Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927” from the album: Good Old Boys
…..Randy Newman
[ open on exterior, Theater of the Performing Arts ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Randy Newman!
[ dissolve to interior, the crowds cheering as Randy Newman enters the stage, bows, then takes his seat behind his piano. The New Orleans Symphony and Howard Shore and the SNL band are assembled behind him. ]
Randy Newman: [ singing ] “What has happened down here is the wind have changed Clouds roll in from the north and it started to rain Rained real hard and rained for a real long time Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline.
Louisiana, Louisiana They’re tryin’ to wash us away They’re tryin’ to wash us away Louisiana, Louisiana They’re tryin’ to wash us away They’re tryin’ to wash us away.
President Coolidge come down in a railroad train With a little fat man with a note pad in his hand The President say, “Little fat man, isn’t it a shame What the river has done to this poor cracker’s land?”
Louisiana, Louisiana They’re tryin’ to wash us away They’re tryin’ to wash us away Louisiana, Louisiana They’re tryin’ to wash us away They’re tryin’ to wash us away They’re tryin’ to wash us away They’re tryin’ to wash us away.”
[ audience roars with applause ]
Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much, and welcome to Mardi Gras. [ the crowd screams with excitement ] You don’t need me to welcome you, of course, you know. We’re here at the Performing Arts Center in New Orleans, and the Not Ready For Prime Time Players are strategically located here in the French Quarter. Eric Idle will be, uh, covering the crowd reaction. Uh – [ the crowd laughs, as does Randy ] With the, uh, 15,000 costume salesmen dressed up as pickles. [ crowd laughs ] Uh – Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall, uh, will be at the Apollo Ball. Baba Wawa will be standing by with Henry winkler. [ crowd Yeahs! and cheers ] And buck Henry and Jane Curtin will be covering the Bacchus parade, and we’ll go to them.. now!
[ Randy points his finger at the camera, as a growing circle transitions the action to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin at a reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
…..Jane Curtin …..Buck Henry Jean Lafitte…..Bill MurrayDavid Benoit…..Dan Aykroyd Marie-Claire…..Gilda Radner Worker…..Tom Schiller Worker 2…..Garrett Morris
[ open on Jane Curtin and Buck Henry at the reviewing stand ]
Jane Curtin: New Orleans is really an incredibly beautiful town, isn’t it, Buck?
Buck Henry: Yes, Jane, it is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful city, except.. maybe.. Lake Havasu City.
Jane Curtin: Ah! But most people don’t know that, when they visit New Orleans, it’s not the real New Orleans, but an accurate replica, made of over 45,000 tons of orlioite[?] synthetic polyfiber board, created by the Walt Disney Leisure Group, for use in amusement parks and retirement villas throughout the great nation. Isn’t that fascinating, Buck?
Buck Henry: Very interesting. You know, Jane – at one time — [ he dodges a pair of flying beads ] At one time, New Orleans was the home of pirates, buccaneers – among whom was, perhaps, the most notorious of them all, the infamous pirate Jean Lafitte.
[ dissolve to streetlight on a New Orleans corner ]
[ SUPER: “New Orleans 1813, A Visit With Jean Lafitte” ]
[ pan out to reveal French Quarter street market crowd, as Jean Lafitte steps forward ]
Jean Lafitte: [ in a thick French accent ] Hello, there! I am Jean Lafitte! This is my home – New Orleans, in the early 19th Century. Please, I invite you to look around – it’s Mardi Gras, and I welcome all of you! But, first, let’s get something straight: A lot of people call me a pirate, you know? In history legends, they say, “The pirate, Jean Lafitte.” [ shakes his head ] I do not consider myself a pirate, you know? I’m a privateer, a cossair[?], a brigham[?], a rogue – you know? Or perhaps, if you will, an independent marine contractor, you know? But not a pirate – NEVER a pirate! I HATE that word: “pirate.” Okay? Come on – let’s take a look around my marketplace. [ steps off to the side, removes his jacket ] As you can see, it’s been a pretty god year for me and my men.
David Benoit: Hello, Jean! You don’t know me – I’m David Benoit, from Bayou Celambe[?]. I just want to say, I’m, uh, one of your brother Pierre’s men! [ shakes Lafitte’s hand ]
Jean Lafitte: Well, it’s nice to have you aboard – it is nice to have good, loyal men, huh?
David Benoit: I-I just want to say that I think that you’re, uh — [ tosses Lafitte’s jacket aside ] you’re one of the finest pirates in all the by-you!
Jean Lafitte: [ frowns ] Look, uh, do not call me a pirate, okay? [ whips out his pistol and shoots Benoit to the ground, then faces the camera ] Look – I’m not a pirate. Call me a privateer, a cossair[?], a bandit – you know? But NEVER a pirate! Okay?
David Benoit: A pirate!
Jean Lafitte: Yeah! Now, I really mean it this time, okay? I’m sorry. Now, pirates attack anything that floats! I’m selective about it! Look, I’ll tell you what I do – here’s how I got it set up. [ takes a piece of paper out of his jacket ] I fly a flag of Argentina, you know? I’ve got letters of mark here, that says I can sink, plunder any ship standing on the Spanish vessel – you know, any Spanish vessel. That’s not piracy. That’s what we call “positive seizure of cargo in transit.”
Marie-Claire: [ trying to get Lafitte’s attention ] Uh – Monsieur Lafitte — Monsieur Lafitte?
Jean Lafitte: What is it, Marie-Claire?
Marie-Claire: Oh, you must tell me, which wine you would prefer with the evening meal — the red, with the;or the white, from your cousin’s vineyard?
Jean Lafitte: And, which would you prefer, my dear?
Marie-Claire: Ohhh. I’d prefer the white wine.
Jean Lafitte: Well, there is one way to settle this, Madam [ whips out his sword ]
Marie-Claire: Ohhhhh! [ grabs a sword of her own ] Watch your feet, Lafitte!
[ she whips the sword towards his feet, but he dodges it by leaping into the air. The clash their swords together several time, until she knocks his sword to the ground, steps on it, then holds her sword to his neck. ]
Jean Lafitte: Very well, you win – we’ll have the white instead! [ she allows him to return to his feet ] It’s a bit frightening, you know what I mean? I don’t like to fight somebody like that. Hey, Marie?
Marie-Claire: Uh, yes, Monsieur Lafitte?
Jean Lafitte: What is the word that I hate the most in the whole world?
Marie-Claire: Ummmmm — pirate!
Jean Lafitte: Right. [ points shotgun at her and fires it, as she screams and falls ] Aaarghh!! I hate it! Call me a charlatan! Call me a brigham[?]! Call me a punk! Call me a cheap swashbuckler!! But I’m no PIRATE, you know what I mean?! Look! I don’t drop my captured treasure in some sleazy hall, or a trunk buried on a beach somewhere! I’ve got professionals working for me! I’ve got bookkeeppers, I’ve got lawyers! I get my treasured washed every week! My doubloons are laundered by professionals, you know what I mean?! [ removes his belt and sword ]
[ a worker yells at Lafitte from atop a balcony ]
Worker: Hey, Jean! I went to Paris! I stole for your mother!
[ angry, Lafitte fires a shot and drops the worker into a haystack below ]
Worker 2: [ steps forward ] Hey, hey, Jean — he said “Par-is“, not “pi-rate, man!”
Jean Lafitte: Oh. Sorry, very sorry. Well, anyway — right now, my big problem is what to wear to the big Mardi Gras masquerade ball, you know? I usually go as a harlequin, you know, something like that. [ begins changing behind a panel ] But, this year, just to let people know that Jean Lafitte is a good sort, you know — just to prove that — hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo-oo-oo-oo!! Oh, am I going to have a laugh on them! [ steps out from behind the panel, now disguised as a pirate ] I’m going as a PIRATE! Hey, hey — I’m NOT a pirate, I’m just GOING as one, you know? I HATE it.. but it’ll fool everybody, you know? [ chuckles ] HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!
[ dissolve to the cheering crowd of revelers ]
[ zoom in on one woman, with caption: “Spells Kunte Kinte With a ‘C'” ]
[ SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Jane Curtin: And now, in another part of the French Quarter, covering crowd reaction, we take you to Eric Idle.
[ dissolve to Eric Idle, seated at an outdoor table ]
Eric Idle: Bonjour, madame! [ extends his greeting in German ] Hello, and welcome to the Cafe [?], here in the heart of the New Orleans French Quarter. Here, there’s an atmosphere of almost unbelievable gaity — [ glances around the empty outdoor cafe ] and festivity. You can practically smell Mardi Gras here! The atmosphere, for four days, has been a feeling of Carnival, which was, uh, really here up to, uh, well, just a few short minutes ago, uh – before you came over here. [ grins ] The place was literally PACKED with revelers, party makers wearing beads and singing and dancing – it was a real Carnival atmosphere, and we were all having a really fun, fun time — up until a couple of moments ago. Literally, crowds of people were literally thronging [?] these streets, literally hundreds of GAY — uh, happy — folks were.. LURKING all over the place! What a pity, they’ve all gone.
Well, as you can see, the Carnival gaity, right now, seems to becoming also more fun here, as, in fact, from elsewhere. So let’s go, right away, over somewhere else! [ taps his earpiece ] Well, in fact, they say No. Apparently, we have some little technical problem – ha! – so we must stay here. Ha! Which, in fact, gives me time to tell you that, at the moment, it’s quite quiet here, in the French Quarter. [ glances at the emptiness that surrounds him ] Uh, but recently, it’s been much, much, MUCH noisier. Ha ha!
[ looks off to his side ] Well,the reveler over here — I think I can see one — why don’t we just go over right now, and ask what he’s doing here and how he’s enjoying Mardi Gras? [ steps over to a masked reveler seated alone at another table ] Sir, how are you doing enjoying Mardi Gras? [ the reveler falls face first into his food ] Ha! Fine. So, uh – just to recap – ha! – this is, as you know, Mardi Gras, and we are, uh, coming live from it! And we’re having a heck of a lot of fun! You bet.
Uh – Mardi Gras, incidentally, means Fat Tuesday, and is named after the legendary New Orleans singer, Fat Tuesday. He, uh, he was a friend of Fats Domino and Fats Waller – there were three of them, all fat, and one Tuesday. [ breathes heavily ] So! Uh.. a word about the French Quarter: only half of the French Quarter is, in fact, French; another quarter of the French Quarter is not at all French; a hald of the maining quarter is a bit French; and one-quarter of the remaining quarter of the quarter is Polish. [ taps his earpiece ] Ah! Well, I’m very glad to tell you that we can now — [ his smile freezes ] stay here.. a little bit.. longer. So. [ checks his watch ] Ha ha! Ah! [ pulls a postcard out of his jacket ] Incidentally, here – here is a picture of – of one of the parades. It’s a postcard – ha! – uh – this should show you what it’s, in fact, like at the moment! [ points to various points on the postcard ] Ha! Here, you can see Bacchus. Here’s Buck and Jane, over there. [ bounces the postcard up and down ] In fact, if I move it around a little bit, you’ll get some idea of — [ audience cheers ]
Well, it must be really exciting over there by now! Ha! What a pity.. we’re not over there. [ tosses the postcard across the way, then stretches his arm out and begins to sing: ] “If I ruled the world! / Every day would be the first day of Spring! –“
[ the reveler seated facefirst in his food now falls to the pavement, as Idle checks on him ]
Randy Newman: Thank you! Good night! Good night to you all, and now over to Buck and Jane!
[ cut back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Buck Henry: Thank you, Randy. Uh, Jane, you might as well just tell them all.
Jane Curtin: The parade has not been delayed – it doesn’t exist! It never did. “Mardi Gras” is just the French word meaning “no parade.” Good night!
Buck Henry: Thanks, and good night.
[ credits roll, as the crowd cheers ]
[ there’s a momentary glimpse of Garrett Morris and the cast and crew standing among a cut sketch — Garett, most noticably, holding up a book that reads “Roots II.” ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next week: Saturday Night’s host will be Steve Martin, with special guests Lily Tomlin and The Kinks. That’s 11:30, 10:30 Central Time. This is Don Pardo. Good night!
[ open on close-up of doubloon with Fats Domino’s head on it ]
Announcer: Now, for a limited time only, Telecomm Records presents:
[ doubloon spins around to reveal Garrett Morris’ head on the back side ]
A treasury of Fats Domino, as sung by Garrett Morris!
[ dissolve to Garrett Morris seated at a piano, as he plays the notes for “Blueberry Hill” ]
Garrett Morris: [ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ hits the same set of notes twelve times ]
Hi! I’m Garrett Morris! And, if you act RIGHT NOW, you can get this and many more of the music of Fats Domino, as sung by me, Garrett Morris! You’ll get:
[ singing ] “Ain’t.. that.. a shame!” [ hits the same set of twelve notes from “Blueberry Hill” ] “My tears fell like rain!” [ hits those same twelve notes again ]
[ song titles scroll:
Blueberry Hill Jambalaya Domino Twist Please Don’t Leave Me The Fat Man Blue Monday I’m In Love Again I’m Walkin Whole Lot Of Lovin I’m Gonna Be A Wheel Someday I Want to Walk You Home Walking to New Orleans My Girl Josephine ]
Garrett Morris: This, and many, many more of Fats Domino’s wonderful music, sung by a guy who has always loved The Fats! And who tries as much as he can, to sound just a little bit like him! You’ll get:
[ singing ] “Blue Monday” [ hits those same twelve notes on the piano ] “How I hate Blue Monday!” [ same twelve notes ] “All my tiredness, has gone awaaaayyy!!”
[ song title scroll repeats itself ]
AND! The best thing about this amazing TV offer, is that the music of Fats Domino as sung by Garrett Morris, is ONLY $49.95! Yes, $49.95! And I even sing Fats’ BIGGEST hit:
[ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ same twelve notes ]
RIGHT on the record! So order NOW, while it’s on demand!
[ singing ] “That’s why I’m walkin’ to New Orleans!” [ same twelve notes ]
[ dissolve to doubloon with Garrett’s head on it, and SUPER: “Treasury of Fats Domino, Pier 26, New York, NY 10007” ]
Announcer: Send now, for your own treasury of Fats Domino, sung by Garrett Morris. Pier 26, New York, New York.
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman
[ open on close-up of President Jimmy Carter ]
President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, everybody. I’d like, at this time, to say a few words about the state of the nation. Now, these are hard times for all of us – with a harsh, cold winter, and a permanent energy crisis, it’s gonna get worse and not better. [ smiles ] But I feel, as individual Americans, in this country, we should still try to have fun, in spite of all these problems. We must work hard, all of us – those of us who have work – and those of us who don’t, those of who don’t have work, must work hard to find it. Check the want ads. Don’t sleep in past noon. [ smiles ]
I’m fully committed to carry out my responsibilities as President. To carry on a program immediately, of natural energy conservation. And, when I travel, to carry my own garment bag. And, always, to carry my brother Billy when he’s unable to walk by himself. [ smiles ] But I don’t mind. I don’t mind. He ain’t heavy.. he’s my brother! [ smiles, blinks ]
[ camera pulls back to reveal that Carter is sitting on the rear end of Andrew Jackson’s horse atop a statue in Jackson Square ]
Above all else, we must not yield to the emotional and spiritual depression qhich accompanies winter time. Now, Southerners avoid this type of seasonal depression by coming to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. [ the crowd cheers ] And that’s why I’m here now, having a good time and trying to relax and party briefly — [ retrieves a can of beer hidden behind Jackson ] before going back to undertake my next phase of duties in Washington.
Voice of Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy? Jimmy, honey?
President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me. [ looks down below ] Yes, honey?
[ cut to Rosalyn Carter on the ground ]
Rosalyn Carter: Honey, you’ve been up there for two days. Come on down, I’m worried about you!
[ cut back to Jimmy ]
President Jimmy Carter: Okay! [ pulls out a sword from behind Jackson ] YEEEEEEE-HOO-HOO-HOO!!! Live, from Mardi Gras, it’s Saturday Night!
Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner …..Penny Marshall Sherry…..Laraine Newman The Scab…..Bill Murray Jake the Snake…..John Belushi The Tongue…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on Penny Marshall standing off to the side of a fountain, holding a can of beer and waiting for her cue ]
Voice of Rhonda Weiss: I can’t seee those —
[ Penny now steps closer to Rhonda Weiss and Sherry seated on the edge of the fountain ]
Penny: Any of you want a beer before we have to get back to the restaurant?
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, no beer for me. One beer, and I’m Queen of the Cellulite Parade!
[ Penny struggles to sit on the edge, raising her petticoat to adjust her posture ]
Penny: Oh, boy.. oh, boy.. oh, boy. [ removes her tennis shoe ] Look – another blister.
Rhonda Weiss: [ examines Penny’s foot ] Mmm.
Penny: Oh, boy. I hate waiting tables.
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I hate EVERYTHING!
Sherry: Oh, quit complaining, you guys! Quit whining, it’s really getting sickening! I mean, I think serving people is really, really interesting! You know? Have you noticed the different ways that people chew?
Rhonda Weiss: Well, so – where are the guys? I mean, I came here to meet guys! Where are the guys?!
Penny: Everybody came to Mardi Gras to meet guys – even the guys.
Sherry: Oh, come on! Just working at the restaurant, you met TONS of guys!
Penny: Ah, they were all too short.
Rhonda Weiss: Yeah, well, I thought this was going to be like “Where The Boys Are.” I mean, even Connie Francis met a guy.
Sherry: None of the guys are sincere down here. I mean, let’s face it: I mean, they just want to get into my ??
Penny: I wish something exciting would happen. [ swigs from a bottle ]
Rhonda & Sherry: Yeah.. yeah.. me, too..
Penny: I’m bored.
Rhonda Weiss: I’m bored, too. You know, I didn’t even get a darn tip this afternoon.
Penny: No?
Rhonda Weiss: Not a cent!
[ their conversation is muffled as the sounds of “Born to be Wild” blare into the scenery, and three Bikers Bees roll into the scene on their Harley-Davidsons ]
The SCab: Hi, girls! We’re the Shriner’s Drill Team! [ guffaws ] Aw, come on! No, seriously – we’re the Wild Bees Motorcycle Club, from National City, California. [ points himself and his buddies out ] Im The Scab.. this is Jake the Snake.. and this is.. The Tongue!
[ The Tongue hangs his tongue out pathetically ]
The Scab: Now, uh – one of you is gonna be with The Tongue. Okay?
[ pull out to reveal that The Tongue is smitten with a horrified and disgusted Penny ]
Rhonda & Sherry: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Penny: Are these guys?
Sherry: [ excited ] I don’t know! But I think Scab’s a real FOX!
The Tongue: We just rode in from Corpus Christi, Texas! We blew up a small town for a friend! [ chuckles ] We need some girls to take CARE of us! We don’t know how to COOK! And how to SEW! We don’t KNOW!
Penny: I’m glad we came into town!
The Girls: You want to go? I don’t know, you want to go? Do you want to go?
[ The Tongue proceeds to lift Penny’s petticoat and have a look ]
Penny: He’s got a decent looking hardware, and, uh, we ain’t at no sissy bar. [ turns to The Tongue ] Okay, Kong – take me!
The Tongue: Yeah!!! [ picks Penny up and lays her across his Harley ]
Sherry: Yeah, you know, Scab – that’s a really, really cute shovel head!
The SCab: Yeah, well, uh – are you dating anybody right now? ‘Cause, uh, if you’re not, I’d like to take ya’ home and beat ya’ up, you know what I mean?
[ Scab and Sherry hop on his Harley ]
Rhonda Weiss: Um, excuse me, um, Jake the Snake. Is this, uh, real leather, or just naugahyde?
Jake the Snake: [ blows smoke at Rhonda’s face ] You know what your gonna do?! You’re comin’ back to California with me! Come back to your block house! Listen! I’m an ANIMAL!! I call party animals, animals from parties! anything will do! We’ll shave your head and chain you to the roof and wipe our feet on ‘ya! And then we’ll make ‘ya pick up after us! Whattaya say?! you wanna come?! [ thrusts her to the ground ]
Rhonda Weiss: Uhhh – yeah.
Jake the Snake: [ gentle ] Alright.
[ they climb on Jake’s Harley, as all the Bees ride off into the night to the sounds of “Born to be Wild” ]
[ dissolve to a full shot of the crowd ]
[ zoom in on New Orleans woman, add SUPER: “Owned Alex Haley’s Grandfather” ]
…..Buck Henry …..Jane Curtin Al Hirt…..John Belushi
[ open on SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Randy!
[ the crowd surrounding the grandstand cheers, and already begins flinging beads toward Buck and Jane. A superball even riccochets off Jane’s head. ]
Jane Curtin: Aigh! Thank you, Randy. I’m Jane curtin.
Buck Henry: I’m Buck Henry. And we’re here, high above the Bacchus parade, which will be coming by our stand at any minute. It’s very exciting, above this.. SEA of humanity.
[ dissolve to a closer view if the crowd behind Buck and Jane’s shoulders ]
Jane Curtin: It’s an incredible crowd, and just a, just a note about the crowd: a woman has just given birth to a baby girl, and, in honor of the circumstances, she’s naming it “Crushed.”
[ dissolve back to Buck and Jane ]
Buck Henry: Really an incredible thing to realize that — [ more beads and debris are flung toward Buck and Jane by the laughing crowd ] hundreds of thousands of Americans have traveled THOUSANDS of miles, just to come here to New Orleans to visit Bourbon Street and to throw up.
Jane Curtin: Because of the – because of the delay in the parade, let’s take time out now, to have a look at one of the more recent New Orleans traditions – and, of course, I’m talking about the annual “Let’s Hit Al Hirt in the Mouth with a Brick” contest. Here he is, live fom Bourbon Street, the King of Carnival himself – Mr. Al Hirt!
[ dissolve to Al Hirt standing in front of his Al Hirt’s Club at 501 Bourbon Street ]
[ the crowd cheers as Al hirt holds up his trumpet, then breaks into a brassy lick of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” After about four seconds, three bricks fly in from opposite sides of the screen, the second bouncing off of Al’s right eye. Al momentariliy stops playing his trumpet, as he leers at the laughing crowd, then starts over. ]
[ two more bricks fly in from the same side of the screen, as Al ducks. A third brick bounces off of his trumpet. A few more bricks and odd debris hit Al as well, knocking him to the pavement and causing him to finally stop blowing on his trumpet. Another foreign object lands at his body. ]
[ the crowd cheers. Al picks himself up and starts over once again. He barely completes the first note as yet another brick bounces atop his head. More bricks and a banana strike Al across the head, as he again hits the pavement and stops blowing. ]
[ Al carefully picks himself up, presses his trumpet to his lips and crouches before he takes his first blow. A rock hits him across the back, as more bricks and debris pelt him from the front. He tries valiantly to continue playing, but is once mroe knocked to the pavement as more bricks land on him. ]
[ Al rolls onto his side and starts over. A brick immediately bounces off of his trumpet. A baseball bat lands on the pavement to his right. Al lies across his back and continues to blow his trumpet, as another bat hits him. Beer cans also land near him. More bricks and a hardhat also pelt him, as Al finally surrenders to the street. ]
[ dissolve back to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin ]
Buck Henry: While we’re waiting for Al to regain consciousness, let’s go to this filmed message.
…..Buck Henry …..Jane Curtin Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner …..Henry Winkler
[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Jane Curtin: Just to give you a hint of things to come, the marching band and the drill team from the Louisiana State Prison – they all escaped this morning so that they could be here tonight.
Buck Henry: The parade is just a little delayed in getting here. Apparently, an overactiv drum majorette has just had an unfortunate but interesting accident with her baton. We’ll have more on that — [ Buck’s words are cut off as a pair of beads tossed by a reveler nearly knocks his microphone from his hand ]
Jane Curtin: That’s probably in anticipation of the person we’re all waiting for – the King of Bacchus, Henry Winkler. Known to countless of americans as the Beaver.
Buck Henry: No, no. Not the Beaver, Jane. I think he’s known as, uh.. Shorty, or Captain Video.
Jane Curtin: Well, I knew it was either the Beaver or the cisco Kid.
Buck Henry: At any rate, he has gone into court, in order to change his name legally – so there’ll be no confusion – to change his name to Helen Hayes.
Jane Curtin: Well, we’ll probabyl find out what’s happening with him right now, when we take you to an interview with Baba Wawa and Henry Winkler, taped earlier today.
[ dissolve to pre-tape of Baba Wawa standing with Henry winkler ]
Baba Wawa: Hewwo! This is Baba Wawa at Warge, and I’m here at Wadi Gwas in New Owweans. It’s a pwetty tewwific city! Known thwoughout Amewica as Awthaw Fonzawewwi, the tewwibwy, tawented, twuwy tewwiffic, weal-wife – Henwy Winkwer!
Henry winkler: No, Baba – that’s He-ry Wink-ler.
Baba Wawa: Hewwo, Henwy!
Henry winkler: It’s a pleasure to be here with you, Baba!
Baba Wawa: Henwy, you’ve cweated a chawactaw that has a pwetty cowassaw wesonse. I mean, weawwy. I mean, I nevaw miss yaw pwogwam, it’s wondawfaw!
Henry winkler: Thank you.
Baba Wawa: Teww me, Henwy – do you have any difficuwties sepawating yaw own pewsonawities fwon the Fonz?
Henry winkler: Now, that’s a very good question, Baba. Actually, the first lesson I ever learned as an actor was to make that separation between my identity and the character’s, and, in this case, it’s the Fonz.
Baba Wawa: Weww – sounds wike you have the pwopaw pawspective!
Henry winkler: Oh, yeah. Like, in the studio, you know, I’m the Fonz, and, at home, I’m Henry Winkler, you know? Uh – at home, I answer the phone as Henry winkler; on the set, I answer the phone as the Fonz.
Baba Wawa: Weawwy?
Henry Winkler: Yes. Now – well, occasionally, sometimes I get a call at home for the Fonz. But, what I do is, I take a message, I give it to him – uh, he does the same for me. He’s a very considerate man. If he’s wearing a shirt that I truly love, all I have to do is mention it to him, he takes it RIGHT OFF and gives it to me!
Baba Wawa: Weww, he sounds wike a wiving daww.
Henry Winkler: Oh, he is! He’s a – he’s a pleasure to spend time with. We do a lot,/i> of things together. You know, sometimes we go to the movies, or catch a frisbee, you know, grab some burgers, just cruise! Uh – the only thing we have not been able to do, uh, lately – we haven’t been able to take a picture together, which is really like a drag. I’d love to ave a picture with him! [ Baba looks at Henwy with gweat confusion ] Now, it’s true that we have some problems. Like, when I meet a girl – she falls for me! Which I can understand, you know, because I’m cool, she’s cool. You know? Dig it, huh? [ laughs ] Ah, the last time that happened, H.W. beat me up one side up my body and DOWN the other! You know what I’m talking about? I mean, DOWN the other! [ in a serious tone ] Baba, I-I believe he deserved it, because he is, um, a creep —
Baba Wawa: Oh, ho, ho. Well, Henwy, despite yaw difficuwties, you awe extwordinawiwy chawismatic. You know, Henwy, I would like to know the, uh, the secwet to yaw success. I’m suwe evewyone would – I mean, why awe you maw wuhved than, wet’s say, uh.. Baba Wawa?
Henry Winkler: [ defensive ] Hey! That’s not true! You are LOVED, Baba! I’m talking about love-a-mondo!
Baba Wawa: Aw, Henwy, Henwy —
Henry Winkler: I’m talking about affection corazon!
Baba Wawa: Henwy, wet’s be sewious – thewe awe no scweaming teenagews fowwowing me, going, “Baba! Baba!” I mean, thewe awe no Baba t-shiwts.. no Baba postaws.. no I mean, what’s the weason? I’m pwetty nice, I’m pwetty pwetty, I’m pwetty cute.. I’m pwetty.. pwetty.. [ begins to weep ]
Henry Winkler: Well, perhaps what you need is just a change of style.
Baba Wawa: Aw, it might be pwausibwe, but what do you suggest?
Henry Winkler: Alright, let’s do this quickly, because I don’t want to spend that much time on you.
Baba Wawa: Wight.
Henry Winkler: Uh – what was the largest story, the biggest story you had on the news last night?
Baba Wawa: Uh, well – a pwane cwash kiwwed thwee-hundwed peopwe.
Henry Winkler: Alright. Let’s try it. [ demonstrates a la the Fonz ] “Plane crash killed three-hundred PEOPLE! He-e-e-eyy!”
Baba Wawa: [ tries it ] “He-e-e-eyy!” [ laughs ] You know, I’ww twy that – I mean, maybe it’ww stop Hawwy Weasonaw fwom kicking me undaw the desk. Henwy – one wast question befaw we cwose: How do you pewsonawwy feew about being KING of tonight’s pawade?
Henry Winkler: Oh, Baba.. New Orleans is really the city in which to be a king. There are male teenagers here from all over the United States, and I — [ mocks weeping ] I wee-eep!
Baba Wawa: [ laughing ] We-e-e-ehh! That sounds weawwy womantic! Thank you, Henwy! [ to the camera ] This is Baba Wawa at Warge, cwosing and saying, Henwy Winkwer is —
Henry Winkler: No, no, no – that’s: Hen-ry Wink-ler.
Baba Wawa: Hen-wy Wink-wer.
[ Henry takes Baba’s face in her hands and moves her mouth for each syllable ]
Together: Hen. Ry. Wink. Ler. Hen-ry. Wink-ler. Henry/Henwy. Winkler/Winkwer.
Henry Winkler: Right. Henry Winkler.
Baba Wawa: Wight. [ to the camera ] I’m Baba Wawa, saying, Henwy winkwer is a fwuit! Good night!
[ Henry closes in to give Baba a hard, passionate kiss on the lips, as the video dissolves back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
…..Jane Curtin …..Penny Marshall …..Cindy Williams
[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Jane Curtin: And now back to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball.
[ dissolve to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball, in the Hyatt Regency ]
Penny Marshall: [ loudly ] Hi! Here we are, back at the Apollo! [ Cindy shushes her ] I’m sorry. [ in a softer voice ] They’re just about to introduce the Queen – the eighth Queen —
Cindy Williams: — of the Apollo.
Penny Marshall: We have missed all the hand maidens, and the three out-of-town Kings and Queens. [ fanfare blares ] But, here she is – here comes —
[ dissolve to live footage of the Queen walking down the aisle ]
Cindy Williams: The Queen is going to be wearing a floor-length, gold silk gown with chiffon overlay, encrusted and bejeweled — oh, with silver and amber on gold — ohh, she’s beautiful.
Penny Marshall V/O: She’s getting a standing ovation, as well deserved.
Cindy Williams V/O: Yes. With a collar of a combination of plume, made of scented feathers, and a crown, the same as the King.
Together V/O: Hi!!
Penny Marshall V/O: Hello!
Cindy Williams V/O: Isn’t he something? He’s something, isn’t he?
Penny Marshall V/O: What?
Cindy Williams V/O: He’s something.
Penny Marshall V/O: We must stand — we must stand for the Queen.
[ dissolve back to Penny and Cindy standing up and clapping ]
Penny Marshall: There’s a lot of scented feathers coming out of the Queen’s side. Many feathers.
Cindy Williams: You missed a costume made of yak fur, earlier —
Penny Marshall: Say bye. Bye. Goodbye, from Apollo.
