Month: October 2018

My 75 Kids

Cecil Jacobson…..John Goodman
Oldest Son…..Chris Farley
Uncle Charlie…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: “1976-1988. Dr. Cecil Jacobson runs a fertility clinic in Virgina, artificially inseminating unwitting patients with his own sperm.
March 4, 1992. Jacobson is convicted for having fathered as many as 75 children.
March 14, 1992, in a surprise move, the judge suspeds sentencing, and assigns Jacobson the responsibility of caring for the 75 unwanted children and starring with them in a popular situation comedy.”

Jingle: “Raising 75 kids isn’t easy
Takes a lot of patience, and a lot of love
All the sperm in the world couldn’t tear us apart
It takes more than sperm, it takes heart.
When you’re a sperm doctor
A sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”

[ SUPER: “Also Starring: Jamie Farr ]

[ Cecil Jacobson enters living room, where his 75 kids are spread throughout ]

Cecil Jacobson: Kids, I’m home!

75 Kids: Hi, Daaaaaaaddd!!

Young Son: [ ehimpering ] Hi, Dad..

[ all the other kids start crying, too ]

Cecil Jacobson: Whoa, settle down.. what’s wrong with you kids?

Oldest Son: Oh.. Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Margaret and Steven had fights in school, with Jeff Mackenzie, Butch Pierce, Cheryl Hopp, Tommy Russell, Cohen Sisters, and Henry Kahn.

Cecil Jacobson: Oh, boy.. between Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Maragaret and Steven having fights, and Harold, Chris, Quon Le and Mitch not making the football team, I’ve got a full night’s work! [ laughs ] Well, that’s fatherhood. Now, what was your fight about, Margaret?

Margaret: Wendy Cohen came up to me and said that you’re weird, and that you should be taken out and shot.

Second Son: Yeah. And then they called you the Sperminator.

Cecil Jacobson: [ chuckles ] Well.. I’ll tell you something about Wendy Cohen – she’s my daughter, too! [ laughs ] Okay, who has a birthday today? [ three sons yell out, “Me!” “Me!” “Me!” ] Well, come here, you guys! [ chuckles ] Gosh, you’re all growing up.. Aw, look at you, David! Why, I remember the day you were conceived – I was in my office, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue had just come out, and Elle MacPherson was on the cover. But I was in more of a Paulina mood that day..

Third Son: What about me, Dad?

Cecil Jacobson: Oh, you were an Elle MacPherson.

Fourth Son: How about us?

Cecil Jacobson: Well, that’s an interesting story, uh.. you were a Sear’s catalogue. I had misplaced my Swimsuit Issue.

Fifth Son: How about me, Dad?

Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were a Sear’s catalogue, also. In fact, you two were out of the same vial!

Sixth Son: What about me?

Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were an accident, I was reading Newsweek. I’m still not sure what happened.

Oldest Son: That’s okay. We love you, Dad!

Cecil Jacobson: Aw, why you’re the best kids a fertility doctor could ever trick his patients into having!

Uncle Charlie: [ enters from kitchen ] Holy geez! What’s going on in here??

Cecil Jacobson: Well, what’s wrong, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie: Well, look at this carpet! I just vacuumed it! Geez, you 75 kids, with your 150 shoes on! Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson! Why couldn’t you keep your hands out of your pants!

Cecil Jacobson: Now, come on, Charlie! It’s perfectly natural.

Uncle Charlie: Don’t you “natural”, me! I like to spank it as much as the next guy, but I don’t go aiming into a test tube!

Jingle: “When you’re a sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
It makes me mad when people say
I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,
who was running to go fight in another fight,
away from the first fight.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble
of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks,
then the guy at Marineland says,
“You can’t throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.”
Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them!
Man, wise up.

SNL Transcripts

Unforgivable: Natalie Cole

Natalie Cole…..Ellen Cleghorne
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Tim Meadows
Young Elvis…..Rob Schneider
Ethel Merman…..Julia Sweeney
Mama Cass…..Chris Farley
Tammy Wynette…..Melanie Hutsell
Judy Garland…..Mike Myers
Old Elvis…..John Goodman

Announcer: She swept the Grammys with her unforgettable album “Unforgettable”. Now she returns with a new album, “Unforgettable: Natalie Cole Sings With all Her Dad’s Dead Old Friends”.

[ show Natalie Cole in front of old video of Sammy Davis, Jr. ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: “I knew a man Bojangles and he’d dance for you,
In worn out shoes.” (in worn out shoes)
“With silver hair, a ragged shirt, and baggy pants
The old soft shoe. (the old soft show)
Mr. Bojangles (Mr. Bojangles)
Mr. Bojangles (Mr. Bojangles)
Mr. Bojangles (Mr. Bojangles)
dance!”

Announcer: And, enjoy Natalie with the Young Elvis.

Young Elvis: “It’s now or never (it’s now)
come hold me tight (come hold)
Kiss me my darling (kiss)
be mine tonight (be..)
Tomorrow will be too late (too..)
it’s now or never (oh..)
My love won’t wait. (won’t wait!)”

Announcer: And..

Ethel Merman: “There’s no business like show business
Like no business I know!”

Announcer: Also..

Mama Cass: “Say “nighty-night” and kiss me (kiss)
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me (you’ll miss me)
And in your dreams, whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me!”

Announcer: And, of course, the legendary Tammy Wynette.

Tammy Wynette: Hey! I am not dead! (I am not dead)
This is how rumors gets started! (this is how rumors get started)
Cut it out, bitch! (cut it out, bitch)

Announcer: Order now, and you’llalso receive this special collection – Natalie Cole Sings With People Who Died From A Drug Overdose.

Judy Garland: “Forget your troubles, come on, get happy!
You better chase all your cares away.
Sing hallelujah come on, get happy
Get ready for the judgment day!”

Announcer: And, of course, the king of them all – the big Old Elvis.

Old Elvis: “On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’
A poor little baby child is born
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)
And his mama cries (and his mama cries)
’cause if there’s one thing that she don’t need
it’s another little hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)
(In the ghetto)”

Announcer: Call now, operators are standing by.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 14th, 1992

John Goodman

Garth Brooks

None

Garth Brooks, “The River”

>Star Trek Democrats

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

John Goodman’s Monologue

Unforgivable

Natalie Cole (Ellen Cleghorne) records duet album with deceased performers.

Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis, Jr., Elvis.

My 75 Kids

Sperm doctor Cecil Jacobson (Goodman) is forced into sitcom with illegitimate children.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Feeding drumsticks to dolphins.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Recurring Characters: Cirroc.

Garth Brooks performs “Rodeo”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Cajunman (Adam Sandler) relates his Spring Break experiences to Kevin Nealon.

Ed McMahon (Phil Hartman) is enthuiastic during wedding to Pamela (Beth Cahill).

Recurring Characters: Cajunman, Ed McMahon.

Theatre Stories

Anton Mesrobian: Dermotologist

Garth Brooks performs “The River”

Schlomo Fuchs

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Running like an angry rabbit.

Caesar’s Sauna

Stranger (Goodman) in ancient Roman sauna overhears Caeser assassination plans.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Being sprayed by a golden skunk.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 14

91n: Roseanne & Tom Arnold / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Grumpy Old Man…..Dana Carvey

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m presently recovering from an attempted triple lutz.

Our top story: Pat Buchanan has predicted that President Bush will now deploy all the kings horses and all the kings men to defeat him in the upcoming primaries. Bush seized upon the analogy and angrily retorted ‘hey diddle did, the cat and the fiddle’.

Now our lead story. In the New Hampshire primary, Paul Tsongas beat the other democrats on Tuesday night with 34% of the vote. Although that was an important victory, Tsongas is already being compared to Michael Dukakis and will have to campaign vigorously to prove he’s not another geek- uh Greek from Massachusetts.

And now our top leading story. Democratic hopeful Tom Harkin ended up in the National Primary with 10% of the vote. Harkin said if he had just gotten 80% of the vote, it would have been a totally different primary.

Meanwhile an exit poll indicates that 94% of all exits are used by people leaving buildings. The other 6% were used by confused people looking for the entrance.

Until Wednesday, president Bush had refused to say president Bush’s name in public, referring to him his challenger as ‘the other guy’. Bush changed his practice after voters came under the impression that he was running against Gene Siskel.

At a campaign rally this week, president Bush responded to a question about Pat Buchanan by saying simply, ‘Buchanan, hey, I got your Buchanan right here!’ [pointing to his crotch].

Well the senate passed a new energy bill this week intended to find alternative fuel sources that could possibly bring out some sort of charisma in Paul Tsongas. We’ll see how that goes.

CIA director Robert Gates announced today that he plans to make public secret files on the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Weekend Update has already obtained one of the files. [screen shows file will all words black out, except ‘Oswald’] This document seems to confirm the warrant commissions findings that Oswald did act alone.

This week ‘Time’ magazine reveals that former president Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II formed a secret alliance in 1982 to help save Poland’s outlawed solidarity movement. The Pope and Reagan were often referred to by insiders as ‘forgive and forget’.

Salman Rushdie, still in hiding since his Islamic death sentence, has announced he’ll marry for the third time. Must be tough being married to him, I’ll say. [impersonating Rushdie’s wife] We never go out! We never go out! You don’t take me anywhere!

Sex advisors Masters and Johnson are getting divorced after 21 years of marriage. But the couple says the split is merely based on differences in the goals each has in the balance of their lives. It’s a condition more commonly knowns as the ‘he still wants to, she doesn’t’ syndrome.

In a related story, Johnson and Johnson, the famous shampoo couple are calling it quits. A messy fight is expected for custody of the baby shampoo.

A US nuclear submarine collided with a Russian nuclear sub last week near the Arctic Circle. Paramount studios already plans to turn the action into a feature film called ‘Das Booboo’.The damage was minor compared to a very messy collision several years ago between a US sub and an Italian sub with everything on it.

Environmentalists report that the slime and sludge currently polluting the waters of New York harbor are actually due to the leaking implants installed in the Statue of Liberty during a recent renovation.

You know, I had a laugh this morning…

A wallet that belonged to George Washington stolen last month from a New Jersey museum was returned to police this week. The wallet contained only a small portrait of the late president and was worth about a dollar.

Well, Austrailia won the gold metal in the Olympic 4 men bobsled races held today in Alberville, France. Let’s take a look at that exciting winning run right now. [screen shows video of bobsled racing for a few seconds, from a fans perspective] There they go. That was a $45 ticket by the way, very exciting.

The US, seemed disappointed with the results yesterday, traded Hershel Walker to the unified team for a case of vodka and a Serb to be named later.

Here with more on the subject is our Grumpy Old Man. Grumpy.

Grumpy Old Man: Yeah, I’m a grumpy old man and I don’t like things compared to the way they used to be. Nowadays they got a thing called the winter Olympics with all their modern and safe equipment- who needs it? Progress- flibody flabody floobody flaboslash. In my day, we didn’t have these fancy new skis. In my day we’d find an avalanche, pull out the corpses, strap ‘em to our ferr and go flyin down the mountain, yellin ‘look at me, I’m ridin dead people!’. Whoopee! It was a thing of beauty I tell ya. Nowadays if you win an event, they give you a gold metal. Phooey! In my day, if you won they have you a rotten piece of stinkin wood. If you got the bronze, they’d slam steel spikes through your feet. And you’d scream ‘but I won’t lose again’. Course you won’t, you won’t walk again, hee hee hee! Oh it was beautiful. In my day, we’d compete. One vent was ‘freeze your lips through the freezing metal pole’. Whoever pryed their moth off the pole first won. The winner would look like a bleeding lipless idiot holdin a stinkin piece of wood with spikes through his feet sayin ‘look at me, I’m a freak, and I love it!’. Oh it was glorious. Where did it all go wrong? Why God why? Why God all mighty Jehovah answer me, why? Why? Why?

Kevin Nealon: Thank you Grumpy. What a grump.

The hat worn by Oswald killer Jack Ruby has sold at auction for $12,000. While the price was respectable, the hat didn’t bring as much as the legendary Ruby slippers, which went for nearly $100,000.

Michael Jackson returned from Africa after getting in trouble for touching his nose. Local residents thought he was saying ‘they smelled bad’. Michael apologized and said he’ll try to break the nose habit and go back to more familiar territory. [screen shows picture of Jackson grabbing his crotch]

You know, there’s a big, big world out there filled with millions of people, and at any given moment, you just might be one of them.

This week, Heraldo Rivera had fat cells from his behind implanted in his head to remove wrinkles. That would make him a butthead wouldn’t it? Well in turn he also had fat cells removed from his brain to get the wrinkles out of his ass.

In tragic news today, Elroy Jetson of the famed Jetson family was arrested for armed robbery. Elroy and an unidentified masked accomplice walked into a bank and said, ‘rand rover rour money’.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Dick Clark’s Receptionist

Michael Tassoni…..Kevin Nealon
Receptionist…..David Spade
…..Roseanne Arnold
Elderly Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Jesus…..Phil Hartman

[ open on the Reception Area of Dick Clark Studios, his Receptionist sitting behind a desk reading a book and paying attention mainly to himself ]

Michael Tassoni: [ enters ] Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: Okay, and you are..?

Michael Tassoni: Michael Tassoni.

Receptionist: And this is regarding..?

Michael Tassoni: Mr. Clark is buying a few custom made suits from our company, and he asked me if I would stop by today and take his measurements.

Receptionist: Right.. so you don’t have an appointment.

Michael Tassoni: Well.. no, not really.. I mean he..

Receptionist: Okay.. if you could just have a seat.

Michael Tassoni: But..

Receptionist: [ whispering ] Thanks.

[ Roseanne Arnold enters, and attempts to walk past the Receptionist into Dick Clark’s office ]

Receptionist: Uh, uh, hi! Hello!

Roseanne Arnold: Oh, hi. I’m here to see Dick.

Receptionist: And you are..?

Roseanne Arnold: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?

Receptionist: No, ma’am.

Roseanne Arnold: Roseanne.. Arnold. Ring a bell?

Receptionist: [ not ringing his bell ] And he would know you from..?

Roseanne Arnold: Maybe from my own show that happens to be Number One in the Nielsens.

Receptionist: Right.. and is that some sort of contest or something? I don’t..

Roseanne Arnold: Are you seriously this stupid? I have myown TV show – like Bill Cosby.

Receptionist: Right.. and he is..?

Roseanne Arnold: A TV star, like me!

Receptionist: TV?

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah, you know, TV, where an electron gun sends eletron particles out of a cathode-ray tube and they travel over the airwaves to a satellite, then back down to earth in a rectangular box that unscrambles them so people can stare at them?

Receptionist: I’m no stranger to sarcasm.

Roseanne Arnold: Listen, peewee, forty million people see me every Tuesday night.

Receptionist: I only watch PBS. Please forgive me. I’m sure you’re very famous, and if you could just have a seat, it won’t be long.

Roseanne Arnold: Don’t talk down to me, you little tick, or I’ll throw you back on the mangy dog’s ass you jumped off of!

Receptionist: Using that tone won’t get you in any faster. I suggest you wait your turn. Now, do you need a parking validation, or..

Roseanne Arnold: NO! [ angrily plops down next to MichaelTassoni, and lights a cigarette ]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and not smoke? Thanks.

Roseanne Arnold: [ to Michael Tassoni ] This guy gets under my skin like a chigger.

Receptionist: Uh.. I heard that.

Roseanne Arnold: [ bitchy ] Good!

[ an Elderly Woman enters, stands very emotional, near tears, in front of the Receptionist’s desk ]

Elderly Woman: Excuse me.. this is very hard for me. I’m Dick Clark’s biological mother. I gave Richard up for adoption when he was three weeks old, and not a day goes by when it doesn’t tear me apart inside, not knowing if I made the right decision. I know he’s spent years looking for me, and I’m finally ready to see him. I have an aching void inside me, and seeing his face is the only thing that could..

Receptionist: I’m sorry, I was on the phone, did you have a question?

Elderly Woman: No, I’m sorry.. this was a bad idea..

Receptionist: No, no. You can stay. But can I ask you a favor?Would you be a dove and wait over there for him? [ waves his hands toward the others ] We like to keep this area clear. Thanks.

[ Elderly Woman sits down near the others ]

Roseanne Arnold: [ struts over to the Receptionist’s desk ] By the way, I just made your whole year’s salary while I was sitting here. Just thought I’d let you know that. [ returns to her seat ]

[ a cloud of smoke appears suddenly – the Son of Man steps out ]

Jesus: Hello, my son.

Receptionist: Hi. And you are..?

Jesus: I am the Lord. I’m here to get on the airwaves that Richard Clark controls to tell the world I have come back as I promised.

Receptionist: Now.. did you have an appointment, or..?
Jesus: My son, don’t you recognize Me from the Bible?

Receptionist: I’m not a big reader. If you could just have a seat.

Jesus: [ stern ] Listen. Friend..

Receptionist: I know. If you could just have a seat. Thanks.

[ relunctant, Jesus impishly sits down next to the others ]

Roseanne Arnold: [ to Jesus ] Isn’t he the worst?

Jesus: He really is.

Michael Tassoni: Can’t you do something?

Jesus: I will. In a minute.

Receptionist: Threatening me with eternal damnation won’t get you in any faster. [ phone rings ] Dick Clark Productions! And you are..?

[ zoom out to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Roseanne & Tom Arnold’s Monologue

…..Roseanne Arnold
…..Tom Arnold

Roseanne Arnold: It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”, but this time it’s better, because my husband Tom’s co-hosting!

Tom Arnold: Thank you, folks, thank you! You know, there’s probably a lot of people thinking, Oh, great.. Rosie dragged her husband Tom on yet another show.” But that’s not true – I forced her to bring me on another show! Alright! But you gotta admit one thing, folks – I’m a lot cooler than her ex-husband! I mean, that guy was a jerk.

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. Okay, he’s suing me for custody of the kids, you know? So now, I have to go to court and fight him and everything.. ’cause my lawyer says it would look real bad if I don’t. So, what are we gonna talk about on this show?

Tom Arnold: Well, honey, I think we should probably reveal something about ourselves that peole do not know.

Roseanne Arnold: Well.. well, we can’t talk about all the diets we went on.

Tom Arnold: Yeah. Because we did that on “Oprah”.

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. And, besides, we’re already gaining all that weight back.

Tom Arnold: Yeah. So did Oprah, though! So.. You know, we could talk about the big house we’re building in Iowa, with the olympic-sized pool and the bowling alley, and..

Roseanne Arnold: No, we already talked about that on “Larry King Live”.

Tom Arnold: I thought that was “Arsenio” we talked about that..?

Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Arsenio”, we talked about our kids being in a mental hospital.

Tom Arnold: No, no.. that was on “Sonya Live”.

Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Sonya Live” was when you talked about throwing my ex-husband over the hood of his car.

Tom Arnold: Oh, yeah! [ laughs ] That was funny! He’s suing us now, right?

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah.

Tom Arnold: Yeah.. Hey, let’s talk about me selling stories to the Enquiere for drug money!

Roseanne Arnold: No.. we already ralked about that on “Good Morning, America”.

Tom Arnold: Yeah..

Roseanne Arnold: Hey, I’ve got one! How about that time we hired those hoodlums to beat up them photographers!

Tom Arnold: No, no.. we went over that on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”.

Roseanne Arnold: [ pause to think ] We went on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”?

Tom Arnold: Yeah! You remember that night we had nothing to do, and we were like driving around, and we saw a light on at this little tiny TV studio?

Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. Hey, you know, maybe our therapist is right – she said we don’t need to expose anything about ourselves, and people will still like us!

Tom Arnold: [ thinking ] Ah.. we’d better, we’d better make something up! [ thinks ] I’m gay!

Roseanne Arnold: No, you’re not!

Tom Arnold: Yeah.. you remember we went on “Geraldo”, and I talked about it?

Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. oh, I’m gay, too! Well, we’ve got a really great show..

Tom Arnold: Yes, a great show! We’ve got the Red Hot Chili Peppers!

Roseanne Arnold: And we’ll be right baaaaaaaaccckkkk!!

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Contrary to what most people say,
the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.
It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back,
just trampling and eating everything they see.

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Liz…..Madonna
Liz’a Mother…..Roseanne Arnold
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..Adam Sandler

Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richman. First of all, I want to say “Happy Birthday” to my daughter, Robin – “Happy Birthday, Bubala.” Now, this show used to be hosted by my friend Paul Baldwin, but he developed shpilkes in his geneckte gezeugte. For now, he’s in Boca Raton, Florida, recovering, thank you very much. This is my best friend, Liz Rosenberg.

[ camera pans to Liz ]

Liz: Linda, don’t talk to me, I’m having a bad hair day. By the way, this is my mother.. [ camera pans to Liz’s Mother ] ..she’s visiting from Scottsdale.

Liz’s Mother: I live in Scottsdale for my health. I have troublewith my, uh.. woman’s problem, and I’m gassy. But don’t worry, I promise I won’t say anything, I’ll sit here in the dark like a dog!

Liz: Mommala, no one wants to hear how gassy you are! [ to Linda ] You don’t know the sirus I’ve had with woman! Dr. Kevorkian, you can expect a call from me anytime!

Linda Richman: Okay. Now, this show is dedicated, as ever, toBarbra Joan Streisand. Yes. We love her. And, of course, the big news – “Prince of Tides”. 7 Oscar nominations total, including Best Picture. But Barbra did not get a nomination for Best Director.

Liz: Long story short – I love “Prince of Tides”. It wasto die for! And to think a poor little mescite from Brooklyn made this masterpiece, and she’s not getting any recognition for it.. [ near tears ] I’m sorry, but I get a little choked up!

Linda Richman: Please! Do not get me started. It’s so unfair!Now I’m getting emotional, I’m a little verklempt!

Liz: You’re verklempt? I’m verklempt!

Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves! [ pause ]There. It passed.

Liz’s Mother: You know, I once knew this guy who had a gall bladder thing.. he passed out, and it exploded! It happened, you know?

Liz: Mommala, shh!

Liz’s Mother: Fine! I’ll sit over in the corner and eat wetcigarette butts.

Liz: Mommala, please stop complaining! [ to Linda ] Can youbelieve this woman! I know she’s my mother, I shouldn’t say this.. but I’m going to her condo now, and it’s starting to smell from old lady!

Linda Richman: Okay, let’s take a call. The number is 555-4444.Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. Call! We’ll talk, no big whoop!

Caller #1: Hello, Linda? Did you see Barbra on “Larry King Live”?

Linda Richman: Yes, I did. A full hour of Barbra, it was likeheroin! Not that I know what it’s like, it’s what I understand it’slike on “20/20”.

Liz: Yes! Barbra was so beautiful in the movie. Did you see her nails? They were like butter!

Linda Richman: Butter! Like butter! Those legs in those sparkling stockings – again, butter! Welcome to “Coffee Talk”, the number is 555-4444.

Caller #2: Hello, Linda? I just wanted to say I love your show!

Linda Richman: Thank you very much. You’re a beatiful person.Don’t go changing just to please me, I’ll tumble for you. Go on.

Liz: So funny, you are!

Linda Richman: Did you see Barbra on “60 Minutes”?

Linda Richman: Yes, I did. Ugh! That Mike Wallace was not verynice to her.

Liz: What he did to her, I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy’s dog – poof, poof!

Liz’s Mother: Well, what about what you do to me, telling me toshut up all the time? You’re just like your father – he tells me to shut up all the time, and then.. then he runs away with some young magician’s assistant!

Liz: He ran away because you wouldn’t stop talking already!

Liz’s Mother: P.S. That’s what Hitler said to me and our peopleduring the two wars!

Liz: P.S., Mommala, you lived in Miami during the two wars! You’re driving everyone crazy! You drove your husband crazy, and now you’re driving me crazy!

Liz’s Mother: [ crying ] You’re right.. it was all me!

Liz: Oh, I forgive you, Mommala! I love you, Mommala!

Liz’s Mother: I love you!

[ they hug ]

Linda Richman: This is so “Prince of Tides”! The scene where Nick Nolte reconciles with Kate Nelligan – now I’m getting verklempt!

Liz: We’re all verklempt!

Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The Romanesque church design was based on a Roman basillica. Discuss. [ pause ] Okay. There. I feel better.

Liz: Me, too. Thanks, God, for waterproof Lancomb.

Liz’s Mother: Hey! I want to take a call! Welcome to “CoffeeTalk”, who’s this? Hello? Hello, talk.

Caller #3: Hello, Linda? I think Barbra should do a duet withMadonna.

Liz: Ech! I don’t like that Madonna – she’s a kulver! She’s a tramp! Every week with a different boyfriend! And this week, in the paper with no clothes on – ech! Who needs her?

Linda Richman: Still, that’s some body she has. You should have that body. Did you see her legs? They’re like butter! Like two sticks of butter lashed together in a roughhewn manner.

Liz: Kulver!

Liz’s Mother: [ coughs up hairball ] So new, I hear Madonna’s aMexican, but she doesn’t want anyone to know about it, I read it in theStar!

Liz: Please, don’t listen to my mother. I love her, but she’s alittle ibaboodle in the capi..

Linda Richman: Relax. Relax, darlin, we’re all mishputka. Alright. Well, that’s all the time we have this week. My name is Linda Richman.

Liz: And my name is Liz – of course, this is my mother. Barbra,we love you – hello, gorgeous! The movie was like butter!

Linda Richman: Like butter.

Liz’s Mother: Like a big stick of butter!

Liz: Mommala! Oy!

[ Barbra Streisand sneaks unsuspectingly onto the set ]

Barbra Streisand: All this talk about food, I’m getting hungry,girls!

[ Linda, Liz, and Liz’s Mother scream in bewildered surprise ]

Linda Richman: Oh, my God! It’s Barbra! It’s Barbra! You’re beatiful! It’s Barbra! Oh! I can die now! Barbra, you’re beautiful! That’s all the time we have, I have to go and die now! Barbra!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts