Month: October 2018

Nick the Lounge Singer

Nick Thinblood…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
Niece Natasha…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Paul Shaffer pounding the keys of his piano at the opening of the Omagawli Casino ]

Nick Thinblood V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. the Entertainment Division of the Omagawli Nation proudly welcomes you to the opening of its Exhibition Hall/Antique Car Show/Moving Casino! We’re proud to introduce to you, without reservation, our host for the festivities for this evening, Mr. Nick Thinblood!

[ Nick Thinblood steps out ]

Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]“Omagawli people!
Omagawli tribe
So proud to win
So proud to double-down and let it ri-ide!”

Pinch me, somebody, yeah! What a hot night, thank you! Thank you! 7-come-11, we’re gonna have a hot time tonight! I’m Nick Thinblood – originally Nick Ansara, but I changed my name to the Omagawli Thinblood when I found I was 1/256th Omagawli. Which cuts me in on the Friends and Family profit-sharing, which we’re all crazy about! Hey! Are we gonna tear this place up tonight, Paul, or what?

Paul Shaffer: Yes, we are.

Nick Thinblood: You know, the Omagawli have been in this valley for 7,000 years – or maybe it just seems that way! And they’ve always been a gambling nation. Always been a gambler. They took a chance on the white man. I’m kidding! I’m kidding! That may not heal everything, but this is finally one red nation that’s gonna get into the black. What a glittery, glittery night we’ve got here for the Omagawli..

[ walks amongst the audience ]

Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, celebrities, celbrities.. [ points to Jerry Seinfeld ] I know you! You’re.. uh.. you’re great, I love you, you’re fantastic! [ points to Cheri Oteri ] Oh, and you, when you do your thing and you fluff it up, that’s great, I love that!

[ points to Michael Douglas in the audience ]

Oh! I am such a huge fan.. of your father! Would you say hi to for me, because I really love him..

[ points to Catherine Zeta-Jones ]

Mrs. Zorro! Oh, God! [ to celebrity sitting next to her ] Excuse me.. excuse me, I’m light! [ sits down to talk to Zeta-Jones ] Oh, my God! And you have that great name! Jones! That’s great! Ah.. [ singing ] “Me and.. Cathy.. Zeta.. Zita?” Is it Zeta or Zita? Zeta? [ singing ] “Zeta, Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones!” [ mimes fencing ] On guard! Hey, nice outfit, muchas gracias. Would you give my regards to Mr. Don Diego del a Vega for me? Thank you very much!

[ Nick makes his way through the audience to get back ot the stage, but stops when he sees Drew Barrymore ]

Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, look at the profile on this one. Runs in the family, huh? [ to the stage ] Could you turn off my mike for one second? [ kneels in front of Drew ] We’re so glad you cleaned up! [ to the stage ] Mike back on! Mike back on! [ to Drew ] I’d like to dedicate something for you.. [ singing ] “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.. please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.. I know that you’re gonna have it your weay or nothing at all.. but I think you’re moving too fast!” You take, little Precious, okay?

[ Nick returns to the main stage as entrance music pots up ]

Nick Thinblood: Oh, excuse me! I’d like to give an introduction to somebody who needs an introduction, because.. all of you are celebrities, but none of you are a chief. And, quickly – a chief does not receive a standing ovation. Uh.. this man is a visionary, he’s a seer.. he’s a developer, a contractor to the Notary Republic. Please welcome the ??Tuti Koppel?? of the Omagawli, Mr. Jimmy Joe Red Sky. Chief Red Sky!

[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky enters stage with his Niece ]

Nick Thinblood: Good eveing, Chief. And who is this lovely young maiden.

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Oh, this is my lovely niece, Natasha Metzer.

Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God.. Jimmy Joe is like the Donald Trump of the Omagawli nation, is that right?

Niece Natasha: Donald Trump, ha! New money. You know, he’s got a couple of buildings, he knows Butkus. You know, Jimmy Joe’s great uncle, he used to own all of Manhatten and the five bouroughs.

Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ]

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: They lost it all on a lacrosse game, but it’s a great night tonight. And I want to thank our local congressman, Chris Dodd, for giving us that lovely freeway off-ramp which got everybody to the casino in record time tonight!

Niece Natasha: Go ahead, honey, tell them why.

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, we got that off-ramp because, I’m proud to say, the Omagawli tribe was provided with the opportunity to underwrite the government funding for the entire Kosovo War!

Nick Thinblood: Oh, that’s great! Leave it to the Omagawli to still trust the white man. I love that! Hey, Chris Dodd, too, how about that? Hey, have you had any luck here this opening week, Chief?

Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, Nick, you tend to have a good bit of luck when you own the asino.

Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ] I love it! you two have a great time tonight at the Cheyenne Suite!

[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky and his Niece exit the stage ]

Nick Thinblood: So special. So special. Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. [ walks up to Garrett Morris in the audience ] Here’s that Standing O you’ve all been waiting for – one of the original “Saturday Night Live” guys, Mr. Garrett Morris, everybody! [ the audience stands and applauses ] It’s all for you, G-Man! [ quiets the audience down ] I’ve got to continue! I have to finish here! Please! What’s opening night doing for you, Garrett?

Garrett Morris: Uh.. blackjack tables bin berry berry good to me!

Nick Thinblood: Alright! Alright! You know, you “SNL” guys are having your own party tonight. 25-year anniversary, how about that, huh?

Garrett Morris: Yeah, Nick, you know what? I bet this show is gonna go on for another 25 years.

Nick Thinblood: Oh, say Amen to that, man.

Garrett Morris: Amen! Amen! Halleluah!

Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]
“In the year 2525
if network television can survive
and if Lorne Michaels is still alive
there will be a “Saturday Night Live”.”

Garrett Morris: Hey.. hey.. lookie here, you know what? That was better than the original!

Nick Thinblood: Oh, you’re too kind, Soul Man! You know, it occurs to me that “SNL” and the Omagawli have something in common. I mean, at one time we were both very culturally important, and then trashed, and then on the bottom, spat upon, and now rising again like a phoenix in the ashes. I don’t think it matters what people out there think, I think it means a lot what happens.. [ taps his chest ] ..in here. You know what I’m saying? Right in here.

[ returns to stage, singing “Badlands” ]

“For the ones who had a notion,
A notion deep inside,
That it ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive
I wanna find one face that ain’t looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands!”

Garrett! Help me with a pause for the cause, Garrett Morris!

[ Garrett appears in an oval on the left side of the screen ]

Garrett Morris: Sure!

Nick Thinblood: A little something for the hearing-impaired, would you mind?

Garrett Morris: Sure, Nick, right on, man!

Nick Thinblood: Live..!

Garrett Morris: Live..!

Nick Thinblood: ..from New York..!

Garrett Morris: ..from New York..!

Nick Thinblood: ..it’s Saturday Night!

Garrett Morris: ..it’s Saturday Ni-ight!

SNL Transcripts

Chris Rock’s Monologue

…..Chris Rock

Chris Rock: Thank you! Welcome to the show, I’m out here because somebody had to do it. And I guess they thought I would be the best guy for it. “Saturday Night Live”, 25 years on the air – and, uh.. four funny, so.. I mean, who are we kidding, come on!

I look around this room, look at the star power. Look at the comedic genius. I’m looking at some of the most overrated people in the history of comedy! Some of the worst movies ever made were made by people in this room! Thank God we’re gonna do what we all do best – television!

Okay, we got a great show for you tonight! We’ve got.. The Eurythmics are here! We’ve got The Beastie Boys, Elvis Costello! Al Green! Everybody’s here! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

Mike Myers

…..Mike Myers

Mike Myers: Thank you! When I joined the cast in 1989, I was the new guy in a group that had been together for three years. I had to make new friends, I didn’t have an office, Nora Dunn kept calling me Mark. She still does. She did it tonight.

But then you do your work, time flies, and one day you look around and you’re one of the guys, and you’re a senior. And then you see the new new guy, nervous, trying to write his first Update feature, and your heart says, “Wow! I must destroy him.”

Here are some clips from the years 1985-1990. I’m the fresh-faced, auburn-haired lad near the end.

SNL Transcripts

Meadows/Morris

…..Garrett Morris
…..Tim Meadows

Garrett Morris: Hi. I’m Garrett Morris, and this is my son Timothy Matthews.

Tim Meadows: It’s Meadows.

Garrett Morris: Uh.. uh.. Meadows! Meadows! Uh, yes.. you know, 25 years ago, when I worked for this show, the writers just didn’t seem to be able to come up with material for me, a black man. You know what I mean?

Tim Meadows: Yes, well, it’s different now at the new Afro-friendly NBC.

Garrett Morris: Oh, really?

Tim Meadows: [ pulls out card ] Actually, here, they want you to read that.

Garrett Morris: [ reads card ] “Ladies and gentlemen, Reverand Al Green.”

SNL Transcripts

Phil Hartman Tribute

…..Jon Lovitz
…..Jan Hooks
…..Dennis Miller
…..Mike Myers
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Nora Dunn

[ the 1986-1990 cast stand collectively to thunderous applause ]

Jon Lovitz: [ on the verge of tears ] My friend and my older brother, Phil Hartman, spent eight years at “Saturday Night Live”. And.. he eventually worked with over.. 25 cast members.. but all of us were with him in the beginning.

Jan Hooks: The following is a film that Phil and I did together in our third season. This is for you, Phil, we love you so much.

“Love Is A Dream”.

SNL Transcripts

TV Funhouse

[ Lorne Michaels walks onstage at SNL’s 25th Anniversary special ]

Lorne Michaels: Hi. I’m Lorne Michaels.

[ presses “Applause” button on remote control, forcing applause from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control, eliciting a standing ovation ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Thank you.

[ presses “Misty Eye” button on remote control, eliciting tears from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Really. [ applause quiets ] You know, I think it was when John and Danny were coming into their own, and Chevy came back to host, that the show really had that thing of “Are we a hit? Now is a-“

[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ]

[ cut back to Lorne finishing his speech ]

Lorne Michaels: ..and now Jimmy Fallon is hot, and that’s the show!

[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control to awake his sleeping audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses “Ejecto Magnet” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler flying into his arms for a hug ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you, Mike. Adam, that’s really not necessary. Thank you both.

[ presses “Release” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler running back into the audience ]

Lorne Michaels: We’ve had a lot of fun tonight, but, as you know, “Saturday Night Live” isn’t just about glitzy guests and fabulous outfits and glamorous parties. It’s also about merchandising. No self-congratulatory celebration would be complete without a nod to the hot new line of “SNL” anniversary gear you’ll be hearing about in loud commercials during the 2 AM Jay Leno show.

[ Lorne holds up first product ]

Lorne Michaels: First, Conehead Suppositories. Beldar and his family are anything but regular, but why shouldn’t you be?

[ Lorne holds out next product ]

Lorne Michaels: Here’s the Dennis Miller Squeeze-Me Doll.

[ Lorne squeezes the doll ]

Dennis Miller Squee-Me Doll: And what about the people who transverse the entire Gatston Purchase with their f–king turn-signal off? What do you think that clicking sound is, Assface?!

[ Lorne holds out last product ]

Lorne Michaels: And, finally, Chico Escuela’s Berry Berry Good Orange Drink. I was in St. Bart’s when they approved this one.

And if that’s not enough, here’s a few quick clips from the 45th Anniversary show, available on VHS.

[ cut to futuristic clip of heavyset Wayne and Garth ]

Wayne & Garth: We’re not.. worthy! Sch..wing!

[ cut to futuristic clip of wrinkly Paul Simon singing ]

“Still crazy after all these yearrrrrsss..”

[ cut to futuristic clip of elderly Lorne Michaels wearing tissue boxes for shoes ]

Lorne Michaels: And I think it was when Chevy first did Ford that –

[ Lorne is zapped by lightning ]

[ cut back to present-day Lorne Michaels addressing his present-day audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Yes, the “SNL” anniversary is the talk of the town, and the hottest ticket. Everyone wants a seat to this show. The only hard part is whom to choose. [ bites pinky finger ]

[ singing ]

“So many performers
all deserving, you’ll agree
But someone has to seal their fate
I suppose.. it.. should.. be.. me!

Let’s put Steve and Billy in the front
with Molly in between!
Michael Hall and Terry Sweeney
feel like Row 14!

For Victoria and Garrett,
Row 9 should do!
Let’s put Gwyneth in Row 1
and the Paltrows in Row 2!

For Jon it’s tough to pick it
but I think Row 8’s the ticket!

Now, let’s balcony the cast
from the years I was away!
Could we possibly booth the Green Room
for Andrew “Dice” Clay?

Robin Duke and Gary Kroeger
can have a pleasant chat
Seated 20 rows behind
Eddie Murphy and his ca-a-a-a-attt!”

[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ]

[ cut back to Lorne putting the finishing touches on his act ]

Lorne Michaels:
“‘Cause it’s.. my… sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwww!!”

[ a la Bugs Bunny cartoon, Jon Lovitz holds Lorne to as high a note as possible, until the room caves in over him ]

Jon Lovitz: [ walks past, chewing on carrot ] Yeah, that’s the ticket!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Fernando

Fernando…..Bill Crystal

Fernando: Saludos, my darlings! I am so crazy going nuts to be back, I’m telling you. As always, my nipples are hard, because after 25 years of living la vida loca, I still look mahvelous! I do! And I gotta tell you, darlings, some of you do, too. And you know who you are!

This is such a celebrity-infested night. I look around and I see so many greats. Look at this guy, look.

[ show Steve Martin ]

Phil Donahue. I gotta tell you. Say hi to Marlo, and I miss the phone calls when I would make believe I was somebody, and get you confused on the show. It’s so fabulous to see you. Who else is here? You see a lot of guests, look.

[ show Chris Rock ]

Eddie! Eddie, they said you weren’t coming, but you should be here, because when you did the Alfalfa, with the people going crazy going nuts, we all went nuts. But, darlings, some of the superstars here tonight, I look around the room, some of the beautiful people. I see a beautiful star right here – Miss Susan Sarandon.

[ show Susan Sarandon ]

But Susan here, you’re such a mahvelous actress. You make a non-sexy in a movie, that’s so hard to do. But you torture me tonight, darling, with the shawl and the high neck. On a cold night, like.. oh! Because you always look like they’re coming towards you like two puppies going for the chow. Do you know what I’m saying? They always look mahv-

[ show Gary Busey in the audience ]

Gary Busey! You’re alive! I cannot believe that you are alive! I’m so happy for you, but I lost ten bucks! I can’t believe that! Oh, that swings the whole pool! You have no lines, Gary, but it’s so great to see you. No, I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.. [ Gary stands comically menacingly ] No, sit down! Oh, look, the second coming! I mean, no, when you played the Buddy Jolly, everybody thought you were mahvelous, with the Academy Award.. Who else is here? Look at this. Look who’s up there.

[ show Glenn Close ]

Glenn Close. And I wish I was. Let me tell you something, darling, you look fabulous in a dress from the Geoff Chandler collection. But, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: if Helen Hayes is dead, and I believe she is, you are the First Lady of the American Theater. Now, I’m not kidding you, you are. Look who else is here. I am crazy going nuts!

[ show Susan St. James ]

It’s Susan St. James. Am I right? Is that you? It’s Susan! Let me tel you something. You are my favorite Charlie’s Angel, you are. Because you know why, darling? Because you are the smart one. And it’s a – Oh, God. I’ve got to leave the stage, look who’s here. I cannot believe this, I’m crazy going nuts!

[ Fernando walks over to where David Cone and David Wells are seated ]

Well, if it isn’t Mr. and Mr. Perfect. Look at this. David Cone and.. help me with that name.. David Wells, David Cone, New York Yankees, perfect game. But I’ve got to tlel you something, darlings. Can I sit on your lap just a second? [ sits ] This is from a baseball fan. I went to those perfect games, and I gotta tell you something. Nothing happens. There’s not a jit, there’s not a jomer, nothing. It’s a little boring. Now, you two guys owe something to the fans to have more exciting games than these games where nobody gets a hit and nobody get on. It’s boring! I sit there and go, “What the hell is this?” And I’m a Jankees fan, I’m a big Jankees fan. Tom Janks and I are big Jankees fan. And there’s a bone I have to pick with you, and apparently you’ve been picking some bones yourslf, look at you! I kid you, I’m a kidder! We miss you, we miss you here, David.

[ Fernando returns to the stage ]

Wait! Oh!

[ show Damnny DeVito in the audience ]

There is Danny DeVito. Hello, darling. Danny, we go back a long time. You are a good friend of mine, you are a little Pokemon, you are. No, I mean that! I want to find you in a Happy Meal and trade you with my friends. That’s how much I love to you.

[ sits ]

Oh, darlings, I gotta tell you. I love being back here, and like Errol Flynn used to say about love: Who cares if she’s 15? You know what I’m saying to you? That’s what he used to say.

[ Stage Manager Joe Dicso gives Fernando the signal to wrap things up ]

What is this? Oh, look at this, Joe Dicso – look at this. What are you telling me, that I need a tuck or a trim? No, he’s telling me that we have to go. But let me tell you something, darlings. As I’ve always said, it’s better to look good than to feel good. And now, let’s take a look at some clips, when we all looked mmmmuch younger. Ciao! I’ve got to mambo!

SNL Transcripts

Chris Farley Tribute

…..David Spade

David Spade: Okay. Does everyone understand why I’m the only one getting paid tonight? Okay. There was some confusion.

Um.. it’s good to be here tonight. We’ve got Tom Hanks, Michael Douglas in the audience.. Don’t these TV people give you the creeps?I feel uneasy. Um.. no, I’m here to talk about Chris. I did two movies with Chris Faley – a funny one called “Tommy Boy”, and another one called “Black Sheep”. [ laughs ] And, uh, not only was Chris funny, but he was also business-savvy. When “Black Sheep” came out, we were trying to think of ways to raise awareness, something original. We had a great idea – when people sneezed, instead of saying “Bless you”, we’d say “Back Sheep!” It was almost too good. “Achoo! Black Sheep!” Yeah, that never really caught on, not even with friends. Actually, it was more Chris’ idea.

Uh.. but the saddest part about tonight, it’s hard to talk about him, but the truth is no one would have had a better time tonight, all around his buddies, everyone he loved here. And here’s one thing he did with Paul McCartney that I thought was funny.

SNL Transcripts

Dr. Evil

…..Mike Myers
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Tim Meadows
…..Kevin Spacey

[ Mike Myers sits with Lorne Michaels in a back office ]

Mike Myers: Well, he’s not really based on you, Lorne. You know? He’s sort of an amalgam of a lot of different people.. who I, um.. who I respect and admire.

Lorne Michaels: Right. But did you have to name him Dr. Evil?

Mike Myers: [ laughs ] Well, that just happens to be his last name, you know? I mean.. Marvin Gaye is not gay, right?

Lorne Michaels: Yeah.

Mike Myers: And, you know, Dr. Evil’s a really likeable character, Lorne. I mean, he likes animals, he loves his son..

Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.

Mike Myers: And he loves power.. and money.. That’s good, right?

Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.

Mike Myers: Anyways, you know what? You know, Dr. Evil’s nothing like you, Lorne. I mean, you don’t have your “henchmen” kill people.

Lorne Michaels: No.. no, not since the 70’s.

[ Tim Meadows enters ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Mike!

Lorne Michaels: Hey, Tim.

Tim Meadows: Hey, Dr. Evil!

Mike Myers: Hey, he’s not Dr. Evil, Tim! Okay? He’s not! Alright, buddy? Thank you! [ stands ] I mean, you’re not! You know? You’re not Dr. Evil! Okay? He’s so not Dr. Evil, it’s crazy how not Dr. Evil he is!

[ Mike exits ]

Lorne Michaels: Tim, should I be worried about this Dr. Evil thing?

Tim Meadows: [ sits ] No, Lorne. I don’t think a lot of people saw that movie.

[ Kevin Spacey enters ]

Kevin Spacey: Hey, Tim.

Tim Meadows: Hey.

Kevin Spacey: Hey, Lorne, you were great in “Austin Powers”, just so hilarious! Evil. Really funny.

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

Kevin Spacey: And you were great, too, Mini Lorne Michaels.

[ camera zooms out to reveal a miniarure Lorne Michaels standing on a chair ]

Mini Lorne: Thanks, Kevin!

Lorne Michaels: How are you, Mini Lorne? Are you hungry? Would you like a Hot Pocket? Could I get a friggin’ Hot Pocket around here?!

[ Tim rushes out for a Hot Pocket, as Lorne and Mini Lorne bite their pinky finger ]

SNL Transcripts

The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer

[ Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp take the stage in front of their keyboard and microphone ]

Marty Culp: Test.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test.

Marty Culp: Test, 1, 2.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oops! We’ve got a real hot mike up here.

Marty Culp: Can we work on that? No? Alright.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: There seems to be a little kafuffle backstage, so we thought we’d just jump up here and cover with some ad libs. I’m Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

Marty Culp: And I’m Marty Culp. We head up the Music Department at Alta Dina Middle School.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We sure do. Yeah.

Marty Culp: How’s about we stir up some musical fun for you, folks. Who likes sing-a-longs? Raise your hands real high.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Sing-a-longs? Anyone?

Marty Culp: Nobody?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No?

Marty Culp: No one? Fair enough. Okay. We realize we have a room full of class clowns here.. but there’s really nothing funny about the middle finger.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No. And, uh.. that also includes you, Mr. Joe Pis-co-po.

Marty Culp: I don’t know about you people, but Bobbi and I remember the first “Saturday Night Live” very vividly.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We sure do. It was the first and only night we ever took grass, so.. so, needless to say, we really got a charge out of the skits.

Marty Culp: We really did.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Speed it along?

Marty Culp: Speed it along? Okay. And now, some young men we give an A for musicianship..

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.

Marty Culp: ..and probably a C for attitude.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.

Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Ladies and gentlemen.. Beastie Boys!

SNL Transcripts