Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Sodom Chamber of Commerce

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce…..Dan Aykroyd
Mayor Abanasher…..Buck Henry
Ashmore…..John Belushi
Noab…..Bill Murray
Sodomite #1…..Garrett Morris
Fellow Sodomites…..Andy Murphy, Mitchell Laurance
Song and Dance Girls…..Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner

[ open on close-up of Sodom Chamber of Commerce banner, with SUPER: “Sodom, 2003 B.C.” ]

[ pull back to reveal Chamber members talking amongst themselves ]

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: [ banging gavel ] Alright, settle down, gentlemen! Well, as the Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce, it’s always a pleasure to welcome our Mayor. You all know him — he’s a friend, a neighbor, and a great Sodomite. Gentlmen, please welcome Abanasher.

[ the Chamber members applaud as the Mayor rises ]

Mayor Abanasher: Gentlemen, thank you. I’d like to talk to you today about a problem that I consider the most serious problem facing our city. I’ve just returned from a trip that took me all around the Plain of Jordan. I regret to inform that Sodom… has a TERRIBLE reputation. [ the Chamber reacts ] I’m afraid it’s true, gemtlemen. When people of the empire think of Sodom, what’s the first thing that comes to their minds? Sodomy. [ the Chamber members nod ] Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy!

Ashmore: Well, what’s wrong with that? I mean, sodomy is what put us on the map!

[ the Chamber members agree ]

Mayor Abanasher: That’s fine for you to say, Ashmore, because you’re a pharmacist. The point is: I’m the Mayor of this city, and I’m faced with a financial crisis, and every time I go to the government for loans, they say to me, “Why should we give aid to a city so debaucehd and so vile?”

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Vile? What’s vile about sodomy?

Mayor Abanasher: You have no argument from me on that! All I’m saying is that we ought to be concerned about the kind of image we project to out-of-towners. You know, there’s a lot of Samarians and Azarians who are spending their zuzan in Gomorrah. That’s why I’ve invited a guest here tonight — Noab the Hissite. Now, Noah created the campaign to turn Gomorrah around. He’s got some really great ideas, so please hear him out. Gentlemen, I give you… Noab!

[ the Chamber members applaud Noab, as he rises ]

Noab: Thanks, Abanasher! Gentlemen. You know, I was looking over your official city brochure. Now… what kind of city slogan is this: [ reading ] “You have to be crazy to live in Sodom — crazy about sodomy!” Now… if you’re going to attract investment, if you expect to have your bid for the Olympics taken seriously, you’re gonna have to play down the sodomy!

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: “Play down”? Come on! What do you think brings the conventions in here? A guy lookimh for a place he can gamble, practice gluttony, worship a flase idol or two… and have a little sodomy! He automatically thinks of Sodom!

Ashmore: He’s got a point there!

Noab: Alright, now look at Gomorrah, okay? Now, they’re every bit as wicked as you people, but it’s just not the main thrust of their publicity. They emphasize more conventional things. I think Sodom should, too.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Oh, like what?

Noab: Well, like the park. Like the museums. Like your restaurants. LIke your theater district.

Sodomite #1: Oh, yeah… and the human sacrifice!

Noab: No, no, no… You see, people around the empire, they sort of perceive the human sacrifice, not as a civic attraction, but as another one of the wicked things about Sodom!

Ashmore: We don’t want to look like goodie goodies.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: No, Ashmore, you needn’t worry about that. Anyone who’s really interested in sodom, they know to come here — word-of-mouth will take care of that. I think that what Noab is saying is that we don’t have to bend over backwards to advertise it.

Noab: Exactly! Exactly! All we want people to know is that they can come to Sodom, check into a hotel, visit a museum or a gallery in the afternoon, have a nice dinner in a fine restaurant in the evening, and then, if they want it, the sodomy is there.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Gentlemen, Noab tells me that he has conceived a massive publicity campaign for Sodom’s new image.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Alright, Noab, can you give us a sample?

Noab: Alright, gentlemen. I think this is a concept that you’re going to love. [ calling out ] Kids?

[ three Song and Dance girls come out to perform ]

Song and Dance Girls: [ singing ]
“IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!
IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!
IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!”

[ pull back on wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Do Termites Play House?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Samurai TV Repairman

Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, TV Repair shop ]

Mr. Dantley: [ enters shop ] Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please? I need some help.

Announcer: And now, another episode of..

[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]

Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.

Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad I found a shop that was open this late.

Samurai: [ grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: Yes, I know. I’ve gotta have this set fixed. Tonight. So I can watch the Play-Offs tomorrow.

Samurai: [ mimes basketball action ]

Mr. Dantley: That’s right. I’ve got $100 riding on the Bullets. The way I see it, if Unsel can control the boards, and Hays is hitting from the outside.. You see what I mean.

Mr. Dantley: Anyway, look at this thing. I’ve got no sound, and I’ve got no picture.

Samurai: [ plays with tubes ]

Mr. Dantley: Well, what is it?

Samurai: [ opens up TV from the back and points ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah.. just, what, does it need a tube? [ Samurai grunts ] I-I mean, a transistor. I just don’t understand it, it’s.. it’s a relatively new set. See, here’s the Inspector’s tag. Uh.. it doesn’t do me much good to know that the Inspector’s number is, uh.. 68.. because the factory’s all the way in Japan.

Samurai: [ panic grows on face ]

Mr. Dantley: 68? I’d like to get my hands on #68.

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: What?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: Inspector 68 is your mother?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: I don’t know what’s the matter with-

Samurai: [ takes out small dagger and prepares to stab himself in the chest ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, well, wait a minute.. wait a minute.. [ turns tag upside-down ] It’s 89. my mistake.

Samurai: [ relieved, puts dagger away ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway.. the point is, I’ve really gotta have it fixed by tomorrow, because.. I’ve got everything ready for tomorrow. You know what I mean? I ordered a pizza.. I have some beer in the refrigerator.. my girl is coming over, so..

Samurai: [ slides dagger in and out of holder strpaped around his waist ]

Mr. Dantley: Exactly my point! Anyway.. you mind if I ask you what kind of training you’ve had for this business? I mean, did you go to school for this sort of thing?

Samurai: [ indicates diploma on wall ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Famous TV Repairman’s School of West Port, Connecticut. Black-and-white only. Black-and-white only? Hey, listen, uh.. this is a color set. If you went to that school, what do you know about fixing a color set?

Samurai: [ points to his eyes ]

Mr. Dantley: Your eyes are brown..

Samurai: [ points to skin ]

Mr. Dantley: Your skin is yellow..

Samurai: [ points to kimono ]

Mr. Dantley: Your kimono is blue..

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Well, that’s great. I know what color you are, but what about my set? I’ll tell you – I noticed that sometimes, when I sort of hit the side, the picture will come up.

Samurai: [ taps TV with his fist ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah, a little rap on the side. Just a little.. tap on the side, that’s all.

Samurai: [ screams, throws TV to the floor, then hacks it with a slice from his sword ]

Mr. Dantley: [ alarmed ] Hey, what are you doing to my set?! What kind of way is that to fix it?!

Samurai: [ picks up TV from floor, which now makes a sound, accompanied by scrambled test pattern ]

Mr. Dantley: That’s fantastic! You’ve restored the sound.. but what about the picture? [ Samurai grunts ] Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

Samurai: [ sticks two small Samurai swords through the back of TV, then jiggles until a clear picture appears ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of..

[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]

Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.

[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Has Fantasies Rated G” superimposed in front of her ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Stunt Puppy

Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Schiller
Cheryl…..Gilda Radner
Gwen…..Jane Curtin
Howard…..Buck Henry
Roy…..Garrett Morris

[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]

Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?

Cheryl: Okay!

Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?

Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?

Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?

Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?

Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!

Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!

Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?

Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]

Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?

Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]

Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…

Howard: Yes, yes!

Director: You hate your wife…

Howard: Uh-huh!

Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: And you hate her.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: Because she’s spoiled.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.

Howard: Gotcha, right!

Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?

Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.

Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…

Roy: Ah!

Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?

Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?

Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!

[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]

Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!

Cheryl: Ohhh, please?

Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!

Cheryl: NO!!

Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.

[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]

Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!

Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!

Cheryl: I don’t wanna!

Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!

Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!

Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!

Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!

Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!

Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]

Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]

Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]

Director: CUUUUUTTT!!

[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]

Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!

[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]

Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.

Howard: Good!

Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.

Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!

Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?

Roy: Oh, sure!

[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]

Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?

Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!

[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]

Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

[ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]

Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!

Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]

Director: Cuuuutt! Cuuuut! Beautiful, Howard! Beautiful!

Howard: Thanks, everybody! Thank you!

Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?

[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]

Roy: He’s alright!

Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.

Howard: Brian! Terrific!

[ they shake hands, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

The Olympia Cafe

Written by: Don Novello

Sandy … Laraine Newman
George … Dan Aykroyd
Nico … Bill Murray
Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi
Female Customer … Gilda Radner
Male Customer … Garrett Morris
Fussy Eater … Jane Curtin
Al … Buck Henry
Extra … Tom Schiller

[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook,flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound ofplates clattering. Pull back to reveal The OlympiaRestaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy,the waitress, leans over the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip!Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis,approaches one of his regular customers who sits atthe counter.]

Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?

Female Customer: I think I’ll have the usual, Pete.

Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!

Nico: Chip!

Pete: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading anewspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]

Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill onthis coffee?

Pete: No.

Male Customer: Hey, man, I can’t have a refill ofcoffee, man?

Pete: Too late!

Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh,you should have asked for the refill while you werestill eating the cheeseburger. They don’t give refillswhen you’re done eating.

Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I’ll pay forthe second cup of coffee.

Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on,let’s go!

Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I justwanna read the article–

Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! Youwanna read? Get out of here!

Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!

Pete: Beat it! Come on!

[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up thesale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress,approaches the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! TwoPepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay,what are you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Um, I’ll have a fried egg sandwich.

Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?

Pete: Good.

Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are theycooked?

Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?

Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in thebasement is loose again.

Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!

[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet offthe wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scenewith Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barelyunderstands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to anextra seated at the counter.]

Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just haveburgers here? [Nico doesn’t understand what she’ssaying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you thinkI could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding andsmiling] I could? Aw, good. ‘Cause I just read anarticle that said that meat cooked on a grill causescancer. Did you read that?

Nico: Cheeseburger?

Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It’s cookingthe meat too close to the flame that causes it.

Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nicoaway] Ah, come on, come on, let’s go, get out of here.[to fussy eater] What you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Uh, I’ll have a broiled hamburger.

Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?

Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, wegive you broiled. All right?

Fussy Eater: Okay, I’ll have a broiled hamburger, well done.

Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters thediner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]

Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I’m Al fromRent-a-Doberman.

Pete: What?

Al: [distinctly] I’m from Lease-a-Doberman.

Pete: Ah! Eh?

Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, saidthey wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.

Pete: How much?

Al: Well, it’s like I tried to tell ya on the phone,it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hoursper night you want him for. [looks around] I shouldthink a place like this, uh, would need only one dog.What time do you, uh – What time do you close?

Pete: Eleven o’clock.

Al: What time do you open?

Pete: Five.

Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pickhim up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobodycan come in here between those hours without gettinghis arm bit off.

Pete: All right. How much?

Al: Just a minute, I’ll figure it out. [takes pencilfrom behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]

Pete: All right.

Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn’t,uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico whohears his name mentioned and wonders what’s going on]

Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait aminute. Nobody’s gonna be able to sleep around nohungry Dobie. [laughs] We don’t feed ’em much, keeps’em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]

Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to thefemale customer] Somebody broke in next door. I needprotection, you know?

Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?

Pete: Who’s afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.

Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you’regoing to fire Nico?

Pete: No. [decisively] Now!

Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who’s going to tell him he’s fired?

Pete: You. You tell him.

Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]

Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don’t youtell him he’s fired?

George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turnsback to the grill]

Pete: All right, all right. I’ll tell him. [to aconfused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apronoff Nico and pushes him to the front door of thediner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nicoout] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who hasignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes noteson his pad. In the background, Nico’s forlorn faceappears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]

Pete: Hm?

Al: Huh?

Pete: How much?

Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you.We’d be making a special pick-up at that time of themorning. I–

Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him tocome back in] Come on.

[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives himback his apron.]

Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.

Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico andpushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!

[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly andresumes his place outside the diner window, peering inforlornly, as Pete listens to Al’s proposal.]

Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old GermanShepherds I’m having some problems with. I’ll put themboth in here. I’ll only charge you forty-five dollars.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: [irritated] There’s no way I can put two dogs inhere for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that muchjust to feed ’em.

Pete: Uhhhh… Twenty-two.

Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I’m sorry.Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If youchange your mind, here’s my card. [hands Pete abusiness card and exits the diner]

Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nicoenters hesitantly, unsure of Pete’s intentions] Comeon. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return totheir places behind the counter] All right. [to femalecustomer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussyeater] Huh? You got it?

[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]

Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. Thischeeseburger wasn’t broiled. I just saw him take itoff the grill.

Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject]What to drink?

Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiledhamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.

Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on,come on, come on.

Fussy Eater: I’m afraid if I order a Coke, I’ll get a Pepsi.

Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.

Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn’t payingattention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabsa menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico withit] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!

Nico: [wearily] Pepsi…

Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[Applause. Zoom in on the grill as George throws downa series of burger patties.]

[pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Double Entendre New Testament”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Nixon’s Book

Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Gerard Wagner…..Garrett Morris
Ron Quinn…..Brian Doyle Murray

[ Former President Richard Nixon addresses an audience ]

Richard Nixon: Good evening. Some of you know me – some of you may not. Anyway, from the years 1969 to 1974, I was President of the United States. Now, when I was President, I did some bad things.. that made people hate me. I left that executive office under scandalous circumstances, and went on to write a big book about it. But everybody hates me so much, they’re not buying the book. In fact, in Washington now, they have a lobby.. [ pulls out anti-Nixon T-shirt ] ..”Don’t Buy Books by Crooks”. Well.. when I lost the race for Governor of California in 1962, I recall the saying, “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore!” Well, that phrase caught on, and people seemed to like it. As things turned out, you don’thave Dick Nixon to kick around anymore. But now, you have my book! So, if you hate me, buy the book and kick it around! Yet, you don’t have to read it, although I originally wrote it to be read. Just buy it – give it a boot! Really! If you’re mad at me, kick the book around the house for an hour or two! Why, Pat’s already on her fourth copy! Now, here’s the book.. [ holds it up ] ..”RN”. That doesn’t stand for “Registered Nurse”! [ laughs ] $19.95. And that’s something they slipped by me – I thought the President would only get $12 or $14, but I got the first copy and there it was – $19.95. $19.95! The publisher sleazed it right by me. Anyway, buy the book. Now, think about how hard you’d kick me if we ever met, and just put the boots to ’em.

[ stands up ] Let me make this even more clear.. I’ve asked two members of my San Clemente, United States Marine Corp. Honor Guard to assist me. Chorusman Gerard Wagner.. [ points to Gerard ] ..Chorusman Ron Quinn.. [ points at Ron, then walks in front of the desk ] Do you think I’m a crook? Take it out on the book! [ kneels, placing book on tip of his extended foot ] Chorusmen! [ whistle blows ] Place kick, please! [ Gerard kicks the book into the audience ]

“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Nerds Prom Night

Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd…..Bill Murray
Mr. DiLaBounta…..Buck Henry

[ open on Lisa Loopner playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa, you look so lovely.

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Loopner: Now, before Todd gets here to take you to the Prom, I thought we’d take a moment to have a little heart-to-heart. You know, just mother to daughter.

Lisa Loopner: Okee-dokee.

[ they sit on the couch ]

Mrs. Loopner: Lisa, you’ve blossomed into quite a beauty. You know, sometimes when we go to the Shop-Rite, I see the checkers staring at you..

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, that’s just your imagination!

Mrs. Loopner: No, Lisa. You’re not a little girl anymore, and you have to be aware of the effect you have on the male of the species. Now, take Todd, for instance. When that perfectly nice young man sets his eyes on you in that get-up, his hormones are gonna go berserk.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mo-o-o-om, I don’t like Todd in that way!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, you don’t have to like someone to love them, Lisa. Your father.. the late Mr. Loopner..

Together: God rest his soul..

Mrs. Loopner: ..your father and I never liked each other. But our love triumphed over our mutual dislike – I did my wifely duty, and you’re the living proof of that!

Lisa Loopner: Mom, you don’t have to worry about me going all the way with Todd. I’m saving myself for my one true love – Marvin Hamlisch.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, he’s cute. Now, listen, what I’m about to say is very hard for me to say. Lisa, dear.. making a baby is like.. it’s um.. it’s like making egg salad. You, the woman, produce the eggs, and the man furnishes the mayonnaisse – of course, you don’t need chopped celery for.. oh, I’ve just given you my egg salad recipe, and I was saving that for your 21st birthday..

Lisa Loopner: Mom, I know the facts of life! You know, I got an A in Health! [ doorbell rings ] Oh! It’s him!

Mrs. Loopner: [ checks her watch ] Well, half an hour early – on the button. That’s our Todd!

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Don’t let him in until I get upstairs!

Mrs. Loopner: Okay.

[ Lisa runs upstairs, as Mrs. Loopner answers the door to let Todd and Mr. DilaMuca inside ]

Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner. You’ve met my chauffeur – Marshall “Dad” DiLaBounta.

Mrs. Loopner: Hello, Marshall!

Mr. DiLaBounta: Always a pleasure, Enid!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, don’t we look handsome, Todd!

Todd: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mr. DiLaBounta: [ striking a disco pose ] John Travolta, watch out! [ laughs ]

[ the three of them sit ]

Mr. DiLaBounta: So. Where’s the Belle of the Ball?

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, she’s upstairs making herself beautiful!

[ Lisa enters ]

Mr. DiLaBounta: Va-va-va-boom!

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Di-La-Bounta!

Todd: Well, since we seem to be handing out compliments.. that’s a stunning housecoat you’re wearing, Mrs. Loopner.

Mrs. Loopner: Why, thank you, Todd!

Mr. DiLaBounta: It’s not hard to see where Lisa gets her good looks!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, but don’t let my daughter here you say that! Can I get anyone a beverage? Marshall, would you come out and help me?

Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, sure.. let’s us old fogies leave the young folks alone!

[ they both laugh as they retreat to the kitchen. Todd and Lisa sit on the couch. ]

Todd: Well.. you look nice, I guess..

Lisa Loopner: So do you.

Todd: Here. I got you this. [ hands her a box ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, thanks, Todd. [ opens box ] Oh, this is really beautiful, Todd!

Todd: It’s a wrist corsage. You put it on your wrist. And this is your graduation gift from me. [ hands her a small package ]

Lisa Loopner: Really? [ opens gift, sending springy snakes shooting out – she screams ]

Todd: Aaagghhh!! Noogie Patrol! [ pulls Lisa over and pounds noogies into her head ] Here’s those special Prom Noogies that you ordered! You sent away for those, didn’t you?

Lisa Loopner: Quit it, Pizza Face! You’re messing up my hair! Boy, are you ever immature!

Todd: Say, uh, are they any new developments? [ peeks down her blouse ] No, I guess not! Say, you oughtta really put some band-aids on those mosquito bites you got there!

Lisa Loopner: That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh!

[ Mr. DiLaBounta and Mrs. Loopner re-enter with some glasses of Tang ]

Lisa Loopner: You know, Marshall, as a single parent, I’ve had to be both a mother and father to Lisa.

Todd: You’ve done a terrific job, Mrs. Loopner.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, thank you, Todd!

Mr. DiLaBounta: Uh, Enid.. I hope this isn’t indelicate, but.. [ picks his nose ] ..how did Mr. Loopner pass away?

Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. he was born without a spine. It was always just a matter of time.

Mr. DiLaBounta: What did he do for a living?

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, didn’t you know? He invented the Slinky.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah.. unfortunately, he didn’t call it the Slinky, and he didn’t patent it. But he sued the Slinky people for $5 million.. and lost.

[ they laugh ]

Todd: Good Tang!

Mr. DiLaBounta: Prom Night! Prom Night! I envy you kids. I know I’ll never forget my Senior Prom. The theme was “From Here To Fraternity”. [ laughs ]

Todd: Ours is “Close Encounters of the Prom Kind.”

Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, hey, kids, how about a picture? [ takes out his camera ] As Todd knows, I’m something of a shutterbug.

[ Todd and Lisa stand up for the picture, Todd holding bunny ears behind Lisa’s head as the picture is snapped ]

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, I saw that, Todd! 40 lashes with a wet noodle! [ laughs, checks watch ] Oh, I don’t want my little girl to turn into a pumpkin even before she’s gotten to the ball.

Mr. DiLaBounta: That’s why I’m here! Have car, will travel!

Todd: To the Prom, to the Prom, Prom, Prom!

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom.. gee, I wish you’d come with us.

Mr. DiLaBounta: Sure! Come on with us!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. well, I would love to sneak a peek at those Prom decorations you kids worked so hard on.. [ takes out two hairwraps ] Well, I know it’s not raining, Lisa, but better safe than sorry.. [ Lisa takes one and puts it on ]

Lisa Loopner: Okay, let’s go! [ singing ] “Staying alive! Staying alive!” I want to sit in the front seat!

Todd: No, you’re sitting in the back!

[ Mrs. Loopner turns off the houselights, then closes the front door and heads for the car ]

[ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Joy Of Debauchery” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Mr. Mike’s Least Loved Music

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Mike…..Michael O’ Donoghue
Vampire…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Mr. Mike singing “Baby Ghouls” ]

Mr. Mike: [ singing ]
“Some like it hot,
Some like it cold,
Some like it in the grave
Nine years old.

Look out for the baby ghouls;
They’re breaking all the rules.
Look out, look out, you fools, for the baby ghouls.

They’ll ask for a candy bar,
Show their appendix scar,
Ride in your fancy car on their way to school.
They’re driving you insane,
Gobbling up your brain,
Playing out in the rain by the swimming pool.”

[ Vampire is seen next to him, translating his spoken interlude into sign language ]

Mr. Mike: I was driving down Route 17, saw this little girl hitchhikerand I picked her up, and I noticed that when she crossed her legs I could seemy face reflected in her black patent leather shoes. Well, we were drivingfor a while when she turns to me and says, “Hey Mister, hey mister I likeyour flesh, let’s you and me go park.” And I say, “How about Lover’s Lane?”and she says, “No let’s go to the cemetery, no one will bother us there.”And so we drive to the cemetery, and I’m laying on the grass and telling herwhat pretty.. red.. lips she has. She replies, “Mama says no lipstick, so wedip our lips in blood.” and I look up at the tombstone, and on it, is carved,my own.. name!

Mr. Mike: [ continues singing ]
“One morning, you wake up dead.
Teddy Bear by your bed.
They wanna give you headstones, the Baby Ghouls.
Blood stains on the party dress,
Little white gloves a mess,
Look out for the pre-pubess of the Baby Ghouls.
Look out for the pre-pubess of the Baby Ghouls.
Look out for the pre-pubess..”
[ Vampire sneaks up behind him and bites him on the neck ]
“..Of the Baby Ghouls.”

[ Mr. Mike is fading, while blood comes out of vampire’s mouth ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Buck Henry!

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much! It is VERY nice to be be back here, and an HONOR to be back here for the LAST show of the Third Season of this EXTRAORDINARY show. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ] I, uh — I did the last show of last season, and, uh, I sometimes… I suppose you’ve wondered — and I’ve wondered — why I’m back again to do the last show of this season, because, I mean, they have some quite incredible hosts. Last week was Richard Dreyfuss, the winner of an Academy Award; a few weeks before was Steve Martin, perhaps the fastest rising young comic of our time… and I think, when you really come down to it — and I say this, I think, without any false sense of pride or modesty that what it probably is, is that the “Saturday Night Live” accepts the fact that, from me, they gain a sense of — what shall I call it? — class. I mean, after all, I have been, for the last year or so, working on a major motion picture called “Heaven Can Wait”, with some quite extraordinary people. I’ve been with them for a year. Uh — James Mason, Julie Christie, and my good friend and producer of the film and star of the film and co-director of the film… Mr. Warren Beatty, who has become a real pal of mine, a real friend, and a wonderful, wonderful guy to work with. Uh, I mean… we’ve been, we’ve been together now for almost… I guess for a year now. And Julie Christie has been with us, too, and she’s a wonderful girl and I could tell you terrific stories about her, if I had the time. All of us working together, in this kind of enterprise… I think, doing something as BIG as a picture like this gives my career — and the “Saturday Night” show — a sense of working on something, a persoective of something larger than just a weekly television show. I think the way I live, for instance, the way I live in Hollywood, the way I conduct myself both professionally and in my private life, demands a kind dignity to the show that most guests can’t give it. My home in Hollywood, I think, epitomizes, perhaps, what people like myself… what can I say about it? It’s not garish, but it represents a kind of classiness, and a kind of Hollywood success that most people understand and go for, and perhaps envy a little, and this show certainly can use some of it. I think there are fine people here, and they understand exactly what they’re doing when they asked me to come out here and say some things about them and about myself, and about what kind of person I am and that I deserve to be here. I’ve done this a few times, and I think I’m proud of this time because I know how I’m helping them out of a tight spot, being the last show of the year. And I know Lorne, if he were here, would probably say the same thing because, not only is he my buddy, but because he’s got that same sense of show business, and the same feeling for me and for all of you built in.

[ as Buck talks, the following text SCROLLS up the screen: ]

“Buck doesn’t know Warren Beatty. He doesn’t know Julie Christie, either. He seems to know he’s here now, but clearly he doesn’t know why.

You see, Buck’s career is over. It’s been more than ten years since “The Graduate”. Even David Begelman doesn’t return his calls. This is a tough period for him — burnt out and lonely — what his psychiatrist calls “Mid-Life Crisis”.

It’s sad the way things work out in comedy. One day you’re on top of the heap, the next day you’re trying to convince people you know Warren Beatty.

Buck never married. He lives alone in his small Hollywood apartment — just a few magazines and a telescope. You figure it out. Sure, maybe we should have gotten some big star to do the last show. Some say with NBC in third place in the raings war, we can’t afford to be sentimental.But we believe there are some things more important than ratings — like helping a has-been through a difficult period. But then, that’s the kind of people we are.

Well, we’ve helped him through this. Now it’s up to you the audience, to help him through the rest of the show.

And Warren, if you’re watching, you can help, too. If you see Buck somewhere, and you recognize him, just nod or wave. It will mean an awful lot to him. Remember, the wheel turns, and maybe someday, if your world crumbles, you can go over to Buck’s small apartment and use his telescope.” ]

Buck Henry: So… I wanted to thank you for this opportunity to talk to you, and, uh — we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

More Insects To Worry About

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Russell Bedanza…..Buck Henry

Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome to “More Insects to Worry About”. I’m your host — Joan Face. Tonight’s guest is one of the country’s leading entymologists — Dr. Russell Bedanza.

Dr. Russell Bedanza: It’s very, very nice to be here, Miss Face. I LOVE your show! For me, it’s the omly thing on television worth watching.

Joan Face: Oh, thank you, Dr. Bedanza! You’ve devoted your life to insects — cataloging them, photographing them, even living amongst them as an insect. Now, I ask this of everyone who comes on this show, and if you had to pick one insect out of the whole insect kingdom, that was the biggest threat to the survival of the human species… what would that insect be?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, boy! [ he laughs heartily ] Whoo-hoo-hoo! That’s a tough one! I hate to single one out, when they’re are SO many! Uh — let’s see. There is, of course, the mucus-flinging lawn faggot… uh, MAGGOT! Sorry! UH — the, uh — the common crotch wasp, a tricky little devil… and, uh, the whooping slug.

Joan Face: [ excited ] Oh! Aren’t they the ones that fasten themselves to human eyeball and just suck like there’s no tomorrow?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Exactly! They’re a real nusiance, Miss Face. You actually have to steam them off. But, for a real nightmare insect — make mine the Bedanza Mite.

Joan Face: The Bedanza Mite? Named after you?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: No — I’m named after it.

Joan Face: Well, what makes the Bedanza Mite such a threat?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well… they’re a burrowing mite. His favorite habitat is the human brain. 80% of their body weight is in their mouth parts, so you can very well imagine how VORACIOUSLY they can tongue through that grey matter! [ he chuckles ] They make it look easy!

Joan Face: Well, how do they get in there? Do they gnaw their way through the skull?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, they could if they wanted… but they seem to prefer natural openings, like the mouth, ears, nostrils, tear ducts — any aperature at all. They can’t walk by one without going in.

Joan Face: Well, what do they do once they’re in the brain.

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah! During they day, they excavate; during the night, they scavange — that is, they go out and look for interesting things to bring back inside.

Joan Face: What sort of things?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, whatever’s close at hand. Usually, things found on the host’s night table: loose change, ticket stubs, breath mints…

Joan Face: Generally, small things?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah, you would be surprised, Miss Face, what these mites can pack into a hollowed-out human cranium. Now, autopsies have turned up car keys, checkbooks, jars of cold cream, and — once — a paperback copy of “Shogun”. It’s incredible. It seems like the worst victims sleep with their mouthes or their legs open.

Joan Face: Why do they do it?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: For art, Miss Face. Don’t ask me why, but these insects fancy themselves as artists. To them, a collection of loose objects hung inside someone’s head is art.

Joan Face: They make art?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah… well, they call it art. I’m an anthropologist, not an art critic. But I know what I like. FRankly, uh, I’ve got a four-year old at home who can do better than these insects.

Joan Face: So, you’re married?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, no. Mrs. Bedanza passed away.

Joan Face: [ sullen ] Bedanza mite?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Yes. Mrs. Bedanza was a mouth-breather. Things kept disappearing around the house, but we NEVER put two and two together, ’til, one day, they top of her head CAVED IN.

Joan Face: [ sympathetic ] I’m very sorry…

Dr. Russell Bedanza: I kind of blame myself But back to mite art. You know, some of their work’s not altogether bad. There’s a colony of them out on the coast that are branching out into some new areas. I did catch a very interesting show of theirs that’s on Don Ho’s rear end.

Joan Face: [ excited ] What’s it like?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, it’s very hard to describe. You’ve really got to see it for yourself. For instance, there’s this swizzle stick from Trader Vic’s…

Joan Face: Oh, no, no, no, no! Don’t spoil it for me! How long is it going to be going on?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: I think it’s on through June, then Don’s going back to Hawaii and he’ll probably bring the exhibit back with him.

Joan Face: [ jotting it down ] Well, I’ll have to see…

Dr. Russell Bedanza: One thing — don’t go on a Sunday. The crowds are incredible, they go on for miles.

Joan Face: Thank you!

Dr. Russell Bedanza: [ slyly ] You know, I wouldn’t mind going seeing it again myself…

Joan Face: [ blushing ] Well, great! I’d like that very much. [ to the audience ] Well, that about wraps it up for tonight. Join me next week, when we’ll worry about Disco Lice. Thank you.

[ Joan quickly returns her attention to Dr. Bedenza, as the camera pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: “Flosses With A Friend” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Good night, folks! They’ll all be back in the Fall — or not. See you then. Thank you for coming!

[ Dan Aykroyd steps forward to show off his t-shirt ]

Announcer: Be sure to watch encore performances of “Saturday Night Live” right through the summer. Beginning this Saturday, with host O.J. Simpson. And now, this is Don Pardo sinking into the Summer of ’78. Good night.

SNL Transcripts