monologue

…..Sally Field
Burt Reynolds…..Phil Hartman
…..Chris Farley

Sally Field: Thank you! Thank you very, very much! It’s wonderful to be here, it’s been a great year for me. I’m in a big hit movie – “Mrs. Doubtfire”.. and here I am hosting the Christmas show of “Saturday Night Live”.

Now, when they asked me to host the show, I have to admit I was a little relunctant. As you know, this show loves to get its host up here and make fun of the things they’ve done a long time ago. Now, the first thing I did was lay down some ground rules. To start with, there’s “The Flying Nun”, well.. it was a great show. [ show fans in audience dressed as nuns ] I had a lot of fun doing it, but I told them I didn’t want to do any sketches tonight about “The Flying Nun”. [ fans dressed as nuns scowl, stand up, and leave studio disappointed ]

Also, although I enjoyed doing “Gidget”, uh. and it was a great show and a great experience.. [ show fans in audience dressed in beachwear ] Yes, it certainly did launch my career.. I’m not going to do any sketches tonight about “Gidget”. [ fans dressed in beachwear scowl, stand up, and leave studio disappointed, revealing Chris Farley alone in the audience ]

And, of course, “Smokey & The Bandit” was a great film – a groundbreaking film. Lord knows without it there couldn’t have been a “Cannonball Run”. But there will be no sketches tonight about “Smokey & The Bandit”. [ show Burt Reynolds in the audience. He stands up, prepared to leave, but changes his mind and stays instead ]
I told them, “If you want to make fun of something, make fun of ‘Cybil’.” It was a movie I did where I play a girl with 16 separate personalities. For soem reason, I’m always happy to make fun of crazy people! [ Burt stands up again, and leaves for good this time, Chris Farley now completely alone in the audience ] Well.. at least there’s one person left. Why didn’t you leave like everyone else?

Chris Farley: [ stands ] Because I like you. I really, really like you!

Sally Field: He likes me! He really, really likes me! That’s good enough for me! We have a great show – Tony! Toni! Tone! is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back! Burt, I was just kidding!

SNL Transcripts

Matt Foley: Motivational Santa

Store Manager…..Phil Hartman
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
Mother…..Sally Field

[ open on Mall interior, Santa Claus display – Store Manager addresses a line of excited kids ]

Store Manager: Okay, kids, Santa is coming! But first I want everyone’s attention. This year, we’re gonna do things differently at the mall. We’re all a little concerned by the way young people in this town have been turning out. That’s why, today, we’ve got a very special Santa Claus for you. Now, he’s been downstairs in the Ovanpon driniking espresso for the last four hours. So let’s give Santa nie warm welcome!

[ kids cheer ]

Matt Foley: [ approaches, dressed sloppily as Santa Claus ] Ho, ho, ho, ho! Now, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Santa. Let me tell you a little bit about myself, so that you’ll know where I’m coming from. First, off, I am 35 years old, I am thrice-divorced, and I live at the North Pole in a van down by the river!Kid: [ steps up ] I want a Super-Morphing Power Ranger! I want a Power Ranger!

Matt Foley: Well, you do, do ya?

Mother: [ tags behind her Kid ] My son Jason is just crazy about that show! [ smiles ]

Matt Foley: Well, whoop-de-freaking-do! It’s all about presents to you kids, isn’t it? You all wanna wake up Christmas morning, run down to the tree at light-speed, grab the biggest package that you see, tear it open, you pop it open, and you pull out a dream come true! Well, I got news for you kids. In the real world, you hang up a stocking, the next morning you find it filled to the brim with jack squat! You know why? [ picks up Kid ] Because there is no such thing as Santa Claus!

Mother: Sir! Sir, you’re ruining Christmas for all of the kids! They love Santa!

Matt Foley: Mom, I wish you could be Santa’s little helper, an shut your little cakehole! Heck, everybody wants a merry holly, jolly Christmas! Hey, look at me, I’m covered in elf dust! [ dances ] Yee-hoo! A rump-a-bom-bom!

Kid: [ angry ] You don’t even look like Santa Claus! That’s a fake beard, and you’re way too fat!

Matt Foley: [ to his elf ] My golly.. hey, Rudolph, help me out here, I can’t see too good. We got some kind of detective over there! Is that Ben Matlock?

Mother: Now, wait, you leave my son alone! Please!

Matt Foley: Hey, you know what? I think it’s time for ol’ Matt to tell you all a little story! Gather ’round, please. [ sits down in Santa chair, as the kids gather around him ] Alrighty here.. let’s see.. [ reads ]

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van
Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep behind the can.
His children were nestled two time zones away,
With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A.
Matt woke up and realzied with a chill and a quiver
That he was living in a van down by the river!“

[ drops book ]

Store Manager: [ intercedes ] You are scaring people! Now, you’d better start acting like Santa Claus right now, or we’re not gonna pay you the other $45! End of story!

Matt Foley: [ chuckles ] He-ey, kids.. you know what? Santa’s got a ittle treat for ya! You kids, I’m gonna slide down that tree and give presents to everybody. How do ya like them apples? [ kids cheer ] Alrighty! Ol’ Matt’s gonna prove that with a little PMA – Positive Mental Attitude – you can do just about anything! [ climbs to top of chimney ] You gotta reach behind your grasp! Now, a lot of times, what you kids are gonna wanna do.. [ crashes through chimney, and falls on his face, tree falls over on him ]

Store Manager: Listen, Matt.. you’re gonna have to pay for these damages!

Matt Foley: Well, that’s no problemo. Just send the bill to Matt Foley, care of Van Down By The River!
[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Dr. Jack Kevorkian … Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, gray-haired Dr. Jack Kevorkian, wearinga white lab coat, sits in an easy chair next to anapparatus that resembles his famous Suicide Machineand soberly addresses the camera with his slightMichigan accent.]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: Well, the holidays are uponus again and that can mean only one thing — adramatic increase in suicides. [sudden grin] Hi! I’mDr. Jack Kevorkian! [SUPER: DR. JACK KEVORKIAN,applause] You know, after I introduced my SuicideMachine two years ago, I got a flood of lettersthanking me. But I also received letters like thefollowing.

[picks up a letter, unfolds it, and reads aloud] “Hey,Dr. Kevorkian, your machine is great for people withpainful terminal illness. [looks up from letter, grinsinto the camera for a moment, then continues reading]But what about me? I’m just an average guy who usessuicide as a cry for help, a desperate plea forattention.” [sets letter aside]

Well, that got me thinking. I went back to the drawingboard [rises from chair and walks behind nearbyapparatus] and now I’m so proud to introduce my newproduct — The Suicide Attempt Machine. … Here’s howit works. After you’ve hooked yourself up, simply turnthis valve and a solution of potassium chloride isreleased into your bloodstream. [turns valve under oneof three IV bags filled with clear solutions] It’s nota large enough dose to prove lethal — but you’re theonly one that has to know that. While you lieunconscious, the machine is still working, alertingthe authorities to your condition.

[Pan down to reveal that under the IV bags is a taperecorder and a telephone hooked up to a modem – thetouch-tone phone dials “911” – phone rings once -operator picks up]

911 Operator: [female voice answers calmly]Nine-one-one.

Pre-recorded Male Voice: [awkwardly punctuatedby a computerized male voice] Please come quickly to –Three-one-seven – Woodland – Terrace. Somethingterrible has happened! I think – Bill -McIntyre – has killed himself.

[Pan back up to Dr. Kevorkian who grinscreepily.]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: When they find you, you’llbe hooked up to something that looks just like myfamous Suicide Machine. It’ll seem pretty hopeless.But guess what? You’ll pull through! [heads back tohis seat] People will begin to take you and yourproblems seriously. And you’ll live out your life withdignity. [sits] So order now. And, maybe this year,what they’ll find under the Christmas tree – isyou!

[Applause as we fade out on a grinning Dr.K.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Pious Housewife

Tina…..Sally Field
Darrell…..Kevin Nealon
Jesus…..Phil Hartman

[ open on suburban household, kitchen, as housewife Tina readies ehr daughter’s lunch for school ]

Tina: [ overzealous in all activities of her day ] Alright, darling! Now, you have a real good day at school! But.. let’s pray first. [ they drop to their kness beside the island ] Dear, Sweet Jesus: please be with Blair today in school. Help her with her Algebra test. Praise be Your name.

Together: For you are the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory forever and ever. Amen!

[ Husband Darrell enters kitchen, seeming anxious to leave for work ]

Darrell: Praise the Lord! [ laughs sardonically ] How’s my little girl? all ready to go?

Daughter: Yep!

Tina: Now, should we pray for you at the office, and your big meeting today, before you go?

Darrell: Oh, didn’t we just do that when I got out of the shower?

Tina: Well..

Darrell: Why don’t you pray.. that we’re not late for Blair’s bus!

Tina: [ laughs ]

Darrell: Come on, we gotta go!

Tina: Okay, I love you!

Daughter: Bye, Mommy! Jesus loves you!

Tina: [ laughs ]

Darrell: I love you! Goodbye!

Tina: Goodbye! Praise Him! Call me!

Darrell: Alright.

[ Darrell and daughter exit; Tina drops back on her knees to continue praying ]

Tina: Dear, Sweet Jesus: Hear me. Turn your continence toward Blair and Darrell, as he stops the car and then he drives out on the street.. then to 161, and smiles on them, would you, please? All the way to the Franklin Overpass, where Blair catches her bus. [ stands, then realizes she forgot something and quickly drops back on her knees ] Oh! Oh! Dear Jesus: Thank you for bringing Luke and Laura back onto General Hospital.. and please be with them as they battle that old Frank Smith and his evil schemes!

[ full shot, as Jesus materializes in the kitchen in the foreground near Tina ]

Tina: JESUS!!

Jesus: Yes, Tina! I am He, your Savior.

Tina: [ excited ] Oh! Oh! I’m your servant! Oh! Oh! Je-sus! Oh-h! Oh, I-I love you so much!

Jesus: I appreciate that, Tina. Rise. Rise, and look at me.

Tina: [ jumps to her feet, unable to control her excitement ] Oh-ho-ho.. glory be to You and the Highest! I pray to you all the time! [ laughs chipperly ]

Jesus: [ rolls his eyes with a sigh ] I know.. That’s why I’ve come to talk to you. Shall we sit down?

Tina: Okay! Oh, I’m filled with gladness! I am filled with it! I’m just filled! [ nervous laughter ] My heart is singing!

[ they sit at the kitchen table, as Jesus lifts a plate to examine it, mock amusement as he discovers his image on the plate ]

Tina: Yes! I-I got this at Heritage USA!

Jesus: Uh-huh.. uh-huh..

Tina: Happy Day! Oh!

Jesus: Tina..

Tina: Yes?

Jesus: I listen to everyone’s prayers, and each prayer is answered in its own way..

Tina: Yes?

Jesus: And I was wondering.. if you would try.. to not pray so much?

Tina: Well.. well, now I-I.. I thought you liked me to pray? As much as possible?

Jesus: [ thinking in delicate terms ] How shall I put this..? If you could concentrate oyur prayers on just the most important things.. you know.. life and death, temptation.. and save the prayers like, “Dear Jesus: Be with me as I vacuum the stairs..” or, “Dear Jesus: Fill me with your spirit as I sponge off the slipcovers.” Things like that.. [ smiling ] It would just make things a lot simpler, Tina.

Tina: [ near tears ] You-you mean that I.. I shouldn’t have asked you to help Blair with her Algebra test?

Jesus: Uh.. no.. actually.. Algebra’s going to be very important to Blair later on. That’s actually okay.

Tina: Then.. what? I’m confused! I’m confused now, I am! [ starts to cry ]

Jesus: Tina.. Tina.. all I’m saying is, prayers like, “Please don’t let the rice get sticky.” You know.

Tina: Yeah! Yeah!

Jesus: I mean, do you really need My help with stuff like that? See?

Tina: [ crying profusely into her apron ] I’m very, very sorry..! I guess I was just wasting your time..! I certainly wish you had told me about this sooner..!

Jesus: Well, I thought about it, and I decided to finally say something..

Tina: Oh, God, I’m so embarrassed..!

Jesus: Well, believe me, there are a billion people with the same problem! [ chuckling ]

Tina: [ covering her face with her apron, ashamed to face Jesus or be seen by him ] Just.. don’t look at me, now! Just don’t look at me!

Jesus: [ realizing the error of his ways ] You know what? This was a mistake. [ pause ] Can we just forget this ever happened?

Tina: [ annoyed ] Can I forget?! Can I forget the day that Jesus walked right into my kitchen?!

Jesus: Here.. Tina.. we’re just going to go back in a time a few minutes. [ stands, takes Tina’s hand ] You stand over here.. I’m going to leave you where you were before I appeared.

Tina: [ drying her tears ] Well-well, what are you gonna do?

Jesus: I’m going.. back to Heaven?

Tina: And I’m going with you?

Jesus: [ chuckles ] No. You’re not.

Tina: [ stops crying abruptly ] Oh, well I’m not going to Heaven, then?!

Jesus: [ sorry he ever came down for the visit ] Yes! But not with me. Not just now.

Tina: [ desperately pleading ] But, Jesus..!

[ Jesus stands where he was when he materialized into the kitchen, then just as quietly disappears ]

Tina: [ stands in front of the island, bows down and prays ] Dear Jesus: Please be with Luke and Laura, as they battle Frank Smith’s awful, evil schemes. [ pause ] Please don’t let the garbage disposal and all the..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 9

93i: Sally Field / Tony! Toni! Tone!

Billable Hours

(all voices by Mike Judge)

Milton: (on the phone) And then I filled out another time sheet for overtime and I never received a check. And then —

Receptionist: Excuse me, sir? I’m gonna transfer you to accounts payable, okay?

Milton: Um — w-w-well — n-n-no — well, but — I’m gonna — okay —

(Ray enters the room)

Ray: Hey Milton, can I borrow your Thomas Register for a minute?

Milton: W-well … I loaned it to Bill last week and he never brought it back. And … and then I needed it for the AIUDCP project and I had to go get it.

Ray: Where is it, down here? (He sees a book on the shelf with the name “Thomas Register”)

Milton: So … I would prefer not to loan it out.

Ray: Oh. Here it is. Thanks. (He takes it off the shelf and walks out the door with it)

Milton: W-well … okay, but … if you don’t bring it back, I’ll tell Bill it was stolen. A-and I could have you fired. W-well … I mean … I’m gonna put strychnine in the coffee. (picks nose)

(Bill Lumbergh and Ray are overheard from within the building, but not seen)

Bill: Oh, uh, Ray?

Ray: Yeah?

Bill: Are you using Milton for anything right now?

Ray: Uh, nope. He’s all yours.

Bill: Great. Thanks. Oh, and uh, do you think that (whispers something)

Ray: Uh huh. (they exchange whispers)

Bill: Uh huh. Yeah, yes, I know. Okay, thanks a bunch.

Ray: All right, see ya.

Bill: Buh-bye. (enters Milton’s office) Oh. Hello Milton. What’s happening? Um …

Milton: W-w-well, I was told that I could receive overtime on the AIUDCP project and …

Bill: (inhales through teeth) Ooooh, that’s gonna be kinda tight on the overtime …

Milton: B-but I was told that they —

Bill: (inhales through teeth) Yeaah, we’re really short on billable hours.

Milton: Well —

Bill: (looks at watch) In fact, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

Milton: Mm — but —

Bill: So ah, if you could just go ahead and clock out as soon as possible, that would be terrific. M’kay?

Milton: Well … okay, but …

Bill: Oh, and ah, if you could just kinda go over those AIUDCP files at home tonight, that would be great. M’kay?

Milton: Well —

Bill: Thanks a bunch, Milton. Buh-bye. (walks away)

Milton: Mm — but — well — okay, but — I could have you killed. (picks nose)

(Theme music resumes. Cut to sign: “TO BE CONTINUED”)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

Headgames

Tom Furlough…..Phil Hartman
Eddie Furlough…..David Spade
Amanda Allen-Furlough…..Sally Field
Barbara Furlough…..Julia Sweeney

[ Music Open: “Head Games”, Foreignor” ]

Announcer: Like it or not, it’s time for “Headgames”! Here’s your host – Tom Furlough!

Tom Furlough: Hello! And welcome to “Headgames”! I’m Tom Furlugh, glad you could join us! Today’s “Headgame” contestants are: my son, Eddie Furlough; my ex-wife, Amanda Allen-Furlough; and, my new wife, Barbara Furlough. [ no response ] Isn’t anyone gonna say Hello?

Amanda Allen-Furlough: I.. I thought you didn’t want us to speak yet?

Tom Furlough: I don’t remember telling anyone that? I always thought is was customary, when a person’s glad to see someone, they say Hello.

Barbara Furlough: [ weakly ] I-I was about to say Hello.

Tom Furlough: Well, that doesn’t really count now, does it? Because.. the damage is done. [ changes gears ] Okay! Let’s move on! Here’s our rules: I’ll ask a question, you give the answer! The questions are simple, and our contestants should have no problem answering them, unless, of course.. they.. don’t.. really love me. Okay, let’s begin! The categories are: “As Long As You’re Happy”; “Is That What You’re Wearing Tonight?”; “I Admire Your Selfishness, I Really Do”; “I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You.” You like these categories, Eddie?

Eddie Furlough: Yeah, Dad..

Tom Furlough: Well, too bad, Eddie, because these categories aren’t for today’s show. Today’s categories are: “Where To Eat”; “That’s Not What I Said”; “What’s So Funny?”; and “If You Say So”. Amanda, you’re up first.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ looking at the board ] Uh.. I’ll take, um.. “What’s So Funny?”

Tom Furlough: Okay. The question is: “How do you change a flat tire?”

Amanda Allen-Furlough: Well, uh.. first you loosen the lugnuts. And then you jack up the car. And, then..

Tom Furlough: [ interrupts with a hearty laugh ]

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ annoyed ] What’s so funny? What are you laughing at?

Tom Furlough: [ quickly ] Nothing.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: Well, then.. why are you laughing at me?

Tom Furlough: I’m not laughing at you, you’re just being paranoid.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ angry as all get-out ] I am NOT!!

[ timer buzzer sounds ]

Tom Furlough: Time’s up! No points for you! [ laughs fiendishly ] Barbara, your turn!

Barbara Furlough: I’ll take “Where to Eat”!

Tom Furlough: Okay, Barbara. Very simple. Pick a place for us to eat.

Barbara Furlough: Uhh.. what are you in the mood for?

Tom Furlough: Anything. I don’t care.

Barbara Furlough: How about Humberto’s?

Tom Furlough: Oh, I hate that place. But, if you want to eat there – fine.

Barbara Furlough: I don’t want to go there, I’m just suggesting a place.. you said you didn’t care!

Tom Furlough: Well.. I assumed you wouldn’t pick a place that I hate.

Barbara Furlough: Well, uh.. how about Hunan Kitchen?

Tom Furlough: I guess if you like it there.. but I may not join you.

Barbara Furlough: [ exasperated ] Well.. where do you want to go..?

Tom Furlough: I said I don’t care! Could you just pick a place? It’s not that difficult!

[ timer buzzer sounds ]

Tom Furlough: Al-right! Time’s up! No points for you! [ laughs fiendishly ] Eddie, your turn! Pick any category you like! [ Eddie appears distracted ] Eddie!

Eddie Furlough: [ breaking free of his daze ] Oh.. okay.. um.. I’ll take.. “If You Say So”.

Tom Furlough: [ disgusted ] That’s the category you’re picking?

Eddie Furlough: [ confused ] Yeah. What’s wrong?

Tom Furlough: Nothing. I just assumed you were mature enough to pick a category on your own.

Eddie Furlough: I am mature enough..

Tom Furlough: And that’s the category you want, you’re sure?

Eddie Furlough: [ unsure ] Yes? [ trying to be cautiously naive ] Or.. I could pick a different one, if that’s what you want..

Tom Furlough: Son, are you trying to embarrass me?

Eddie Furlough: [ afraid ] No-oh..! What did I do, Dad..?

Tom Furlough: [ sternly ] I think you know.

[ suddenly, loud sirens sound ]

Tom Furlough: Okay! There’s our “Headgames” siren! You know what that means!

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ excited ] No! No! What does it mean?

[ sirens dissolve to quiet ]

Tom Furlough: Nothing.. it’s just a siren, it makes noise. [ shakes his head with a smile ] Anyway, let’s move along! It looks like no one has any points, so we have a three-way tie! I’d better see what the judges say.

[ Tom leans in to speak with the judges, as they all begin to laugh and point at the contestants with sheer amusement ]

Tom Furlough: Definitely! Definitely!

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ curious, and unable to resist ] Well.. well, what did they say?

Tom Furlough: Nothing.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: Well, you were over there talking with them! And they pointed at us! They-they must have said something!

Tom Furlough: [ shakes his head ] No. Nothing. Does everything have to be about you? [ back in game mode ] Okay! No one got any questions right, which must mean that, once again.. none of you.. love me. Okay, uh.. I guess our winner is.. [ considering the choices ] My ex-wife Amanda!

[ dinger sounds ]

Barbara Furlough: [ outraged ] What?! That doesn’t make any sense!

Eddie Furlough: [ equally outraged ] Why’s she the winner?

Tom Furlough: Well, I guess that means either.. I love Amanda the most.. or, I hate her the most.. or, both.. uh.. it could also be that I can only hurt her the way I do because I care for her so much – or not. [ laughs ] Anyway, Amanda, you’re our winner! Are you ready to play our final round?

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ excited ] You bet!

Tom Furlough: Well, that’s too bad, because there is no final round! [ laughs ]

Amanda Allen-Furlough: You bastard!

Tom Furlough: [ still laughing ] Yeah! See you next week on “Headgames”!

[ cue title card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Sally Field

Sally Field: Thank you, Tony! Toni! Tone! Thank you, everyone! Have a very happy holiday! Everybody, stay safe, and have fun! Thanks!

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If you’re in a war,
instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins.
Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is,
and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

SNL Transcripts

I Want My Baby Back

Harriet Cralboni…..Sally Field
Nurse…..Melanie Hutsell
Mr. Blaylock…..Kevin Nealon
Social worker…..Tim Meadows
Judge Roberta Lewis…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mr. Fontel…..Mike Myers
Mrs. Fontel…..Julia Sweeney
Hasheem…..Adam Sandler
Pakistani Judge…..Rob Schneider

V/O: Tonight, an NBC World Premiere Movie. A true story, from the producers of They Took My Baby and What Have You Done With My Baby? and My Baby’s Where?, a story of one woman’s valiant fight against impossible odds. I Want My Baby Back: The Harriet Cralboni Story.

[SUPER: December 15, 1989. A woman is seen in a hospital room clutching a baby.]

Harriet Cralboni: Hello, Amy! It’s just you and me sweetie, no daddy. But that’s okay, we’ll always be together because you’re mine! You’re mine, my baby!

Nurse: Miss Cralboni, you need to rest now. [Takes the baby from Harriet’s arms.]

Harriet Cralboni: Where are you taking my baby? I want my baby!

Nurse: To the nursery, where no one could ever possibly switch her with another baby. Now get some sleep.

Harriet Cralboni: My baby… My baby… I’ll only have my baby… My baby…

[The scene fades to a view of an apartment building. SUPER: December 17, 1989.]

[A man is holding the baby, playing with her.]

Mr. Blaylock: [Makes baby noises.] You’re such a cutie, aren’t you? Yes you are, you’re such a cute little baby! [Makes baby noises, as Harriet enters.] Oh, she’s a gorgeous baby! Just like her mother, but not half as sexy.

Harriet Cralboni: Thank you Mr. Blaylock, and thank you for bringing the typing over. I’ll try to have it done by Monday.

Mr. Blaylock: You know, you don’t have to do any of it if you’d . . . get a little friendlier with me, if you know what I mean. [Winks, then leans in to kiss her.]

Harriet Cralboni: Yes, I do know what you mean, and it’s out of the question!

Mr. Blaylock: Just forget about the typing Miss Cralboni, because you don’t work for me anymore. I could find a lot of other unwed mother typists who will play ball. [Gets up to leave.]

Harriet Cralboni: Oh, well! Well, fine then! Fine! [Shuts the front door after him.] Now don’t you worry, my sweetheart! Mommy didn’t want that filthy old job anyway! No I didn’t! I’ll find a new job, a great job! Everything’s going to be fine! [The buzzer rings and she opens the door.]

Social worker: Miss Harriet Cralboni?

Harriet Cralboni: Yes.

Social worker: Give me the baby.

Harriet Cralboni: What?

Social worker: I’m with the child welfare department. We just got a call from Blaylock and his associates about you being unemployed and raising Amy in an unfit environment.

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! That’s a lie!

Social Worker: [Yanks Amy out of her arms.] That’s for the court to decide. [Rushes out the door.]

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! But that’s my baby! That’s my baby! I want my baby back, I want my baby back!

[An outside view of a courtroom is shown. SUPER: January 18, 1990.]

Judge Roberta Lewis: [Judge is seen banging with her gavel.] Order in the court! I will have order in the court! Now Miss Cralboni, as a woman and a mother, I sympathize with you, but I’m afraid the law is the law!

Harriet Cralboni: Your honor, may I say something? It’s true, I don’t have a job! But this baby is mine! She grew inside of me for nine months? Doesn’t that mean anything, or isn’t this America? Please, give me back my baby!

Judge Roberta Lewis: [Sobbing] Miss Cralboni, that was one of the most eloquent speeches I’ve ever heard! The bench rules for Miss Cralboni, the baby will remain with her!

Harriet Cralboni: [Cheers, jumps up and down] I’ve got my baby back! I’ve got my baby back! [The social worker hands Amy back to her.]

Nurse: Hold on a minute! That’s not her baby! And I would know, because I switched them. I switched the babies!

[The social worker takes Amy and leaves.]

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! Oh! Where’s my baby? [Grabs the nurse and shakes her around.] Tell me where my baby is! Give me my baby! Give me my baby! Give me my baby!

[We see a moving view of a street in a suburban neighborhood. SUPER: January 18, 1990. 1 hour later. The other parents come out of a house.]

Mrs. Fontel: Oh honey, I’m so nervous!

Mr. Fontel: Do you think that woman running down the street is her?

Mrs. Fontel: I hope so!

[Harriet rushes up to their door.]

Harriet Cralboni: Are you Mr. and Mrs. Avery Fontel?

Mrs. Fontel: You must be Harriet Cralboni, come in!

Harriet Cralboni: Oh! I want my baby!

Mr. Fontel: As do we. As do we.

Social worker: Mr. and Mrs. Fontel, I believe this is your baby.

Mrs. Fontel: I’ve got my baby!

Mr. Fontel: [Stifling tears] And I believe this little darling is yours! [Mr. Fontel gives Amy back to Harriet.]

Harriet Cralboni: I’ve got my baby back!

Mr. Fontel, Mrs. Fontel, and Harriet Cralboni: We’ve got our babies back!

Harriet Cralboni: Oh, sweetie! Hello, my little baby! This is mommy talking to you! And nothing is ever, ever going to separate us again!

[A man enters the house.]

Hasheem: Not so fast! That child is half mine!

Harriet Cralboni: Hasheem, when you left me, you gave up all rights as a father!

Hasheem: We’ll see what the court has to say about that. The court . . . [Pulls Amy out of her arms.] . . . in Pakistan! [Leaves]

Harriet Cralboni: That’s my baby! Give me back my baby! I want my baby!

[Footage is shown of a marketplace. SUPER: January 24, 1990 Karachi, Pakistan.]

Pakistani Judge: Order in the court! [Bangs the gavel] I will have order! Miss Cralboni, the Pakistani court sympathizes with you! But I’m afraid Pakistani law is Pakistani law!

Harriet Cralboni: [Stands up, wearing a burqa.] Your honor, may I speak? I may be a stranger here in your country, but I have to believe that the bond between a mother and her child is just as strong here as it is in America! And if it isn’t, I feel sorry for Pakistan! And indeed, the entire Nation of Islam!

Pakistani Judge: Miss Cralboni, that is without question the most insulting speech I have ever had the misfortune to hear. Up until that, I was ready to give your child back. But now I have no choice but to lock you away forever!

Harriet Cralboni: I want my baby! [Two guards go to her and take her away.] I just want my baby! Give me my baby! Give my baby! Give my baby back! I want my baby! I want my baby!

[The Pakistani skyline is shown.]

V/O: On May 14, 1993, Harriet Cralboni was awarded custody of her child.

On May 15, 1993, Cralboni was informed that the babies had never really been switched and this was not her daughter.

On May 17, Cralboni was reunited with her original daughter from before the switch.

On May 18, that daughter, the real Amy Cralboni, filed for divorce from her mother.

Every year in the United States 200,000 babies are switched at birth and sent to Pakistan.

Three days later, 30,000 are returned.

[Harriet is shown locked in a cell with her face pressed up against the bars.]

Harriet Cralboni: Where’s my daughter? I want my baby back. Give me baby, I want my baby back, I want my baby…

[Music plays, SUPER: The End.]

[Fade]

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

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