Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Krewe of Apollo Ball

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Penny Marshall
…..Roberts Batson

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: At this year’s parade, the theme will be Sex Crimes of Many Nations. As we speak, they are starting construction on a huge float in the shape of a closet.

Buck Henry: The parade itself was discovered by 16th Century French explorer, Pierre Parade, who was searching for a route from Canal Street to his hotel room.

Jane Curtin: And now, over to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball.

[ dissolve to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball, in the Hyatt Regency ]

[ Penny Marshall is seated at a table and reading from a clipboard, oblivious that the camera is now on her. She hears applause and begins clapping as well, her eyes looking about the room in a catatonic state. She glances to the side of the cameraman. ]

Penny Marshall: Now?

[ Penny grabs a microphone, continues to stare incoherently for another second or two, sighs into the microphone, then finally begins ]

Penny Marshall: Well, the parades and the craziness on the streets are.. the Mardi Gras everyone knows. That is the public Mardi Gras. But there is another private carnival as well. [ flips the notes on her clipboard ] We — Cindy’s not here yet — but we are privileged tonight to be invited to the 8th Annual Ball Masque of the Mystic Krewe of Apollo.

[ cut to a man in a tuxedo escorting a man in a ball gown across the floor ]

Penny Marshall V/O: This carnival club has an all-male membership, as many of the other club’s do.

[ cut back to Penny ]

Penny Marshall: But, tonight’s ball, the queen, the maids, and the debutantes.. are all being portrayed by the men of this organization. [ looks off to the side ] Uh – there’s a debutante out there now. Isn’t she beautiful? [ looks again ] He’s beautiful.

[ cut to a male debutante being escorted by another male ]

Penny Marshall V/O: Here comes another debutante. She’s wearing a white dress, blonde hair with baby’s breath in it. I don’t know the age requirement of the debutantes, but she looks swell.

[ upward diagonal wipe back to Penny clapping ]

Penny Marshall: Um — [ turns to the man seated behind her ] Roberts Batson.. do you have anything to describe this attire? Do they pick out their own clothes?

Roberts Batson: Uh – I really don’t know how the dresses are determined, but I would like to say that this is a traditional part of the Mardi Gras balls – the presentation of the debutantes. And almost all of the organizations do their — it usually comes right at the beginning of the ball, following the traditional format of the Mardi Gras ball.

[ cut to the next male debutante being escorted by another male ]

Penny Marshall V/O: It’s beautiful. Here comes another debutante.

Roberts Batson V/O: Is it what you expected?

Penny Marshall V/O: [ stunned ] I — nooo, I did not expect this at all. But it’s wonderful.

[ cut back to Penny and Roberts ]

Roberts Batson: You know, the dresses are not exactly the same.

Penny Marshall: No, they aren’t. She has a, uh —

Roberts Batson: They all maintain the white dress —

Penny Marshall: [ slightly stammering ] The white dress, yes.

Roberts Batson: — a slight difference in style —

Penny Marshall: And they bow differently —

Roberts Batson: Yes.

Penny Marshall: And they all have escorts. How many debutantes are there?

Roberts Batson: Uh, I believe — [ begins to count ] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 — six! Six debutantes.

Penny Marshall: Okay. [ to the camera ] We will be coming back to this wonderful ball in a few minutes. [ nervously ] I hope Cindy will, too..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Antler Dance

…..Randy Newman
…..Paul Shaffer
…..Michael o’Donoghue

[ open on interior, Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Randy Newman: And now, another time-honored New Orleans tradition — Paul Shaffer, joined by Howard Shore and the NBC Video Orchestra, will perform “The Antler Dance.”

[ zoom past Randy to reveal the full SNL band playing ]

Paul Shaffer: [ singing ]
“Ahhh, let me tell you a story about what happened to me just the other night, whoo!
A man in a mask walked into my room, late last Saturday night
I said, ‘Hey, Mr. Mask, what you doin’ in here?’
He said, ‘There ain’t no cause for fri-i-ight!
Well, I got a dance that’ll beat the bump, the hustle and the hoochie-coo!’
And then he took off his pants, and did the Antler Dance
It’s so easy, you can do it, too!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well, the Antler Dance!
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!

Paul Shaffer: [ spoken ]
New Orleans Mardi Gras 1977! Yes, that’s how it started, way back in 1917, and, since then, once every ten years, that man in the mask returns, to lead ALL of Mardi Gras in a dance so wild in abandon, that they call it the Antler Dance! Well, listen — tonight is the night, so let’s go LIVE, right now, to New Orleans’ famed Antler Street —

[ dissolve to a crowd of revelers surrounding a fictictious street sign that reads “Rue d’ Antler – Antler St.” ]

Paul Shaffer V/O: — where an estimated half-a-million revelers are gathered to count off the last remaining seconds – 4! 3! 2! 1!

[ suddenly, Mr. Mike appears dancing, with a mask over his eyes and his hands posed above his head like antlers. As he prances about, the crowd gleefully tosses various objects at Mr. Mike, who soon realizes he’s gotten himself into more than he bargained for. ]

And.. there he is! The man in the mask! Alright, there’s no stopping this crowd now! Whoo!

[ singing ]
“A UFO, came out of the sky, and landed in L.A.!
The top blew off, and a thing crawled out, that flashed with a purple ray-ay.
It ate concrete, and it had nine feet, and a face like an overshoe.
And then it took off its pants, and did the Antler Dance
Well, it’s so easy, you can do it, too!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well, the Antler Dance!”

[ spoken ] Listen, there’s one more thing I’ve gotta tell you about right now:

[ singing ]
“Old Nate Hale was a-standin’ there, just a-waitin’, to be hung!
He said, ‘I’m going down, in the history books, as a cat who really swu-ung!’Well, I’ve got to say, if I had my way, I’d give another life or two.
And then he took off his pants, and did the Antler Dance
Well, he did it for the Red, White and Blue!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Oh yeah, the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well!”

[ the crowd cheers ]

[ overhead shot of the crowd, with caption: “Coming up Next… The South Will Fall Again” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:













Cameos:



Bit Players:


February 20th, 1977

Randy Newman

Randy Newman

Buck Henry

Eric Idle

The New Leviathan Fox Trot Orchestra

Penny Marshall

The Meters

Cindy Williams

Henry Winkler

Roberts Batson

Mayor Moon Landrieau

Paul Shaffer

Michael O’Donoghue
President Carter at Mardi GrasSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) addresses the crowd from the tail end of the Andrew Jackson statue in Jackson Square.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”Note: Randy Newman performs at the Theater of the Performing Arts, located in Armstrong Park at 801 North Rampart Street.

Transcript

The Bacchus ParadeSummary: Buck Henry and Jane Curtin comment on the crowd waiting for the Bacchus parade to arrive, then turn their attention to the “Let’s Hit Al Hirt (John Belushi) in the Mouth with a Brick” contest.

Note: The contest refers to an incident seven years earlier when Al Hirt was injured while riding in a Mardi Gras parade. It was believed that Hirt was hit in the mouth by a brick thrown from a parade reveler.

Transcript

QuarrySummary: The all-rock cereal that’s chock full of minerals.

Note: Repeat from 76h.

The Wild Bees Motorcycle ClubSummary: In their desperate search to meet men at the Mardi Gras, Rhonda Weiss (Gilda Radner), Sherry (Laraine Newman) and Penny Marshall meet the rowdy members of The Wild Bees Motorcycle Club (Bill Murray, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Sherry, Bees.

Transcript

Fats Domino As Sung By Garrett MorrisSummary: Garrett Morris’ version of Fats Domino’s songs all feature the same set of piano notes.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “Marie”Transcript

CemeteriesSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, a a man who paints above-ground cemetery tombs for a living discusses his career.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews a bouncer named Honker (Bill Murray) and Pink Lady topless dancer, Velocity (Cindy Williams).

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Honker.

Transcript

Baba Wawa at LargeSummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) interviews this year’s King of Bacchus, Henry Winkler.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Mussolini Re-CreationSummary: Ricky Mussolini (John Belushi) re-creates his grandfather’s 1940 visit to New Orleans.

Transcript

Crowd ReactionSummary: Eric Idle reports on the crowd reaction to the Bacchus parade at an empty outdoor cafe.

Transcript

Gary Weis Down SouthSummary: A film by Gary Weis displays a montage of Dixie signs throughout New Orleans.

Transcript

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”Lyrics

Krewe of Apollo BallSummary: Penny Marshall reports on the proceedings at the Krewe of Apollo ball, which extensively features men in drag.

Transcript

Stella!Summary: Stanley Kowalski (John Belushi) yells for “Stella!” outside what he believes to be his apartment.

Transcript

The Antler DanceSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael o’Donoghue) performs the Antler Dance from atop a balcony, as Paul Shaffer sings the lyrics.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Buck Henry!Summary: Mayor Moon Landrieau presents Garrett Morris with the combination to the city. Laraine Newman interviews a man (John Belushi) who carries on a tradition of taping live mice to his eyebrows. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) interviews a “liverboat” captain (Bill Murray).

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “Kingfish”Transcript

Jean LafitteSummary: Jean Lafitte (Bill Murray) goes to great lengths to make the point that he is not a pirate.

Transcript

Krewe of Apollo Ball IISummary: Penny Marshall and — finally — Cindy Williams reports on the coronation at the Krewe of Apollo ball.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “Sail Away”Transcript

GoodnightsSummary: With the realization that the broadcast is over and the Bacchus parade isn’t going to show, Randy Newman, Buck Henry and Jane Curtin say “Good night.”

Note: The Bacchus parade never showed at Buck and Jane’s location on time because a street reveler was run over by one of the floats near the beginning of the route. The parade eventually resumed, though it had to be rerouted to make up for lost time.

Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Meters perform “Hey Pocky A-Way” and “Mardi Gras Mambo”Note: The Meters were originally to close the broadcast while performing these local favorites, but ended up cut from the show entirely. They did get a chance to play on SNL a month later, though, by that time, keyboardist Art Neville had already left the group.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
Voices of jockey and horse…..Chevy Chase
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Bella Abzug
…..Buck Henry

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. Our top story tonight:

California police report that Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra have kidnapped Patricia Hearst, and forced her to join their nightclub act. Reports say that the two entertainers dragged Miss Hearst screaming from her San Francisco apartment, through her into the trunk of a Lear jet, and are now appearing in Las Vegas as Tanya & The Meatballs. In exchange for her return, they are demanding the head of Jerry Lewis. More on this story, as it develops.

In Texas, late millionairess, Sandra West, was buried this week in her Ferrari sports coupe, as she had requested. Afterwards, a small group of mourners placed a floral wreath and a set of steel-belted radial tires on the grave.

Interviewed this week for the third time by David Frost, former President Richard Nixon said that any act is legal if it is authorized by the President. Nixon confessed that, in addition to approving wiretaps and burglaries, as President he occasionally shoplifted and held up a number of licquor stores in the Washington area.

Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update Sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race’s winner, Seattle Slew. Here’s the footage now.

[ cut to stock horse racing footage ]

Jockey V/O: Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey… hey… aiiee..! Ow-ay… ow..! Ow… ow..!

Horse V/O: It’s okay, we’ll be alright!

Jockey V/O: Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!

Horse V/O: We’re okay!

Jockey V/O: I know, my — ow..!

Horse V/O: Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!

Jockey V/O: Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts — aiieee..! Ow..!

Horse V/O: Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy…

[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

Ballet star Mikhael Barishnikov (?) attended a party with Jacqueline Onassis, following the New York premiere of B’s production of “The Nutcracker” for the American Ballet Theater. Though the opening was a big success, Mrs. Onassis made B cry when she informed him that she could see very little under his tights.

It was fifty years ago this week that Charles Lindbergh made his historic solo flight from New York to Paris. Taking off at Roosevelt Field on Long Island, it was a feat that was hailed by millions of citizens, except for the residents of Howard Beach, who protested against the noise.

This just in: we now take you live to our crack political reporter, Miss Emily Litella, who is with Bella Abzug, who is about to make an important announcement. Emily?

[ cut to Emily Litella standing with Bella Abzug. The two women wear matching sun hats. ]

Emily Litella: Yes, Jane! I’m standing here in front of City Hall, with former Congresswoman Stella Abzug, who has an announcement to make! Stella?

Bella Abzug: Emily, it’s Bella. Bella.

Emily Litella: Ohhhh!! You speak Italian! How nice! That’s lovely! Just lovely! Now, tell me, Stella, what do you plan to —

Bella Abzug: It’s Bella. It’s Bella. Bella!

Emily Litella: Oh, ciao! Ciao! Yes!

Bella Abzug: Bella!

Emily Litella: Right. Well, Stella, we know you have the Italian vote! [ she laughs at her joke ]

Bella Abzug: Oh, I have a lot of love for the voters, but —

Emily Litella: Great! Well, uh — does this mean that you’re going to throw your CAT into the ring? Because I think it’s TERRIBLE the way pets are mistreated, just to get a few votes for politicians! Throwing yuor cat into — [ Abzug taps Litella’s shoulder ] What?

Bella Abzug: It’s not cat — it’s hat. “Hat” in the ring. You see, my hat. It’s still on, but I’m planning to toss it into the —

Emily Litella: Ohhh! Oh, I see! It’s a very lovely hat, I might add. It’s just lovely.

Bella Abzug: Oh, thanks. I see you have a nice hat — cat — I mean, HAT!

Emily Litella: Yes! [ to the camera ] Well, I’m here, and Stella has an announcement to make, and I think I know what it is! Stella Abzug is going to THROW her CAT into the ring!

Bella Abzug: Emily!

Emily Litella: And HERE’S her big announcement!

Bella Abzug: [ taking the microphone ] Never mind.

[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Emily. Now, as a public service, “Weekend Update”‘s guest editorial commentator — Buck Henry.

Buck Henry: Thank you, Jane. Actually, I have a little surprise for you. I’m not here to deliver an editorial or a commentary, but to make a presentation. The Council of Television Journalists, for which I am honorary chairman, has unanimously voted you, Jane Curtin, America’s Outstanding Television Journalist for the 1976-77 Season. [ he holds up her award ]

[ the audience cheers ]

Jane Curtin: That is such an honor. I don’t know what to say. Who’s gotten this award before?

Buck Henry: Uhhh — well, no one, Jane. This is the first year that I’ve — that we’ve presented it.

Jane Curtin: [ humbly ] Well… why me?

Buck Henry: Why? Why, Jane? I mean, I can answer you — I can answer that question because you’re a woman, and I’m a man — what could Cronkite, Brinkley, Chancellor, or Smith ever do for me, if I gave them this plaque? They’d say “Thank you.” Big deal. But, with you, it’s a different situation. Yuo ask “Why me?” I could tell you, because I’ve watched you sitting here, show after show, with your blonde hair brushing the side of your face, as you’ve kept me informed of the news of the world… I’ve heard that breathless little catch in your voice when a particular news item affected your emotions… I’ve seen you unbutton the top button on your blouse to boost your ratings, as well as my pulse… I’ve thought about those silken thighs underneath the desk, crossing and uncrossing… or those… I-I-I-I just imagine what you’re like underneath this desk! The unseen newswoman, as it were! You know what I mean? So, when you ask me, I can safely answer, Jane, because I WANT YOU, as I’ve never before wanted a network anchorperson!

Jane Curtin: Well, I — [ she’s at a loss for words ]

Buck Henry: In addition, Jane, to this lovely plaque, there’s a trophy — a rather large trophy, I must say! Which, uh, I’d rather give to you in private, if I could.

Jane Curtin: [ now completely uncomfortable ] Th-that’s okay… I can live without it.

Buck Henry: Well, uh, the trophy is of an unusual and original design —

Jane Curtin: I’m sure.

Buck Henry: It’s not suitable for home viewing. So, if I could give it to you after the show, say, at your place?

Jane Curtin: Uhhh — thank you very much, Mr. Henry —

Buck Henry: You’re absolutely sure?

Jane Curtin: But, uh — no thank you —

Buck Henry: Alright, in that case, I’ll be taking this award back. I don’t think you’ll need it anyway. I’ll go talk to Barbara, I’ve heard things about her…

[ Buck grabs his plaque and makes his exit ]

Jane Curtin: Good night, and — [ she glares offscreen in Buck’s wake ] That’s the news, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jane scowls and continues to glare offscreen in Buck’s wake ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

The Spirit of St. Louis

Narrator…..Dan Aykroyd
Charles Lindbergh…..Buck Henry
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase

[ open on archival photograph of Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of St. Louis ]

[ Music: “Lucky Lindy” ]

Narrator: Fifty years ago today, a quiet, determined man named Charles Lindbergh was greeted by thousands of cheering Parisians as he landed his Spirit of St. Louis at ?? Field. Other crews had attempted a transatlantic flight, and had died trying. But the Lone Eagle did it alone, challenging the ocean and drowsiness for thirty-three grueling hours on his way to immortality.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: [ checks his watch ] Only thirty-two hours to go.

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: And that was just the first few grueling minutes of the thirty-three grueling hours.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Narrator: Once he left the Jersey coast, night and fog closed in. Unable to see in the darkness, Lindbergh could not tell how far above the ocean his Spirit of St. Louis was flying. And, at times, the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.

Charles Lindbergh: I wonder if I’m perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yes, I am.

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: Yet, Lindy’s greatest danger was his own fatigue. Alone in the tiny cockpit, he talked to himself to keep awake.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: [ yawning ] Oh boy, am I tired! I gotta stay awake, though. If I could just stay awake, someday they’ll be singing a song about this! [ singing ] “Lucky Bergie, staying awake…” no, no, no, not Bergie! Charlie’s my name. It’s Charlie! [ singing ] “Lucky Charlie…” Wait a minute. [ singing ] “Charlie kinda knew! Charlie kinda WOW!! Charlie!” [ he shakes his head no ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: And always at hand was his trusty thermos of hot tea.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: [ pours a cap of tea from his thermos and drinks ] That’s the last of the hot tea… [ he places the empty thermos on the floor and begins to pee into it ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Charles Lindbergh V/O: Gee, I wish there was someone to talk to in here…

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: Wait a minute… I know. [ he fashions a handkerchief around his hand ] Stewardess! Oh, Stewardess! [ moves his fingers like a puppet ] Yes, sir? Could I have some more macademia nuts, please? Right away, sir! Uh, would you like to see a movie? Is there any extra charge? Not for you, big boy! Ah! [ he leans back to turn a projector on ] Wait a minute, Stewardess. I’ve seen this movie before! [ he turns the projector off ] Don’t you have any magazines? Certainly, sir! We have “Spicy Stories” and “French Marbles”. Really? Let me see! [ he reaches down and retrieves a copy of “Spicy Stories” ] Hmm… golly! “Spicy Stories”! [ to his hand ] I think it’s time for you to take a nap, Stewardess!

[ he lowers his hand to his lap and begins to flip the magazine’s pages with his free hand, as the cockpit shakes ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Narrator: Then, turbulence! Yes, unexpected turbulence suddenly jerked the plane off… course! Course! The brave young aviator struggled vainly against sleep, and, once again, he swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.

[ Lindbergh places the magazine down, then closes his eyes and falls asleep ]

Narrator: Wake up! You’re perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!

Charles Lindbergh: [ opens his eyes ] I wonder if I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yep!

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: Up there in the dark, the plucky young American flyer found comfort in thoughts of the Almighty.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: God? I’m tired…

Narrator: Yet, once again the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!

Charles Lindbergh: [ his heart no longer fully into this routine ] I wonder if, once again, I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.

[ he opens the window to peer out, only to be greeted by the theme from “Jaws” and the head of the Land Shark peeking over the window ]

Land Shark: Mr. Lindbar… brown… bing…?

Charles Lindbergh: What?

Land Shark: Captain Lindmare… burr… bear… burr…?

Charles Lindbergh: Who’s that?

Land Shark: Candy-gram.

Charles Lindbergh: [ confused ] I didn’t order any candy!

Land Shark: Um… exterminator.

Charles Lindbergh: I — I don’t need an exterminator! I’m flying solo to Paris!

Land Shark: M-maps… Paris maps.

Charles Lindbergh: I’ve GOT a map!

Land Shark: Compass.

Charles Lindbergh: And I’ve GOT a compass!! Now leave me alone!

Land Shark: Amphetamines.

Charles Lindbergh: [ smiles ] Well, okay… I guess we could chat for a while!

Land Shark: C-could you slow down a bit? I-I can’t keep up.

Charles Lindbergh: Are you swimming?

Land Shark: I’m running.

Charles Lindbergh: You’re running?!

Land Shark: Yes, sir. I’m running.

Charles Lindbergh: You mean… I’m on land, finally? I’ve made it to Paris?! I’ve gone all the way to France?!

Land Shark: Oui, oui, Monsieur.

[ Lindbergh smiles, as as his face is superimposed over crowds of French citizens awaiting his arrival on the ground ]

Narrator: And so, Charles Lindbergh managed to stay awake during man’s first solo flight all the way across the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic! With nothing but a simple compass, a thermos of hot tea, and nine cheap jokes. He became a legend in his own time, that lucky, lucky Lindy.

[ Music Out: “Lucky Lindy” ]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Worships False TV Idols” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Shower Mike

Written by: Bill Murray & Gilda Radner

Richard Herkiman … Bill Murray
Jane Herkiman … Gilda Radner
Richard Cularsky … Buck Henry

[Richard Herkiman, naked but photographed from thewaist up, enters his shower, shuts the curtain, andbegins what is clearly his morning routine:]

Richard Herkiman: Okay! All right! Okay! Another day,another dollar, Richard Herkiman! Let’s go! Come on,let’s go, let’s go! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.[starts the water, it pours down on him] Haaa! Hoga,hoga, haa, heyaheya, ho! Boy, that’s cold! Cold! ThatMexican family’s gotta go! Oh! All the hot water’sgone. Okay. [reaches for something hanging on thetiled wall behind him] Ladies and gentlemen! RichardHerkiman! Hey – hey!

[Herkiman loops a cord around his neck, at one end ofwhich is a microphone-shaped bar of soap, i.e., aShower Mike, and addresses an imaginary audience.Throughout the sketch, he treats the novelty gift asif it were a real microphone.]

Richard Herkiman: Whoo! Thank you, thank you verymuch. Whoo! [sings a cheesy version of the Beatles’song “Something”] Well, there’s something in the waythat that girl mooooooves – that attracts me like noother lover! Yeah, there’s something in the way thatshe woo-oo-oos me.

Jane: [pokes her head through the curtain] Honey?Honey?

Richard Herkiman: [speaks] Ladies and gentlemen –[sings] I don’t want to leave her now — [speaks] avery special guest! [sings] You know I believe andhow!

Jane: [joins him in the shower] Honey?

Richard Herkiman: [speaks] My wife, Mrs. RichardHerkiman, Jane Nash! Come on in, Jane!

[Richard croons wordlessly as Jane starts to latherup.]

Jane: I just want to– Honey, would you quit foolingaround? I just want to take a quick shower, allright? If you don’t mind.

Richard Herkiman: Say, Jane. How do you feel aboutsinging a song today? Huh? [puts the mike up to herface]

Jane: Richard, would you quit fooling around? I’m justtaking a shower.

Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on, honey. Would you mindsinging that wonderful morning song? [to his imaginaryaudience] Come on, let’s hear it for her! Come on!Let’s hear it for her! [The Studio 8H audienceapplauds.]

Jane: Richard!

Richard Herkiman: Jane, go ahead! [holds mike to hermouth]

Jane: [reluctantly sings as Richard snaps his fingersand joins in on a few words] On a clear day, why notlook around you and you’ll see– [speaks] Oh, Richard,stop it! You’re being silly. [starts washing herself]

Richard Herkiman: [squirts water out of his mouth]Listen, honey, a lot of folks out there want to knowif you really love me. Do you, honey?

Jane: [increasingly annoyed] Would you leave me alone,Richard?

Richard Herkiman: Do you love me with your whole heartand soul? Come on, honey!

Jane: Yes, I love you, I love you

Richard Herkiman: “I love you” — I know this is cornyand old-fashioned but, come on, there’s nobody else,is there? You really love, honor and cherish me?

Jane: I love you! Now, leave me alone, I’m in a hurry.

Richard Herkiman: Well, you know, honey, folks outthere, what my wife doesn’t know is that I know she’sbeen cheating on me for the last couple of years andwe’ve got behind the curtain a surprise guest, the manshe’s been seeing behind my back for the last twoyears, here he is! — Richard Cularsky! Come on in,Richard! [Herkiman pulls back the curtain and RichardCularsky enters the shower fully clothed] Good to haveyou aboard! Good to have you.

Jane: [amazed, to Cularksy] What are you doing here?![Cularsky kisses Jane]

Richard Herkiman: Yes, I brought him all the way fromhis home in the city to be with us here today. Isn’tthat terrific?

Cularsky: [Jane and Cularsky hug and kiss one another]Something tells me I shouldn’t have come, you’re toosurprised — but I do love you, come what may.

Richard Herkiman: All right. Now, tell me, kids, youkids must spend a lot of time in the shower togetherwhen I’m not here, huh?

[Herkiman holds mike to Cularksy’s mouth as Jane grabsa bar of soap and starts lathering the fully clothed”guest.”]

Cularsky: You bet! Nah, it’s funny — I – I’ll tellyou the truth. A lot of people have the wrong ideaabout that. It’s actually a lot safer to rent a hotelroom. You know, there’s much less chance of meeting anaunt or an uncle. And you don’t have to worry aboutchanging the sheets on the bed!

Richard Herkiman: Ouch! I forgot how much is involvedin this kind of thing. Whoo! Well, honey, you’ve beenconfronted with this thing now — are ya gonna breakit off with him for the good of your marriage or areyou just gonna continue to stick the knife in andtwist it and twist it, huh?

[Jane and Cularsky laugh.]

Jane: [big grin] Yes, Richard, that’s exactly whatwe’re gonna do!

Richard Herkiman: Wow, that hurts! Okay, you’ll haveto excuse me, but, uh, I’m an emotional guy and Ireally hate to get bad news. I’m sorry but that’s theway I’m built. Okay. Gee, I’m afraid that’s all thetime I’ve got for today. Thanks, kids, for droppingby.

Cularsky: Before you finish, Richard, I just want tosee that — want to say that we’ll be in Philadelphiathe first week in June at the Statler Hotel.

Richard Herkiman: Oh, great. Well, I’ll be looking foryou there. Okay. [Herkiman pulls back the showercurtain and Jane and Cularsky, still kissing, exit theshower] Thanks for stopping by. Mrs. Herkiman and theguy she’s been messing around with!

[Applause]

Richard Herkiman: [to his imaginary audience] Thankyou. That’s about – that’s about all the time we’vegot for– I’ve gotta finish up my shower and jump onthat busy, crazy commuter train o’ mine and get backinto work. We’re gonna go to a commercial right now.Is that right? We’re gonna go to a commercial. But,before, I’d like to go out on one of my favoritesongs. [sings “My Way”] And now the time has come forme to close the shower curtain. [closes the showercurtain] I did what I have to do — [speaks] we’ll seeya tomorrow! — [sings] and saw it through …

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER:
“Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Rhonda Weiss’ Bridal Shower

Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
Barbara…..Jane Curtin
Joycey…..Laraine Newman
Guests…..Anne Beatts, Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Rosie Shuster

[ open on bridal shower atmosphere ]

Girls: [ singing ]
“Happy Engagement, dear Rhonda!!
Happy Engagement to you!!”Yaaayyyyyyy!!!!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is really incredible! I mean, you are really the best in the whole world! We are talking MAJOR niceness of life! Really major!

Barbara: Rhonda… Joycey and I are your best friends. We love you, and if you think that we’d let your engagement go by with NO shower… well, forget it! No way! We’re serious! Come on, really! No kidding! Honest to God!

Joycey: Now, listen. Okay, it’s a kitchen shower, everybody. And, don’t worry, everybody knows that your colors are burnt orange and tapioca!

Barbara: Now, I’m going to make a bouquet of ALL your ribbons, and Joycey is going to make a list of everything you saiy when you open your presents, and THAT’LL be what you say on your wedding night, okay?

Rhonda Weiss: [ cheerfully ] Oh, you guys are so GREAT! Really, really, you are!

Barbara: Okay! [ picks up a gift ] The first one is from Joanne Pearlstein. I’ll just take the ribbon.

Rhonda Weiss: [ takes the gift ] Oh, thank you, Joanne! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, a melon baller.

Barbara: Ohhhh, isn’t that thoughtful!

Joycey: How WONDERFUL!!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you know — I mean, like, when — when you don’t have any melon, and, uh — and — and you — then you don’t want it in balls, you know? You don’t mind that you don’t have a melon baller. But if you DO have melon, and you want it balled, and you don’t have a melon baller, you — then you really wish that you had a melon — [ to Barbara ] Am I right?

Barbara: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Joycey: Right.

Barbara: I mean, I know. Because, before I had my melon baller, I went without having my melon in balls for a REALLY long time!

Joycey: Me, too!

Joanne: I did, too!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Joanne!

Barbara: [ picks up a gift ] Okay, this one is from Rachel.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel! I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, an egg tweezer! Oh, you know, this is the kind of thing that you always really want, but you never buy for yourself.

Joycey: Yes, it is! Like, before I had my egg tweezer, I didn’t really miss it. But, now that I have one, I couldn’t live without it!

Barbara: It’s so true! I enjoyed mine so much that, every time I tweeze an egg, I think of the person who gave it to me!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel!

Barbara: Cute paper, Rachel!

Joycey: Good card!

Barbara: Cute ribbon! Good curling!

[ Rhonda grabs her next gift ]

Barbara: Oh! This one! This one is from Eileen Freelander!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Eileen! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Oh, look! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, it’s an apron! It’s an apron, and it says “For This I Went To College?”

Joycey: Oh, that’s cute! That’s cute!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is the BEST bridal shower a person ever had — except for the one my cousin Judy gave me last Saturday.

Barbara: Okay, well, now it’s time for the surprise!

Rhonda Weiss: Surprise? What do you mean? What could it be?

Joycey: You’ll see!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I don’t want anything else. No, this is enough. Really. [ Barbara brings in a large, oversized gift ] Oh, no! Oh, God! What is it?

Barbara: It’s a combination blender-microwave oven-yogurt maker-waffle iron and vegetable steamer.

Joycey: From Louise and I, with L-U-V!

Rhonda Weiss: [ holding back the tears ] I — I mean — like — like this is the — like — like — I mean, this is what I want to — like — all I can say is, I have only wanted this… since I saw it last September in Bloomingdale’s Houseware Sale catalog. May I die if I am lying. I mean, I was willing to give up my Going Away dress to get this. Please, God, if I am lying, may I accidentally swallow my cotnact lenses when I am washing them in my mouth.

[ Barbara and Joycey hug Rhonda ]

[ hands Rhonda a bouquet ] Here’s your ribbon bouquet to carry down the aisle for your rehearsal.

Joycey: Okay, and here’s what you’ll say on your wedding night: “Thank you. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m really sure I’ll like it!” [ all the girls shriek with joy ]

Rhonda Weiss: [ in tears ] Thank you… thank you, everybody. I — I just want to say that I — that I hope that you’ll be able to meet very nice criminal lawyers named Barry Leibowitz in your futures. [ the girls “Awwww!” ] Thank you.

[ camera pulls back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Reincarnation — Just Another Rerun?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Samurai B.M.O.C.

Secretary…..Gilda Radner
Jamal…..Garrett Morris
Dean Bynam…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, Dean Bynam’s office, as his Secretary enters and approaches Jamal at the desk ]

Secretary: Uh — I’m terribly sorry for the delay. Dean Bynam will be with you in a moment — it’s just that he’s performing a live sex act onstage. Alright? Uh, you don’t mind waiting a little bit, do you?

[ he nods his head No ]

Secretary: [ she chuckles ] Excuse me.

[ the Secretary exits the office, as Jamal waits patiently ]

[ finally, Dean Bynam enters ]

Dean Bynam: Sorry to keep you waiting. Just finishing my cottage cheese. [ he takes his seat behind the desk ] Now, uh — what can I do for you?

Jamal: Dean Bynam? We DEMAND that there be an end to racist hiring practices! We want our OWN all-Black Student Union, and we insist upon an increase! Uh — in funds allocated for Afro-American studies! Now, do you dig?!

Dean Bynam: Yes, I do, Keith.

Jamal: That’s Jamal!

Dean Bynam: Oh, Jamal. I’m sorry, yes.

[ Buck Henry misses his next line, as Garrett Morris shifts his eyes and waits for his cue ]

Jamal: Then, WHAT, may I ask, do you propose to DO about it?!

Dean Bynam: Not a thing!

Jamal: Well, if that is your answer, man, then the Organization of Afro-American Students will CONTINUE its occupation of this administration building until these demands are MET!!

Dean Bynam: Jamal, let me explain something to you. It’s been FIVE years since your group seized the administration building. [ he stands ] Am I right?

Jamal: Yeah!

Dean Bynam: During those last five years, haven’t you noticed the construction activity going on across the quad? You know, the bulldozers, the cranes?

Jamal: Yes. Yeah, I have.

Dean Bynam: What you saw, Keith… going up… was our new administration building —

Jamal: Jamal, man!

Dean Bynam: Jamal. Sorry. That’s our NEW adminstration building. It was going to be the new Afro-American Student Union Building, but when your group occupied the administration building, we decided to CHANGE the signs!

Jamal: [ as the shock sinks in ] In other words… our group has seized what’s now the old administration building…

Dean Bynam: And has been for the past five years. That’s why your list of demands has been given such little attention lately.

Jamal: Oh. Okay… I can dig that…

Dean Bynam: Alright. so, if you’re still interested in those demands, I suggest you take over the new administration building, and then we’ll talk.

Jamal: You have an idea.

Dean Bynam: [ answering the phone ] Hello! Yes, honey. Yeah. I’m having an exceptionally rough day… [ to Jamal ] That will be all.

[ Jamal makes his exit ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] No, there’s one last student that I have to see.

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Uh — uh — the student is here now. Here’s his file.

Dean Bynam: Thank you.

[ Secretary exits ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] It’s some, uh, senior that I can’t allow to graduate. I don’t know — a Big Man On Campus who’s in for a real surprise. Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be another one. Okay. Alright, I’ll see you later. Bye. [ he hangs up ]

[ Samurai Futaba enters the room ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

Dean Bynam: Take a seat, please.

[ Samurai grunts as he polishes an apple on his kimono and offers it to the Dean ]

Dean Bynam: That’s very nice of you, but, uh — take a seat, and let’s get right to the point.

[ Samurai grunts as he sits ]

Dean Bynam: Alright. Frankly… as Dean of Monroe College, I cannot, in good conscience, permit you to receive a degree from our school.

Samurai: [ with a grunt ] Hmm?

Dean Bynam: Yeah.

[ Samurai grunts a series of excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely not! I’ve heard it before. I’ve heard the explanations, I’ve heard the excuses…

[ Samurai grunts another excuse ]

Dean Bynam: I know you had mono — that’s no excuse.

[ Samurai grunts a series of further excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Listen, I’ve dealt with your kind for quite a long time, and you’re all fun and games. That’s all you seem to care about.

[ Samurai grunts with a “Big deal!” gesture ]

Dean Bynam: Alright, you’re still not convinced? Let’s look at the record. As good ol’ Calvin Coolidge said…

[ Samurai grunts a correction ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, you’re right — it was Al Smith. He did say that. [ looking at Samurai’s record ] I see you’ve been a busy man for these past four years: you were President of your dormitory, a member of the Debating team, the Future Nurses of America, uh, you ran the sushi concession at the home basketball games, and were a member of the Yuong Republicans. Very impressive.

[ Samurai gives himself a hand cheer ]

Dean Bynam: Your grades are another story.

[ Samurai clears his throat and offers more excuses ]

Dean Bynam: No, no, no. No, no.

[ Samurai grunts a rambling excuse ]

Dean Bynam: What did you say? That’s ridiculous!

[ Samurai grunts ]

Dean Bynam: Yes! But you MAJORED in Biology, and you FAILED CHemistry, Physics, and Calculus!

Samurai: Oh?

Dean Bynam: As a matter of fact, the only course you did well in was Organic Chemistry, and that’s the toughest course we offer. EVERYONE fails that, and you got — you got a “A” in it. You took it with Ms. Bennett, no less, a really tough cookie of a professor. How did you manage that with Ms. Bennett?

[ the Samurai slides his sword in and out of his sheath ]

Dean Bynam: I’ll have to talk to Ms. Bennett later… Uh — well, that does explain it. Now, let’s look at your record.

[ Samurai slaps his hands together ]

Dean Bynam: Alright… you failed Asian Studies. That’s the easiest course we give! I mean, just being able to identify the continent of Asia should be able to give you a “C” in that course!

[ Samurai grunts at Dean Bynam ]

Dean Bynam: YES!

[ Samurai asks permission to identify Asia ]

Dean Bynam: Of course!

[ the Samurai whips out his sword, and gives a violent swipe in the direction of Dean Bynam’s globe. He slices off the side of the globe and hands it to Dan Bynam. ]

Dean Bynam: Yeah. That’s Asia, alright. Alright, we can change that to a “C”, I guess. [ he makes the change ] But, uh, a “C” will not give you a passing average. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to notify your parents. That’s my decision.

[ Samurai panics, and begins to grunt for mercy ]

Dean Bynam: Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. Your grandfather will have to know. I suppose — I suppose they were probably very strict with you?

[ Samurai grunts and displays a bent-back finger on his hand ]

Dean Bynam: I understand. But I’m telling you there is NOTHING I can do! I MUST fail you! You CANNOT graduate!

[ Samurai whips out his hari-kari sword and presses it against his stomach ]

Dean Bynam: Ooooooh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Alright! Alright. Alright, you can graduate. If you’re willing to go that far, I can allow you to graduate. But you do understand this is not going to be easy. I’ve got to convince the Academic Credits Committee.

[ Samurai grunts and waves his hand ]

Dean Bynam: Well… it shouldn’t be too hard. After all, the President is an old fraternity brother of mine.

[ Samurai grunts in surprise ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, yes. I belong to a fraternity.

[ Samurai grunts proudly ]

Dean Bynam: You were in a fraternity? Really? Which one?

[ the Samurai jumps to his feet, whips out his sword, and swipes three times at the top of the rolled-up curtain along one window. Dean Bynam rises, pulls the curtain down, and reveals the fraternity symbols slices into the curtain. ]

Dean Bynam: Ahhh! Phi Delta Watashi! Listen, this is incredible! We’re brothers!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely! Look! [ he grabs a pillow ] Here’s the Phi Delt pillow!

[ they perform their fraternity handshake ]

Dean Bynam: You remember the yell? The fraternity yell?

[ they perform the fraternity yell together ]

Dean Bynam: This is incredible! Alright, you CAN graduate!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Yes, indeed!

[ Samurai throws the fraternity pillow into the air, then swats it with his sword. He reaches down to retrieve his morterboard and places it on his head. ]

Dean Bynam: Congratulations!

[ they shake hands and freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

[ camera rises into the audience, and zooms in on unsuspecting woman with SUPER: “Finally Fell In With The Right Crowd” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Michael O’Donoghue

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Buck Henry
… Michael O’Donoghue
Mormon Tabernacle Choir … Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, many others

[Buck Henry stands at a darkened home base addressingthe camera.]

Buck Henry: A year or so ago, it was my distinct goodfortune to introduce one of the most amazing men it’sbeen my privilege ever to see in the world of showbusiness — that unique and extraordinaryimpressionist, Mr. Michael O’Donoghue.

[Applause. Henry turns to the shadows behind him andapplauds as a burst of Vegas-style show music kicksin. From the shadows emerges Michael O’Donoghue –sometimes known as the evil Mr. Mike — wearing hisgarish paisley tuxedo and dark glasses. O’Donoghue andHenry shake hands and Henry exits. The music andapplause end and O’Donoghue addresses the camera,earnestly.]

Michael O’Donoghue: As a top impressionist, I spend somuch of my time out on the road doing club dates. Andthe thing I like to do the most after the show torelax and sort of wind down … You just turn on theold stereo and listen to a great choir. And whenyou’re talkin’ great choir, you’re talkin’ MormonTabernacle Choir. [Audience bursts into applause,O’Donoghue eggs them on:] Yeah! Yeah! All right! Allright! [Applause ends.] You know, I kid the MormonTabernacle Choir but — I love ’em. And I happened tobe in Utah recently so I drove over to the tabernacleto hear them and while they were singing “Shenandoah”or “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” or “For Unto Us aChild is Born” — you know, one of those moving,inspirational songs that just sends a chill right upyour spine — well, I was listening to this and afunny thought occurred to me. I thought, what ifsomeone took steel needles — well, well, actually,hundreds of pairs of steel needles — say, fifteen,eighteen inches long — with real sharp points — andplunged them into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s eyes?What would their reaction be? I think it might gosomething like this.

[O’Donoghue removes his glasses, pockets them, andturns around as the lights at home base go up toreveal a massive choir of people in dark robes.O’Donoghue faces this choir, takes a pitch pipe fromhis pocket and blows a note. The choir responds byhumming the note back at him. All is quiet asO’Donoghue steadies himself, then grandly raises hisarms in the air. The choir responds by covering theireyes with their hands. All pause for a moment,motionless, silent. O’Donoghue glances to his left,then turns back to the choir. His arms drop andsuddenly he and the choir begin clutching their eyes,screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs,staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing aroundon the stage, kicking, trying to get up and thenfalling, dropping to their knees in agony, etc. Aftera few moments of this chaos and confusion, Buck Henryreturns to join the audience in applauding the choirwhich is sprawled and writhing all over home base.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry
Dominatrix…..Edie Baskin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Buck Henry!

[ buck runs down to the apron of the stage, where a fold-out cot, vat of cottage cheese, and a stock await him ]

Buck Henry: Thank you. Thank you all very much. Now, uh, I’ve been here a few times before. And, uh, this time, when I was called to, uh, host the show again, I said… “well — I mean, uh, there’s not much I can do that I haven’t already done.” And, uh, the folks at NBC said, “Well… consider the stage… yours. Do anything you want. You have freedom.” NBC is the network that has broken taboos — this show is an iconoclastic show, it does anything it wants to do, it doesn’t play by the rules. So Lorne Michaels, the crack producer of “NBC’s Saturday Night Live”, said, “Do whatever you want. WHATEVER you want!” And, so, I took my cue from the city of New York, and from the 42nd Street area… and… I proposed to, to Lorne, and to the network… to base the show on, on the theme of… pornography. Or, for you intellectuals… FILTH. So… if, uh, if Lorne and, uh, NBC, and the “Saturday Night” crew is ready, I am about to offer them this challenge. to see if INDEED they’re ready to put their money where their mouth is. So I’ve ordered, as props, from this, uh, unbelievably, uh, well, uh — [ he touches the post ] This is a stock. [ he grabs a whip from it ] This is a leather whip. [ turns to the cot ] This is a clever fold-away bed. [ turns to the vat ] And this vat of cottage cheese — large curd. [ he splashes his hand in it and licks the leftover ] With which, if Mr. Michaels and the NBC censor… and the entire network, in fact, is ready… I offer the challenge that, for the first time, I propose, ON network television, to perform ON STAGE, a live sex act. How about THAT, Mr. Michaels!

Lorne Michaels V/O: Go ahead, Buck.

Buck Henry: [ he pauses dramtically ] WITH… a member of the audience.

[ the audience cheers ]

Lorne Michaels V/O: The censor’s right beside me — he says fine, Buck.

Buck Henry: [ with mild surprise ] He says fine, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels V/O: Absolutely. Go ahead.

Buck Henry: Alright. We’ll just see about that. Could you, uh — [ licks cottage cheese off his finger ] get some shots of the audience, David? And we’ll see if there’s a likely volunteer for this television first.

[ the camera cuts to an audience shot, as members wave enthusiastically to the camera ]

Buck Henry V/O: Mmm-hmm… yes. It could be you…

[ the camera pans across the audience, holding momentarily on a smiling nun ]

Buck Henry V/O: No, I… think not you, Sister. No. Maybe next year.

[ the camera continues to pan across waving audience members ]

Buck Henry V/O: It could be you… no? Well, maybe…

[ the camera pauses on a dominatrix wearing an eyepatch ]

Buck Henry V/O: What about you, lady? That’s not bad!

[ the camera continues to pan across waving audience members ]

Buck Henry V/O: Huh? No. Okay.

[ the camera pauses on an attractive woman in the audience ]

Buck Henry V/O: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold that camera! I think we see a volunteer! Yes, indeed! It definitely could be YOU! So… COME ON DOWN!!

[ the woman appears like she is about to stand, but the man dressed in gym clothes next to her stands up instead and rushes to the stage ]

[ onstage, Buck opens the cot and prepares himself for adventure, unaware of the mix-up in the audience until it’s too late and the man grabs Buck from behind and throws him down onto the cot ]

Buck Henry: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Lorne Michaels V/O: Go ahead, Buck!

Buck Henry: [ muffled ] We’ll be right back…!

SNL Transcripts